| Journal Entry 16, January 1, 2004 My Mantra for 2004 What you think of me is none of my business!! (Still applies) Wow, last year is finally gone. It was both a painful struggle and a wonderous year. Dealing with my husband leaving was not the hardest thing about last year. For me, I beieve the hardest was coming to grips with who I was, who I am and who I wanted to be. It is one of the hardest things anyone has to do is, face themselves. Looking inward is never fun, but once you can and can heal and find out who you really are, life can be exhilarating and fun. One of the first things I want to do on tnis day is to once again thank all who I met this last year and helped me to become what you see before you. Kelbel, you have been a steady and true friend for the past 10 years. So many times I could not have made it through without you. We have been through both good and bad and came out the otherside even closer then before, if that is possible LOL. This last year you helped me through my depression, you have made the tears dry up and brought forth the bubbly giggles. That are always wanting out. I hope that we giggle well into decrepitude (is that a word LOL). Don't ever stop being my crazy kelbel and watch that fire. You are much loved and appreciated and I don't tell you enough. THANK YOU!!! My Sentuous Celt without you being rebound guy, I would have never dealt with my abandonment issues or learned to enjoy myself. Although I think I built a few more concrete walls around my heart ;-) But the lessons you helped me to learn have made it possible for me to have a healthy friendship with a man without clinging and knowing I am still me. Officer My hair and our friendship. You helped to develope the wonderful outer look and with out you it would have taken me much longer to get my hair did LOL> I Miss Chatting with YOU!!! Sentimental Sentinal, you are someone who has helped me learn to trust just that much more and it warms me. You have listened to me whine and cry. Made me laugh and listened to me talk about my friends and the assholes in my life. Your friendship has meant the world to me. I hope that it will continue to grow. Soldier Boy MMMMMMMMMMM, your smile ;-) And your patience, with my lack of patience LOL. Still waiting on that letter!!! :) Norwegian Ridgeback my dragon. My Norwegian Viking. Mistress Raven thanks you! For allowing me to play!!! See you in the Summer I hope! Nekkid Armchair Guy, my sweet hard working tired southern man, who has given me much laughter and cuddling in the last couple of months. And although at times it seems strained our friendship, we always manage to come out laughing either with or at each other and ourselves. Thank you for being so gracious and wonderful. Sterling There he is, and what can I say about him other then yummy and how sad :-( Well really he helped me to dive into my sexual desires. Giving me one night of absolute freedom to be me and enjoy myself like no other time in my life. Made me feel beautiful. And wow the toys, THANK YOU!!! My friend from Cali Ithiqua. Damn love those fetishes. Knowing you has been a joy. Talking about all the Geek shit with you has made my days seem brighter! Plus the polish and Makeup!!! Don't ever change, unless of course to become more freakier AAAA OOOOOOOOOOO at the moon baby! Breakdown, yummy and fun!!!! Helping me to one day I hope satiate my sexual desire for you. MMMMM, hope we meet up soon. Undetachable 9" tongue Devil boy! My two latest friends. These two are amazing and bringing more to light about my desires then anyone I believe. They bring smiles to my face (and as korny as this sounds with each stroke of the keys on their keyboards LOL CORN I know but still true). Youngen how could you ever doubt you would not be mentioned on my site. After the little time we have talked you have shown me your true age. I used to have a Ken doll you know. YAY. And you have so made me rethink my age limit on men I would date. But still only applies to you. Can't wait for the move to happen. Ah and I think my all time favorite, Angel. Talk about exciting. Even from Iraq this man makes my whole body tingle. His imagination is endless, his fantasies never cease to amaze me. Keep amazing me Angel, mmmmm and hope that one day we can play for real. Oh Hellz Yeah!!!!! In this last year alone I have grown more then in the past 10 years in Alabama. I have become comfortable in my skin, more than any time in my life. And part of the reason is all of you who have touched my life this last year. And even if our friendships do not develope any further, then I am proud to have known you all. You are all special and unique and have managed to bring smiles and laughter, sexuality and friendship into a life that could have ended with cynicism and 100's of cats LOL. Damn allergic. Oh well you know what mean ;-) Thank you all and I hope that 2005 brings us all a wonderous and exciting year. With new experiences, new friends and new loves. Brightest of Blessings, Raven |
