Photo by Don Harbor ------------------------>

30 November 2001

Oh shit, here we go. If I can make it through this weekend without anything going wrong all I have to say is, I fucking rock. But I'm not counting on that. I'm counting on numerous things going wrong, but that's okay as long as I get to see Santa Sangre play. Representing the 315 Kids. The more I think about this, the more insane it seems. What the hell goes through my mind sometimes and why am I dumb enough to follow through with it a hundred and fifty percent all the time? One of these days I really am going to kill myself doing something dumb like this and then my parents will be like, "She was always the dumb one in the family. Intelligent, yes, but so very, very stupid when it came to common sense." Who knows, maybe they'll ahve the opportunity to say it sooner than they think...

29 November 2001

I'm almost in Chicago. I can taste it. No, not really, but it's frighteningly close. I asked Mike from AWARE if he wanted to hang out, but I think he's all sketched out because someone he talks to over IM is going to be in his town. LoL, kind of funny. Whatever. I can't be upset cos I'd be kind of freaked out too. It would have been nice to hang out, though. Oh well. It's okay. Kind of funny that he's scared of me lol. It's because I'm so jacked and imposing. I know. I get it all the time :) This 20 CDs thing is killing me, the more I listen to things, the more I want to bring them along. New Stephen Brodsky, Saves the Day, some Verve. Maybe the Strokes. Beatles! Such decisions...

Why is it when you are looking forward to something the day drags by ever so slowly? I can't wait for this weekend and at the same time I am absolutely horrified. There's a lot more walking on this Santa Sangre weekend. These are bigger cities too. I was at smaller cities before and it wasn't all that bad being alone. I was only nervoud once, in Winston Salem, when I was walking back to the bus station in the dark on the super sketch road. Other than that I felt pretty safe the whole trip. This is going to be different, I fear. It's prety ballsy, though, I am giving myself huge props for going through with this again because it's really hard. I want to be there, but I know it's dangerous (and expensive), especially since I am not the most frightening of characters. Or the strongest. But we'll see. I'm going. That's not even up for discussion. It's more like, hmmm... will I come back?

28 November 2001

Yeah so rock on random IM from Buck! Where the fuck did that come from? I'm not entirely sure, but it was really nice talking to him. I miss having Buck in my life (how fucking cheese does that sound?).

27 November 2001

So things went well with Mikey and Michelle. That's good and I am truly happy for him. I have always said that Mikey is a great guy and that it was beyond me why no one else seemed to understand and appreciate this. As I was telling, T.J., things are going to be much more boring for me from now on around the apartment. Mikey was pretty much the only person I saw and well, yeah. So I dunno. Maybe Johnny will be around more? Maybe not. I don't know. Brad won't be, he needs to work and he enjoys it so he should be there. If I was home I would just put in hundreds of hours at the Sound Garden. Here things aren't as easy by any means. I don't have a job. I have a place where I go every day that pays me at the end of the week, but it isn't something that I enjoy. Well, maybe this is a job and the Sound Garden wasn't really a job because I enjoyed it... either way. Things are going to get a lot more lonely in the upcoming months I think. I'd better make some hardcore friends fast lol.
I went to go see Spark play (the one and only time I have seen them) this summer at the Westcott. I didn't know anyone there besides Grant and, well, it was his show so he wasn't really hanging out much. So after every band I had to deal with this dumb 'hanging out outside the venue" deal cos it was fucking hot and smelly in there. We would have been stupid to stay in there a minute longer than we had to. So I sat by myself every time a band was through and they were clearing the floor. I felt so lonely. Then Jonathan showed up and came over, shook my hand (as he always does), and asked what I was doing.
"Sitting... I don't know anyone here." Now all summer I had been making myself look like a jackass infront of this guy (letter to Andy & AV) so I wasn't too ashamed to admit this fact
He told me that he went to shows by himself for years when he was in California. I don't really believe that, but at the same time it isn't as though he has anything to gain by lying to me and Jonathan has never lied to me before... I don't really know. It was kind of comforting to hear though, in a way. I guess that's how things are going to be now. Don't care if I'm all alone by myself/ Live my life for me and for no one else/ Try but they never will taint/ My True Love I couldn't even attempt to say it any better.

