Well, this is exactly what is says it is. I write shit down here that I think and feel. Sometimes it's well thought out, sometimes it's entirely lacking. Whatever. This is honest and real. That is all I try to ask from myself and by reading this you agree to do the same. Try not to get pissed off about anything that might be written here because, to be entirely selfish, this is my forum to vent so I'm going to put down whatever the fuck I want. If you choose to read it, don't be pissed off. I would have no right being pissed off at you if you called me an annoying little shit in your personal diary/journal.

11 February 2002

Didn't update this in forever and a day, but it's okay because no one really gives a shit and no one even goes to this site anymore. Score. That makes me excited because it's like it's all mine again. Sweet.
So I talked with the Bone last night. I called Alex because well, I fucking missed that kid, and he was on his way to the premiere of a BMX video so he asked me to call him later. Okay. I did. I got Bone. I think Bone and I are the only people that answer that phone "Eyeball/MOC...". I said hello to Bone and asked how he was and somehow he was able to pick up in my voice that something was wrong, which there was and there is. There are a lot of things wrong, but it's difficult to vocalize them and I won't even do it here. A lot of things that happened last week upset me is all. Somehow Bone knew that and I don't really know how because I wasn't thinking about them when I called. I was just thinking about Pencey Prep and talking with Alex, y'know?

Bone asked what was wrong and gave me one of the sweetest inspirational taks. I wish I had a pen and paper with me so I could have written down things as he was saying them, there were some really great quotes I could have gotten. It's okay, though, because I remember them now in my heart. How did Bone get so smart when he's only twenty-two? Probably the same way Alex got so smart and he's only twenty-six. It was incredibly nice of Bone to say the things he said, though, and I got off the phone with him feeling all funny. It's still hard for me to believe that someone actually cares about me and that I have a family. Sometimes I think I'm going to wake up and it will all be a joke. I know those kids would never hurt me, though. They love me too much and they know I love them too much. For now, I'm going to try to follow Hambone's advice to the best of my ability and wake up and say, "Fuck You" and just do my thing and do my best not to let anyone hold me down. I believe he phrased it, "Be the best Lady T. you can be." So I'll do just that.

14 December 2001

This has been a really sad month for this poor little online journal. There's almost nothing in here. Well, today is my last day at EdTech this year and as a full time employee which is comforting beyond belief. I want my vacation! I want to sit on my ass and be lazy and go Christmas shopping drunk! I want to go to NJ and see Pencey Prep play! ...which I might... I am stilla waiting an email from one Paul Vellano (if the bastard doesn't email me today I am going to call his ass up. First on the regular then on the cell. It's that important!!) Then after that I will have the pleasure of calling Alex and being like, "Bro, I'll see you there. Actually. Come and get me? I don't know how to get there..." I never said this was going to be a trip to prove my independence. I did that the last two times. This is a trip to celebrate with friends and be silly.

11 December 2001

I really do like Piebald. I am glad I gave them a second try, because this is infectious, really. So I'm at work, as usual. Matt Dunn from Trustkill IMed me. That was slightly exciting. I would like to make more hardcore friends, even if they are over 200 miles away. Still works for me. I want to do something for New Year's other than drink in Mihall's basement. I would have really enjoyed going to Newark, but that will not happen. The New Year's Eve show is apparently now happening. I want to go. I want it to be warm out because when that finishes (since I will obviously not have the car because I am not allowed to drive, ever) I think it will be a brisk walk to Ronimal's house. That would really be perfect, though, because then the next morning I would just have to go across the street. It'd be sweet.

