The Shows
23/6/2000
26/5/2000
12/5/2000
5/5/2000
24/4/2000
17/3/2000
10/3/2000
3/3/2000
18/2/2000
4/2/2000
28/1/2000
back to Seddonism
Date
26th May 2000
Title
Girrl-tastic
Who?
Mark, Alex, Ashley, Tom (late)
What happened?
Start the show with:
M: Deep in revision period here. I shouldn�t even have the time to be thinking about doing a radio show� so plenty of stuff on the show today!
FHM releases �The Worlds Top 100 Sexiest Women� for 2000.
We discover that Alex has a hidden talent, guessing the position that people have in the poll.
No.2, she easily identifies as being Britteny Spears.
With only the simple prompt of �not obvious, I don�t rate her at all�, she identifies Jennifer Lopez (in at no.3).
Buffy is identified as having the no.1 with only the clue: �she�s an American TV star�.
(Al later challenges Tom on a �Price is Right� style challenge on the chart positions for FHM�s �The Worlds Top 100 Sexiest Women�, and beats him hands down.)
I play Moby/Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad. I feel like I�m in the trailer for some BBC drama.
M: �it�s a bit �Hearts and Bones� to me.
Alex laughs baudily.
M: Hearts and Bones is a BBC drama! It�s not rhyming slang!
A: I didn�t realise!
M: It�s not like: �I�m in a real mood for some heart and bones now, darlin�!� Nya ha ha! You loon!
On Andrea Corr:
Tom: The main reason I believe in god is because of Andrea Corr�s eyebrow. It�s beautiful!
Mark: Even out of context of the rest of her face, the eyebrow alone � does that do it for you?
Tom: Yeah, stick it on a shelf. Beautiful. Wokka!
<Note: this historical moment marks the first ever appearance of �Wokka� on Seddonism>
JJ72 Girl Obsession.
We get to talking about Hilary Woods, the bass player from JJ72, and notice that she has big hands:
Mark: Well, you know what they say about a girl with big hands. They play the bass well
Alex: She�d make you feel small.
Cue shock and astonishment from Tom.
Ash reads news in his own way.
On Cornwall�s rat problem:
Ash: Exeter University students are advised not to worry. Since we�re in Devon.
The Friday Challenge
Ash is required to name the �top 10 birds wot you fancy�, including 2 non famous, and a bass player.
A: Further definition is required.
M: Of what?
A: Bass players.
M: Someone that plays the bass.
A: The double bass maybe?
M: Do you know any double bass players?
A: No.
The FAM (For Ash Magazine) Top 10
Possibly the most painfully overlong item that we ever did. But still enjoyable in a cruel way.
10) Suzi the bassist
A: �I don�t know any bassists
M: Suzi Soux perhaps? She might play the bass.
A: Ok.
9) Cloe from his first ever school.
A: I harboured feelings for her, rather like Southampton does the QE2.
8) Non famous�um�.er
Tom: Do you know, I find this a fascinating insight into the psyche of a man.
Mark: Come on! A non-made up name!
Ash: Right.
Mark: Miss Right?
Ash: Yeah.
Tom: Steph Wright!?
Cue long winding up and lengthy retraction from Ash.
Al: I think he wants to marry her.
Ash: This, of course, could cause immense problems.
Mark: Because obviously you wanted to tell her in your own time.
Ash: No- Because I don�t have anything to tell. Number 7 then, now that�s�um�er�<pause>
Mark: Long pause. Still thinking about Steph?
7) Sharon, the violinist from the Corrs.
6) Liz Hurley
5) Winona Ryder
4) Eva Hertzagova
3) Melanie Griffiths
2) Heather Graham
1) Julia Roberts (minus underarm hair)
Apology from Tom:
I, Tom Davies, would like to apologise to all concerned parties for the previous link. I would like to apologise to Ashley Amos, to Steph Wright, to Ela and Katie, who they�re living with next year. And who may suffer as a result of the unbearable tension in the house. I wish to apologise to Steve Wright, who isn�t related to Steph Wright, but who may get confused. I am mortally sorry. Please do not sue me. Thank you.
