| L:
I saw the movie 'Boys Don't Cry' last night, which is
very disturbing...very good, but very disturbing... And I kind
of carried those emotions in with me to write last night...
Are you familiar with the movie?
N:
No. Disturbing in what way? If it disturbed you, then it's in
you, then it's okay, then you don't need an alibi for that,
right?
L:
It's a true story about Teena/Brandon, who had a sexual identity
problem.....She could be clasified as a lesbian, but she thought
she was a boy, and wanted to be one.....Well, she lived in Lincoln,
Nebraska, where they don't like that sort of thing.....
N:
They hang gays for sodomy. So...
L:
She was on the run from the law for impersonating a male.....when
she met a group of people, whom she really liked, and who accepted
her as a boy......she was dressed as a boy and did a great job
of becoming male....even the actress.....Well she, going by
the name of Brandon, falls in love with a girl. And you can
guess what happens when the truth comes out.
N:
I'm never a good guesser. What happened?
L:
A very disturbing ending, but with a positive, as the girl whom
Teena/Brandon fell in love with actually fell in love with her,
regardless of this sexual identity crisis
N:
Not so bad. Were you identifying with anyone there, BTW?
L:
Well, nobody in the film is someone you empathize with...the
two guys are ex-criminals...and everyone does drugs...the love
interest is an alcoholic...basically 'white trash', or 'trailer
trash'.
N:
I can identify myself with all of those. Except the element
"white". Without ever doing any of the above.
L:
Anyways, when everyone finds out about her...Teena has to write
a check to pay for a traffic fine, the check bounces, gets mailed
back to the hosue where she currently resides, one of the girls
finds out...Everyone gets upset at being 'lied' to. The two
guys are very upset, one is jealous, probably both, because
Teena/Brandon made friends so easily and had more common sense
than anyone.....
N:
"More commonsense than anyone"? Oops. No comment. Go on...
L:
The two boys rape and beat Teena...Then Teena is brought to
the sheriff after she goes to the hospital, and the sheriff
is more interested in why Teena likes to dress up as a guy and
why she likes women.....The men, fearing they will go to jail
for the rest of their life eventually kill Teena/Brandon, and
another girl who happened to be an innocent bystander......Welcome
to America.
N:
Many people actually live it. Only becomes dramatic when brought
onscreen. People who live sterile lives, "lawn dogs", won't
be able to imagine that there's another kind of life where the
source of worries isn't just what Aunt Marge said, where to
go on a vacation, why the computer crashes and how come the
2 months-old air conditioner breaks down already.
L:
The thing that I identified with was the love story...and the
complication of it...
N:
It's always complicated, they say....Though actually not. Just
my opinion, nothing's so complicated...Only the truth is too
naked and too simple. So people seek the harder way. If you're
NOT having the same problem with the heroine in that film, what's
complicating your so-called love life?
L:
I agree...so many...what's the word...not influences but...Ahah!
Stimuli..... Well, there are so many stimuli involved, and I
seem to choose someone whom I really like, but because of circumstances,
I am not allowed to be with them as much as I'd like....It seems
I always complicate my lovelife...but nothing compared to this...
I'm probably comparing myself to my friends...which is not that
great of a comparison... It was sad how close Teena got to everyone,
and then everyone, with the exception of her love interest,
turned on her, feeling they were betrayed...
N:
Now I'm confused. "Someone" or "some ones"?
L:
"Someone", then "them"...yes...I'm a confused person right now....
I'm not sure what I meant by changing from the 'singular' to
the plural'...
N:
Something Freudian? I don't read that far. :-)
L:
I'm stuck in a confusing dilemma of not knowing where I want
to take this.....
N:
A dilemma is only 2 choices (which are equally bad). Easy enough...I
don't mean to belittle your problem, but a dilemma isn't multiple
choices. Whichever you choose, the downside's equally heavy.
So it's simple, in a sense. Just pick whichever because none
is better.