There's a more "finalized" version of "Crush all Fakes" by The Promise. Very exciting. Or it might be the same one that's on the demo, but I don't think so. The drums sound a lot tighter. I'll have to check it out. Either way, it's very exciting to watch a band this good coalesce. I wish I was home, not home as in Cornish Heights Parkway, but home as in Syracuse. I thought that it sucked ass for such a long time and now I realie that I just hadn't known where to look for things to do. My friends from high school still think that it sucks. They don't see or experience the culture that's around that place. They aren't getting the IMs from kids in Texas who dream of one day visiting Syracuse. I'm not saying that it's a place that I would dream about visiting, I think those poor kids don't really understand how to decipher truth from fiction, but... I miss it a lot. I want to help out the scene. I want to see the faces of the kids again. lol, I don't even know them. To them I'm just "that girl that works at the Sound Garden" and they're just "that hardcore kid" to me, but I still miss it. At least there were shows going on there. Here everything happens in fucking Worcester. How am I supposed to get to and from Worcester in the middle of the week? I have no idea. I'm sure you don't either. Damn... And the kids here seem to have an national reputation for being pricks. I met some and they really sucked, true, and thankfully it isn't just me that sees this because in two different cities I've had people ask me about the Boston scene and offer up, "Wow, the kids there are really lame aren't they?" You have no idea.

26 November 2001

So what's coming up. I asked for Monday off. Good. I accidentally sent it to everyone at Edtech, not as good, but who gives a shit. If they don't give me the day off, well, then I am going to be sick because I'll be on a bus, coming back from Cleveland. Hehehehe, Cleveland. That place just seems funny to me for some reason. I don't know why. It's going to be sweet, though. Santa Sangre Weekend with Santa Sangre. What a departure from the norm. It'll be great to see those guys on stage as a functioning band again. It's going to be so sweet. I am excited just thinking about it. I'm not quite as excited when I think about the twenty-four hour bus ride, but hey, fucking hardcore right? It'll be fun. Parts will suck my ass but overall it will be fun. Meet Mike Flemming, formerly of AWARE. That will be cool. He always seemed like a good kid. LoL, I think he's two years older than I am or something. Weird. Last year I always pictured him as being much older. Chicago will be fun, though, I think. And hopefully Santa Sangre will find it in their hearts and the space in their van to give me a ride to Cleveland with them. If that happened I think I would cream my pants I'd be so excited. Riding in a small van with hot boys for hours upon hours. Sweet. Essentially, too, I'd be sleeping with them hehehe. Sorry I need something to laugh about. I'm at the fucking Educational Technology Center and people have been yelling at me all day over the phone. Not people that matter either. Dumb pricks that ask me things I don't know and don't need to know. But Santa Sangre Weekend. A+. Following weekend - Cave In/Icarus Line/ Cancer Conspirracy. Oh how sweet it is, boys. Yes, the Icarus Line and buddyhead might be chillin at our apartment. I am so excited. It's such a buzz kill that there are so many days of boring, gruelling nothing-ness between Sunday and Friday every week.

25 November 2001

Talked with T.J. for about two or three hours today. It was a long time. It was great, though. I miss him. I miss having him around and having him say the silly things he says and everything. He said that if I am ever lonely on a Saturday night I can call him. He doesn't realize, though, how special he is. Once Joanna realizes what a great guy she has waiting for her, lol, his Saturday nights will be plenty busy. It was very nice of him to offer, though. I guess you could say, right now at least, T.J. and I are members of the Saturday Night Club -- that is, we have nothing to do other than sit around and do, well, nothing. Or in my case, take dangerous road trips to far off places. It was really good to talk to T.J., though, and hear that. He didn't have to say that. I miss him a lot. I miss a lot of people that aren't here. But when I am away I miss my roommates, so there is no way to win in this situation.

