This is for all you White Wolf V:tM fans ...

The Antidiluvians
A play in one act
by Anonymous

Cast of Antidiluvians
(in order of appearance):
Tremere
Haqim
Lasombra
Brujah
Nosferatu
Tzimisce
Ventrue
Masked Avenger #1
Ennoia
Arikel
Augustus
Malkav
Masked Avenger #2
Masked Avenger #3
Spirits Of Those Who Have Died Tragically
Set
Ravnos

[Curtain Up]
TREMERE: "Awright, Haqim! I have HAD it with you! You're gonna die!"
HAQIM: "Says you. Pthbbbt!"
TREMERE: "Oh, yeah? Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames! I blow up Asia!"
HAQIM: "Celerity 10. I dodge. I'm now standing in the middle of
the ocean."
TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I boil the oceans."
HAQIM: "Obfuscate 10. What ocean?"
TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Movement of the Mind. I hit the remaining ocean with the moon."
LASOMBRA: "Tag in! Obtenebration 9. What moon?"
TREMERE: "Auspex 10. That moon."
LASOMBRA: "Tag out!"
HAQIM: "Oh crap. Umm ... Quietus 10."
TREMERE: "Here comes the big bad ball of rock, baby!"
[HAQIM is squished and dies ... Squishing noise does not follow]
BRUJAH: "Ummm ... Didn't Haqim just activate Quietus 10?"
NOSFERATU: "And it was a surprisingly quiet squishing.
Stupid discipline ... "
TREMERE: "Lasombra ... "
LASOMBRA: "Tag out, um, Tzimisce!"
TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. Try that moon trick now, Spellboy."
TREMERE: "Tag out, Ventrue!"
VENTRUE: "Dominate 10. Who's your daddy?"
TZIMISCE: "You're my daddy."
LASOMBRA: "Tag in! Potence 10. Feel the pain!"
VENTRUE: "Fortitude 10! What pain?"
LASOMBRA: "Obtenebration 10! I hope you like small, dark, places ...
A lot."
VENTRUE: "Oh. Fuck."
[VENTRUE vanishes]
LASOMBRA: "I have ALWAYS wanted to do that."
TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. Lasombra, you're now a small ball of cheese."
SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "TZIMISCE? WHY?!?"
TZIMISCE: "Ventrue still calls the shots. Dominate 10. He's my daddy."
SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "Damn, he's right."
TZIMISCE: "Animalism 10. I call a horde of cheese-eating mice."
SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "Obtenebration 10. I am a shadow of a small ball of cheese."
TZIMISCE: "Tag, Tremere!"
TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. Shadow of fondue,
you mean."
SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: �Eep!�
[The SMALL BALL OF CHEESE goes fwoosh]
NOSFERATU: "Back to business. Animalism 10. Now they're MY horde
of mice."
TZIMISCE: "Animalism 10. Mine."
NOSFERATU: "My mice!"
TZIMISCE: "Mine!"
NOSFERATU: "Mine!"
TZIMISCE: "Gimme!"
BRUJAH: "Celerity 10 AND Potence 10. I crush Tzimisce and Nosferatu while they're still arguing about the mice."
NOSFERATU: "Urk."
[NOSFERATU dies]
TZIMISCE: "Urk."
[TZIMISCE reforms]
TZIMISCE: "Love that Vicissitude 10 ... "
BRUJAH: "Oh, dearie."
TZIMISCE: "Now the mice are MINE! No one can stop me ... "
[MASKED AVENGER #1 appears from nowhere]
MASKED AVENGER #1: "We are the Masked Avengers! All of you shall die for consorting with our enemies! Er. Or, in some cases, actually being our enemies."
ENNOIA: "Who the heck are you?"
MASKED AVENGER #1: "Oh, sorry ... I'm early. Right."
[MASKED AVENGER #1 vanishes]
TZIMISCE: "Um ... Anyways ... Not even that masked guy, whoever he was, can stop me!"
ARIKEL: "Auspex 10. What can stop someone with Vicissitude 10? Oh, right, diablerie. Hmmm ... "
TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy something or other. I weaken Arikel a generation."
ARIKEL: "Heyyyy ... You just made that up!"
TREMERE: "Trust me, you'll like it."
BRUJAH: "Potence 10. I expend a barrage of fisticuffs upon Tzimisce."
TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. I can ignore them."
ENNOIA: "Animalism 10. My mice."
TZIMISCE: "Mine!"
TREMERE: "Quick, Arikel! Diablerize Tzimisce while he's distracted!"
AUGUSTUS: "Necromancy 10, Bone Path! The dead have risen ... and they're voting Republican! Muhahahahahaha!!!"
TREMERE: "Don't you guys ever stop worrying about temporal power?"
[AUGUSTUS pauses to think]
AUGUSTUS: "Umm. No ... is this a trick question?"
MALKAV: "Dementation 10! Everyone goes absolutely crazy!"

