It's FEBRUARY everyone! The months are slowly coming along. Next thing you know it's time to buy Christmas presents again. Hopefully my bank recovers by then ehhehe. Enjoy my friends and love ones. *muwahs*
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02-01-02 : Oh my goodness it`s already February! Where did the January go? I`m loving this song right now. Not just b/c it`s got jammin` beats but also b/c of the lyrics. Now why can`t it be this way all the time. Anyways this month is going to be filled with too much drama. I think I`m just about had it with drama in my life. To some this is the lovey dovey month, but to others, they rather not have this month in the calendar at all. I guess for me it goes for both. In some ways I want it to be February b/c of the love that surrounds us, but at the same time I don`t want it b/c I don`t want to miss the times when someone was there. I got to makemadcash this month though..I want to see mah baby in concert Sexy Craig. Will someone volunteer to take me to see him. I promise if u do, I will make it a night u will never forget *winks*..I believe I`m feeling much better now though..Drama is slowly drifting off..
02-06-02 :Woo hoo just found out that I got my raise finally. Well, it's only 65 cents but I guess it's aight. It would be better though if it were $1 or something. I need more hours badly. Well, today we had our staff meeting. I can't believe that I was in the mall since 1 o'clock and my work didn't start until 3. What do you think I did for 2 hours that I was there? If you guessed SHOPPING *ding ding* you're a !! I went to my favorite store OLD NAVY bought jeans agains and khaki long skirt. Oh it's going to be great for the summer. I still had time left over so I went and ate lunch. I still had an hour to go and I thought I could start work early but it ended that I couldn't so I went shopping some more. Went to ALDO and bought myself some nice shoes. I've had my eye on them since 2 weeks ago but never really bought it, but since I still want it, I figure might as well buy it now. Besides it's additional 25% off, so that totally does that for me. In total I spent $150 in just an hour and 15 minutes. So what do you think I did the last 45 mins, I pretty much chilled in my store without getting paid for it. Hey I figure I rather hang around my store than do more damage with my credit card right. Besides I got paid for 6 1/2 hours and I pretty much just worked an 1 1/2 hours. It's because of the staff meeting. Imagine we started at 6 and it didn't end until 8:45. That's bonus for me. Before that from 3:30 until 5 I had my one on one with my manager. So more bonus time for me. So I pretty much didn't work the whole day but I feel tired. Wonder why...hmmm
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02-11-02 :I've been meaning to go online and put a thought or two on here but instead I ended up updating my page. I actually sent out an e-mail to everyone to peep my page. Some took a peep and I guess others just didn't give it a second look. I do love all the compliments, so keep bringing them on. I even got an e-mail from my friend Gab saying that I've inspired him. I'm happy that my work would inspire someone. I only do this to let time go by a little faster. I guess you can say that I do my best work when I got a bad problem that I just need to get my brain thinking about other things. I can't believe that there are only 3 days for Valentines.
At times I find myself just stairing into space. Most of the times I don't even realize it. I guess with everything that has been going on gets me in that stage. I try to cheer myself up by going out every week-end but once I'm back at home, I find myself back where I started. Why is life like that. One minute you are as happy like nothing matters in the world and then next you just want to crawl under a rock and hide and wait until all this sadness and drama goes away. I thought the drama was drifting off but I was wrong. Drama just kept adding on..I would never have thought that I was going to be in this position last month. Guys are such ASSHOLES!! They like to play this mind game and it's getting to the point that it's FUCKING ANNOYING! Why is it that the very thing that you hate, they always end up doing all the time. How hard is it to make a FUCKING PHONE CALL all it takes is a fucking minute. I'm getting to the point where I think I'm making all the wrong choices. Why did I belive you when you said that you were going to try to change. Why did I believe that this time it's going to be different. Why did I accept your condition of not coming here all the time if you can't even give me a call. I tried to understand you when you said that you got lots of responsibilities that you can't come up here as often as you did but do I need to make an appointment too for you to call me. What is a relationship if you don't see each other, plus you don't talk to each other. There is no communication whatsoever. THAT'S NOT A RELATIONSHIP! Not even a friendship. After everything, all the hurt, why did I believe you. I'M SO STUPID. Stupid for putting up with all the SHIT, while you stand there and pretend that nothing is wrong. This might just be the time...The time to face the truth and get what I deserve. The time to throw in the white flag. The time to say FUCK IT and FUCK IT WITH YOU! It's about ME now.
02-15-02 :Whoa those were some harsh words I laid out there. I must have been real mad then. HELL YAH I was...But I think I'm somewhat better now. Well, not really but what can a girl do right. It's like this with me, first comes the hurt, then anger & then it goes full cirle and goes right back to the hurt. I guess the hurt never goes away and I just get angry to change the mood. Or something like that. All I know, I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and thinking hurts my brain. Literally hurts my brain...I came across very emotional issues that sometimes I could just be reading a book and then my mind will wonder off and next thing I know I'm crying and I get this pain in my chest. The feeling of pain that comes with caring about someone so much and to think of all the things that they have done to you. I think I made progress with actually writing as if I was talking to this guy on my last entry. Now all I need to do is actually say his name right out and maybe, just maybe he will know that I am referring to him. I mean how numb can this person be that he doesn't see that all the hurt and anger is coming from him. Well, actually only the hurt is coming from him but the anger is all mine.
