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CONFIDENCE Confidence is the feeling that you are sure you can
complete a difficult or even dangerous task. You ask yourself, "Can I do
it?" and then answer, "I sure can." Feeling confident means you are sure of your skills and ability to succeed in a task. It is an internal determination or judgment of how sure you are of your skills. Lack of confidence means you aren't sure that you can complete an activity successfully. Your confidence in being able to do something is based on your track record of succeeding in various similar tasks. The feeling of self-confidence is learned and can be passed from one task to another. Questions about confidence that you may have are:
Why people aren't confident
A person gets confidence by successfully doing something or completing a task and acknowledging that achievement. The internal acknowledgment is recorded in the mind as, "I can do this again." Don't acknowledge success
One reason people aren't confident after successfully completing a task or achieving difficult goal is because they often don't acknowledge their achievement and may even demean what they have done. They put their achievement down by saying something like, "Oh, I was just lucky" or "It wasn't all that good." Too large a task
Another reason some people aren't confident is because they look at a task or a goal as a large entity. Success or failure is determined by the outcome, which may come after days or months of toiling. Too difficult a task
Some people purposely take on tasks that are way over their head, such that they are assured of failure. They do this to re-enforce their perceived lack of self-confidence. There is some strange psychology involved in this situation. How to gain confidence
The way to gain confidence is to: 1.
Break tasks into smaller units, 2.
Acknowledge your success for each step, and 3.
Learn from your mistakes to re-enforce your confidence. 1. Break task into smaller steps
Before you set out to perform a task or try to achieve a goal, you must realize that the activity is really a series of smaller steps. This is a basic concept in any type of project planning. Thus, instead of waiting until the end to determine if you are successful, you have a series of successes, leading up to the finish. 2. Acknowledge success for each step
For each one of these steps or mini-tasks, you must acknowledge your success. Congratulate yourself each time you succeed. If you don't do well, correct your error. Take care about admonishing yourself, except in extreme cases. 3. Re-enforce overall confidence
This self-talk will re-enforce your acknowledgment of your abilities and increase your confidence as you go along on achieving the greater goal. Examples of gaining confidence
The better illustrate how to apply the 3 steps in gaining confidence, consider the examples of playing a game of tennis, managing a program at work, and experiments with a mouse. Playing tennis
For example, your goal may be to win a tennis match. Each time you hit the ball, you are performing a mini-task or small step necessary to complete your final goal of winning the game. Each time you hit the ball solidly, say to yourself, "Good shot." Each time you miss, note what to correct. Perhaps say, "Follow through next time." Throughout the game, your confidence will build, such that even if you lose the match to a better player, you will feel sure of your overall ability to play well. Managing a program
In another example, a project manager can celebrate small milestones in a major program with his workers in order to build their confidence to effectively achieve this greater goal. The mouse that couldn't lose
In an experiment on animal behavior at the University of Wisconsin about 20 years ago, the scientist would put a mouse with its front feet tied together into the cage of another mouse. The mouse whose area was being trespassed would then easily beat up the poor mouse with the feet tied together. After a number of victories, the scientist started to put mice in the cage without their feet tied. But our mouse was so confident that he would take on and defeat mice even larger than himself. Normally he would have run away from these larger mice, but he felt he just couldn't lose. And he didn't. In conclusion
You can build your confidence by acknowledging your successes for each step along the way to trying to achieve a goal. The self-congratulations will build and re-enforce your confidence along the way to feeling like a champion. People usually prefer to do things or to be in a situation at a level where they are comfortable. If they go above or below this level or zone, they become uncomfortable. Examples of this are going to a high-society party that is above your level or having to do demeaning work that is below your comfort zone. It is possible to improve yourself by slowly pushing up the level of your comfort zone. Questions you may have about this are:
Comfort zones
Your comfort zone is the area and level at which you picture yourself. It may not even be reality, but it is where you feel comfortable. For example, you picture yourself has having a certain level of intelligence, social standing and physical appearance. There are also other levels of judgment, such as cleanliness or honesty. Cleanliness
Cleanliness is an area where your beliefs define a zone of comfort. If your house is what you consider dirty, you feel uncomfortable and clean it. But there is a limit to how thorough you clean the house. Some may do a quick one-two, while others will almost sanitize every surface. It depends on the person's comfort zone with respect to cleanliness. Work status
You have a picture or image of what your status and importance is at your job. If you are given a task at work that you feel is below you status or considered demeaning, you will object. You won't feel good having to do such a task. On the other hand, if you are suddenly thrust in a high position of authority, you may not feel good giving directions to those you consider actually higher than you. Spouse or partner
