“Anna & Melanie”

(“I Know My Heavenly Father Loves Me”)

Whenever I hear her beautiful voice

Or see Anna’s blue, blue eyes

Whenever she turns and gazes at me

I feel I’m not just one of the guys

Whenever a smile on Melanie’s face

Shows heaven is just as real

I’m glad that I know all these beautiful girls

Heavenly Father created for me.

“Donnie & Pablo Under the Apricot Tree”

(“Popcorn Popping”)

You LOOK out the window and what do you see?

                Two romantic men singing to Anna and Melanie

Fate has brought you such a nice surprise

                Acrobatic Monkeys right before your eyes

(Where is da’ monkeys at, man?  They got sick and they couldn’t make it, so don’t worry about that part.  Let’s get on with the song.)

Pablo wants an armful of Mel-a-nie (pause for cat calls)

Donnie wants some Honey-lips but I guess we’ll see (again)

So will you have some heart, And give these boys a chance…?

And accept their invitation to the Friday-Night-Alpine-Art-Museum-Homecoming-Dance

“Two Pimpses”

(The Spin Doctors: “Two Princes”)

If you, got asked to the da-ance,

Just go ahead now,

But if you, wanted some roma-ance,

For-get about it.

Cuz your dates, went down to the border,

So For-Get about them,

And since they’re, fillin’ a drug order,

For-get about them.

<SCAT>

And since you, already bought your dresses,

Can’t take ‘em back now.

It looks like, you gals’ are in big messes, [cut out guitar]

WE’RE HERE TO SAVE YOU!

And since they, gave us both their ti-ckets

Let’s go ahead now

Did you know, there’s a tower called the SWKT?

(“But what does that have to do with this song?”  “I dunno, it rhymes.”)

Go with him, Or come with me!

I’m the cooler of the two Can’t you see?

Those guys have a shrub for a fam’ly tree!

So, we’re the boys you wanna take to Home-Come-ing!

We’re the boys you wanna take to Home-Come-ing!

And if you, might say “yes” or “may-be”

Just go ahead now.

And if you, wanna be my Bay-By

“Whoa, whoa- that’s not what  we’re going for here.” “Just one date—Baby steps, baby steps.”

We’ll see you, tomorrow at 6:30

In Whitney Ha-all

And oh my!  It’s past eleven-thirty

Let’s go to bed now!

(I mean…..us to our beds and…you to yours… you know what I mean)

“Anna and Margaret”

(The Red Hot Chili Peppers: “Under the Bridge”)

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a girlfriend

Sometimes I feel like my only thrill

Is a gi-irl named Anna

who works at Tommassitto’s

She cooks my pizza like no other can

Her friend’s name is Margaret, And she’s such a hottie

I still can’t believe that, She knows who I am

Her lips play the flute well, But kiss even better

Not that I’d know but, I sure wish I did.

Chorus

I don’t ever want to feel, like I did tonight

Take me to the place I love, and make me feel alright

I know I’ll always want to feel, like I do today

Take me to the girl I love,

She’ll take me all the way. (yeah, yeah)

It’s hard to believe, That there’s two girls so perfect

It’s hard to believe, That I’m not all alone

Cuz now I have her love, The girl really loves me

Lonely as I was, Now I’m feelin’ fine

Chorus

I don’t ever want to feel, like I did tonight

Take me down to SLC, then I’ll be feelin’ right

I know I’ll always want to feel, Like I do today

Take me to the girl I love, She’ll take my cares the way.

“Fry Girl”

(The Temptations: “My Girl”)

I’ve got fry-sauce on the edge of my plate

And though I’m hungry inside, I’m Feelin’ great

I guess you’ll say, What can make me feel this way?

Fry girl, … I’m talking’ ‘bout Fry Girl, Fry Girl!

I saw heaven in her gorgeous eyes

I finally found the girl who could cook my Fries.

I guess you’ll INQUIRE, Who’s that girl that lights my fire?

Fry girl… I’m talking’ ‘bout fry girl

When I ran out of fries, I was very sad!

They don’t give refills, but she gave me all she had!

I guess you’ll say what can make me

Feel this way?

Fry girl… I’m talking’ ‘bout Fry Girl, Fry Girl!

