| April 2005 Archive |
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| Journal Entry 26 ~ April 13, 2005 Well back again to square one! Now, you know I am really starting to hate the word "FAITH". What a waste of energy having faith in things. Especially people, more often then not faith is disappointing! Also the notion of daring to dream for something. Why waste that energy. The only thing I can say to this is decide on a goal, not a dream and go for it. My goals have once again changed. See to me I have little faith in people. They have proven, people at large that, faith does not really exist. How sad is that!!! It is hard for me to have faith in anyone. People I have learned rarely do what they say they are going to do. And the worst part is the waiting to see if they will or won't do as they say. That really get's on my last nerve. Boy I am rather bitter today. People rarely live up to your faith in them so why have any at all. And how sad is it when a priestess does not have faith. Fortunately for me faith is not a big part of my religious views. I see the earth and trees, I breath the air, the sun keeps me warm and water is every where. So I see what I believe in. Life is every where. That is at least fact. Now onto men. Why bother anymore. You know you keep trying to find one that is right for you only to be let down or disappointed. Promises are bullshit, you know when you make plans with someone and can't keep them FUCKING CALL! Really simple thing to do and yet so many men would rather not face the disappointment women feel when they are unable to make the plans they have made. The desire to avoid confrontation or hurting a woman is all to strong in men. When really they simply need to understand the longer you wait to deal with something the worse it gets and the more women dislike you. Take my latest experience, a guy goes to great lengths to get me to trust him to the point that I am willing to do anything even runaway with him. Never having met him, that takes faith (damn that word again), he says he wants to prove my faith is worthy of him and then does not call me to let me know that we will not be meeting at the time we agreed upon. This makes me think several things. First he has lied to me about who he is and the pictures he has sent (this has happened before to me), or he is simply only into internet flirting and meeting was never going to happen for what ever reason. Playing with my emotions gets you one thing only and that is my scorn. And going to the lengths that this man did, shit he is the only man I ever contimplated cursing for playing with my emotions and my heart. But I am better then that. Karma is a bitch especially when you fuck with a witch. Now in his defense he has one opportunity to prove to me that I am wrong about him. The only choice he now has is to do whatever it takes to prove to me that he is what he has said he is. Nothing short of that will change my mind now. I am not sure there is anything he can do at this point really. He should have called that is all I can say. I am not one to forgive easily. So here is to you, my friend for I am sure you will read this! If you cannot be upfront with me, if you cannot call when you miss a date or plans that have been made, or if you have lied to me well all I can say if FUCK OFF!! Ms. Cynical is BACK!!! Raven |
| Journal Entry 25 ~ April 6, 2005 I have found a new love, as I have stated in my only March entry. He is everything I have desired in a man for so long. Dedicated, loving, sensative, willing to please me in all facets of our relationship, someone I can give my whole heart to and not worry about it being crushed. He is my sun as I am his moon. Now if only distance did not keep us apart. He writes me poetry all the time. Sends me e cards all the time. One thing I will never forget, he was off to a foreign country, he stayed up one night to set it up so that for the first couple of weeks he was gone that I would get an e card everyday. Man how sweet is that!! Besides the obvious stuff that makes my heart beat just a little faster, he has given me insight into myself. He has helped through his wisdom, advice and love, for me to see things differently. All my friends including him tell me that I have made these positive changes in my life and this is true, but if it were not for my friends and the love of this man Americanmoghul I would still be stuck some where between desperation and death. So to my friends all of you I thank you with all my heart. For you all have given me so much. To Americanmoghul you have given me so much love and wonders. Although for him right now life is the hardest I think it has ever been for him. I am trying to be there for him, but I don't know exactly what to say or do. He knows I am here and when he has need he will find me. I love you so much my sweet bard!!! Raven |
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