| Journal Entry 17, January 18, 2005 Dude, still wondering what is up. I damn sure know at this point the problem is so not me. Got taken out to see the Lippizaner Stallions and had to hear a man tell me a grown woman how to behave. Not a smart thing to do. Then he makes statements like "I just want you to be happy" Oh my god if another guy tells me that, and then refuses to listen to what makes me happy I think I will just go ahead and barf on them. Just one more guy and I mean it. Man, it does not take much to make me happy. Listen to me instead of cutting me off, give me some ass when I need it. And damn just be there for me. Pay attention to me, while I am with you. It really is not that difficult. No wonder I don't want to fall in love again. The last thing I want to do is try to explain to someone what I want over and over and over again. Which it seems is the way of things with men. Really, what is up with that!!!!!!!!!! A few of those blocks I recently moved from around that trust part of my heart just got built up again and damn if there are not more of them. I can't express how much I am not liking this dating scene at all. Perhaps a nun, well no that would not work not catholic LOL, maybe a hermit again. Yeah I think I will just lock myself away for while. Getting more and more frustrated as time goes by. Birmingham is driving me nuts, men are driving me nuts and shit I was already nutters enough. Maybe Bryce would be the perfect place for me!!!! LOL, well nah not into straight jackets LOL. Well better get ready for work. Frustrated and Tired of it!!!!!!! Raven |
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| Journal Entry 18, January 19, 2005 Well it seems the internet has once again sucked some of my friends into the black abyss. Funny how that happens. Although I miss them, it seems right some how that they go beyond my reach. Although I always thought our friendships were important to me it seems the natural order. You meet, chat, learn what needs to be learned and ooops there they go. LOL. I will miss them all, but like I said I have learned what I needed to. Now on to more pressing matters, ME! LOL, I need to work some things out for myself. One eating healthier, which is one of the hardest things for me to do. I am very lazy, hate cooking unless for someone special and HATE doing dishes. Wish I had a house boy LOL> Do dishes for me naked! LOL What a fantasy, clean my house boy!!! ROFL. Yeah well, never works out that way. And the other is more exercise. Gained some weight, not enough that I am not still fine, but if I keep at it, I will become a blimp LOL. I just need to get healthier all the way around. It is hard for me because it is like building a new habit, and the old ones are so hard to get rid of. But I have gotten angry lately that I know these things are doable, just got to do them. I am also working on my emotional state, and that is going well. I learn, get slightly hurt and move on. I am learning truly that the most important thing right now is me. And I just need to stick to that. Which is hard as I have said in earlier journals it is so much easier to allow myself to be swallowed up by some guy, and I am learning that this is not right for me. So my stuff to do is health, money and my art. Oh and I am drawing again. Ravens go figure. Will be getting another tattoo and it will be a raven. So wooohooooo Learning but still frustrated Raven |
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| Journal Entry 19, January 24, 2005 I wanted to say that there is one friend who I really wished had not gone by the way of the Black Abyss. What a sweet guy or so I thought. But like all the rest it seems says some wonderful things, but does not have the cajones to back it up. Perhaps I am wrong but either way I must move on. I am getting out a little bit more and making friends in real time so to speak. It is nice to have friends that I can see and touch you know. But damn just not the ones I am truly interested in. And all the ones I am truly interested in either up and disappear or are far to far away. I may not be on here as often as I have been. The disappointment of loosing friends is getting to me. And I need some time to get my head on straight. For those friends who are still here or read this regularly you can just email me. I will write back. I will continue to update other pages, but this journal is getting redundant. So I figure until something really exciting happens this will be my last entry for a while. Now of course I may change my mind and just start writing alot on here, but damn we will see what happens. Thank you everyone for your interest. And I will miss you for now. Be back on in a while. Missing my friends, Raven |
| Journal Entry 20, January 26, 2005 Well nothing new and exciting has happened except that I found out just how gullible and naive I really am. It is funny you think you want one thing and come to found you want something else after all. I was gullible to believe that someone young and gorgeous would want me. Not in the sense that I am not worthy of these things, but that this person was being truthful. I do want someone who will awaken in me my dark desires and satisfy my lust and passion, I do want someone to love and yet don't trust a soul. What a predicament. I feel rather stupid, but I guess we can all get caught up in stuff and loose ourselves in a dream. I am worth more (stating this once again) then these flipant young or in this case old men who like to play head games. I really hate this shit and am starting to really dislike people. All people!!! Naive and Pissed! Raven |
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| Web Journal Archive For January 2005 |
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