“Happy Birthday to You”

(Sister Hazel: “All For You”)

Finally we came along, but it took a long, long time

Cuz we was tryin’ to think of a present oh so fine

So we thought…..you’d be amused

If by chance……..We sang to yo-ou

And it’s something you can’t turn away-hey-eh

Chorus

It’s hard to find something good to give to you-oo

Wonder if it’d make any sense to you

Cuz songs can’t say and I can’t do

Enough to wish “Happy Birthday to you”

Well you thought you’d seen it all, but we came back one more time

To sing outside DJ Hall, to this lady oh so kind

We were lost…..so we perused

Stalker.net……..in search of you,

You have no need to be afraaai-aid

Chorus

Now you’re lookin’ out

With those gorgeous eyes

I know without a doubt,

Didn’t expect this birthday surprise

Chorus a capella & repeat

“Cassie Kuske’s Birthday Song”

(“Oh my Darlin,”  Los lobos: “La Bamba”)

“Hey there missy; we’re coal-miners by trade, and we set out to find the legendary gold of California, and to behold the deep blue Pacific Ocean.  But when we got to Californie, we realized that such things could not compare to the beautiful golden hair and the pure, deep blue eyes of Cassie Kuske”

Oh my darlin, oh my darling

Oh my darlin Cassie Dru

We went yonder to California

Only to find you’re at BYU

Cassie Kuske, California

Is a stink-hole compared to you

In beholdin’ your hair that’s golden

And your eyes of ocean blue

“Eh man, like, we’re from Mexico, and where we come from, we like to kick it out a little faster than that.  Let’s do this”

Hap-hap-happy Birthday Cassie

Hap-hap-happy Birthday Cassie

Yo quiero besar tu boca de gracia

Una roja quesadilla hecho por matador

No tiene tan calor

Como tu amor

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday

“You Will Survive”

(Gloria Gaynor, Cake:  “I Will Survive”

I heard you were dismayed, so dissatisfied

Completely sick and tired of all the same old guys

And then you spent so many nights just wishin’

     you could hear this song

     But we were gone

We were servin’ a mish-on

But now we’re back, we found your place

We looked it up on stalker-net, just entered in your name

   You should have dropped your user name

   You should have changed your net ID

If you’da known for just one second, we’d be back to bother thee

Chorus

Oh please don’t go, don’t slam the door

We’ve been doin’ that the last two years don’t want that anymore

    You’ve got all your love to give

    Aren’t you glad you left the Riv’

You will survive, you will survive  yeah-ah

(sweeeet guitar solo)

It took all the strength I had just not to fall apart

Mabu-Pi, that dirty rat, she went and broke my heart

   And then she sent me an instant message

   And she expect me to be free

But now I’m savin’ all my lovin’ for some one who’s lovin’ me

Chorus

“Chinese Happy Birthday”

(“Felíz Cumpleaños”)

Introduction:

<Chinese guitar riff>

“We come from the rand of China to singing you Happy Birthday!”

“My name is Ooh yi Ooh Ah ah Ching Chang walla walla bing bang.”

“And my name is Ricky ticky tembo no sa rembo cherry-berry roochi pip perry pembo.  Don’t worry!  I climbed back out of well!”

“Oh!  Good!  I am so worried about you!  I’m glad you’re not drowned.

“Tonight we are come on special request to serenade Tai-oh-na  Foo-rin.

And now for a important message from our sponsor:

My Dealest Tai-oh-na;

                I wanting you to having wary wary special birthday surprise.  So, I am thinking, what can surprising you?  Then, I lemembel my two best Chinese buddy!  [Point to each other in excitement!]  Okay, actuarry, I don’t know these guys, but they sang the song fol me, and I thought, “What the heck, it sounds pletty good!”  So, when they terr me they all having extla-speciar row discount plice for selenading, I think, “Why not?”

                With love billowing over like the lising sun over a field of a steamy rice, I have compoesed a lyrical tlibute to you and send these two charlies to singing to you.

Loving

                -Tlenty Pooh

(Song)

My friend William Shakespeare, he wrote a poem or two.

His similes are simply, so so similar to you.

Well… I am no renaissance poet, but I know this one thing is true:

No shade of hea-ven-ly azure can compare to your eyes of blue…

 “or… wait… I mean…brown… or green… or …grey…”

“Hey!  The sky is not brown!

“But in Provo, sky is brown, like… when there’s an inversion…?!”

I sure like you, Tiona, that’s what I’m saying to you.

And just like Cinderella, you’re the one that will fit my shoe.

And… just like a story book story, our fairy tale has come true.