As I said, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think I've realized some stuff. Last night as I sat infront of the tv and was reading a book that my sister borrowed for me, my mind wondered off to what yesterday was suppose to be. Yesterday was considered to be a "LOVE" Day. But to me it was just like any other day but a much emotional one. I actually believed that the person who I have not spoken to in almost 2 weeks now will actually call me after my numerous attempts to talk to him since two Wednesdays ago. Well, that didn't happen. Once again that was another day that I was the stupid one who called but no answer. Out of nowhere, the tears just came and there was no way for me to stop it. I tried to continue reading my book just to get my mind off what's making me cry but I could not. The thought of me crying at that very moment hurt me. The thought that NO GUY has every made me cry before added to the hurt I felt. To think that I traded what I had with the one before you to "THIS" was beyond me. I thought he hurt me before for spending time with his friends and not me, but not one day went by that we never spoke to each other. But I thought you were going to be different. But you weren't, YOU WERE WORSE. Much worse that I don't think anything would have ever prepared me for what you've put me through. I thought you were the one who would love me and care for me. Now I know that the other one didn't deserve what I did to him and now I know that he really did love me and was trying his best. I was wrong to choose and I guess this was the punishment I get for it. The punishment however is 100x more hurtful that what I caused. Now tell me why life isn't fair.
I could count the many times that you've hurt me, but the past year, I've actually lost count. You've asked me many times when have you hurt me and all I could come up with were the most recent ones b/c if I simply remembered each and every single time, I would would go INSANE. The times when I needed someone to be at my side, where were you? The times when I need a familiar voice to give me strenght, where were you? The times when I'm simply having a good day and wanted to share it with someone, where were you? The times when I simply needed a hug, where were you? I went through everything that happened these past 3 years and I can say that I've become a horrible person. A person that I no longer knw. I've become heartless to some and I've built a wall so no man can ever hurt me. However that wall doesn't stop you! I ask myself why do I keep coming back to you. Why do I bother trying? I could not come up with any answer but one, maybe you have stolen my heart and I will always be with you until you give it back to me. Right now, if it means living without my heart, I will do it just to stop the pain I feel inside. I think it's time to be numb and see what happens. I can't believe that I actually believed you with what you said. Another wrong choose I made. Now 143 has a new meaning to me... go figure.. :(
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02-22-02 :I can't believe that another week week has gone by. The days seems to be going really fast lately. In a way that is good but in some ways it's depresses me more. To think that so many days has gone by and still NOTHING. Maybe that's it. I mean if you trully love someone, there will not be one day that passes by that you will not want to talk to them. You will try everything in your power to make things right and not hurt them. But if you simply procastinate about it, then it's simple, you have lost all feelings for this individual. Isn't it true that if two people who really love one another but don't seem to see eye to eye on things, neither one of them will give up on eachother and they will fight to the end for their love to work. You see if one gives up, then there is no point for the other to keep going, it takes two to make a relationship work, but if only one is carrying the relationship, expect for it to go down the drain. I no longer feel angered, mainly just hurt. I know time will heal all pains. I've got to believe this in order for me not to go insane. I've also been telling my self that everything happens for a reason. It's hard to believe it right now but I've got to. I know that in time I will see what that reason is but emotions are high right now that my mind is clouded. But I am beginning to see the light beyond and that's what I've got to hold on to. I can't be mad at everyone, that's just not the person I am. I've got to find happiness again.
When I was feeling my worst ever last Saturday, there were so many stuff that happened that got me feeling somewhat better. When I got to work at 2 that day, within an hour or so there was this hot looking guy who came in my store. At first I didn't notice him b/c I said "hi" to his friend. But on the check out line, I was the one who served him. Dang that was when I notice that he was "HOT like FIRE!!" ehhehe.. I was hoping that my co-worker was going to get him inline b/c I just wanted to look at him. Well, I ended up serving him and when I offered him add-ons with his merchandize, he refused but the good sales person that I am, I insisted, but really I just wanted to keep him longer in the store ehehhehe...all was good though. My co-worker said that he was trying to be cute and stuff, well, he didn't need to try hard eheheh. When they left the store however, they stayed for a bit infront of my store and was looking in. Co-worker said that they were checking ehehhe, it's all good, that made me smile. Right after that, there was this guy in the women's section that I just said "hi" to again b/c he's a customer. At first he was asking me stuff about what we were selling, next thing I know he was asking personal stuff such as, whether I was filipino or not, what do I do for fun, where do I go. All kinds of stuff. Next thing I know he was asking me whether I would give him a holla. I told him I don't do such things. The boi just kept insisting b/c he was asking me for dinner that night, lunch the next day. I just kept telling him I got myself plans already and if he wanted stop by anytime b/c I'm always at the store. Thank God he never stopped by again. Well, he's only in the mall Fri-Sun working in his second job, but it's aight. It might be shallow, but dang it brought me smiles to my face. Well, it did lift my spirits up for a bit, until my problems started to resurface. I could say that I'm aight now though. Thanks to my friends who did everything they could to cheer me up. I never had so many visitors at work before, they just kept popping up this whole week. I think that's why I felt better too...Everything is looking up!
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