You tend to pick a partner according to your own self-image. If you feel you are good looking, you may feel comfortable with someone who you feel is in the same classification. Likewise, if someone is better-looking or worse looking with your self-image, you feel uncomfortable picking that person as a partner. Image or picture
Your comfort zone has much to do with your self image and the picture of how things should be. You have a picture of yourself and your characteristics. You also have a picture of your surroundings and how you feel it should look. That is your comfort zone. Feeling uncomfortable
When you are in a situation that doesn't fit your image of how things should be, you can get uncomfortable. In such a situation, you may be motivated to do things that will get you back to your comfort zone. This can be positive or negative actions. When below your zone
When you get in a situation where you don't feel you belong because you know you are better than that, you can get uncomfortable and be motivated to do things to rectify the situation. Car dent
Your new car gets a dent in the fender. The picture in your mind of the car is one that is new and perfect, so you feel uncomfortable with the dent. You are motivated to get the fender fixed, as soon as possible. Note that if you don't get it fixed right away, you will soon become comfortable with that dent, such that you might not even notice it anymore. This is a situation where your comfort zone has been lowered to fit the situation. Too slow to make the team
When I was in the 7th grade, the teacher timed all the boys in a foot race. I was the third slowest runner, only ahead of two very overweight boys. I said to myself, I'm better than that. I was placed in a zone that I felt was below what I envisioned myself. So, I was motivated to improve. I went out for track in high school, but didn't make the varsity team because I was too slow. But my vision was still as a good runner. Finally, in college I went out for track again. I made the team, won several metals and received a letter sweater. I was in my comfort zone. When above your zone
When you get in a situation where you don't feel you belong because you aren't good enough, you can get uncomfortable and may do things to get more comfortable. Fellow loses everything
There are situations where people are placed in situations that is higher than they feel they deserve or should be. They say, "I really don't belong here." A tragic example is a fellow I met while speaking at the Los Angeles County Prison Farm. This inmate told me how he had a good job, a wife and two children and a new house. Everything seemed to be great, but for some reason he didn't feel like he deserved all this good fortune. He didn't picture himself at this level. So then he started drinking, getting in fights, skipping work and even stealing. He lost his job, he lost his home, and he lost his wife. Now he was in jail. The funny thing, he told me, is that this was the first time he had good things and purposely screwed up to lose them. Although he didn't being in jail, he was comfortable there. Playing tennis
A woman I know was an average tennis player. Once she got into a doubles match against a couple who acted like they were much better tennis players--although their skill level wasn't that much higher. This couple were also somewhat wealthy. Instead of trying harder to rise to their level of game, the woman started making worse shots and started to act silly--like she had never played the game before. This was an effort to save face, but it was also an indication that she couldn't picture herself at the same level. She was in a situation that was above her comfort zone, so she was going to screw it up and get back down to earth. Improving your zone
When you are below your comfort zone, you usually are motivated to improve your situation. The biggest problem is that some people have too low of a picture of themselves, such that they will accept a lower comfort zone. Improve the picture
If you want to improve your position at work, your social status, your skills or your environment, you must improve your image or picture of what is acceptable to you. But this must be done a little at a time, in order not to get unrealistic. First of all, look at your present situation, in which you are comfortable. Then move the bar up a little. Visualize yourself in that situation until you feel comfortable there. Then do something to get into that new comfort zone. Picture at work
Look at your situation at work. Do you think you could be comfortable sitting in your supervisor's seat? Can you envision yourself doing work that would deserve such a promotion? If you can, it may be possible. But if you try to picture yourself as the company president, but you know in your heart that you don't have the skills for such a job, you may be just having wishful thinking, and you can't make that your new comfort zone. Motivated to fulfill the image
If you can picture yourself in a higher position or you can picture things being better than before--like picturing the house with a new coat of paint--then you become unconsciously motivated to improve the situation. You start to make an effort to get into your new visualization of how things should be. Got new car
A friend--Harry--wanted to get a yellow Mazda Miata sports car, but his wife wanted him to get a practical white Dodge minivan. His wife was winning the argument. So we got a poster of a Miata from a Mazda dealer and pinned it on the wall in Harry's office, where he could see it every day. We were even thinking of sticking a picture of Harry behind the wheel. We couldn't get a poster of a yellow car, so we settled for a poster of a brown Miata . A month later Harry bought a new car--a brown Mazda Miata. His new comfort zone said that he had to have that car. I think he is still married.
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