19 November 2001

Well, Friday (because it would be an act against God, if I believed in him, not to document Friday) was pretty sweet. I talked with Alex for about a half an hour before we left for the show. He's so cute. He met a "rad girl" and he's just so all about her it's awesome. She's planning on moving so I was helping him think of ways to make her stay. Poor Alex. I hope she stick around for him. He's a good guy. But he's having a good time, which is good. Apparently the Piebald/ Thursday tour was one of the best tours he's ever been on, so that's great. I was really happy to hear that the kids in Syracuse treated them well too. That was really nice to hear. He went out with Jeff Watkins and that's just funny. He met Grant too. Small world. I was getting all gidy when he was talking about these people. I miss the familiar faces. So Alex was in Newark and not in Boston so we didn't see him at the show. If Uni Scott was there, we didn't see him. The show was great, though. Thursday rocked so much ass. They were awesome. Just amazing. Johnny said he thought they were better than they were at Hellfest. Their set was short, I think they played maybe six songs, but every one was tight and just stunning. A little pit formed once, it was nice. The crowd knew every song and sang them back to the band. I think they had a really good time being up there. They played "Paris in Flames" too. They called it their metal song. I don't know about that, but it is my favorite song on the album at the moment. So Thursday, there's no way to elaborate on it and make it sound more impressive other than they fucking rocked. That's just all there is to it.

Hey Mercedes were great. They came out and threw their water into the crowd and encouraged the kids to pass it around because they said we couldn't be dehydrated because we had to sing along for Saves the Day. No one really gave Hey Mercedes the credit I think they deserved. They put on a good set, but (maybe?) some of the kids there didn't appreciate that they were more emo and not poppy punk or indie-emo. I thought they were really good, though. They played the one song of theirs that I love, "Every Turn" and I was happy. That made me smile. The vocal levels were down a little low, but other than that they put on a really great set. I like them a lot.

Saves the Day ruled. Kids started getting stupid and pushing and it was pretty dangerous for awhile, but as far as Saves the Day's set went, it was great. Chris is an amazing frontman and he's just funny to watch. He does the goofiest things! It was a really tight show. Chris did an acoustic set which was awesome. It was just really sweet. I was so tired and so thirsty and just overall drained after the show, but I had a really good time and I think Johnny and Mikey did as well. They were both awesome because they took a lot of shots for me. Especially at the end, I was so tired and Mikey took the brunt of the pushing and all. It was a lot of fun, though. We all came home really stinky. Fucking awesome show, though. It was good to see. I don't go to enough shows here.

18 November 2001

I am the stabilizing factor in this apartment in that I will always be single. The others would laugh, or maybe be embarrassed if I said this, but the others are these amazing guys. Yeah, I can find faults in all of them, but looking at the big picture, what girl would be dumb enough not to go out with these boys? I mean, c'mon? They're all good looking boys. No one would argue that except them. Good sense of humor, sweet, blah blah blah. They're amazing boys. Whenever they meet girls I want to laugh when the girls want to hang out with them, it's like, "Of course they do!" I mean, Brad and 'Zane are obviously made for each other. No one doubts that nor should they. Johnny is just a great big teddy bear. He's badass when it matters and sometimes when it doesn't. Funny, unpredictable. He won't be single for long. LoL, that boy is so damn slick too, hehehe, I have friends that would kill for his suave-nesss lol. Mikey is the same way. He's silly because he would never have anyone think it. Even though he can't approach girls, he still has so much to offer that it doesn't even matter. He just needs to be himself around girls. He doesn't realize what a great guy he is. It's very silly. He'll find someone that appreciates him and it'll be great for him, though. He thinks he's one of the not wanteds, but he is mistaken. he is simply an "undiscovered." I am one of those people that is not wanted. Not wanted sounds better to me than unwanted. Makes me feel slightly better about the situation I suppose. But yeah. I am officially giving up on looking for boys because it's a complete and utter waste of my time. I'm not going to find someone and that's okay. It bothers me, but it doesn't. I can be a better person without someone else. I can focus more on making things better for my friends than making them better for myself and my boyfriend. There were maybe three times that I met boys that I thought had massive amounts of potential, but it was not to be and so be it. There is no use in getting upset because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. That's a waste of time. Apparently wasn't meant to be and if it was, well, lol, not anymore. I refuse to let myself get upset over it. I'm tired of directing so much energy towards boys. Most of them aren't worth it. That right there isn't even cynicism, it's reality. My friends who are guys agree that most of them are scumbags. Or, if not scumbags, still not worth it. So I follow their advice and my own. I'm tired of them. I look for a nice hardcore boy, can't find the right one. Emo kid? Still nothing. Punk? Well, that was a laugh. Outdoors boy? Well, no. Regular boy? Didn't work either. So whatever. I'll still admire, there's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not looking anymore. I will slowly try to strangle that hopeless romantic inside me. She hasn't been doing me any favors lately. Instead, I can take the time I spent looking for and trying to impress boys and learn more. About everything. I can go and explore this world of ours. In two weeks I am trying to plan a trip to Chicago for Santa Sangre weekend with Santa Sangre this time. It will be a nice change from Santa Sangre Weekend part I. I don't want to look for a boy anymore. The one I want isn't out there (lol, and my expectations aren't all that high either lol). No, instead I just want to learn about things now. Be a better kid.

