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March 17, 2005 Oprah The ActorOprah Winfrey is an iconic personality, a pudgy colossus who's towering figure straddles both the worlds of entertainment and hen den chat show self-help boosterism. It is the Oprah telling us in minute detail how to live our lives properly that we see every day lecturing to us on television. But whither Oprah The Serious Actor? After triumphant star turns in "The Color Purple" and "The Beloved," Oprah has disappeared from the silver screen. Well known as a perfectionist, Ms. Winfrey - the wealthiest woman in the world - has in fact made several comeback films funded by her own Harpo Productions featuring top level actors and directors trying to help capture that Oprah Magic on film. Sadly, all have been shelved for various reasons and are destined to never be shown on multiplex screens this side of hell. Fortunately, eSLASHculture has had a reporter lodged deep inside the Harpo Productions offices for the last six months. Our own Movie Mole has in stolen moments raided the archives and studied these fascinating apocryphal movies. Herewith is a guide to some of these missing masterpieces courtesy of the eSLASHculture Movie Mole. Washington: The Father of Our Country What is it? Hollywood has had two standout shortcomings: the failure to produce a decent George Washington biopic and the scandalous inability to present Oprah Winfrey with a much deserved Oscar. This big budget epic was designed to rectify both of these failings and kill two birds with one stone. In a bold act of hubris, Oprah takes on the role of George Washington from age fourteen until his untimely death. Working closely with respected makeup artist Sir Lytton Armstrong - the show biz legend who has attended to Michael Jackson's needs for over twenty years - Oprah certainly looks the part in a variety of wigs and prostheses. Carrying herself with a regal bearing, Oprah fights, speechifies, and forges a new nation. Who else is in it? Making a bold bid for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, Whoopi Goldberg brings a zany, free wheeling edge to the role of Benjamin Franklin. In a harkening back to his career-making role on "Bosom Buddies," Tom Hanks burns a hole through the screen in the role of Martha Washington, playing the mother of our country with a mix of grit and tenderness. Why is it on the shelf? At an overwhelming twenty three hours in length, the film was viewed by potential distributors as too ponderous for mainstream movie audiences. In addition, it is reported that Ms. Winfrey nixed the film because she thought the period costumes with sateen breeches and stockings made her look too fat. Jason Versus Freddy Versus Oprah What is it? After laboring on a series of high-toned "serious" films, Oprah felt like cutting loose and making a good old fashioned scary movie popcorn flick. Horrormeister Wes Craven was recruited, and sixty-five million dollars later we have this muddled, gratuitous thriller. From what I can piece together from the rough cut I saw, Camp Crystal Lake has been reopened as a fat farm for overweight teen celebrities. Before you can say "massive head wound," Jason Voorhees has risen yet again from his grave and Freddy Krueger has materialized from the nightmares of the overfed aspiring show biz kids. The body count rises precipitously with dozens of senseless slashings, spearings, and impalings. Then one night three hundred pound Teen Idol Kyreesta dreams of Oprah Winfrey. In a trice, Oprah materializes in the horrifying new form of a she-demon. Equipped with huge leathery black wings, razor sharp talons, and bloody fangs, Oprah the She-Beast leaves a bloody pile of bodies in her wake on the way to a final brutal showdown with Jason and Freddy. Who else is in it? Oprah crony Dr. Phil McGraw is chillingly effective in a supporting role as Dr. Bill, the evil, hectoring, self-satisfied, blow hard fat farm Head Counselor who is constantly berating his self-esteem challenged campers. The gripping fight scene when Oprah rips huge, bloody chunks out of Dr. Phil's neck is definitely the highlight of the film. Why is it on the shelf? Insufferable, pudgy teen models, singers, and actors getting hunted down and killed by undead ghouls and America's most beloved talk show hostess? Sounds great, but the climactic battle scene between Jason, Freddy, and Oprah bogs down as apparently old Oprah habits die hard. Instead of the scripted hyper-violent confrontation in a glass factory, Oprah the She-Beast instead invites Jason and Freddy to sit down beside her on a couch in front of a studio audience and open up, sharing their feelings about their parents and their painful, traumatic childhoods. Sadly, seeing Jason