|
|
|
|
January 9, 2004 LET'S BASH OPRAH III-"O: The Oprah Magazine" is embroiled in controversy again. Local 242 of the Newspaper and Magazine Handlers Union in Chicago has threatened to strike over what it considers hazardous work conditions. The uproar began this week with the release of Oprah's first ever "O: Swimsuit Edition." The February issue features a cover photo of Ms. Winfrey on a beach dressed only in a skimpy, hot pink thong, her back to the camera, her hands cupping her bare breasts, and a merry smile on her face. The caption/headline reads "Maui Wowee! Oprah Goes Tropical!" Local 242 Shop Foreman Myron Kaplan reports that the reaction to the portly talk show hostess' titillating photo has been striking: "It starts first as flu-like symptoms - fever, body aches, and dizziness - but after my men have been handling the "O: Swimsuit Edition" for a few hours they develop migraine headaches, chest pains, and severe nausea. I've already got six men out sick today, and the ones that are left, whenever they see that picture of Oprah they're doubled over and throwing up in garbage cans. A lot of these guys have wives and families. The Union has got to do something to protect them." Representatives of Oprah's company, Harpo Productions, have acknowledged the problem and have offered one solution. Says spokesperson Amy Flickler, "The toxic reactions seem to only affect heterosexual men so we are in the process of putting together a task force of housewives, lesbians, and gay men so we can get this issue back on the streets." -Oprah's Battery Club: As always, Oprah Winfrey is on the cutting edge of weight loss technology. Frustrated by persistent problems keeping her weight down despite trials of exotic diets, tae bo, yoga, and exhausting aerobic exercise plans, Team Winfrey has come up with a hot new way to lose all those pounds and keep the weight off. Battage or "battery" as we call it here in America is a new approach to weight loss using an age old French technique, and it is working beautifully for Oprah who is now down to a trim size four again. Desperate to look and feel her best at all costs, for three hours a day Ms. Winfrey is beaten relentlessly by her two battage therapists, Jean Louis Marignant and Pierre Claude Cloissant. Using heavily padded boxing gloves or "battants," their constant pummeling loosens up and mobilizes subcutaneous fat deposits and cellulite in the hips, thighs, and derriere. To witness the two trim, neatly groomed Frenchmen in tights jabbing, punching, and pounding a smiling, relaxed Ms. Winfrey is to glimpse the future of weight loss theory in America. Since she showed a clip of her new routine on her show, Oprah has been flooded with hundreds of requests from American women for more information about battage. Additionally, over three hundred thousand American men have phoned, written, or e-mailed volunteering to help beat Ms. Winfrey. -An Oprah Knock-Knock Joke: Knock Knock! Who's there? Feel Good! Feel Good who? I feel good about myself! Hey, that's not even a real knock-knock joke. Shut up! I feel good about myself, dammit! O.k., but I 'm just saying that's not a real joke. I don't care! I feel good about myself so piss off, and don't bother knocking on my door again, you selfish bastard, or I'll have my lawyers slap a restraining order on you. -An Oprah Urban Legend: Oprah Once Ravaged Tom Cruise. This girl I work with's cousin Jenny goes to college at Northwestern in Chicago, and she saw the wildest thing one day when she was watching them tape the "Oprah" show. It was two or three years ago when Oprah was going through a really weird fitness phase. She was on the Adkins diet, and she had this radical personal trainer who used to work with the Rock and all those championship wrestling guys. He had her on steroids, megadose vitamins, and a bunch of those wild performance enhancing supplements including the one that Mark Maguire was on when he hit all those home runs. Well, she was really freaky looking because she had lost a lot of weight and replaced all the fat with rock hard, solid muscle. She's always been a big girl, but during that time she was about five foot eleven inches tall, weighed 248 pounds of pure muscle, and had one of those short fade Cameo haircuts. Jenny said she looked just like Lawrence Taylor back when he was all-pro playing linebacker for the New York Giants. Anyway, Jenny said the show started pretty normally with Oprah and Dr. Phil doing a segment on heart smart cooking with wine. After that, they brought out Tom Cruise to talk about his crummy new movie. Maybe it was the steroids or the testosterone suppositories or the mixture with all that wine, but when Cruise came out Oprah went crazy. At first, she just sat there gazing at him with this demented smile on her face. Then she reached over and started pawing him. Next thing you know she grabbed him and popped him up on her lap like a little doll. Tom Cruise is actually a rather small man, and Oprah with all the bodybuilding had about a hundred pounds on him so she just picked him up like a toy. He tried to joke around about it, but then Oprah got this crazy look in her eyes. She started to stroke him and talk to him in this high-pitched baby voice saying things like "Tom, you're a pretty little man, aren't you? Yes, you are a pretty man! They say you're gay, but I don't think you are, are you, pretty man?" The show's producer could tell Oprah was way out of control so they cut to a commercial real fast. Four or five of Oprah's personal assistants came out and tried to distract her and get Tom Cruise away from her, but she got agitated and swatted them away like flies. Before they could come back from commercial, Oprah got up and threw the little movie star over her shoulder and stomped off the stage. It was like Mighty Joe Young or something with Cruise kicking his little feet and calling out for help as the assistants swarmed around their angry, hulking boss. Jenny heard from one of the stagehands that Oprah fought her way backstage and barricaded herself in her dressing room by pushing a refrigerator and a couple of dressers in front of the door. Jenny was curious so she decided to hang out in the backstage alley for awhile. Sure enough, three hours later a limo pulls up and a couple of security guards hustled Tom Cruise out and into the car. He was in tears, his pants were gone, and his shirt was in shreds. When they stopped the taping of the show and let the audience go, the producer came out and announced that the whole thing was a big gag that they had filmed for their April Fools Day show, but Jenny watched every show that spring and they never showed it. It's funny, but Tom Cruise hasn't been on her show since then. Other Oprah pages you might enjoy: |
|
|
