| Rob, The Suposed Evil Orgasim Guy: I am evil because I like sex for power. I have gotten to the point where I am much happier pleasing than being pleased. I like the fact that I can get my girlfriend to make sounds one only hears in pron movies, then thanks me profusely afterward. I'm not fucking around - we just did. Now she's asleep and I may wake her up in an hour. Please keep in mind that I didn't always have room to gloat. It took some practice, but now she can only make it through half of a movie without stripping off my clothes, which is something I'm sure most men would like to have happen. I swear, if you take the time to help a girl reach that special moment, she acts like she's in debt to you forever. I think most men just don't try hard enough. Hey, you asked. --rob Sweetjesus! on Sparkmatch My Lame Reply: Let me fill you in on a few well known (at least in the "real" world; I'm sure in your's it varies a bit) truths about why you're not God's gift to any woman, let alone one with half a brain. Yes, it's true that many men don't try hard enough to gratify women sexually: whether because they're insecure about the whole process, too lazy to try, or just plain don't care, I don't know. And it doesn't matter in the long run. 'Cause no self-reliant woman is going to go through life depending on any partner, man or woman, for the ever-popular orgasim. I honestly can't see anyone in their right mind being eternaly thankful for a little sexual release, no matter how skillfully accomplished. Please. What a load of shit. The fact is, all women are different and just because you can flip the switch with this girl, who says you'll ever have the same kind of luck with anyone else? Feeling a bit of pride for your fruitful efforts or out-and-out (short-term) smug-ness is a natural response and I've felt these myself in situations similar. But never in my life have I felt superior or pretentious because of it. It's the luck of the draw, cowboy, and it has less to do with you than you realise. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad you get off on the porn noises your girlfriend makes (that's lovely, thanks for sharing), and I'm sure there are many guys out there that wouldn't mind nympho-tendencies in any girl of their's, but this does not make you nearly as cool as you seem to think. And bragging about it not only fails to impress, but makes you look like an idiot as well. I've personally heard the " I can make you come with one little finger" line more times than I can frekin' count. Big deal, guys, so can I. And I don't have to deal with your socially-imature stumblings and moronic personality to do it either. In the future you might keep in mind that women like myself (you know, the ones with more personality and taste in their pinky toe than you have in your whole delusional body...) might not want to hear your bullshit. 'Cause I didn't ask for it. |
| There are some real bone heads out there in internet land and this is where I make fun of them if they get too close to me. If you have anything to say in retaliation or just to comment, please feel free to email me and do so. Just be aware that you might see your letter up here sooner or later and I've been known to make grown people cry... If only through laughing at my ineptitude to the point of tears... With that out of the way... These letters have all been copied without any doctoring of the original errors 'cause I just don't care enough to mess with it. |
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| Now I wish I hadn't gotten rid of all those other stupid letters I've gotten over the years I've been on the net. Give me some time and I'll aquire more I'm sure... |
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| Lamer than you'd expect from an albino chimp... |
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| Ours is a strange home... |
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| You know, you're not cool unless you sign it. Everbody's doing it. |
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| Culture?! I got yer culture right here! |
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| This is what I've been doing to procrastinate the day away... |
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| If I could get paid at this whole finding strange crap thing I'd be frekin' rich. |
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| The only reason I put these here is 'cause I like the flashing lights and pretty colors... |
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| Even if you wanted to know, I wouldn't tell you... |
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| As seen on T.V. and staring in my wildest fantasies... With marshmallow topping... |
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| Just what the fuck do pork rinds have to do with sex?! |
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| Fine, leave then. Just watch out for the monkeys, they throw shit at you. |
| For the first time in Sarah's Lame Website history, we have a guest rant/letter and it's in retaliation to the orgasim-guy's letter. This is just one of the more eloquent reasons the ever-lovely Kat married this man: The Man: What you told this braggart was/is right on the money, you really have to try different things out on different women/men/livestock errrr... whatever you're into, each person is truly different in what gets them off. The problem that this person has, is that this is apparently the first time he's had a mature sort of relationship and getting too confident about his prowess is what will lead to his sexual demise or make him too lazy/ bored to care i've seen it before hell i've even comitted this atrocity myself once or thrice. It sounds like he's found himself in a position usualy held exculsivly for women, the "pleasing your partner first"syndrome, but sometimes it's o.k. to just FUCK! if each act is just an act