I told 'Zane, Johnny, and Brad about how my parents are going to Jenny's wedding and not Missy's. Brad asked if I thought my parents would go to my wedding. I told him I will never have one.
"That's what you say now..."
"No. I will never have a wedding."
"What about if you got together with Ewan McGregor?"
"That would never happen. I can only think realistically."
"What about Thom Yorke?"
"Again, it would never happen. So I don't even think about it."

It's hard being not wanted sometimes. But I think it will be easier now since I accept it. I will never have to deal with awkward first dates or trying to impress anyone anymore. The only people I am out to impress now are myself and the people that I respect.

15 November 2001

I'm just going to look at that first page of this site for the rest of the day. That's just an incredible picture. It's taken by a man named Guav. He used to live in Syracuse and lives in NYC now. No, I do not know him. I know of him. He seems really cool, though, and apparently he is a friend of Anerson. Anyone that is a friend of Anderson must be cool because Anderson is one of the coolest people alive (I've been saying that a lot. I should make a list...). I would really like to meet him. Of all the people I know, there are very few that I can think of that are not hardcore kids and are totally focused, content, and know what they want out of life. Anderson is, to me presently, a surreal being. He doesn't really exist. No one is that perfect. No one really thinks the things that he does. They're too intelligent and wonderful. If I meet Anderson, the only thing that I will be able to get out of my mouth will be something dumb along the lines of "Uh-Hi! I love Another Victim and The Promise. They're awesome! That was a great show!" It will be so pathetic.

Last night Simon and Greg came over. It was so cool. I never see them outside of NUHOC. It was great just to sit back and hang out. The only kids I've ever seen (that are members of NUHOC) outside a NUHOC event are my roommates, Heather, Alison (she'd come over. I didn't hang out with her), and Brian Verzella. The only reason I saw Brian Verzella, though, was to go running with him to something NUHOC related. I like the club and all, but it's even more fun to hang out with its members outside club events. It lets people relax a little more and there aren't a hundred people around so you can say whatever you want. It was a lot of fun seeing them, though. It sounds so dumb, but it was.

Digression: Heather called to find out what time the show was at and wanted to talk to Johnny, but he was asleep. She asked me if Johnny had spoken to me and I said he hasn't so I am very interested (not really) about what's going on there. I don't care if they're upset at me or what. I don't know what's going on with this "talking to" thing and I don't really care. The two of them treated all of us like shit for a long time. I just want my roommate back and I'm happier than a kitten when I get to see him. Every time she is around I don't get to see him, though. Some crisis always comes up and it's time for a serious talk. Whatever. I'm sick of that shit. If you're going to hang out, hang out. If you're going to sit there and ruin everyone else's good time because someone looked at you the wrong way or because of something that happened months ago then don't hang out. People go out to be social, interact, and have fun. I'd like to do that with my roommates. We'll see. I have a feeling this is going to turn into one of those "Mikey and I are the collective third wheel" situations again. Fucking sick of it. End of digression...