Let’s cut to the chase already!  We’re singin’ Happy Birthday to you!

“Try-it”

(Incubus: “Drive”)

Sometimes            I feel the fear of

Food poisoning      stinging clear

And I    can’t help but ask myself

How much I hate his toast

    and how his eggs are queer

They’ve sickened me before

And I seem to have a vague

Mem’ry of how it feels

Cuz lately I’m beginning to find

that I blow chunks

Every time he cooks that meal

Chorus

Whatever my roommate cooks, I’ll eat it

With open mouth and open barf bag

Whatever my roommate cooks, I’ll eat it,

I’ll eat it

So if I         decide to waiver my

Chance to cook one of      the meals

Will I      choose garbage when I dine

and hold my nose and try it (oh-ah-oh-oh-oh-oo)

Would you choose   garbage when you dine

Hold your nose and try it

Chorus

“I Want Your Body”

(The Backstreet Boys: “I Want It That Way”)

Dave… I love you

And I want

Your bo-dy…. NOW!

Except- you called to night

And didn’t leave a me-ssage.

I was………so very Disappointed

I didn’t answer the phone

Cuz if I had,

I wouldn’t have been able to control my emotions.

Chorus

(Want your body!)     Let’s run away to-ge-ther!

(Dave I love you!)     All we need is each o-ther!

(Let’s go to-ni-ight!)  Vegas is only six hours away

Let’s go to-nigh-ight!

Bridge:

 I’ve been meaning to tell you

This for a long time now

Dave- I’m in love with you (Yeah-Ah!)

I am beautiful

In my homecoming dress

Margaret is a very cool  girl!

You should appre-eee-ciate

The coolness She is.

It’s been, it’s been a jo-oy

(GUITAR RIFF).

Writing you to ni-ight!

Chorus

 Let’s run away to-ge-ther!

 All we need is each o-ther!

 Vegas is only six hours away

Let’s go to-nigh-ight!

(Want your body!)  Let’s run away to-ge-ther!

(Dave I love you!)   All we need is each o-ther!

(Let’s go to-ni-ight!) Vegas is only six hours away

Let’s go to-nigh-ight!

Dave- I want your bo-dy!

“Not at BYU”

(“Not in Nottingham” Disney’s Robin Hood)

Every school

Has its boys and girls

Sometimes boys

Outnumber the girls

But not at BYU

“I Wish they all could be Payson Utah Girls”

(The Beach Boys: “I Wish They All Could Be California Girls”)

Well St. George girls are hip

I dig those knee-length shorts they wear.

And South-campus girls, with their modest Talk

They knock me out when I’m down there!

The Spanish Fark farmers’ daughters really

make me feel alright.

And the Orem girls, I hear the way they Kiss

would keep their boyfriends warm at night

(if they were into that sort of thing)

Chorus

I wish they all could be Payson Utah,

  I wish they all could be Payson Utah,

I wish they all could be Payson Utah girls.

Well Melanie’s an amazing dancer

and she gives great talks on Sunday

And that Karen girl, the way she plays piano

she’d kick Mozart’s trash any day

And men love Amy Menlove

Cuz she’s got a gorgeous smile

And her sparkling eyes of an enormous size

Oh you could see them from a mile

(away in the dark of night)

I’ve been all around this great big world

And I’ve seen all kind of girls

But I love to be a man down in the promised land

Back with the cutest girls in the world

Chorus

“Unrequited Cake Song”

I’ve got a cake in the oven, oh it smells like lovin’ you

Cuz you’re coming to my place to eat it in a day or two

But you just called and you’re allergic to something that I put in that cake

So I dust off the cookbook, and find you another one to make

I didn’t tell you at the time, I thought you might feel bad

Cuz I put in that cake everything I ever had

<guitar solo>

You didn’t know it before, but now you’re allergic to me

You looked so deep inside, saw all that you needed to see

Now I can’t fight these doubts, regrets within

Cuz now I know that I’ll never know what could have been

Chorus

Cuz baby, I don’t wanna eat your unrequited cake

I took a mouthful, it was so much more than I could take

I don’t want it rottin’ stinkin’, taking space up my shelf

So I guess I’m gonna need to give it to somebody else

Now my life flashed before me, like some poorly written film

Where musing men can’t escape their dreams and maybe never will

But late at night, and lying perfectly still

I can’t escape can’t leave behind oh it feels so  unfulfilled

Oh how I wish I could be somebody else

Cuz now I know you belong to somebody else

Chorus

Cuz baby, I don’t wanna eat your unrequited cake,

And heaven only knows if I’ll ever try again to bake

Cuz the memories, they only go bad with time

I’ve gotta find someone to help me eat it up before I lose my mind

“Happy Birthday to You II”