L:
I'm 33 years old, and I've never had a relationship that lasted
longer than 12 months...Something's not right...
N:
That's long enough.
L:
I guess...
N:
Oops. Sorry. No, don't blame yourself if the machine doesn't
work. It took two, remember...
L:
Yes, it did. I don't think I've ever fallin' in love.
N:
It's not yummy, falling in love. You'd feel stupid and generally
imbecile and like -- me. :-)
L:
Yeah...well...I guess I'm feeling my age.
N:
Feeling YOUR AGE? Hello, Grandpa? You're here too?
L:
My dilemma is that I knew what I wanted to say, and now I don't...and
I don't know how I lost my train of thought, and why I lost
it so easily! So do I continue to confuse, or save it for a
'rainy day'...
N:
That doesn't sound like a dilemma. A dilemma is when you want
to say something but you know it's gonna produce an effect that
you don't like, BUT/OR if you don't say it then you're getting
a distressing insomnia tonight. THAT is what a dilemma all about.
Either way, it's bad. The choice is to be made based on "which
is the lesser evil?". Now YOUR problem doesn't sound like that
at all. It's just questions like "why", "when", etc., circumstances....
L:
Yeah...I was being melodramatic, I suppose...God I hate that!
N:
What's wrong with being melodramatic? Arthur would sell his
soul for that instead of being prosaic!
L:
Whatever...
N:
I'm sorry if this is off the limit, but I think you're holding
back too much. That was what I meant by "too cautious", you
know -- like afraid of what your image might be, in every other
person's eyes...It's maddening and everything then sounds sterile,
artificial, generic, mass-produced, inauthentic, impersonal,
like the variation of coke compared with the array of choices
of wine.
L:
Holding back? Explain, please.
N:
You know how many times you take back something you said, doggedly
argue for something and then for another thing that's exactly
the reverse, or suddenly "whatever"-ing it, like undoing it?
Like just now?
L:
That is an annoying habit...where was I taking something back?
N:
By "whatever"-ing the "dilemma", that's one...You retrieved
the problem again before anything.
L:
Unfortunately, I used the word 'dilemma' out of context. Or,
actually, I used it in one context, instead of another...In
other words, no I am not stuck in a decision between two girls,
or between being a boy and a girl, or between loving a girl
and a boy... Just between whether or not I want to continue
to finish my point I started about the movie, or end it right
here.
N:
Well, that's not the Middle East peace talk, right? :-)
L:
No, it is not the talks in the Middle East. :) I have this perception
of myself of never being able to find the 'right one'...and
that I am wierd because of it.
N:
Have anyone ever found "the right one"? I couldn't. Maybe many
others too.
L:
So, by your rational, most people spend the rest of their lives
with someone, not because they are 'the one person they want
to spend the rest of their lives with', but more out of convenience...to
keep from being lonely?
N:
Yup. Ugly, but that's life. Sometimes people know exactly which
are the "right" ones, but for many reasons, sometimes really
dumb reasons, they stick with the convenient ones. No risk,
that's why. THIS is what "commonsense" is about. The rest just
don't even bother to think of any "right one, out there". They
make do with whatever is near. These people are happier in a
worldly sense. They grow old gracefully with all their kids
and stuff. If you LIKE someone enough, AND you're trying to
run away from what YOU perceive as "pressures" from your people
-- your environment -- like seeing your buddies get married
one by one, hearing your mom on the phone asking "So when will
you get a nice girl like Brandon did?", you'll ask her to marry
you in no time. Convenience! I'll bet my cats on that. Once
you take everybody's "commonsense" ("Look at you! You're 33!
Now Johnny is 23 and he's already had a good home and a cute
baby!") as a burden, you're done for. Whatever might float a
bit in your brain is gonna be kicked out by this "commonsense."
L:
I don't agree... I think that patience pays off...in the end
you will find that person...most people don't have that patience...They
usually set a timetable and say, okay, it's been long enough.