and Freddy getting all teary eyed and hugging each other is not nearly as dramatically satisfying as, for example, seeing them chop Oprah into a billion bloody pieces. Besides, word on the street at Harpo Productions is that Oprah thought that the prosthetic leathery, black wings made her ass look fat. Run Silent, Run Fat What is it? More a re-imagining than a straight remake of the classic submarine drama "Run Silent, Run Dee," Oprah stars as Commander Richardson, the tragically overweight captain of a U.S. submarine caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse with Iraqi destroyers in the Persian Gulf during the first war with Iraq. Fighting a deadly duel at sea while trying to shed over eighty unwanted pounds, Oprah gives a white knuckle performance as she helps repair the sub's damaged nuclear reactor while resisting a huge slab of brownies that always seem to be just within her reach. Who else is in it? Reese Witherspoon co-stars as Lieutenant Jane Bledsoe, the devious, scheming second-in-command who wears a size two and simply cannot be trusted. Why is it on the shelf? The sight of the hulking, sweaty Oprah waddling through the confined spaces and cramped passageways of the sub adds to an unpleasant claustrophobic feeling that may be a little too realistic for Ms. Winfrey's fans. Additionally, Ms. Winfrey was reported to have said, "That little submarine makes my ass look fat. Love You Two What is it? Oprah tackles the venerable romantic comedy genre but with a twist! Oprah plays a dual role starring as uptight, buttoned down civil rights lawyer Ruth Faltermann and as her her identical look-alike sassy, brassy, free spirit Latika, a down-to-earth soul singer with an eating disorder. When Latika comes to Manhattan to make it as a singer, she crosses paths with her doppelganger Ruth. Both meet and fall in love with Muffy P.Body, the super hot rapper and producer played by hunky, ebony loverman Taye Diggs. P. Body hires cold, dispassionate Ruth to represent him in an anti-censorship case defending his new foul-mouthed protégé hoodlum rapper Dirrty Load. P.Body thinks he is seeing double when he falls for hot blooded, lusty Latika who breaks into his million dollar condo and serenades him in his bathtub. Romantic complications ensue as loves sets straight-laced Ruth and wild and crazy Latika on a collision course. Who else is in it? Justin Timberlake is keepin' it real as the thugster rap sensation Dirrty Load. As a special treat, Condoleeza Rice makes her big screen debut in a double role as Ruth's cold-hearted boss Kyra Sternwood and as Latika's trash talking street walking hooker roommate Candy Apples. Why is it on the shelf? It seems like a slam dunk: twice the Oprah, twice the fun. However, the final days of production were marred by "creative differences." The climactic scene, a classic sex farce of slamming doors and musical beds with both Tamika and Ruth dashing around P.Body's elaborate condo, was supposed to end with Oprah face to face with herself. The script detailed a comical pillow fight with Ruth falling for Dirrty Load and Tamika winning over P.Body. However, on the last day of shooting, Oprah fired director Barry Sonnenfeld and rewrote the script and finished the film herself. The movie instead comes to a disturbing climax when Oprah sees herself and immediately falls deeply in love with herself, fascinated with the bold, strong, earthy sensual woman she is. State of the art CGI digital trickery was employed at a cost of millions to produce a shockingly prolonged, sensual, and explicit Oprah on Oprah love scene. Sadly, the Motion Picture Ratings Board slapped a deadly NC-17 rating on Love You Two. Although the ratings board only requested that three of the steamiest minutes of the over twenty minute long love scene be trimmed, Oprah refused to change one second of her film claiming that the graphic, Sapphic love scene rife with the symbolism of a woman's intimate passage of self-discovery was too artistically powerful to be altered in any way. Faced with a film with an NC-17 rating that no distributor would touch, a controversial new lesbian subplot, and the always touchy subject of Oprah's sexual orientation, cooler heads at Harpo Productions prevailed, and the film was shelved though insiders say that Ms. Winfrey often enjoys watching the final scene over and over again in the privacy of her office. Next Week: The Movie Mole reveals details about other lost Oprah masterpieces including "Gladiator 2: The Amazonian Queen", Oprah as a Bond villain in "Eat Another Day," and the abortive musical comedy adaptation of the Flannery O'Connor's "The Violent Bear It Away." Other Oprah pages you might enjoy: |
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