Q: Are you a fatty?
A: Yes. If you require the whole diatribe you'll find it in my Guestbook.
It should be one of the first entries. It's my sarcasim, it's my life.
Q: Is that your real leg or a clever fake?
A: What kind of a question is that? You freak!
Q: How many times are you going to listen to "Dancing Queen"?
A: As many times as it takes.
Q: Why can't you settle down with a nice young doctor and have some children like your sister?
A: ...I don't have a sister...
Q: What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
A: Good question...Maybe I'll come back when I can think of some real questions...And maybe get some real sleep...
Q: Why do you have such a low self esteem?
A: I don't. It's all just a game and I happen to play it very well. My ego knows no bounds.
Q: Is that your head or is your neck throwing up?
A: How rude.
Q: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
A: Un-fertilized, thank you.
Q: Your website is pretty lame, why is that?
A: Just trying to stay true to form.
Q: If you were a fruit, what kind would you be?
A: Who sent you?
Q: If you were stuck on a lonely deserted island with only one person of your choice, who would you pick?
A: Mc Guyver.
Q: Is it really better to have loved and lost than not loved at all?
A: I dunno. Maybe you should go ask somebody who's not a hardened, frigid old bitch like myself.
Q: Want to have sex with me?
A: I like goats, why would I want to choke one?
Q: Are you really so caloused and cruel as you seem to be?
A: Yeah. And I really do have a thing for Jell-o, too. (What, did you think it's all just an elaberate ploy to win over all the Yahoo Serious wanna be's in the world? Sheesh.)
Q: I've noticed there aren't any pictures of you on your site, why is that?
A: Well, Opie, lemme tell ya. I've got enough people bugging me for autographs and soiled panties, if you guys were to ever see what I actually look like, (oh! the horror) the tables would be turned. I have plenty of undies to clean as it is. Why would I want yours as well?
Q: Are you this sarcastic in "real" life?
A: No. My phony sarcasim is just one more step in The Great And Pointless Plan to get people to hate me. It seems to be working all too well.
Q: Do you think you're funny?
A: Yes. I'm a funny, fairly inventive, completely loveable idiot savant. And I'm VERY easy on the eyes as well. I figure if I'm going to have an over-active imagination, why not go all the way? Fuckin' deal with it.
Q: What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
A: I like cows. And Random Eat-Me-Like-A-Peach Villman. I'm a simple, trusting soul.
Q: Do you have a favorite food?
A: Why do I have the urge to answer with a simple "Imagine a cold winter morning, the sun shining through the kitchen blinds, and you're blood on toast." ?
Q: What are your favorite smells?
A: Who the hell thinks up these fuckin' questionaires?!
Q: What are you wearing right now?
A: Your head as a hat. I can't stand questionaires. Why the hell do I go through this shit?
Q: What do you do when you're really bored?
A: You're looking at it. Oh, well, and I'm masturbating in a frenzy when my connection's down, of course.
Q: Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
A: Yes. But even he kicks me out of bed when I drool.
Q: Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
A: No. To quote Random, a comic genius of our time: "That would release the ogre from his magic tree prison right into your mouth." And that just doesn't sound all that fun, does it?
Q: If you could have any job that you wanted, what would it be?
A: I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.
Q: What do you look like?
A: Oh enough. What the hell does it matter to you people what I look like? I could be model perfect and still kick you in the head with my wit and mean temper and isn't that what this website is all about? In fact, I'm going to go out right now and kick my own head just to prove my point.
How that's going to prove ANYTHING, let alone my non-existing "point", is beyond me and my two remaining brain cells.
Q: Do you have a room full of monkeys thinking up your lame-ass answers to your guestbook or do you struggle through the lameness all on your pathetic own?
A: Hello my name is Bongo! I like to climb on things. Can I have a banana? Eek! Eek! ... I mean, uh, no. What was the question again?
Q: Where have you been the past several months?
A: Whoring myself in a big yellow car that has TAXI written on it in large letters. For the small fee of 1.80 flag drop and 1.80 per mile, you too can deal with my personality while teetering over posted speeds and praying to whatever gods you hold dear. Some call it illegal, I call it getting shit done.
