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| Journal Entry 8, December 1, 2004 Well feeling a bit emotional today. A little tired, confused (but lately when do I not feel confused) and downright sad. I'm pretty sure part of it is it is my moontime, but the confusion seems to stay with me on a daily basis. I keep teetering between the things I want out of life as I know everyone does. And I am not trying to belittle anyone elses issues or problems, just well this is Raven's Web Journal. Like I said on the about me introduction it does seem somewhat self-centered but hey, here I am anyway. It seems that I want the comfort of a relationship without the commitment aspect. I want my freedom to see and date anyone I want, but at the same time I miss falling asleep in someone's arms. I am also wondering if my standards for a lover are too high LOL. No I don't think so. What is wrong with wanting it all! If I can't find that in one man, then perhaps in many. It seems all I talk about are men. But there is much more to me than that. I am drawing and painting again, and in a couple of weeks hoping to add my latest painting to my art page. I am also doing a rendition of a Coop Girl painting. I am trying to decide whether I should send it to a friend of mine who introduced me to this type of art, but don't know if I should? Oh well we will see. Not sure about copyright issues with a reproduction of a sketch of Chris Coop's, but I will contact their people and find out if I can post it on my website. For those of you who do not know what or who Chris Coop is, which I recently found out myself here is a link to his website www.coopstuff.com. Check it out, I like the art partly because of the sexual aspect, but also the simple fact that the women are like me and not stick figures LOL. Well also writing lots of poetry these days and trying to get all this crap in my head out. I so want to move to Atlanta now. I am so tired of Bubbaville, but still working hard to make it happen and it will. The Universe Has Great Things In Store For Me, or at least I keep telling myself that. Also sad, because Soldier Boy is off on convoy again in Iraq and I did not get a chance to wish him well and be safe before I found out we off again. May The Morrigan Bless Him and Keep him safe as well I ask that St. Barbara watch out for him and protect him. * Signed Raven, Dazed and Confused * Saint Barbara is the Patron Saint of Gunners (did not even know they had a Patron Saint until recently) LOL |
| Journal Entry 9, December 2, 2004 Well feeling a little better today. I seem to have made someones year with my funny ability. YAY. Wow, confusion abounds in this poor little head of mine my that keeps spinning. I think I just need to lock myself in my apartment for a while, and rest. Not worry about other people and just simply take care of myself. Do my art, poetry and take lots of hot bubble baths. I must say though I am also starting to do alot more ritual work and practicing the invoking and banishing pentacle rituals. It seems since I started doing this my dreams have been far more vivid and alive, although the people I am dreaming about, can't figure that one out. Although last night I dreamt I was at an unemployment place, I heard a clerk call out Witches and Witchcraft. So I go to her cause well I am a witch and she says no no not for civilians, but for Fort something and Fort something other. Some military crap, not understanding. Then the mountain near this building explodes and water comes rushing out. Everyone panics and all I hear is get to high ground. So I run to high ground. Did not flood to badly and through the forest trees I see what looks like a Russian Wolf Hound yet is not eating carion. MMMMM This was a strange ass dream. Can anyone at all help to interept. Perhaps the rushing water is a sign that my emotions are erupting and are way to close to the surface. Also it is about 3 weeks away from the 1 year anniversary of when my husband left me. Which for those who don't know was on Christmas Eve. So I think that I am extremely vulnerable right now to my emotions and every thing seems to scare me just a little bit more than I care to admit, especially in regards to my dealings with men. You know the whole trust issue thing. But I think that regardless of the trust issues, I still want the men in my life to know that even without complete trust, your friendships do count a lot. Anyway, add more later if I feel the need. Getting Better Raven |
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| Journal Entry 10, December 5, 2004 Wow, so they do exist. Men who even though get busted can be honest. Well that is if you can believe what they tell you. Will we as women ever be content? Or will there always be something wrong. Well as I said I finally got a form of honesty from a friend. I guess there was just something about me that did not sit right with him. Although we will probably never meet again, which is sad, but I am so okay with that. I am truly finding my freedom and not making my life about a man. Perhaps he came into my life for that very reason, to teach me that I am me not matter who likes or dislikes me. I am not devistated that he did not like me, or even really worried about why he did not like me. I am happy being who I am and there are so many others to share my smile and wonderful sense of humor with that one less is only a good thing. I think perhaps I have maybe put too much on