of "lovemaking" you will get no long term respect from your partner, and eventually they will leave you. I'm not trying to be mean, i'm just telling you the truth. We all have the right to our own orgasmz. Sorry to say, even you. Anybody can learn to please their partner/s on a physical level, and make them have an orgasm, but what will make you really attractive to them is the ability to tell when their body language changes and interpreting these actions correctly, (this is the sure fire way to tell your partner you're truly paying attention to their actions sexually) when you're pleasing them mentally and emotionally. if you can't do these things at least get some lezbo friend to teach you to eat pussy like a champ to the point where she makes no noise whatsoever because she can't. As for the "RIGHT" to gloat, the only time that you have the right to gloat are those last few seconds before you die when you're absolutely positive that each and every person you've ever been with was sexually gratified, a few short seconds after this moment, when your life is flashing before your eyes, only then will you realise that SHE'S FAKING IT STUD!!! -me |
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| Some idiot named camel57 off of the Spark Match: Do you ever want to 'talk dirty'..?? If you do, and I hope that you do! Tell me exactly what you are wearing right now and ...I will finish this story for you... I come behind you, and begin by nibbling your ear and trailing warm wet kisses down your neck, my hands wrap around you pulling you closer to me, then they move up to carress your breasts, your nipples stiffen and get hard through the silky material of your shirt. You moan softly as the buttons of your blouse are undone and it slips off your shoulders, I reach behind you and unclasp your bra and your breasts fall free, your nipples hard and pink, my kisses trail down your shoulder till they find the soft curve of your breast I paint wet circles around your nipples and flick at them with my tongue before my lips close around them and suck deeply on them... Shall I continue..?? My Lame Reply: Let's recap, shall we? So, first of all you want to know what I'm wearing. Simple enough answer: What I always wear anytime I sit my sexy little self in front of my big, hard and overwhelmingly powerful computer; nothing but a cockring and a smile. I'll give you a dollar if you can guess where I'm wearing the cockring... Now, let's take this step by ever-tantalising step, shall we? You come up behind me- Oooohhh, I'm liking this already, you mighty vision of studly pulchritude! And then you begin by nibbling my ear- I'm assuming I've taken out my piercings and plastic accessories in preparation for this eagerly anticipated moment? Or are you chewing on the little Virgin Marys I normaly have attatched to my lobes? And now you're trailing warm, wet kisses down my neck- Oh God please say I've lanced that damn boil on my neck recently or this fantasy is ruined! Your hands wrap...around... me- Ooookaaay. So somehow you've got it in your head that I have an easily spanable waist. Either that or you must have freaky huge hands... Okay, it's a stretch, but I'm easy... Oh, so easy... Then they move up to carress my breasts- now this is where I have a small problem with the whole "Freaky Hands" thing. If you have massive mits, then how the hell are you going to be able to feel where my tiny misquito tits are?... Okay, I'll let it slide just this once, but lemme tell ya, this isn't turning into the Fabio fantasy I was hoping for... Nipples are stiffening, good, okay, what else...? Oh. They're getting hard under silky material that I'm not wearing... You didn't think this through very well, did you? The only silky anything I own are some outfits for my mannequin and she doesn't share. Okay, maybe I can make this work... How 'bout I just think you're talking about my silky skin? Good enough for me... I'm moaning softly (moaning not my usual sound effect, but we'll just ignor that for now, too) as you... unbutton... my skin. No. That's just not going to work at all. Shake it off, Sarah, Shake it off; how often do people come on to you?! Take it while you can! Okay, I'm ready. The shirt (that I'm not really wearing DOH! never mind)slides off my shoulders and you reach... behind- Now, wait a minute! How the hell did you get in front of me?! Are you a clone? Are there two of you roaming about with massive, ungainly hands?! Kinky. Bring it on, honey. I'm with it. You're unclasping my bra and my breasts fall free... Aside from the whole, silly not-wearing-a-bra thing, I really only have one problem seeing this part of your artistic and manly seduction. My breasts (loosely defined as such, I'm sure) have no where to fall. Barbie dolls have more cleavage than I do. Nipples hard and pink... well, I supose for someone so nipple-obsessed as you and your clone are, it's hard to imagine that I might not have pink nipples but light tan ones instead... I'm obviously dealing with an inferior imagination. But I'm going to try to get through this if only because if the nipples are hard then it's at least a start... Kisses trailing down my shoulder (my impressive, linebacker shoulder, but I'll move on...) till they reach the flat, barren landscape that is my chest. (sorry; for practical reasons I had to step in artistically speaking) you paint wet circles around my ...ew... Please tell me you're using your tongue. Yada yada close over nipple- what is your deal with nipples, anyway?! Don't you have some of your own? Whatever. Okay, Mister Mystery, let's try this again. this time I'll start. You're all alone in your office and I come in wearing my cockring with pizza sauce smeared all over me... Oh, wait, let me start from the beginning. I'm a 70 year old male pedaphile on the hunt for little boys and, aside from your elephantiasis hands, I find you delightfully childish enough for my lustful desires... |