We sat around, drank more than a couple of beers. Mikey finished a beer, bottle of wine, and made a dent in the remaining bit of scotch he had. Mikey was wasted. It was funny. He stole my little instamatic camera and was trying to take pictures of me so a fight broke out and i did win - I was thrown against the corner of Mike's desk and my back hurts a lot today. But I think that's just funny. I got thrown into the corner of a desk. That makes me smile. It couldn't have been in a worse spot, either. It's right in the middle of my back where my back kind of goes in... it's hysterical. It sucks, but it's still pretty funny. If Alex comes to town tomorrow I'll introduce him to my abusive roommates lol. It'll be funny.

I wish Stevo was coming. Not Brad's Stevo, different Stevo. They kind of look the same, though, except Sound Garden Stevo is older. Stevo's living somewhere in Brighton and has been being really lame. So I sent him an angry email and he responded, apologizing, and said that he is a lame fuck for working so much and that once he's back in school he promises not to suck so much. Good Stevo. Cos you were sucking a whole lot. So Stevo is going to be cool. All I need is for Ray to stop acting like a prick and it'll be happy days! Not counting on that one too much, though. Ray really sucks.

14 November 2001

Professor Schroeder said that I can take the EMI internship. And my schedule is all set for it and I got the big okay for the overload. I saw Kevin today and I told him that since Santa Sangre was together the universe would fall back into place. And it has. Lovely. Thank you Jonathan, Buske, Kevin, Corey, and new guitarist guy. Appreciate it.

I can't stop listening to This Day Forward, it's great. I haven't listened to them since Santa Sangre Weekend and I just put it in now -- It's like being reunited with an old friend. Even though it's only been two weeks.
I talked to Hambone yesterday over AIM, it was cool, he remembered who I am. He isn't feeling well, which sucks. I told him to drink som tea with honey. I hate tea with honey (honey is nasty), but it does help. And I heard some people even like it that way anyway. AWARE Steve kept putting honey in the tea he was giving me at the Mayer shows. I felt like it would be too mean not to drink it because he said he made it special for me so I kept gulping it down and he kept bringing it. It was actually prety funny. Like a bad sitcom joke. I hope Hambone feels better soon, though. He can't go on tour sick, that would just make him 800% worse. Everyone that goes on tour comes back sick and exhausted and malnutritioned. Although, to be fair, it does seem like Alex and (I'm guessing) Hambone and co. are smarter about it by bringing vitamins and the like. I don't know if Another Victim, Santa Sangre, or Spark ever took vitamins with them. Maybe they did. Either way, touring is tough on the kids. I hope Hambone feels better. I'm going to talk to Scotty when I get home and see if there is anyway Pencey Prep can get on a show in Syracuse. If it's over a weekend I'll go home for it too, as long as it isn't the weekend of Ozzy or Cave In/Icarus Line. Well, that's like half of December. If it's on a Saturday then I can make it, or a Sunday. Just not Friday. I'd go home to see Hambone play, though, I think it would be pretty sweet. LoL, I could rent out Brush's house and let them stay there. Brush would love me for it. Kids, you want to see how close of a relationship you have with your boss? First ask him to give you a place to stay when you're coming home and don't want to go home. Then ask him to pick you up at the bus station at quarter after 2 in the morning. If he does all that. You're on pretty good terms and you might be able to get away with inviting people over to his house. I don't know. I have to talk with Scotty first and foremost and see what he's got going on.

Last night Mikey, Johnny, and I were hanging out on the roof outside my window. The boys were hoping the girls that live across from us would get naked. They didn't. They were disappointed. I was pretty happy. If they did I would have the two of them out on my roof every night. It was fun, though. I like being on the roof. When I spent the night at Ronnie and Nicki's place when I was in high school I made Ronnie take me up to the roof of his building because I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I like being on roofs and bridges. Two best man made structures. I get all wide-eyed when I'm in a car or bus going over a bridge. I think it would be funny to watch because I am so fascinated by them. I don't know what it is, either.