my plate! LOL. So many men, so little time!!! Yeah, well just kidding (kind of ;))!! I am happier now about my new found sexual freedom as well. You see when I was in High School I had lots of sex, but as I see it now for the wrong reasons. Thinking that this was the only way to get a man to like me. I still have these tendencies, but now I am feeling differently about my desires and how I act on them. I am an extremely sexual being and enjoy sex a lot. All different kinds of it and that is the reason I am enjoying myself now. It is simply becuase if a man does not like me before or after sex, it really once again does not matter, the only thing that truly matters is how I feel about myself. And as long as I am happy with who I am there will be people in my life who will, care for me and appreciate all that I am. Not just parts. "What you think of me, is none of my business." My Mantra LOL Feeling Beautiful and Confident Raven |
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| Journal Entry 11, December 6, 2004 As you can see my moods swings back and forth daily. I hope I am not alone iin this because that would just not be right. I am an aggressive person, I at least now know what I will put up with and what I won't put up with. I just do not seem to know what I want. There is perhaps a possibility of love or at least a relationship (a healthy one at that). But I want to experience more before I settle for something just out of fear. Although I really am not afraid of much these days other than perhaps getting hurt again. Keeping people at a distance so this does not happen. I mean I do know I want a child someday, but will I ever find a good enough man to want to have kids with, have I found him or have I missed him as he passed by on the street? Well, I guess it is simply back to taking one day at a time and moving step by step. Raven |
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| Journal Entry 12 ~ December 15, 2004 Well it seems my past hurts are keeping me from truly enjoying even friendships with men. I do not wish to get hurt again, but want to be loved, just like everybody else does! LOL It is coming up on the Anniversary of when my Husband left me (Christmas Eve 2003) and all the pain and hurt from him leaving is surfacing again. My friend who I am dating, I am developing feelings for and I don't want that. I told him how I was feeling, but got no answer, so I back away. He does not wish to hurt me and I understand that and he wants to make sure of how he truly feels before saying anything. And I also understand that. For once no platitudes, no I want to get to know you, and then nothing. He has been upfront and forthright with me and I respect him all the more for that. But for the sake of me I am moving back from this situation. I need to think about where I am going and what I want. Another heavy relationship is not what I at this moment. Sure in the future perhaps. Now I feel like Marty, commitment shy and afraid of getting hurt. So I leave. Or runaway. Either way, I am safe. But not taking risks will keep me in one place. I guess we will just have to see where my road leads me. Hopefully out of this phase of my life, where the fear of getting hurt no longer has any power over me. It will happen as James said, it will get better. But at least I know I have made a good friend even if nothing more comes of this whole drama. Brightest Blessings, Deer in Headlights ~ Raven |
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| Journal Entry 13 ~ December 16, 2004 Well another day full of work and tiredness. Man so very tired. I have been in pain physically for the last couple of days and not really sure what is going on. Oh well it will get better or I will go see the doctor. Anyway, I wanted to say something about a dear friend of mine in Tennessee, Sentimental Sentinal. He has had the ability to find the chinks in my armor and actually get me to fully open up to him. It is rather scary but he has been honest and sweet to me through out our friendship. I wanted to thank him for all the listening he has done. Heard me laugh and cry, whine and bitch just about everything including my drama with my menz! He is patient and thoughtful. Sentinal thank you for just being there and not expecting anything but friendship in return. You are the sweetest!!! Raven |
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| Journal Entry 14 ~ December 22, 2004 Well yesterday was a wonderful Solstice. I officiated at a handfasting for a couple of friends of mine. STEPHEN AND AMANDA MY YOUR LIFE TOGETHER BE BLESSED WITH HAPPINESS, JOY AND ABUNDANCE!! Also over the last couple of days I have been clearing out my messenger buddies. The other day something hit me, like really hard on the head. I have realized that if I am not receiving something from these so called friends of mine that I desire, then they are not worth what I have to offer at ALL. One in particular pissed me off, written so many letters, tried to keep his mind off the war problems, never asked any questions about the war, even learned some patients with the fact that I could sit there for 15 minutes and not hear from him. Never received a letter back from him. Then he ignores me when I am on line. Finally I told him bye, that I would see him around, he says that he'll be around, my comment to him was I won't be. He thinks that he truly means that much to me that I will run to him. Poor guy, he thinks far to highly of himself. Well to "HIM" I say sorry, even though I am glad that we got to know each other, you really are not that important to me and I am sooo not that desperate that I need to talk with you. If there is one thing that I have gained since we met, is that I no longer feel this overwhelming squeeze on my heart if I don't ever hear from a man again or if I choose not to contact him anymore, I no longer feel the need to OH MY GOD I will never hear from him again and then contact him anyway. Now I have become this person that damn it, oh well, SEE YA!!! And truly it's their loss. I am good friend and put much of myself into a friendship. So I will no longer waste it on people who are undeserving of it. What freedom I have now gained WOOOOOHOOOOO Oh so confident Cherry Raven |
