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| Feb 21, 2001 How do you make love stay? Well, ask the all mighty Tom Robbins (author, guru, really all-around-keen guy) and he'll tell you (if he's not too busy studying the elusive peachfish) that there are three basic ways to make love stay. As follows: 1. Tell love you are going to Junior's Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if love stays it can have half. It will stay. 2. Tell love you want a memento of it and obtain a lock of it's hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a mustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay. 3. Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything's going to be alright. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning. There's got to be an easier way. This is the Twenty-somethingth century for Christ's sake! If we can clone Clinton and have Karaoke on every other Sunday down at ye ol' Bar an' Grill, then we sure as hell can figure out a better, easier, hassle-free way of making that fickle thing called "love" stay, right? And somehow, by hell or high water, we here in the Northwest will drink our mocha/latte'/coffee drink while doing it, by God! As to Mr Robbins sure-fire ways to go about the almost impossible task, I gotta tell you I think the man's a loon. A smart loon, don't get me wrong, but a loon none the less. Because I for one am sick an' freken tired of trying to scrape together enough money to buy a plane ticket to Brooklyn (and who the hell in their right mind really wants to go there in the first place?! Please.) for just one measly little cheesecake. I don't care how much like heaven it tastes like, I simply refuse to go. And? Okay, the closest to a dime-store we have over here is the dollar store (inflation?) and all I could find that even kinda resembles an incense holder was one of those cheap-ass ashtrays with the plaid cloth bottom filled with sand. Anyway, the way my upper lip is growing hair, I'll have my own mustache in a few years; I don't think I need ashes smeared about my face to remind me of that, thank you. Never mind the whole pissing out the window thing. I don't want to talk about it... Who knew the neighbors would be up at that time of the night?! grumblegrumble So, I've come up with a few (more finacially feasible and much less illegal) ways of my own to make love stay in this new and glorious day and age. Of course, knowing me as some of you obviously do, you know i haven't actually used these to my personal advantage. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't work; why would I want to use them myself? I know I joke about being lonely and pissing out windows (at least now I CAN joke...) but I've never really liked love longer than it takes me to change my underwear and have a cigarette. This is for you out there with the insane notion that love is a good thing. Silly heads. Personally I'm planning on getting a cat (for company, you perverts.) and some sort of life-time deal on batteries... Top Ten Ways To Make Love Stay: 10. Tie up love and throw it in the closet. (love is notoriously shorter than I am and I'm a bully.) 9. Entice love with songs and poems. If that doesn't win it over, wrestle it to the ground and sit on it unitl it says "Uncle". 8. Take love to the movies and stay to watch the credits with it. 7. Roll around in interesting-smelling things (dead fish, cow manure, road kill is especially nice on hot days) and then go around sniffing love's butt and genitalia for a good five hours or so. (Hey, if it works for dogs...) 6. Strand yourself on a deserted island with plenty of bottles, paper stock, and writing impliments. Write messages to love, stuff them in the bottles, and send them out with the tide once every full moon. Wait for love to rescue you. If it gets around to doing so before you die of exposure or worse, love will surely stay. (Mind you, this could last for a good number of years so prepare yourself by watching movies like "Cast Away", "The Black Stallion", and "Blue Laggon" to get pointers for survival.) 5. Barry White. (Need I say more?) 4. Follow love around a bit. Leave small presents on it's door in the middle of the night. Call love up just to hear it's sweet voice then hang up without saying a word. Have "amore" branded across your back. Sure, some might call it stalking, but love will see it for the undying dedication and devotion that it so obviously is and, oh yes, it will stay....Better fuckin' stay if it knows what's good for it... 3. Stand around at StarBucks and look pensive. Love digs pensive. 2. Love never looks fat in that dress. Nor does love need breast enlargement surgery. And, as far as love's concerned, size doesn't matter in the slightest. Remembering these very important rules will not only keep you out of the hospital, but it'll keep love at your side. And finally, what you've all been waiting for (okay, well, what I'VE been waiting for; I'm getting really tired of this shitty list of mine... who's idea was this?!) the number one way to make love stay: 1. Read up on the arts to the point of obscurity. (This is where the coffee drinking comes in and it's a great deal easier on you than the whole "stranded island" thing) That way if love throws out names like Warren Zevo, Nancy Holt, or Brion Bosworth you won't assume they're the long-sought-after missing stooges (or, say, the names of songs- I swear I was kinda kidding, Donovan!) and look like a complete goob and forever be in love's Little Black Goob Book where, no doubt, you'll stay for the rest of your hopelessly goob days until you get a life. Like me. Impress love with the almighty brain and it can't say no. And if it does say no, you can always think up really inventive, smart ways to kill it in a calm, seething (but extremely intelligent) fury. |
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