Lynnessa Rose
I really don't know how to answer them
other than explain my feelings.
Even though Mark and I now have three
wonderful children since Lynne's passing,
it still hurts deep inside knowing
that we will not have the
pleasure of holding, hugging or touching
our oldest child until we meet Jesus ourselves.
It is a feeling that only a parent of a
child in Heaven would know about.
The feeling is called 'emptiness.'
There is a hole in the heart where
a child's love should be today.
That hole will not just go away becaue
people think it should.
That hole will always be there and cannot
be filled just by having other children.
Yes the other children *do* bring joy into
the lives of parents who have gone through a loss,
but they cannot replace the
child that has passed away.
A lot of people used to tell
me that "You have other children to think about now."
And while they were right,
they just did not understand
that a hole had been dug into
our hearts and that hole can only be filled by one child.
We have lots of love for our
three children (Brandon, Talia & Kathryn);
and we have made mention several
times to them about having an older sister in Heaven.
But they have not replaced Lynnessa...
they were the blessing from God after
Lynnessa's passing to help us begin our healing process.
So when someone asks me why I do not
make much mention of Lynne anymore,
it is not because I
can't talk about it,
it is because I am looking for someone
who will sit and listen to me babble on about her
to help heal my heart and that hole I have even more.
You see, the more she is talked about,
the better I end up feeling.
So if you are willing to sit and listen
to me talk about her and my feelings,
I am willing to tell you all about the
experience and how I feel to this day about it.
Thank you for taking the time to read
about my feelings on Lynnessa.
Believe it or not, writing out my feelings,
just now has helped me feel better inside.
As her birthday approaches, I ask that you
keep Mark and myself
in your prayers as the 24th and the 25th of
August are always tough on
the both of us.
To read about what happened, continue on.
If you do not wish to read about what happened,
please scroll to the bottom and click one of the other buttons
to leave this page.
What was supposed to be a very
special and happy occasion
turned out to be a new
mother's worst fear.
Mark and I were expecting our
first baby in August of 1997.
We couldn't wait! We knew we
were due in August,
but our due dates were unsure
because
the sonogram had two different
dates
and the doctor *also* had two different dates.
Anyhow, I went into labor with Lynnessa
on the early morning
of Sunday, August 24th.
We were really excited
that our baby was
finally arriving!
But we weren't prepared for the
road that laid ahead of us.
When the doctor showed up, he
looked at the monitor
that was monitoring
Lynnessa's heart beat.
He didn't say anything, just
that it was going to be
a long day. He went back home
and showed up a
couple hours later. He looked
at the monitor
again, then he saw a problem.
The baby's
heartbeat was not being recorded
for some reason.
He was really concerned about it.
I had only dialated one
centimeter, but since
he thought there was a problem,
he broke my water.
He didn't like what he saw
and explained
to us that the baby had had
a bowel movement
inside of me (pardon me for
saying it that way,
but I don't know the medical
term for it),
so he was going to have to
have the baby
taken by emergency C-section.
My nerves were really stirred
up at this point.
Not just because I'd never
had surgery before,
but because there was a
problem with the baby.
They took me and my husband
into the operating room and put me out.
When the other doctor brought
me out of the
anesthesia, he informed me
that I had a girl,
but that she had swallowed
the bowel movement
and it lined both of her lungs.
Talk about
being scared, I was petrified
for my daughter's life.
On the way to my room, they
allowed me to see her
through the nursery window where
they were
taking care of her. I cried because
I couldn't
hold her. My arms and heart both
ached for Lynnessa.
Once inside my room, I had been
informed that they
were going to rush her to one of
the other
hospitals with a
neonatal unit in it.
They brought Lynnessa to me
and let me hold her
for about five minutes before
they took her
from me.
They were transporting her to
the other hospital without me...
what a feeling
that is when your newborn
baby gets taken
from your arms...
possibly knowing that
was the last you were
going to see her.
Thanks to a lot of help from
my husband and couple
of the nurses, the doctor
finally allowed
me to leave the hospital
and get transferred
to the hospital that Lynnessa was at.
So the night before wasn't the
last I'd see her.
God gave me another chance to
be with my
daughter and I am so
greatful to Him for that.
I was so happy to see Lynnessa.
Even though she was
hooked up to a lot of tubes,
I was just so thrilled
to be with her and my husband.
We knew
it was going to be a long,
rough day, but we kept
our spirits up.
We had the comfort of family
and friends to help our spirits,
but it didn't
seem like enough.
We wanted Lynnessa to be well
so that she could go
home with us and so
she could give us a
chance to raise her.
Well, our hopes were shot
down at around 4:00 p.m.
Monday afternoon.
Lynnessa, after endless
fighting,
had passed away.
If it had not been for
the Love of God, Mark and I
wouldn't have made it through.
God never left our side from
the time Lynnessa was
taken to the other hospital
until the time she had passed on.
He helped
calm me down and had me understand
that she was now
in His Hands and He was
going to take
very good care of her.
And He let me know that I
will see her again
someday if I live
my life right for Him.
Mom's, if you have lost a
baby and would like to write
to me and share your story, you
can do so by clicking on my name:
I will get back to
Dad's, losing babies isn't
I hope that my story has
Thank you for listing to me share my story
you as quick as I can.
easy for you either.
Let me tell you, don't
hold in your grief.
Let it out. Don't worry
about not being a man,
or being strong for
your girlfriend
or spouse, crying
begins a healing process.
It will make you feel
a lot better.
Talk to your wives/girlfriends about it.
Communication with your
spouse/girlfriend will
keep you going strong.
You can strengthen one another
by communicating and
expressing your feelings
about your loss.
Dads, if you would like to talk
to my husband, you may
do so by writing him by
clicking on his name:
helped some of you out there
who are dealing with a
loss of a baby or loved one.
about my daughter.
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