What is the greatest movie of the year?
Answer here...

i lay frozen as familiar hands made my heart race, muscles tighten, and breath shorten. familiar hands that gave me hugs before, held me when i was upset, and played with my hair were now sensually carressing my tummy. i will let you know, too, that i find that amazingly sensual. but these were hands that were not supposed to be doing this. these hands were pulling me closer to him and grabbing my thigh. i don't know what was going on. i wasn't really scared as much as confused. i thought we were going to bed. he said "let's cuddle" so we did. we're friends. friends cuddle. especially close friends. but last time i checked close friends don't have their hands in your pants grabbing your upper thigh. now i love this boy. i love him more than the stars love the moon and the sailor the sea. i just lay there as he held me, held him back, and pretended to be asleep because i didn't know what to do. was he so drunk he thought i was his girlfriend? was he really asleep? i fell asleep on and off. the first time i woke up in a sweat.
"you hot bro?"
"yeah.."
he pulled down the covers from my chin, tucked my shirt up to my bra, and rubbed his hand bak and forth across my belly until setting it protectively on my side holding me close to him. the whole night i didn't know what to do. i was incredibly turned on (told you, really like that belly thing) - this is agorgeous boy afterall - but was perplexed to the nth degree because of the nature of our relationship up to that point. i lay there in his arms and felt safe and happy, despite my immediate confusion that could rank as fucking confused as all hell. i will be honest. i did not want the night to end. it did, though. nothing happened besides that stated above and more of the same. he said nothing in the morning so i didn't either. i got up, gave him a hug, and told him i loved hm because it was and is true. i do love him. i love him more than i have ever loved anyone. what sort of answers does that ofer to the questions he has posed me with, though?

I want to go to St. Louis. I am going to make this happen. Just watch...

I can't get that little rat off my mind and it makes me even more vunerable to losing my temper because I am so angry and upset that he is gone. People will try to make the argument that it does't matter. That he was just a rat. Whatever. Those people don't know shit. The death of an animal upsets me much more than the death of a human most of the times. Animals are creatures that love unconditionally. Most humans haven't even been able to master that one. Animals don't go for the most attractive person in the room or the person with the most money or "people skills." Animals go for the people that treat them well and love them. They are a constant reminder that the stupid things that everyone spends half their day worrying about really don't mean anything at the end of the day. That's why this upsets me so much. Because one of the ceratures that had the ability to think and act that way is gone now and I really cared about him. I suppose with all the good things that come along with being an animal, one of the hardest things to overcome is the lack of a real means of communication. If I could have asked Sam what he wanted done, whether he wanted to try to take all the medication and go through the doctor's appointments and surgery or whether he wanted to go home and die or take the shot and die, maybe it would have been easier. Because at least then I would have known that was what he wanted. But now I don't know and I have killed my friend. I hope some day I can feel as though I deserve some form of forgivness, but right now I just wear the shame around me neck and walk a little heavier. I wish I knew what to do to feel better and to make things right.

Special "Yesterday" Edition

It's Gerard's birthday today. He's a great boy that I love deeply. He has an ability to say things that I wish I could say. Everything he does is beautiful and there are few people like that. Gerard is true to himself and those around him. When I hang out with him and the Eyeball kids I don't feel ashamed saying the best part of my day was going to the toy store or saying that I like listening to cheesy metal or anything. It's all okay. Gerard is beautiful, inside and out. I admire him greatly and hope he has a truly wonderful birthday. Happy Birthday Gerard!

Hardcore is for the kids. It was a movement started by kids for kids and still remains a musical style that targets a younger audience. Kind of like NUHOC, though, hardcore has a very strong "alumni" base. The alumni teach the younger kids the fundamentals of the scene. Through this guidance the younger generation grows up with the same respect for others, dedication, and love as the generation before it. The older kids support the younger bands. They support the kids themselves, as well. Pretty soon the line is thinly drawn between the older kids and the younger ones. Instead of being separated by age, they stand side by side, bound with the same convictions. It's amazing and wonderful at the same time. There's a true love there that transcends age, class, and everything else. There will always be troublemakers of course, in every scene, but as long as that love and camaraderie remain at the center of it all, the scene is still true. And that's what I love about it. Everyone is welcome and it's built on something that is just entirely positive. Now that's fucking P.M.A. Mikey!!!