(The Rembrandts: “I’ll Be There for You”)

So no one told you boys were, gonna sing today

Your job’s a joke, I know, they give you minimum wage

It’s like you’re always facin’ your worst fears

Like some heartbreakers that can only sing this song once a year

Chorus

Happy Birthday to yo-ooooou… when RM’s line up at your door

Happy Birthday to yo-ooooou… can’t take their lovin’ any mo-ore

Happy Birthday to you and a Happy New Year toooooo

Well you’re in bed at twelve, but we sing anyway

They gave you breakfast but our song blows that all away

Your mother warned you there’d be boys like these

But she didn’t tell you that they’d make you drool all over your knees and

Chorus

Bridge

No-one would ever listen

To our songs that ain’t worth missin’

Seems Mel’s the only one who knows

Her way around my kitchen

Someone to share my song with

Who wouldn’t make fun of it

Someone to vent on girls with

Girls who aren’t half as hot as shhhheeeeeeeeeeeee is

It’s like you’re always facing your worst fears….

Chorus

“Redneck Jingle Bells”

 (“Jingle Bells”)

Dashing through the slush

In a one-door, busted car

Radiator’s blown

Surprised we got this far

Rollin’ down the road

On an axle and a prayer

Ain’t it fortunate we found you lady-folk, so fair

Ooooh, Jingle Bells, please don’t tell

The local law enforcement

We have come to sing to you for your yuletide enjoy….ment

Jingle Bells, shotgun shells

Was wizzin’ past our ears

Guess we shouldn’ta busted outta jail

And stolen all that beeeeeeeeeer.

“Jingle Bell Rock”

(“Jingle Bell Rock”)

Don’t you yell, don’t you yell

and try not to shout

Just cuz nice boys are checkin’ you out

I’m sure it’s a normal occurrence for you

But baby, what can ya do?

I can tell, I can tell

My chances are slim

But I’m diving in, and I’ll sink or swim

We both know there are other fish in the sea

But none so   <insert adjective here>  as me!

I thought the night time would be the right time

to steal your heart away

I’m in a spell I, can’t even tell time

But I know it’s time for me and you to run away

I can tell when ya fell

from heaven, it hurt

I’m really turned on by your knee-length skirt

and other such modest apparel you wear

In the frosty air

“Melodie”

(Dave Matthews Band: “Satellite”)

Me-lo-die

In my mi-ind

Is the fairest I can find

She’s a wonder!

Me-lo-die

Sung by buffoons

In the light of her room

Peeping toms right outside her window

Chorus

In the cold, we’re shakin’

And for you our hearts are achin’

After you we’ve been chasin’

Look down, look down!

At the ground!  Me-lo-die

Me-lo-die

“M” is for mmmmm

When she walks in the room

Pen nor tongue can say

Me-lo-die’s birthday is now

And I wonder how

Much she likes our soooong

Chorus

Rest high up in your room with no restriction

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!.....etc.

“We Know that Last Week You Missed Us”

(“We Wish You a Merry Christmas”)

We know that last week you missed us

We know that last week you missed us

We know that last week you missed us

And we missed you too

If you’d been here you woulda kissed us

(ex)‘cept you’re our FHE sistas

and that would be kinda twisted

So forget what we said

Leftovers we bring

From our Thanksgiving

They’re reheated fishsticks from the Morris Center

You… missed some delicious fishsticks

You missed some delicious fishsticks

You missed some delicious fishsticks

Say that ten times fast!

“Fugal Hall is Full o’ Hotties”

(“Deck the Halls”)

(In a southern tongue)

Fugal Hall’s full o’ hotties, I reckon

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

Eighteen-two (182) is no exception

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

Do you think they’ll like our chorus?

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

No, they’ll prob’ly just ignore us

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

In our Hall five minutes prior

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

Came cow-girls in plaid attire

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

They gave us song but stole our hearts

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

(spoken) The broomstick horse was my favorite part!