13 November 2001

If they were to make a movie of my life, most of it would have to be me sitting around waiting for someone, anyone, to call and want to talk with me. Hasn't happened yet. It's only people that want things from me. Mostly things that I don't want to give them, but that never matters. I always give it over. Call it a weakness. I figure it is better if I suffer so other people can be happy for five minutes. Or something like that. I'm no martyr, but I'm not as smart as I should be about things that bother me. That is, unfortunately, though, one of the things that makes me who I am.

But none of this matters much, I might get to see my friend Alex on Friday! He reminds me of the things that make me feel at home in hardcore. Of the community.

So my Santa Sangre boys are still together. I am so happy. I can see them again. Jonathan Buske still hasn't emailed me back yet, but that doesn't even matter. I know they're still together! HA! The thumping guitars and nasty vocals are still touring and happy! Jonathan and Buske are still talking and True Love (now The Promise) will be playing together with the duelling Jonathans on guitar. I can see them play again. I can see Kevin and Jonathan and Buske all up on stage together once more. After the show Jonathan will ask me if I had fun and say his performance wasn't as tight as he wanted it to be, Kevin will talk to me about school, and Buske will ignore me. I can't wait!! I can't believe that I was misled for so long. Those bastards in Winston Salem. But asshole-Danny from Winston Salem doesn't matter anymore. Why? Because Santa Sangre are still together!! HA!!! This is the best news I've received in awhile.

"So how's the smoking thing going?"
"I've actually cut down a lot."
"I thought you were going to quit for the month."
"That was an idea I was kicking around, but it got shot down by too many people."
"What nonsmoker wouldn't encourage you to stop?"
"I was going to stop smoking and drinking and people gave me a lot of shit for that..."
"Drinking? Why would you stop drinking?"

Conversation at the laundomat last night. How different things are here. Weird. Almost two o'clock, it's been over twelve hours and no email from Buske. Just wanted to keep updated.

12 November 2001

Sometimes things happen that make it so that you don't even want to think. You don't want to see the reality around you and you're willing to sacrifice every last piece of integrity that you might have. I can't do that anymore. I can't be a hypocrite like that and preach about honesty when I constantly lie to myself and pretend things are different. I don't know what to do about it. People don't know what they want. That's okay. I don't know what I want. But every once in awhile, when it comes to an important decision, when I finally make it, I stand by it. I guess that's what I wish was going on. Maybe. I'm not sure, all I know is that I'm fucking sick of it. Loosing sleep and getting all upset because other people are fucking up. I wish I could forget about it all...

I wish I could sit down and know that there was someone out there that was waiting to call me, to hear my voice... I wonder if those people realize how lucky they are. Like, right now, two of my roommats are home and I can bet who they're thinking of. Those repesctive people are also thinking of them. I know who I'm thinking of and, well, he's not thinking of me. I can go so far as to promise you that. I can also go so far as to promise you I really don't want to go see Thursday with Heather in light of the whole John-Heather thing/lack-of-a-thing but that's simply not an option now, which fucking blows. Rock on fucking awkward night and third wheel!!! God knows I haven't FUCKING gotten enough of that yet! FUCKING BRING IT! Why do things have to suck so much sometimes...?

