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| My Most Favorite Quote of All Time! "Oh what tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive." Sir Walter Scott DAMN FUCKING SHIT LOST IT ALL Was able to replace my quote and the links to the archives, but lost all the other shit damn it! Frustrated now, will restart Journal Come October. A little pissed right now. Fucking HELL! |
| October 2004 Archive November 2004 Archive December 2004 Archive January 2005 Archive April 2005 Archive |
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| Journal Entry 27 ~ October 6, 2005 Well what a week I've had! All in this last week, I have had a car accident, been in the ER, told that my lease was not going to be renewed due to the fact that they have sold the apartments I live in to build condos, not speaking to two of my closests friends and told that I am ungrateful. I want to take the opportunity to express my gratitude to all my friends, especially those that have taken the time to truly help me when I have needed them most of all. Without you I would not have a running vehicle to get to work, I would not have had a friend there for me after my accident in the ER, would not have a beautiful pegahorn or have anything to smile about really. Thank you for the caring support you all have given me. I do want to say something else though, actions sometimes speak louder then words. My actions sometimes do as well. I have decided from now on to keep how I feel about things to myself, and how I feel about people in my life. No more saying "I Love You" or that "I care deeply for you", it just seems to confuse and muddle the already muddy waters of friendships. I am taking a step back and rethinking my words and actions as of late. I wish I could take alot of it back, but it is simply too late for that now. So once again I sit here apologizing for my misplaced words and actions. Not for the feelings themselves, but for so readily sharing them with people who perhaps do not feel the same way. I have shared too much of myself and now must become introverted once again for a bit, until I can clear my own head and figure out where I am headed. I also must apologize to myself and forgive myself as well. I have done wrong by me as of late as well. I have allowed things to get out of hand both with how I deal with my responsibilities and my friendships. I am worth more then this and it is about time I start acting accordingly. With much appreciation and thanks, Cherry Raven Adendum ~ Well the other shoe finally dropped. I got let go at work today. So kicked out, accident, and fired all in the span of one week. Damn I am doing GREAT! |
| Journal Entry 28 ~ October 26, 2005 Here I sit at 2 AM in the morning going over my life. I have lived my life by my losses it seems. The loss of my Dad, my innocence, loss of my Mother if only through life circumstances (She yet lives and loves me dearly), the loss of a child never been born. And even now I sit here thinking about all that is lost, especially myself. When did I lose myself, where did she go? Wrapped up in self pity I guess, not seeing the forest for the trees or is it the trees for the forest lol? I guess being so buried in loss I never truly knew myself. Never truly tried to figure out what dreams I may have or even want to explore, maybe to afraid that if I dream and try to reach them I may fail or shit even worse achieve them. Then where is the loss and pain I am so used to putting myself through? I seem to live the profoundest moments of my life in fear. And because I have lost so much, push anything and everything away, because perhaps I do not feel deserving of it. I am tired of living this way. Tired of being full of angst about the simple fact in life that there is no guarantee. No guarantee that you won't lose someone else, so I push to make it happen instead of simply living in the now. I don't do this only with people, but experiences as well. I have gotten so caught up in my angst, insecurities and fear that I cannot see myself. The things in me that make me special and unique, the things that make me Raven. Like my smile, my talent as an artist, the way I giggle and clap my hands like a little girl when something or someone makes me happy or I get excited about something. The way I can make a person feel so good about themselves and feel truly loved by me and they know it is sincere. All these things I have to offer the world, yet hide myself away saying "I am a recluse". When deep down inside I want to experience the world in all its facets, love, friendship, a sunrise, a tear from my eye during a sad movie, and yes even the pain. But I want it to be real pain and not the pain I create every time I runaway or push these feelings or experiences away. You know a friend once told me that I would stop on the side of the road to follow a rainbow just to see where it starts and knowing me would giggle in the pouring rain while realising you can never find the end of the rainbow or throw my fist up to the sky screaming for the damn rainbow to stay still. The child like innonce that I hold, which I bury every single time I get hurt or feel pain. Instead of feeling the pain, sharing the pain, I bury it in my losses. Depression sets in and I wallow even more. Until it seems that I am at the end of all that I once held dear to me. Whether that be a person or a life experience or even a simple day in the sun. I forget the beauty of a simple kiss, a smile from someone who cares, a beautiful poem or painting that someone put their heart and soul into. I tell myself daily that I am not talented enough or not deserving enough. And damn it I am tired of feeling this way. So perhaps now every time I get the urge to be self deprecating I should say I deserve the things I once dreamed of doing, I deserve love in my life even if it is not defined the way I want it. Except the things I have and as they are as the gifts they are, like my Mother, friends, my best friend buddy and my talents. Every one of them should be something I praise, something I rejoice in and see the light in it all. But most of the time the cynic in me turns it's volume up so high that even with me telling myself these things, somehow I can't hear it. Even when others tell me these things. I either smile shyly and shake my head or look at them in disbelief that they see these things in me. Damn what a shame that I have so completely cut myself off from the world around me. Hiding from things I would enjoy doing. I used to fight so hard for things I wanted. Mostly men that I thought I loved, but I fought hard and often won through. Now if I can turn that stubborn streak around and find out what it is I truly want, what I need to do for myself with the same determination I believe I could conquer this small part of the world the I reside in. Whether that be in my 1 block area or how I affect the lives of the people closest to me. I guess I am at a crossroads in my life at this moment. I can always do what I have always done, and get what I have always gotten. Or I can try something new. Try doing for myself, creating for myself, being for myself and most of all learning to truly love myself for all that I am, even that stubborn part of myself that usually gets me in trouble. Well, as you can see I have been doing some serious soul searching. Not only tonight but in the past couple of weeks. Even this last weekend I created a situation where I could ultimately feel shitty about myself and the world around me. And yet some how I have forgiven myself, tried not to beat myself up to badly over it and yet still pushing away. Trying to keep every thing away. Trying to control something that is not controllable. I am trying to tell myself to let it be, let life right now simply be what it is and it is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do in my life. I feel lost, but the one thing I cannot say is that I have felt is alone and that some people are willing to stand by me even in my most emotional and stubborn times. That some won't leave even when you push. I guess not everyone abandons people when the shit hits the fan.. Well not completely alone lol. The few people I have in my life have done everything they can to help and yet still doing the pushy away thingy I am so good at it. With my Mom, Sister and friends. This is the hardest habit I have ever had to break and it seems I have been trying to break it for years. Hopefully I will finaly succeed at breaking this habit and find some contentment and happiness whatever that may be. Well wish me luck everyone, and what ever god or gods/esses you pray to send one up to them for me at least letting them know I need a little help in acceptance of myself and others. Brightest Blessings, Cherry Raven |
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