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

“F-leece Navidad”

(“Felíz Navidád”)

Felíz Navidád, Felíz Navidád

Felíz Navidád, Prospero año y felicidad

Felíz Navidád, Felíz Navidád

Felíz Navidád, Prospero año y felicidad

Chorus

I really wish you would tango with us

It’d make for a really merry Christmas

I really wish you would tango with us

Even though it would break our hearts

F-leece keeps us warm

Outside in the storm

Felíz Navidád, prospero amor y felicidad

F-leece comes from sheep

Except for this cuz it’s cheap

It’s made of polyester, but it’ll keep me warm all semester

Chorus

“Michelle’s Birthday Song”

(The Beatles: “Michelle”)

Michelle, you’re swell

Those who think you’re not can go to school, my Michelle

(you know, to learn something)

Michelle, you smell  (pause)

………. Like a flower that has no parallel, my Michelle

Our greetings, our loving we give you

And a “Happy Birthday”

But all I’ve got to say

Is that you’re the only one I know who’s worthy of this song

Michelle, she’s swell

All I know’s that girl, she rings my bell, my Michelle

Michelle, farewell

I know you’re not a queen, but I can’t tell, my Michelle

I will sing the only song I know that’s named after you, my Michelle

<guitar solo>

“Smiling Engagement Ring Song”

(“The Smile Song”)

When you’re sick of wearing his ring

   And you just want to play

Simply turn it upside-down

   And hide that ring away

“Maryanne Wants Me for a Boyfriend”

(“Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam”)

Dedicated to Maryanne (little “a”) Turner

Maryanne wants me for a boyfriend

  To pine for her each day

And in every way try to please her

  Although it’s hard, they say

Chorus

A boyfriend, a boyfriend

She must be desperate for a boyfriend

A boyfriend, a boyfriend

I’ll be a boyfriend for her (I guess)

“Second Date”

(Dave McClelland)

Dedicated to Becca Moore

I parked my car at the Exxon store

I was lost—never been to her house before

Then I saw not a moment too soon

I’d locked my keys inside with her number

   and some classic rock tunes

Well I was quite sure that I’d soon be dead

Cuz her mom is a cop and her daddy’s a Fed

And Prom night’s not the best night to leave your date

hangin’

Oh, hangin’ by a thread

Chorus

Go with me on a Second Date,

Let’s skip the first, oh I know you would hate it

Cuz each first date always seems to be my last

I called my mom COLLECT, she called her friend in the ward

Who was the girl’s friend’s mom’s cousin’s sister-in-law

So I knew she’d get the word without delay-eh-hey

And find me sittin’ thinking of excuses for my Judgement Day

Well that’s how everybody knows, they say

and why, even lunch-lady Joe won’t give me the time of day

And why when nuns pass by me on the street

Oh they just turn and hang their heads in shame

Chorus

Go with me on a Second Date,

Let’s skip the first, oh I know you would hate it

Cuz each first date always seems to be my last

So if you gimme a try,

I’ll give you time of your life

And baby, you just might wanna be my wife

“well….. you know, maybe that’s moving a little too fast…

Let’s just keep it at baby steps for now”

<Guitar solo>

Well the handcuff marks didn’t last too long

And the bruises on my head oh they’re almost gone

But my pride feels like a dolphin in a tuna net

who’s passing kidney stones the size of golf balls

Chorus

Go with me on a Second Date,

Let’s forget the first, oh I know you would hate it

Cuz my first dates always seems to be my last

   I don’t know why, it’s such a pain in the adam’s apple

Go with me,

I’ll surely bring a spare key

And put some extra in your dad’s safety deposit fee

So baby, won’t you go on that second date with me

“John Deere Letter”

with special thanks to Tim McGraw, the Dixie Chicks

It was a warm spring day, I was feelin’ good

and the mission was goin’ well

Just got me a letter from my girl back home

boy, ain’t she somethin’ swell

She’s purtier than a new pick-up truck

and she’s just as tough, they say

But little did I know that that little note

was gonna send some big news my way

Cuz she said she’d had enough of the city life,

and she was movin’ out to the sticks

With a farmer by trade and every bit self-made

and it seems they’s gonna get hitched

Chorus

Well she musta thought his tractor was sexy

Or he might make a real good man

Or she mighta needed wide open spaces

Where she an’ her horse could get a real good tan

Well whatever the reason, I’m happy for her,

cuz I’m sure she’s convinced

Cuz she wrote me a John Deere Letter

And she’s been shearin’ sheep ever shinsh