The Sardonic

HIS HOLINESS THE GOVERNOR OF THE STATE OF TEXAS
THE HONORABLE GEORGE DUBYOU BUSH, JR.

YOUR ESTEEMED EXCELLENCY:

Howdy! As a long time supporter of your dream to become president, I am naturally always on the lookout for an issue that might catapult you to overnight political fame and thus to the presidency.

On important issues of the day, the American people want to hear solutions coming out of the mouths of their elected representatives rather than platitudes and hollow words. And that's where I come in. In certain circles, I am noted for creative problem solving, especially where tough answers are in order. Well, here's my plan.

The entire nation is presently focused on the tragedy in Colorado, and Americans everywhere are asking each other, "How can we prevent another school shooting from taking place?" Folks are saying we have to eliminate violence from television, violent video games, bomb making recipes from the internet, guns in our children's baggy pants, and so on. But no one has yet come up with a fool-proof plan that will, beyond doubt, assure the American people that no kid in America will ever shoot up another school. The solution is so simple that I'm amazed that none of the pundits have thought of my solution which I will reveal to you at this time.

It will require nothing more than simple fence building, a few pairs of Pampers, several hundred pairs of handcuffs, and two elite SWAT teams.

Here is what the educators do: first of all, you fence the perimeter of the school property with two fences 25 feet apart and 25 feet high. Each fence will be draped in razor wire with concertina wire at the top. (Gun towers, of course, will be optional.)

Between the fences will be trip wires and motion sensitive detectors that will send 50,000 volts of electricity surging through the body of any student silly enough to find him or herself between the fences.

At the entrance to the school will be a staging area 100 yards long and 50 yards wide, enclosed by electrically charged fences 25 feet high that will fry any kid who touches them like a roachie bug on a hot griddle.

SWAT TEAM "A" will greet the children as they arrive at the school in the morning. The brave men and women of the SWAT team will be protected by full body armor as will as a hovering AH-64 Apache attack helicopter, armed with laser-guided Hellfire missles, and 76 rockets in case a kid gets unruly (your dad can arrange to have a few of these fighting machines returned from the Balkans through his C.I.A. connections. Eh?}

Once the children are escorted into the fenced staging area they will be made to strip naked, boys and girls alike. All back packs will be turned over to the bomb squad, lunch pails will be taken to the country and detonated, and baggy pants will be carefully folded and stored by a professional clothing monitor, to be re-issued in the event the child should survive the day's learning experience.

This will end the duties of SWAT TEAM "A" and the children will be allowed to walk the 100 yards to the front door of the school where they will be turned over to SWAT TEAM "B", who will issue each child a pair of Pampers for modesty's sake, and then the little ones will be handcuffed and led to their classrooms where they will be put in leg irons which will be connected securely to their steel chairs. The steel-mesh net will not drop down from the ceiling to encase them until they are comfortably seated in their chairs and chained to the floor. At this time they will be ready for the learning process to begin.

The teachers themselves will only be armed with one fully-automatic assault weapon, and a sidearm not to exceed .45 caliber. Hand grenades will not be permitted. The expected complaints from the NRA can be answered by stating that permitting grenades would amount to overkill, and might send the wrong message to elementary school teachers, i.e., "If they can have hand grenades why can't we?!?"

I think you will agree that under these directions school shootings will be drastically reduced, and the safety of many children will be assured. You will be an overnight hero.

No, no, Your Excellency, don't thank me. You may take full credit for my plan. I ask absolutely nothing in return except freedom for me, and three of my pals. I know that given enough time you would have thought of this yourself.

Enclosed, please find the list with the names of my friends who will be freed along with me. I hope to visit you at the White House very soon.

Your in Christ,

December 21, 1998

Dear Fred,

Thank you very much for Issue Number 93. It is filled with all manner of great thought provoking stuff, but what really got my thoughts provoked was your rap about the reason for Clinton's impeachment. I couldn't agree with you more that there are uncountable reasons why he should be impeached, but first let me confess I'm not at all sure what I am politically or non-politically. I may not be an anarchist, but I hate the state, the cops & the drug snitches and all manner of other snitches, crime stoppers, politicans and greedy corporate thugs, prisons, jails, guards & all authority. Let's see, did I leave anyone out? Oh yeah, I have never voted and I never will!

