| The Birth of Modern Man |
| Once upon a time there lived a bright young boy. "Hey, why does this story start with 'Once upon a time...'? You're making it sound like some fruity fairy tale." Heh hehm, Ok then. Long ago, there was a time. In this time, boys had not yet lost 100% of their capacity for intelligent thought. They had brains to rival those of women, almost. "Wow, we used to be smart?" Yes, and you also used to know how to shut up. Anyway, one of these boys happened to be a small prince. This prince was out taking his lessons in the courtyard with his mentor one day, when a dazzling maiden stumbled up to him out of breath. "Wow, a girl! Do I get to kiss her?" *Sigh* Later. Now, the young prince asked the distraught maiden from whence she had come. "What does whence mean?" Will you just let me finish the story before you ask questions? Thank you. The maiden responded, "I am a princess from a far-away kingdom, my people are being oppressed by a cruel and overbearing queen, my stepmother." "Yeah, my mom's a real bitch too..." The prince had completely missed the point. What the princess was trying to say was that her stepmother had taken over the kingdom and was running it into the ground. The prince decided to use his brain that he then had some control over. "I think I shall talk to my father about sending some men from this kingdom over to fight your queen." The Prince did as he had promised and the King, because he loved his son so very much, sent over his entire army to the kingdom of the princess. 3 weeks later, one lone soldier returned, battered and broken. He reported that the queen had foreseen this attack, and had set an ambush, killing the King's entire army. "Oh no, was I in that army?" If you had been in the army, and killed, would you still be here annoying the readers? No, now shut the hell up. Now, the King's army had had very good benefits and was a very popular profession. So popular, in fact, that every many in the kingdom, except the King and his son, were soldiers, and were now all dead. The King, realizing that the Queen would soon retaliate, and that the future of his kingdom now relied on the women, decided to ask them what they thought he should do with the queen in the far away kingdom. "Wait, what do women know about running a kingdom?" Apparently, a lot more than you do. Then, since the prince couldn't keep his mouth shut, he was eaten by a dragon. "Wait, what? Don't kill me!" Can you be quiet for a few more minutes while I tell this story? "Sure, all you gotta do is ask." *Grrr* Ok. 10-9-8-7... Breathe in, breathe out. So, the women of the Kingdom chose a representative to go and speak with the King and advise him on how he should handle this situation. This young woman happened to be the princess of the far-away kingdom who had gained the favor of the women of this Kingdom with her recipe for plum pudding. She approached the king and advised him thus, "Oh King. Your Kingdom no longer has an army to take on that of my stepmothers. There is only one way you may prevail in this situation. You must send the women of your kingdom to outsmart the Queen at her own game. The only problem with that is that my stepmother has a mind equal to that of any other woman. What you must do is to give all the wisdom of men to the women of your kingdom, so the my have their own wits, plus those (few) of men." The King, using the extra mind power enjoyed by men of that time (which he was soon to lose), realized that, though inconvenient, this was the only way to defeat the evil queen, and free the people of the far-away kingdom. "My dear, you are correct. I will give you all the wits, marbles, and logical thought of the kingdom." So, the princess and the rest of the women of this Kingdom took this added mind-power and marched against the evil queen. Meanwhile, the king and his son were left in the castle, lifting metal tables and punching each other for fun. Thus was born Modern Man. -Kegan Shepard |
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