I look back on the situations that made me the person I am today and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. An abusive household, a brother that was dying for over a year, never fitting in... I used to wish that those things never happened and I grew up like everyone else. I used to wish for the "normal" childhood. No more, though. I have finally accepted what has happened to me and respect it. I bask in my independence and my comfort in lonliness. I sometimes wonder if those things have made the wall around me so thick that it will never fall, but if this is the case, I am not upset. Bad things happen to everyone. Some kids just get more of the shit end of the stick than others. I got a lot of it. If this means that I will always be guarded, then fine. No matter what happens to me in the future, I am prepared to face it. Ridicule and disgust are part of my daily life. No one understands why I have chosen the path that I have, but no one has been around to experience these nineteen years with me, either. After years of pain and suffering I have chosen not to reflect pain and suffering on anything else. I will not eat animals. I will liberate them. I will not kill anything so that I can remain here. Instead, I quietly go about my business and admire the beauty that surrounds me. The different faces, the different shades. I am not yet at the point where I can say that I will live without hurting myself. I do not have the discipline to stop drinking or smoking at this junction. Soon? Maybe. I have a feeling that if I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with a few of the people I admire (Buske, Anderson, Jonathan...) that might be different. The things these people say moves me like no words can describe. Do not be mistaken, though. I do not seek their approval, instead, I seek their guidance for the path I have already decided is in my future. I bore my soul to these people once before, this past summer. When confronted with it, I was ashamed and embarrassed. Insead of laughing, though, Jonathan showed nothing but love and understanding. He sees how much his words, music, and actions move me. Modern day celebrities say that they are not role models and wipe their hands of the admiration and adoration sent their way. Jonathan, Anderson, and Jonathan Buske accept this praise with their heads bowed and extend a friendly hand. I love them for it. Buske and Anderson know almost nothing about me. Anderson could walk past me on the street and see no one, but I still consider him my friend. He has shown me guidance and support than rivals that shown by anyone else. Jonathan, Anderson, and Chuck are proud of me. Buske, well, he might still hate me, but I love him. He has been an instrumental part in making me feel the way I do today. How do I feel? Comfortable and content. Focused. How can you thank someone for changing your life? I don't know. I'm still trying to sort that one out myself.

11 November 2001

I talked with Gee Eye Joel and he isn't in Boston, he just might be this upcoming summer. He used to work at the Tusk with Grant. I don't remember him. Actually, I might. But the guy I remember seems much older than I think this guy is. I'm not sure. He remembers me, though. He said I am the one that always wore all the Another Victim gear and said I had Syracuse love. That I do. I told him to let me know when he comes up if he wants to go to a show. I don't have anyone to go with. My roommates go with me sometimes, which is nice of them, but I always wonder if they really have a good time or just say they are having a good time to make me feel better. They try, though, I d give them that. It'd be nice to go to a show for once, though, where the person was familiar with the band beforehand. It's really cool that my roommates go to hellfest and want to go back and all, no doubt, but it's the kids that know their shit that make the shows great. Those are the kids singing and dancing. I'd like that once in awhile. Gee Eye Joel also told me that Santa Sangre have NOT broken up so this is something that i am going to be looking into deeply. If they haven't, that means I should have gone home this weekend to see the show tomorrow night - Candiria, Clutch, and (??)Santa Sangre(??)... Fucking hell. If they're still together I might just ask to go to a practice or something, I did miss two sets last weekend. I hope they're not broken up. That would be fucking amazing if they still existed. I would be so happy...

I did something I have never done before. I instant messaged someone I don't know. His name is Gee Eye Joel and he took some of the pictures that I have on this website. He's also a friend of Grant's somehow. He's in a picture with him at least. I feel very weird, but he is also from Syracuse and living in Boston right now so we'll see. He has ann away message up right now. I feel dirty for IMing someone I don't know. Oh well. Maybe he's going to the Thursday show. I am. Maybe he wants to go. Maybe I am a loser. Yes, that's a valid possibilty.

10 November 2001

Back home I was miserable for a long time. I hadn't found the right people. Even now, I made friends in school, but I know a lot of them won't be my friends in three years time. I look at some of the other people I know, and they're so lucky. They found the right people early on and will remain friends with them forever. I hope that some of the people I know now are the right people...

9 November 2001

My own physical weakness and ineptitude is something that is a constant source of agony for me. There are so many things that others can do without assistance that I can not. And I don't want to ask for help because it makes me look so useless and pathetic... Agonizing.