Truth be told, I always hope that the very worst human available will be america's president; someone the right-thinking, right wing truly deserves, and just look at the wonderful selection: how does President Bush, Jr. grab ya', or Gringrich, Quail or Gore??? President Perot is almost too much to hope for. I always wished that effete intelluctual snob feller, Spiro somebody-or-other would be their leader -- and he would have, too, if he just hadn't gone to prison when his 15 minutes were looming on the horizon. Why couldn't he have been struck down after being president? Where is fair?

Miss Manners sez I'm alienated from the political process. I dunno. As you may have guessed, I'm not an american but rather a member of the fodder class that right wing america likes to kill and steal from and throw mud balls at, i.e. a poor folk, an Indian, an elder, a corrections consumer, an un-christian, and a supporter of Hempfest.

When I was young, my role model was the president of the united states, and while, it is true that I have long since abandoned such a ludicrous notion, I have nevertheless studied Clinton's behavior and find one of his sturdiest principles is one of my own: one must get blow-jobs at every conceivable opportunity. Clinton's example was not an awakening for me since I have always believed this to be true, and actually it was Pop who inculcated this knowledge into my very being. At puberty, my father sat me down and lecturred me thus:

    "This life is short, my son, and there are not nearly enough ejaculations to go around, so get all the pussy humanly possible, but always remember: a gentleman does not tell on the woman who bestowed upon him this sacred blessing."

Because of these teachings, I see President Clinton's action with that woman, Miss Lewinsky, as good-red-blooded-up-with-america normality, and his lying about it to the thought police as a righteous act (come to think of it though, he IS the thought police hmmmmm...this may require more thought.)

Anyway, I realize that in this anti-feel-good society created by christian lunatics there will be little sympathy for my Daddy's and Mr. Clinton's philosophy regarding blow-jobs, but even so, when the Republicrats chose to impeach him I thought it unfortunate that a man who so wanted to rule the world should fall by the wayside, not from an assassin's bullet but simply because he wanted to feel good. Even taking into account that all presidents, kings, dictators and popes have the morality of snails, the myopic motive for impeachment so riled my sense of incongruity that my rebellious instincts surged forth, and so I decided to write an irate letter to Ann Landers in which I would condemn impeaching a man simply for doing the right thing by his penile member.

But, alas, as I was gathering my thoughts to write an intellectual tome to Ms. Landers, america's role model decided to become more of a mass murderer than he already was by ordering the slaughter of men, women and children whose only crime was to have been born in Iraq where their president -- whose maggothood was never in doubt -- refused to turn his country and its oil over to the american police. Antiseptic air strikes on CNN again, babies bombed sedately by computer, smart bombs that go down the smokestack or in the window and get into bed with grandma. The only dumb bomb that they told us about must have slept through class because it missed its target by slightly less than a few hundred miles and bombed a non-target in Iran. Iran protested, and the world's policemen said, "Ho Hum."

So they played their funny little game, and entertained the masses with their charade. As I sit here writing this I know that the senate will never muster a two-thirds majority, and I know further that these copitalists (thank you for the word) keep all these guys in a sack somewhere and you can put them all in the sack and shake it up and the same one comes out.

So all this can't possibly be my problem as I am a consumer of american corrections and have been so consuming for the past 22 years without a break, I have three hots and a cot and a place to squat, don't have to go anywhere, don't have to do anything, don't have to see anybody, don't have to be anybody, and as Thomas Merton sez: "What we have to be is what we are."

One last thing, Fred, I was in the Marion Control Unit with Komboa in 1976, and later on the yard with him in Leavenworth, and not being political I couldn't say how his anarchism measured up, but I know he was a good convict. And Ronald Del Raine, who appraised Komboa was on the yard with me, and is one of the best people I have ever known. Your words have made my life a whole lot better, and I thank you for sending THE MATCH to me gratis. Keep on doing it!

In the Spirit of Crazy Horse,

Standing Deer