What will happen, though? Well, I will end up in Mihall's basement, as usual. Sparkes will be hitting on Finns, just like in high school. I will get to hear all about how happy everyone there is since they have found Mr./Mrs. Right. I will hear "Dude-I-was-so-drunk" stories. Their stories are never as good as the things I have seen. Really? You threw up?? Really? Then you went home with her? I never heard that happening before... I know I am being harsh, but you would think that being in different cities, big and small, we could think of something cooler to talk about then the times we got all fucked up and trying to outdo one another with drunken tales. I don't know, it's just annoying is all I guess. Maybe it's because I don't go to a lot of parties; I would much rather go to a show than a party. Fuck parties man, I can get drunk at home. I can't see the Cancer Conspiracy play at home. Score. I don't know. I'll risk it sounding completely snobby and stuck up. I don't care. And know why? Because it's time for me to go home :)

10 December 2001

Spoke with T.J. last night for a little bit. It was cool. I have to get down there and visit him. He says we can go to the conservatory there. I am excited. If we had a conservatory here I would hang out there all the time. Be a dork, chill with plants. Sweet.

So Friday was the Cave In show. Fuckin sweet. It was awesome. Cave In was great, they played everything I wanted them to play (well, I only really wanted them to play two songs so that was pretty easy). They also came out for an encore and also did a badass cover of "Drain You." That was sweet. The riff started and everyone's eyes lit up. Fucking ace! The Icarus Line have one of the best stage presences I have ever seen and after seeing him play, I want to stick my tongue down Aaron Icarus' throat. Hehehe. They were all set with a place to stay, unfortunately, so still no visitors at 16 Long Ave. Cancer Conspiracy got a bassist. Weird. Johnny lifted me up during their set and it was like, "Wait! Why are there three??". They were, of course, amazing. Noah was there and said that they needed a vocalist. I told him that he obviously had no idea what he was talking about and was disrespecting the music. LoL. I love being a dick about music sometimes. Such a fucking snob LOL. So the show was great. We got food afterwards and then Heather gave Johnny, Kev, and I a ride home. Noah was too drunk to be driving, but was all the same. That made me nervous. Heather had her truck so Kevin and I hopped in the back. We laid down and just watched the stars and it was so cool! HoLy ShIt! Perhaps even better than the trunk. Jury's still out, but this was really fucking cool. No idea where we were, all we could see were the tops of trees, buildings, and stars. Awesome. The one downside was that somehow we got this nasty updraft that went right up our pantlegs... talk about cooling you from the inside out! Hot damn. It was really sweet, though. Great time.

Saturday I was in the shower havin a good ol' time getting clean. NUHOC party was that night. I was like, Hmmm, shave the legs or let me go another day...? and I decided to just let them go. Not like I was going to be hitting on people at the NUHOC meeting and they were't gross yet or anything. So I was dryin' off and there's a knock on the door. I fucking HATE it when people call me and I'm in the shower cos it's always someone that I don't want to talk to. I love getting phone calls, but for some reason people only feel the urge to call me when I'm in the bathroom. So I asked John who it was. I was going to make him take a message, even though he said it was a guy, but I decided against it and hurried out. It was ALEX!!

"Lady T, what's up?"
"Alex!! Nothing, how are you?"
"Good. We're coming to Boston."
"When??"
"Today. For the Makeoutclub party. It's at Bill's Bar, is that near you?"
"Yeah!"
So it was decided he would call me when he got more details about it and all. I was so excited, I ran out and told Johnny and Brad. They were not near as excited as I was. So I checked out billsbar.com and got some of the details about this thing. I was scared, I was afraid I was going to have to wear makeup. I'm not used to wearing makeup. So I called Heather and we planned a rendevous point at Bennett. She'd bring the makeup and some expertise. I would bring my unwilling body. Now after Alex's call and before I discovered I might have to wear makeup, Brad, Johnny, and I went out and bought a whole lot of beer. Johnny and I started hitting it up pretty hard. He more harder than I. We had a couple shots of vanilla Schnapp's and were hitting the beer bottle pretty hard. Johnny's goal was to finish a sixer before we left for the NUHOC party. Rock and roll. I called Kevin to invite him to the NUHOC party. He was hittin' the Rubinoff like a champ. So we were all buzzin pretty nice when it was time to go. I wore my green v-neck wool sweater, vest, and shiny green polo shirt. With the staple jeans of course. Staple jeans are always a must. Had some good times in these jeans... So we went to Bennett. Took the bus. It was snowing like a motherfucker. Sam started a snowball fight at Bennett. The keg was on the porch (sweet....). Chad formerly of Kennedy Hall was there and he was nice to Kevin and I. Score. Matthew was being all silly and himself. Noah said he was down with the hardcore scene and wanted more. We'll see. I don't know if "NUHOC's finest" showed up. No one said anything to me about it, although I'm not all that sure they would. Buckland was there. I introduced him as "Big Oil" to Kevin and Kevin was like, "Ahh, so you're Big Oil. I've heard a lot about you..." LoL.