8 Novvember 2001

I'm really tired today. I need to eat during the day. I never do and I know it's bad, but I always figure if I just eat when I get home it will cancel out the neglect that I have placed on myself the hours before. Bad. I'll learn sometime.
Brad got his knee surgery today. They said there's a fifty percent chance that the surgery will help him. Rough. I hope it does something, though. He's going to be so hard up for so long and if all of it was in vain... damn that would suck. It's funny because everyone always talks about all the advances we've had in medicine and all, but people are still getting hurt and no one knows why. I don't know, looking back everyone just seemed so much healthier, but that's probably because everyone that wasn't healthy died. But look at all the amazing things people have done. Climbed Everest without the help of Mountain Hardware and North Face. Hiked across America (Lewis and Clark, all the people on the Oregan Trail -- yes, I know a lot of people died, but if we tried it now a lot of people would die too.) It's just weird. I'd think we would have grown tougher over the years, but with all the technological advances we've had, it seems like we're almost staying on the same plane. We've got better technology, but our bodies can't take the beating that they might have been able to handle hundreds of years ago.

Thursday tickets came yesterday. They're hanging on my door so they don't get lost. I'm excited. Even if Alex isn't here, it's going to be a sweet show. I think that's the weekend before Thanksgiving break, too, so I get to go home and say I saw a sweet show the weekend before. When I go home my parents want me to sit around and "visit" for four days. I want to put in a day at the Garden or something because I miss them. My wall is going to be all fucked up too, and I owe it to the kids to fix it and make it look all pretty by the time I leave. I don't know, we'll see. I want to go to work and seeing how it is my vacation I think I am going to work. It's going to be either work or watch football and I think anyone that knows me knows I would rather be illin at the Garden.

7 November 2001

I can't wait to get out of here lol.

6 November 2001

Santa Sangre Weekend was, well, sans Santa Sangre. Santa Sangre is no more. I just heard things about people falling in love and all and there's jut no more Santa Sangre. It is heartbreaking. I don't know how I feel about it. I am happy that I was able to go down and meet Alex, Hambone, Mario, and co. in South Amboy, but still... I went to Santa Sangre's first show. Buck and I were listening and thought they were really good. And they sucked then compared to what they had become. I don't know, I don't like it one bit that they broke up. Especially because a few of the guys in that band are so important to the music scene in Syracuse and the hardcore scene in general. Jonathan and Buske should always be involved in something musically related. They are the voice of a generation. They are some of the most influencial people in the Syracuse hardcore scene. I mean, you've got DJ Rose, Chuck Hickey, John McKaig, and then you're falling into the kids in bands and like it or not, that's going to be the AV boys. Obviously the Earth Crisis kids too, but their views are so militiant that they sometimes alienate people. The AV kids never did that. It was an open arms party every time they played. They played for the boys and the girls, straightedge kids and the non-straightedge kids. All they asked was that kids were themselves and believed in something. I don't know... I just hate knowing that Santa Sangre is gone and right now these amazing musicians aren't doing anything.

1 November 2001

Last night was the NUHOC Halloween party. It was fun, I went as a box. I realized how much I enjoy the company of a lot of people in the club. It was good. Alison wasn't annoying at all for a change and the people that live in Ashford seem like pretty cool kats. All a little odd in their own special ways, but overall they seem pretty cool. The freshmen were all really cool, even Anthony-the-drunk-kid and Kate-the-dumb-drunk. It was really nice to see the not as drunk kids help out the others. The freshman from the pool hall was there. Apparently he had a good time because he decided to come out with the NUHOC kids again - good for him! It was a lot of fun though. Good to see everyone having a grand ol time. I can't believe we drank as much as we did. That was probably the most impressive part. The only way we could have drank that much is if they started mad early on the first one, but I don't think they did. All in all very impressive.

It was funny, Mikey and I walked home and what started as a "That was dumb" conversation escalated into a two hour conversation about a lot of things. It was good, though. I'm very happy that I am living with Mikey. He says we keep each other sane and that sounds about right.
So tomorrow I leave. It's a great feeling, but also very weird. I can't believe I am really going. It's very exciting.