This is a picture of This Day Forward from Hellfest 2000. They were sick! They played Hellfest 2001 as well and again they were amazing. They ahd this rare form and style, I dunno. I was just really cool. No bleeding in 2001, though, unfortunately. I can't wait until they play around here (or someplace I can take the bus to) because they fucking rule and I love them.

Thought from the Desk...

Still here, but not for long. I can't wait. Today I sat through a meeting that was over an hour. All they did was argue about money. I thought we were going to talk about something cool like drugs and alcohol. At least they're interesting. No such luck, though, of course. Money, money, money. Boring Sindney, BORING... little Sid and Nancy shoutout. Wasn't even a good movie, but whatever. I think it was important that I watched it, especially at the time that I did. I was obsessed with the Sex Pistols. And Sid Vicious for that matter. It was funny, I was so dumb back then. I saw Sid Vicious as this vital part of punk rock history, lol, no wonder Chuck made fun of me so much when I would come into the Soundgarden drunk and start talking - everything I said was so fucking dumb. But yeah, EdTech - AKA give us money, give us money... is a load of shit. I love how these people can sit here and blah blah blah about how much they care about making a connection with students. The fake smile and that far-away looke enters their eyes and then someone says that they're not getting more money and all that is gone, indignation appears, and they demand to be compensated for spending time with the students at their school. I wonder who they think they're fooling.

Something to Ponder...

You gain power by pretending to be weak. By contrast, you make people feel so strong. You save people by letting them save you. - Andy Bradshaw

Photo by John McKaig

Photo by Guav

Anderson Bradshaw of Another Victim taking charge of his stage. I have never met Andy, but I am hoping one day, maybe when The Promise tours or something, I will have the opportunity to. I would like to thank him personally for having such a positive influence on my life.

These are pictures of pictures of Santa Sangre, true, but let me take a moment to talk about the another band that the Jonathan duo formed that changed my life. I grew up in an abusive household, to simply call it abusive is somewhat of a joke. It sucked. A lot. I was scared to go home for over a decade. I was the only suicidal second grader I knew and that feeling was one that stayed with me through grade school and well into middle school and high school. I was convinced for a long time that I would never see my eighteenth birthday. I am twenty now. I can't believe it. In one way it seems like a miracle, in another sense it seems like some sort of sick joke. No one that is exposed to the evils that I have seen lives this long. I have seen so much raw hatred and anger directed towards me and I am so weak myself... It astounds me that I am still here, and sometimes not in a good way. Sometimes I wish things had taken their rightful course and taken me out of the picture. The pain I deal with on a daily basis because of the things I have seen is very trying. More trying than anyone around me really knows. I will never let in and show them the horror, though, it scares me enough. I can see my father's eyes filled with hatred as he tells me that I deserved to be sick instead of my brother. I can see the hatred overflowing as he raises his hand at me once again. I can still feel the terror inside. I remember when I ran up the street to the Manfredi's seeking refuge. We had a couple feet of snow and I ran there as fast as I could in my socks. When I got there Mrs. Manfredi wasn't home and Mihall had already given me away to my father. So I sat there, waiting for him to come get me, shaking and in hysterics. Over half my life was spent overwhelmed by both terror and fear. Well, long story short, I was very down, depressed, adn suicidal for a long time. Nothing made sense to me. Nothing seemed worth living for. Everything that I did that I thought was notable, I got shit on for. It quickly became clear to me that nothing was ever going to be good enough. Then, by some sort of stroke of luck, I met aboy named Joey who introduced me to hardcore. The emotion in the music finally spoke to me. I was hooked. But there was still something lacking. I still felt mediocre, despite this new found freedom. Then I heard Another Victim's song "Free in Constraint." It was a bunch of tough hardcore boys talking about feminism. I was shocked and blown away at the same time. These kids, these boys, understood how I felt. They knew about the discrimination. I don't know how. They are boys. But they knew. After I had read some of the things Anderson had to say I was astounded that such a person existed. I still diefy him. It blows my mind how a hardcore boy can think like that, but at the same time it gives me hope that maybe things aren't as horrible as they often seem. I don't know...