A man went into the proctologist's office for his 
first exam.  The doctor told him to have a seat in the 
examination room and that he would be with him in just a few 
minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he 
noticed there were 3 items on a stand next o the doctor's desk. 
    1. A tube of K-Y jelly 
    2. A rubber glove 
    3. A beer 
When the doctor finally came in, the man said 
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" 
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........ "Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT!" 

.A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar,
which is as clean and empty as on-the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: 
First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, nothing. Then her left, but nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" 
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

And what were YOU thinking?

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total
peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation,he's finishing dinner when 
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. 
"Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought 
you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks.
Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." 
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." 
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." 
Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." 
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." 
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! 
I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear? Enoch stops in the door again and says, 
"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.

One day Pinnochio came to Gepeto with a problem. He said, "Thanks a lot Gepeto for making me 
and everything, but I need advice. Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters, 
how can I stop this?" "Well" said Gepeto, "Have you tried sandpaper?" "That's a good idea, and so 
Pinnochio left." A couple of weeks later Gepeto questioned Pinnochio, "How is the problem going 
with your girlfriend?" "Girlfriend?" ,said Pinnochio, "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

One day a woman was having an affair with a man when her husband came home from work. 
She knew she had to hide the man but did not have enough time, so she told him to stand in the 
corner of the room and wait. She returned with flour and put it all over his body, when the husband 
walked in he saw the man and asked where the statue came from. The wife replied,"The Davis's 
had a statue in their house why can't we?" Later that night the man woke up and went and got 
some food, he came back to the bedroom and said to the statue, "Here take this, I stood in the Davis's 
bedroom for three days and didn't get anything."

It's the first day of school and the teacher says to the kids, "This year we will speak like grown-ups." 
So the teacher goes to the first kid and asks, "What did you do in this summer?" The kid says, "I went 
on a choo-choo train ride." Teacher says, "No, you went on a train ride." She goes to the next kid and 
asks again, The kid says, "I went on a tug-tug boat ride." The teacher says, "No, you went on a boat 
ride" The teacher goes to the last kid and asks the same thing. The kid says, " I read a book. The 
teacher says, "Really what book?" 
"Winnie the Shit!"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm 
trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." 
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in 
that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. 
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. 
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. 
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. 
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. 
That's from your grandma."

PHARMACEUTICAL NAMES

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen;
Advil is Ibuprofen; Rogaine is Monoxidil; and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have
settled on:
MYCOXAFLOPPIN