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Home -- Sometimes a good
place to start
Nursery Rhymes --
Here are some Alternate Nursery Rhymes - Not the kind you learnt in school.
One Liners -- Get a load of one liners from one
place.
Stories -- Here are some funny stories you can tell
your friends.
Something completely different -- Some rejected jokes
from other sites. Believe me you'll soon see why.
Confucius says -- Get some Confucius Says jokes here.
Gutter Rats -- These are not for the feint of
heart.
Wedding Day Blues -- Get the low down on Wedding
days
Catch this one.....
-- If you can.
Page produced by R.C. 2000.
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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," continued the sales clerk. Confused, the poor man asked, "what types are there?" The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple: The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills. "ONE LESS THING TO WORRY ABOUT?
FORD AND GOD Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line-changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven." Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there's too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. maintenance is very costly 4. it constantly needs repainting and refinishing 5. it is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days 6. the rear end wobbles too much, and 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust." 'Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"
TWO TEXANS Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo Burger too fast. The first Texan said to the other, "Think we aught to help?" "Yep," said the second Texan. The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"
THE WISDOM OF MOTHERS John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother noticed how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between John and his 'roommate' and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started wondering if there was more between John and the 'roommate' that met the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just 'roommates'. About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver serving spoon that she was admiring. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take the silver serving spoon from my house and I'm not saying you "did not" take the spoon. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver spoon by now. Love, Mom."
CRAPPY STATUES Two naked statues, a man and woman, had been standing looking at each other in a park for a hundred years. An angel came to visit them and said that since they had stood there so patiently throughout all the summers and winters, that they would be rewarded with half an hour of human life, to do what they had been waiting to do the most. So, the two statues came to life, looked at each other, laughed a bit, and said, "Shall we? Yes, let's." So, they slipped off into the bushes. There was a lot of rustling. After 15 minutes, they came out from behind the bushes, hot and flustered and happy. The angel reminded them that they still had some time; why not start all over again? So, the statues giggled a bit, and the man statue said to the woman statue, "Okay, let's do it again. Only this time, I'll hold down the pigeon, and you crap on it!"
DROWNED IN GUINNESS Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. " Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda, no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
STINK BAIT A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her.... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
TIGHT SKIRTS A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus. She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!" The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
GREAT NEWS FROM MUM AND DAD? One Sunday morning Bill burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Sue. After dinner, Bill's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Sue is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." Bill was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Bill. I'm awfully sorry about this." Bill was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
PARTY TIME Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear? Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.
CHURCH FUNDS A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline: Preacher Shows Ass The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said: Preacher's Ass Out In Front The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read: Nun Has Best Ass In Town The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated: Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks! They buried the Bishop the next day.
BROTHERS TO THE END Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married and Joe was single. The single brother, Joe, was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jones' wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sunk. A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe, and mistaking him for John said: "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe smiled and said: "Well, I'm not a bit sorry! She was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack, and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her, but if anyone else used her, she leaked like anything. But what finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I would lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once, and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle. Before he could finish, the old lady fainted
FIRE-TRUCK SIRENS A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?" The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
IMMEDIATE LOANS Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
TWO FARMERS Two farmers trying to decide whos pig is whos. One farmer says to the other one, "I'll cut off one of my pigs ears." He does, but the next day the pigs get into a fight and the one eared pig bites an ear off the two eared pig. The farmers decide that they will cut off the tail of one of the pigs. They do, but the next days another fight breaks out and the untailed pig bites off the other pigs tail. So the farmers come to this conclusion: I'LL TAKE THE WHITE ONE YOU CAN HAVE THE BLACK ONE."
PRESENTS A man brings home a gift for his wife on their Anniversary and puts it on the sofa. "What is it?", asks the wife. "It's your present, open it", replies the husband. The wife opens the box and finds a SKUNK. "It's a skunk. What the heck am I gonna do with a Skunk?" "You wanted a fur coat," replied the husband, "Grow your own. We'll keep it in the bedroom with us" "But what about the SMELL?" asks the wife. "LET HIM GET USED TO IT LIKE I DID", said the husband
EMBARRASSING FIRST DATE This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays... This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently, despite their "intimate encounter," the two did not see one another again. As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing... A whole new definition of being "pissed off"
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