The boys had a snowball fight and then it was time to go. Joel offered to give us a ride in teh Northeastern van, which was awesome. I think for most of the car ride was spent with either Kevin or I singing. In fact, I think most of the night was spent that way. We got to Bill's Bar and I was drunk, Kevin was wasted. When we walked in I scanned the crowd and just felt anticipation and then, right there at the door, was Alex. I was so excited!
Then Hambone appeared!
It was better than Christmas! Hambone was completley wasted, it was hysterical. I met makeoutclub.com Mark. He seems like a cool guy. Very sharp dresser.
Hambone got us some beers and it was like being back in Syracuse. Blatantly underage and drinking and no one gave a shit. It was great. It was so good just talking and being around those guys. I don't know how to explain it. I look up to them a lot and I admire what they're doing with their lives because they can do whatever they want. They're their own people and live by their own rules. That blows my mind. I know kids like that back home, too, and it's the same thing, just completely blows my mind. I long for that type of freedom. Seeing those guys this weekend was really just what I needed. I needed to laugh and smile and not be so down about things here like the kids and all... and I have been to one of those parties, I dunno, maybe I'll go to another. People dance there, but I know the music that they're playing. It's really weird. But good. If I did go again, though, I'd go with Mikey or Johnny or Kevin. Cos then we could laugh at all the lame people there that are racking up their scene points lol. Some of them are cool, though, definitely.

We had a couple more beers, Kevin made out with a girl, I told Alex he was the hottest guy there, saw Hambone's tattoo. Hambone left (he was so wasted!) along with the rest of Pencey Prep and Alex's little bro. Alex, Kevin, Mark, and I hung around for a bit longer. It was definitely time to go home, we were all wasted as fuck, so Alex made sure we were all set with money for a cab and all and we went our seperate ways. I hoped they knew where they were going. Kevin and I got a cab and made it back. We opened another beer between the two of us and didn't even finish half of it. Went outside and smoked a stoge. Kevin was talking about going home but I gave him the big veto on that one. I wasn't going to be up worrying that he was wandering around Boston, in the snow, wasted off his ass. He went to bed on the couch and I set my alarm for nine and went to bed.

Alarm went off at nine. I actually got up. I felt bad calling drunk kids that early and sat in bed for a couple hours listening to music. I ended up getting in touch with Alex a little after noon and we decided to meet up at Bill's Bar. Johnny, Kevin, and I were down and Johnny drove us there. While throwing snow at me the whole ride. We got there and no one was there. Johnny opened the sun roof and snow fell in on me. I got out and started throwing snowballs at the car. He got out and we had a right-o party. He opened the door and threw snowballs at Kevin. There was an "Aaachhgghh" from inside the car. We just played in the snow until the giant yellow bus with "Pencey Prep" stylishly stickered on the front pulled up. LOL! And I was worried I wouldn't be able to recognize their car! Alex got out and it was hugs all around again. They got lost and the people in Boston, being typical Bostonians, gave them weird ass directions. We laughed about it, though, and headed out to the Pour House. On the way there we saw a parking spot where we thought the van would fit so I went out and directed them. We were on our way there, they were all positive they wouldn't fit, and we saw Johnny and Kev parked on the side by McD's. Alex leaned out and was like, "Give us your parking spot Vermont!" and fucking with him and Johnny actually got in the car and moved. When he did everyone felt bad. Alex said he would have told "New Jersey" to shut up. Hambone was driving and tried his hand at parallel parking. Not good. So he got out and Frank went at it. He did much better, but he had one wheel on the curb.
"Look, it's okay, you can't push it over!"
But he got in and fixed it anyway. We walked to the Pour House, all those kids bitching about the cold (I thought it was cold in NJ too...?) and Alex's little brother told us how they had taken a cab back from Bill's Bar last night, only to get dropped off three blocks from where they wanted to be. From the way they were talking, I guess kids in New York City don't walk anywhere.