| Journal Entry 15 ~ December 28, 2004 Wow, well first let me say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I know I am a little behind these days, but what with the holidays how does one keep up. Well I have a funny ass story to tell you all about an adventure I just had recently. Some funny shit. Okay be patient, for those who don't know me very well, a little background. I have a place where I feel closer to nature without having to drive off into the deep dark woods. There is a man made lake at a business community about 25 minutes from my house, where I take my bear (dog) and his girlfriend (Mom's dog). Well Saturday, December 20, I went out to the lake to relax, have a beer, smoke a jay and write some poetry or web journal. Something, anything to help me relax and recooperate. Well, I had fun, got some poetry out and then thought it was time to go. Well, as I was pulling out of the business community, I decided I did not want to go home just yet, so I took a right instead of a left. One turn and life changes forever. LOL Anyway, I decided to go to a quarry near the lake where I had visited on occasion. One time at night. ooooooh spooky!! Anyway, get there and let the dogs out to explore these new surroundings, and for me just to feel the cold wind against my skin. Then it hit me, I sooo had to pee (beer does that to me LOL). Now I am not one who minds peeing outside, but if there is an outhouse or port-a-potty I will use that. Now not to get graphic but going to anyway lol, but I never sit down on port-a-potty seats, I will always squat over the hole. And I also know to make sure that everything is secure in my pockets and nothing can fall out of them. So I checked everything or so I thought. I have this bad habit of putting my keys in my back pocket by the door unlocker thingy and letting the keys hang out. LOL, well pull my pants down and guess what!!?? SPLOOSH, right into the fucking shitter. MY GOD. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!! Okay blonde moment, would not let it affect my mood, laugh at situation, don't panic. Now how the fuck was I going to get my keys back with the least amount of swimming LOL. And I was so ready to go wading to get my keys back, but if it could be helped at all would SOOOOO rather not. I kept imagining those old fashioned out houses that were REALLY deep. But soon realized that this one was a new fangled port-a-potty, and was only about 2 ft deep. Wheew! Well trying to figure out the best solution for me to get my car keys back, I walked out of the port-a-potty to see if I could find anything to help. I find and old palet and ripped a board off of it to at least locate the keys in the shitter. Luckily they were straight down. So if I had to stick my hand in this blue shit then it would be really fast, but soooo did not want to. Walked out of the out house again to see if I could find something to help me fish them out. LOL, thank god I am pretty practical, I found a dead bush that had one main stem and then stems coming from it, that were curved on the bottom. I took two of the stems and and fished my keys out using them as tongs. WHEEEW, that was good, at least my hand won't be blue for the next couple of weeks, but now what do I do about all the shit all over my keys (pun intended)! Walked over to my car, placed the keys on the ground and used the stick to unlock my car. I then went to the trunk and got the only liquid I had to remove the shit with. BEER, well at least it was not a complete waste of good Danish beer, a good cause so to speak. I used the beer to wash the keys off while using the stick and gravel to swish the keys around until I felt they were completely clean. As soon as I got home I doused them with Amonnia. And guess what, the unlocker thingy still works ROFL!!!! Well, I must say I was so proud of myself. I did not allow a bad situation to ruin my good mood, I was able to laugh at myself and the situation and I refused to let it make me angry. The wonderful thing is, is that I know I can figure my way out of any bad situation if I learn to laugh at myself and think things through. Talk about a lesson in humility, but at least no one was around to watch. Hope you enjoyed the story and the moral is. Leave anything that you don't want dropped in the shitter outside the shitter just to be on the safe side. LOL Raven |
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| December 2004 Web Journal Archive Back to Web Journal |
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| "The Key to life....shit ain't that bad." Sterling, NC 2004 Funny Story is last entry, please read, you might just laugh your ass off! Or go EEEWWWWW! |