One Liners And Short Jokes

 

MALE DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES - Just in case we don't understand one another. 

1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety" 

2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". 

3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?" 

4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response. 

5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works". 

6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac". 

7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra". 

8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner". 

9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?" 

10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women". 

11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless". 

12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our anniversary." 

13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe". 

14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt". 

15."Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" -
Means.. "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon". 

16."I can't find it" -
Means.. "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless". 

17."What did I do this time?" -
Means.. "What did you catch me at?" 

18."I heard you" -
Means.. "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." 

19."You know I could never love anyone else" -
Means.. "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse". 

20."You look terrific" -
Means.. "Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!" 

21."I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" -
Means.. "No one will ever see us alive again". 

22."We share the housework" -
Means.. "I make the messes, she cleans them up". 




STUPID QUESTIONS - the complete list

A stitch in time saves nine what?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Are female moths called myths?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do boxer shorts box?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Do clowns wear really big socks?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Do fish get thirsty?

Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do mass murderers kill only in church?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do steam rollers really roll steam?

Do television evangelists do more than lay people?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do witches run spell checkers?



IMPONDERABLES

1.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 

2.. A day without sunshine is like, night. 

3.. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

4.. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 

5.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 

6.. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 

7.. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 

8.. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 

9.. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 

10.. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 

11.. Remember half the people you know are below average. 

12.. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 

13.. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. 

14.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

15.. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

16.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 

17.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 

18.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 

19.. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 

20.. I intend to live forever -- so far so good. 

21.. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back. 

22.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 

23.. Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states. 

24.. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. 

25.. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 

26.. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have. 

27.. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. 

28.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 

29.. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 

30.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 



Signs Of A Drinking Problem
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 

2.You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 

3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 

4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 

5. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 

6. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not 

7. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! 

8. You've fallen and you can't get up. 

9. Beer Tender! Get me another Bar! 

10. When you can focus better with one eye closed. 

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. 

12. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 

13. You fall off the floor... 

14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 

15. The glass keeps missing your mouth! 

16. Bill Clinton starts to make sense. 

17. Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!] 

18. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." 

19. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering. 

21. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... 

22. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women]. 

23. Every night you're beginning to find your room-mate's cat more and more attractive. 

24. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol. 

25. Roseanne looks good. 

26. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. 

27. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. 

28.You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store. 

29. I'm as jober as a sudge. 

30. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki. 




FUNNY QUOTES

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes...why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
26. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
27. How is it possible to have a civil war?
28. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
29. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
30. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
31. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
32. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
33. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "as steroids"?
34. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
35. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
36. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
37. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that crap



30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.