I need to grow up and get married!
N:
Waiting for a million years is stretching patience beyond breaking-point.
AND you have already contradicted yourself in your last line.
So I won't bother to argue. Just this: IF you believe so much
in "patience will pay off", then what on earth makes you so
troubled by the inexistent "right one" by your side NOW? "Patience
will pay off" means "one day", "some day", or whatever else
that represents an INDEFINITE future. Now, with your head's
filled with your people's "stimulants", what kind of patience
is it that you could hold on to? You're whatever but certainly,
obviously, NOT being patient.
L:
The ugly fact is that there may be someone out there who never
finds that 'one'.
N:
It happens all the time in history.
L:
But I think most people get paranoid that it will be them, and,
therefore, make a decision that, in this country, 65% of the
time is wrong...
N:
95% of the time it's wrong. And YOU are paranoid.
L:
And it usually takes less than a few months before they realize
it...
N:
It usually takes a few minutes or whatever length of time is
needed to walk from the altar to the church's door. You're feeling
un-okay being 33 and measuring it with the conventional ruler,
aren't you?
L:
No, I'm fine with who I am now. I have no problem with that.
But the future??? I'm not so comfortable with...and I don't
know why...
N:
You're worried about not having a lousy home and a nerve-wrecking
wife and some dirty kids. Because to you "everybody" does have
those things already.
L:
Maybe because I know I will be bald or something...
N:
And so what if you will?
L:
Unfortunately, I do want the nerve-wrecking wife, and the dirty
kids...
N:
I see...
L:
By the time I'm 40...I set timetables on myself as well...
N:
See? You just took back what you said you believed in. But maybe
you'll find that "right" one before that, who knows? Or else
it's gonna be a marriage for convenience for you.....Say, you're
40 and still have this agony, what are you gonna do but seeking
the convenience, since Brandon has already had half a dozen
of kids by then?
L:
So, in the next year or two, I have to think about a new car,
buying instead of renting, working for this company indefinitely?
Sucks...
N:
Why should you do anything you don't wanna do?
L:
Until I do find that right one, there's no reason I can't have
a little fun on the side?
N:
I'm not sure what you meant -- maybe just my inadequate English.
But I want to ask you something. You're gonna live a life that's
determined by....what? Society? Friends? Family? Yeech.
L:
That's where you and I disagree. I think family and friends
are important. I've never had a problem with my family...but
I also live 2000 miles away from my family.
N:
Worrying about finding someone to marry because they want us
to? Wanting to have a woman just because "everybody" has one?
L:
I don't know if I could survive without the advice of my friends...
N:
Advice? OMG.
L:
I'm just not clever enough to figure this out on my own...
N:
It's not about clever or not. You're impatient with yourself...In
contradiction with your own previous statement that one should
have the so-called "patience".
L:
Well, maybe not clever, but whatever...I am impatient with myself...
N:
So...You're sure you're gonna do all that?
L:
No...
N:
If no, it's no. If yes, just yes and no complaint. Which one...
L:
Easy, I have to decide this minute? What about patience?
N:
Obviously you have been agonizing for longer than the last half
an hour. Maybe you've been so since your one college and two
universities. Isn't that long enough? You already have the answer
since the very first time the question popped up in your head,
Lew. That's how it works. Only we complicate it by ourselves.
By thinking about it too long.
L:
Then what was my answer again? :)
N:
"Not sure", wasn't it? Which was not an answer....
L:
Exactly...not sure.
N:
Not an answer.
L:
So what do I say to her parents when they ask me about my future?
N:
"Just see when it comes, the future." How could anybody plan
a LIFE? Everything's keep changing.
L:
I don't think that will go over too well.
N:
What do you want, actually? WITHOUT thinking about other people's
wishes, situations, etc?
L:
I just want to be happy. Do the things I enjoy doing.
N:
For hell's sake, THEN WHY DON'T YOU? |