. . .

[there is a pause]

. . . . . .

[the pause lengthens]

. . . . . . . . .

TREMERE: "You're kidding, right?"
BRUJAH: "You feel any different, Ennoia?"
ENNOIA: "Nope. You?"
BRUJAH: "Nope. Tremere?"
TREMERE: "Nope."
AUGUSTUS: "Me neither."
BRUJAH: "Nobody asked you."
[MALKAV looks disappointed]
MALKAV: "Well, THAT was a non-starter."
TZIMISCE: "Well, I gurgle ... "
[ARIKEL drops the diablerized corpse of TZIMISCE]
ARIKEL: "I sure feel different!"
ENNOIA: "Well, that settles it. My mice."
ARIKEL: "Nope. I now have Animalism 10. Mine!"
MALKAV: "CATFIGHT! EHEHEHEHEHE!"
BRUJAH: "Mousefight, actually."
AUGUSTUS: "Ech ... How droll."
TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Hands of Destruction. I kill the freakin'
mice, already."
ARIKEL: "Waaahhh!"
AUGUSTUS: "Ehehehe ... Necromancy 10, Bone Path. Zombie mice!"
ENNOIA: "Argh! Bastard!"
[MASKED AVENGERS #2, and #3 appear, #1 following behind them, as he is tangled in his cape and is fighting with it]
MASKED AVENGER #2: "Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avengers!"
MASKED AVENGER #3: "Especially you, Tremere!"
MASKED AVENGER #2: "No, especially you, Augustus!"
MASKED AVENGER #3: "Tremere!"
MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!"
MASKED AVENGER #3: "Tremere!!!"
MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!!!"
MASKED AVENGER #1: "AUUUGGGHHH!!!!!"
[MASKED AVENGER #1 rips his cape to pieces, breathing heavily ... he tries to regain his composure for a moment, suddenly aware that everyone is staring in complete silence]
MASKED AVENGER #1: "Ummm ... right. As we were saying ... "
ENNOIA: "Who are you guys, anyway?"
MASKED AVENGER #3: "It's a secret. That's why we're wearing masks."
BRUJAH: "Speaking of which, why does your mask have three eyeholes?"
MASKED AVENGER #3: "Um. To be distinctive."
BRUJAH: "Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of wearing a mask?"
MASKED AVENGER #1: "You always were a smartass."
BRUJAH: "Potence 10. I punch the first Masked Avenger. HARD."
MASKED AVENGER #1: "Wha ... Ow!"
[MASKED AVENGER #1 flies backwards, knocked out]
MASKED AVENGER #2: "We other Masked Avengers are not so easily thwarted! We shall have our revenge! Especially on you, Augustus!"
MASKED AVENGER #3: "NO! Tremere!"
MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!"
AUGUSTUS: "Damn it! We get the fucking idea already!!! Can we please get rid of these guys?"
TREMERE: "Sure. You take care of the guy with the three eyeholes in his mask, and I'll take the guy who says he's my archenemy, OK?"
MASKED AVENGER #3: "I, with the three eyes, am your archenemy, Tremere."
TREMERE: "Whatever."
AUGUSTUS: "Potence 10. I crush the guy with the three eyes."
MASKED AVENGER #3 (with a hand on his forehead): "Um. What three eyes? I don�t have three eyes. What are you talking about? Anyway, Fortitude 10. I soak. Ha ha!"
TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I obliterate the other
masked guy."
MASKED AVENGER #2: "Avenger. Masked Avenger! Fortitude 10. I soak.
Ha ha!"
BRUJAH: "Like the annoying guests that just won't leave, aren't they?"
AUGUSTUS: "I can handle this. Necromancy 10, Ash Path. I summon the spirits of those who have died tragically."
SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY: "We are here."
AUGUSTUS: "O, Spirits of those who have died tragically, I implore, explain your tragedies to these two masked ... Masked Avengers."
[The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so ... Later:]
MASKED AVENGER #3: "Oh, the Angst! I cannot bear it!"
[MASKED AVENGER #3 commits suicide with flair]
MASKED AVENGER #2: "How fascinating. I wish to learn more."
AUGUSTUS: "O, Spirits of those who have died tragically, I thank you. Now return to the Shadowlands from whence you came."
[The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so]
MASKED AVENGER #2: "Hmm. I must follow them to learn more."
[MASKED AVENGER #2 commits suicide with more of a bookish interest]
ARIKEL: "Well, that took forever. But it's over. Now what?"
TREMERE: "Auspex 10 and Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I incinerate Set in the corner where he's been hiding all this time."
SET: "Eep!"
[SET goes fwoosh]
AUGUSTUS: "Letting everyone else do the fighting and taking out the winners? OOH! I am shocked. Just SHOCKED."
BRUJAH: "You mean, shocked that you didn't think of it first."
AUGUSTUS: "And I deeply deplore that."
[MASKED AVENGER #1 appears, obviously oblivious to the situation - of course]
MASKED AVENGER #1: �Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avengers ... �
[He glances about, confused]
MASKED AVENGER #1: �Er, Masked ... Avenger! One. One Masked Avenger.�
BRUJAH: "Hey, man ... You ever have the feeling of deja vu?"
MASKED AVENGER #1: "Constantly."
ENNOIA: "Enough of this. Protean 10. Welcome to the sun, boys!"
TREMERE: "Hah! Thaumaturgy 10, Invulnerable Weakness!"
EVERYONE ELSE (almost): �DAMN!�
[MASKED AVENGER #1 goes fwoosh]
[BRUJAH goes fwoosh]
[MALKAV goes fwoosh]
[ARIKEL goes fwoosh]
AUGUSTUS: "Hah! You've played perfectly into my master plan! No, wait."
[AUGUSTUS goes fwoosh]
TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I extinguish Ennoia."
ENNOIA: �Awwww ... �
[ENNOIA goes fwoosh]
TREMERE: "Woo hoo, I won!"
RAVNOS: "Um ... Tremere? You forgot me."
[TREMERE glances around wildly and then spots RAVNOS]
TREMERE: "You? Where the heck have you been?"
RAVNOS: "I�ve been here. I�ve just been keeping a low profile."
TREMERE: "Oh, there's a surprise. And you didn't burn up in the sun?"
RAVNOS: "Fortitude 10, baby. And I'll thank you not to kill off my mice."
TREMERE: "Well then ... ahem. PREPARE TO DIE!"
RAVNOS: "Not so fast. Chimeristry 10."
[TREMERE blinks]
TREMERE: "Chimeristry 10? You don�t mean ..?! "
RAVNOS: "Yup. 'Reality.' I'll turn us all into a roleplaying game."
TREMERE: "You wouldn't dare!!!"
RAVNOS: "Too late. I just did."
TREMERE: "You wha ..?! NOOOOOOOO!!!"
[RAVNOS, TREMERE, and the dustpiles of all the other ANTEDILUVIANS are replaced in a poof of light by a series of hardback and paperback game supplements which you can purchase at your local gaming store and/or selected booksellers for a ... �reasonable� price]
[Curtain Down]
[THE END]

Before anyone asks, just know that I have no clue who wrote this. I received it in an email, and thought it was so funny, I had to put it here. Please, if this is your property, email me, simply so I can shake your hand. *n.n*