We took over the Pour House and were by far the rowdiest kids there. Reminded me of every other time we went there. There were some absolutley hysterical stories told. Like the one about the Thursday kid telling off a woman with MS who cut him off into a Syracuse gas station. I laughed so hard my sides ached. I almost choked a couple of times. Those kids are the best. They walked us back to the car and it was hugs all round again. It was sad to leave them. Alex invited me down for a party they're having the 21st and for New Years. Right now, New Years is looking pretty good. I don't know how I would ever manage to pass that one by my parents and I am even more embarrassed that I would have to. Such is my life. Last night Mikey said that he and Brad will come and rescue me for New Year's. I don't know. I would like to do something other than drink in Mihall's basement and pretend that we're not drinking. It would be fun to go to Newark and hang out with them... we'll see. I have plenty of time. It was amazing seeing them, though. I miss them now lol. Or it could be the vibe that this sad Jim Croce song is giving me... It was a fucking great weekend, though. I couldn't have asked for a better one. I can't wait to go down and visit them.

7 December 2001

Sometimes the violence gets to me/ Makes me so sick I can't even see/ I will prevail/ Good times followed by the hard times/ And the good shall return and this I do swear/ Though my eyes I have seen your o.k./ Through suffocation, dedication I will rise/ Through the heartbreak through the sorrow/ Let it pass by till tomorrow - Vision of Disorder, "Element"

There's a lot of violence around now. It's very depressing. There was almost a lot of violence this past weekend. I was scared. I was scared for myself and for The Funeral. Those guys aren't big and they don't look like fighters. I bet Buske could rip some shit up because he works out and all, but the other guys in that band are small. And Buske's not even that big. He's muscular, but he isn't tall or anything. I dunno... All of the 315 kids would have gotten hurt, I am sure of that.

Listening to the old VOD stuff is so much fun because it is the first stuff that I was really exposed to. I wish they had actually put on a good show when they came to Syracuse this summer. Such a shame, I was looking forward to seeing them so badly... Oh well. This old stuff is still fucking great, though. I forgot how much I loved listening to it.

It's really finger pointing fun at some points lol... and I'm sitting here looking at my CDs and for a second I was like, What BCD did I buy? and then I saw it was the Warzone album. That was a steal and a half for a buck. Hot damn. Two albums are on there too. Delicious.

22 September 2003
I can add onto this now because, well, no one gives three flying shits about this site anymore. Not that this is a bad thing. I don't really care about it, either. It was made when I was a different person. I was so young and naive! Enough nostalgia, though. It never really gets anyone anywhere.

I think I will call Aaron tonight and see if he wants to go get some coffee. I am scared to do this, yes, but I really want to hang out with this kid. I am slowly coming to realize that he reminds me not only of Bryan on a rack, but of Matt as well. I don't know how I feel about all that. Lord knows, the last person I need to be reminded of on a daily basis is Matt. I think about Matt all the time, anyway.
How could I not?
...but I do not know. Anything could happen. Maybe I will hang out with Aaron and we'll become great friends. I could use another friend, especially one with his type of sense of humor, here in Boston. Maybe more will happen. Maybe I will turn out to dislike him. Maybe he will dislike me. I don't think either of those things will happen. I think both of us are too nice. Which is kind of comforting. The last time I fell for a nice boy was, well, Matt. Aaron is nice, though. He tells me he wants to take walks in the park with me on pretty days. How endearing is that? He could be too nice, though. If he can't sit around and appreciate a few dead baby jokes, then there is really no future in it all. I think he can handle it, though. I remember him being funny at the Lodge forever ago and I had a great time with him on Wednesday, so who knows. I will call him. Yes. I will be a big girl. What is the worst that can happen, afterall? I think, no matter what happens, I will probably end up laughing so as far as I can see, there is no harm that can come of this.