Ashley�s Random Walk
To link FHM top 100 birds (start) to poisonous fungae (thru) to hope (end).
Tom: I like the way he managed to link living with Steph to eating poisonous fungae, where they slow down the enzymes regulating the chemical reactions in your body and causing death.
This prompts:
Apology 2 from Tom:
I would like to apologise to all concerned persons for the previous link. I�d like to apologise to Ashley Amos, to Steph Wright, to King Koopa out of Super Mario Brothers, and all other associated fungi. I did in no way suggest that living with Ashley would be like eating poisonous fungi. That would be liableous. That would be something that I would never say. I am sorry from the pit of my bowels to the roof of my head.
Stress-Busting
Alex Gener pops in and asks us if we can help with his problems regarding
1) The NUS
2) Sainsbury�s moving their store around (particularly the baked beans)
an extract of the tape:
Mark: �Visualise the word �nuisance�. It is a bother, but break it down into parts that you can deal with. Take away the N, the U, and the S. Nuisance without �NUS� is �iance�- and what does that mean? Nothing! Exactly.
Decide that if Billy Stephens (Mark Hittchens) doesn�t turn up we should run into his show. Some poor comment by Tom makes Mark ask:
M: Was that a joke?
T: Yes.
M: It was?!
T: Yes. I�m cleverer than I look, you know.
M: I wasn�t sure if it was confusion or a joke.
T: That�s the way that humour works, Mark.
M: Not always.
T: Sometimes. Welcome to Tom�s humour school.
M: Yes. You thwarted my expectations, and from thence the humour arose.
T: Wokka! Who is Billy Stephens anyway?
Teaser:
M: Find out if we�re still on the air in approximately� a few minutes.
T: That�s very approximate.
Catchphrase:
M: Tom- have you been able to fit in a new catchphrase yet?
T: I said �wokka� about 1000 times!
M: Wokka?!
T: Wokka is a comedy goldmine. Listen back to the tape.
M: I�ll listen, but I�m not convinced.
T: Fozzy Bear had a whole career based on �wokka�.
Super Mark�s Tit Sweep
Final Scores Al:5, Tom:7.
Tequila Body Shots
We phone up Rob Reames to find out about his unique tequila drinking system:
Rob: The Tequila Body Shot. Find an attractive woman with a low cut top & large cleavage. Go up to her with the tequila, salt and lemon, and be bold enough to ask to bodyshot her. Hopefully she�ll agree out of a sense of inquisitiveness. You place the lemon in her mouth. You lick her chest area & sprinkle the salt. You lick the salt off her wrist, down the tequila and bite the lemon out of her mouth. That�s the tequila bodyslammer.
T: Rob, can I ask, how many times have you done this?
R: Many times- I�m a seasoned professional.
M: And have you ever been arrested?
R: No. They love it. THEY LOVE IT!!
M: What�s the best reaction that you�ve had?
R: �Oh, I�ve never had that before!� More common is; �oh my god! He�s got salt down my bra!�
M: And the worst reaction? Not that you�d probably remember.
R: Probably; �I�m never going to talk to you again�.
M: And here�s a topic that we�ve covered before on the show; do you ever get girls coming on to you that you just have no interest in?
R: Yeah.
M: What�s your tactic to get them to back off?
R: You buy them a drink and make them down it. They then buy you a drink, and you say �let�s make it interesting and buy a double�, so you�vre one up. Then you say, �hold on a minute, I can�t handle this�, and go to the loo. Hopefully they�ll then forget about it, so you come up trumps.
The Friday challenge
Replicate the sensation of pulling teeth (see above)
Best quote?
T: Just because we�ve got Billy Stephens airtime, doesn�t mean we can waste it.
M: Why not? They do!
Top Tune
Can't remember