***

I never thought it was possible to feel so sad to come home.

Being back in Capeside always meant seeing my nephew and niece again, and staying in my old room, and catching up with my sister, and eating Bodie's cooking. It always felt like escaping all the little everyday stresses of New York.

Now it just meant torturing myself with memories of Pacey. Things that happened ten years ago - and not even major things, just silly, small, insignificant ones - suddenly come crashing back into my head with perfect clarity. And suddenly they don't feel so small or silly or insignificant anymore.

My sister sees it in my face as soon as she welcomes me with a hug. "What's wrong with you?"

My smile is quirky, and I am genuinely surprised that I am still so transparent to her even after living on my own and away from home for a decade. "Gee, thanks, Bess. You look really great, too."

Bodie chuckles, putting one arm around my shoulders while carrying Sam with the other. "She's just glad to see you again, Jo. Your sister's been restless lately. She's run out of projects to do around the B&B. I think she decided to make you her next one."

Bessie rolls her eyes. "How come the two of you always take each other's side?"

"We need to, otherwise we'd both end up getting bulldozed by you." I reply sweetly.

"I knew I should've given your room to Mr. Henderson. At least he was going to pay for it." She shoots back as she leads me to the kitchen. "Leave your bags. Bodie can take them to your room later. I made chocolate cake."

I give my brother-in-law a panicked look, causing him to laugh.

"Don't worry, Joey, you're safe. She's gotten a lot better since Thanksgiving."

Alexander runs out of one of the rooms and straight into me, wrapping his arms around my waist. "Aunt Jo!"

"Hey, Alex!" I bend down and hug him back, planting a loud, wet smack on his cheek. "Give Aunt Jo a big kiss," I grin.

He winces and rubs at the offending spot on his cheek with his hand. "Eww."

"Look who's back from the big city!"

I look up to find Jen smiling from the B&B's front door. "Hey, you!"

"How're you doing?" She whispers while we hug.

I shrug, not quite sure how to put everything in words.

"You two are acting like you don't see each other all the time," Bessie comments, rolling her eyes and smiling. "Come in here, Jen, and have some cake."

***

"I can't tell you that I know for sure what he meant, Joey. All I can think is that maybe…" Jen looks away thoughtfully, leaving her sentence hanging. I told her about running into Pacey at his apartment and what he had said when I asked if he was always going to let Dawson chase him away.

"Maybe…?" I prompt her, anxiety taking over.

"Maybe he just doesn't want to be hurt anymore."

I frown at the creek and pull my legs up onto my wicker deck chair. The thought of Pacey being afraid to get hurt by me made my heart twist tightly in my chest. "Then it is still about Dawson."

Jen follows my gaze, chuckling. "I don't think so, Jo."

"Why not?" I glance at her.

"Because Dawson isn't the one he held his heart out to ten years ago. Dawson isn't the one he helped and supported as the friend who was always there even when the person he was there for only had eyes for someone else. Dawson isn't the one he asked to ask him to stay instead of sailing to the Keys…"

"Okay. I get the point." She's making perfect sense, and I'm feeling worse by the second. The two of us are silent as I replay the last few days in my head, still hurt by the things he said to me. "But I went to him this time…" I trail off, knowing that she'd know what I mean. This time, I pushed the fear aside and held my heart out to him.

She doesn't say anything back, but my mind fills in the words. Maybe this time it was too late.

I shake my head and turn to her with a bright smile on my face. "Where's John?"

Jen laughs softly. "Gardening with Grams. I think she likes him. Which means I'm in trouble."

I laugh too, in spite of myself. "Have you seen anyone else since you arrived?"

"I saw Jack," she replies after a few minutes. "And Barbara Johns, and Chris Wolfe." She gives in to the urge to grin, letting the corners of her mouth tug at her twitching lips. "God, Joey, what the hell made us want to come to this thing?"

I know exactly what she means. "I have no idea."

***

Take deep breaths. Relax. I keep telling myself this in between wondering why I wanted to come to this reunion in the first place.

The invitation had said attire was formal, but now I feel silly walking through the front doors of Capeside Yacht Club wearing a floor-length dress. I feel silly for having come at all.

And I can't help wondering - hoping - that maybe he would decide to come. Maybe I'd be able to see him again, even if we never speak to each other. I plaster a fake smile on my face while torturing myself with visions of Pacey attending the reunion with Vanessa on his arm.

"Joey Potter!"

Andie's voice hits me like a bucket of freezing water. She's standing near the entrance to the ballroom, probably having arrived just minutes before I did. She looks fantastic in a long, red spaghetti-strapped dress, her blond hair much longer than it was in high school. Living in Italy looks like it's been good for her.

"Andie," I reply softly, returning her hug. "How've you been?" I feel strangely detached, wondering if she knows about Pacey and me.

"Wonderful!" She answers enthusiastically. "It's so great to be back and see everyone again. I've missed Capeside. What about you? How are you doing?"

Something in the way she asked how I was doing makes me look at her in alarm. "Great," I say nonchalantly, injecting the one word with as much feeling as I could muster. "I'm great." I smile at her before turning to Barbara Johns, who was predictably in charge of reception and was handing out nametags.

"Hello, Joey. So nice to see you again." She says sweetly, handing me a small white rectangle with 'Joey Potter' printed on it.

"Likewise." I reply shortly, taking the tag and pinning it to my dress. "At least our nametags don't have the words 'Hi, my name is…' on them," I say smilingly to Andie, who's wearing a tag of her own.

She laughs as we walk into the reunion. A stage had been set up at the center of the room, big yellow letters outlined in blue proclaiming "Welcome back, Capeside High School Batch 2001" on the backdrop. Numerous round tables with crisp white linen tablecloths and floral centerpieces were spread out around the stage.

"Joey! Andie! Over here," Jen's voice calls above the sounds of people shrieking with glee and laughing. She's commandeered one of the tables a little off to the side of the room, some distance from the stage, and was sitting between John and Jack.

"Jack!" I smile widely as he stands up to give me a hug. "How's Mr. Hotshot Computer Genius from Silicon Valley?"

He laughs. "Not too bad. It's great to see you again, Joey."

It's weird to be sitting at a table with people you used to hang out with everyday and find that you can't talk about what you really want to talk about with them. Conversations float around me as Jen, Jack, and Andie catch up with one another, getting nothing more than brief, distracted answers from me while my gaze involuntarily stays riveted on the entrance to the ballroom, breath catching every time a tall, dark-headed man comes in.

"Joey? Are you okay?" Andie, who's seated to my left, studies me with concern etched in her face. Some sort of program has started, with Kenny Reiling, Senior Class President of Batch 2001, acting as host.

"Yes," I reply automatically, straightening in my seat and smiling at her. "I'm fine. Why?"

She smiles softly. "I've said your name five times in the last two minutes. Wherever you were, it must have been pretty absorbing."

"Sorry."

"It's okay," Andie waves her hand dismissively.

I watch her for a while before bringing up the one thing that's been foremost in my mind so far this evening. "Andie…" She turns to me and waits patiently. "I know we haven't really kept in touch since high school - I mean, we haven't kept in touch at all!" I stop, trying to find a way to continue and drawing a complete blank. Why on earth had I begun that way? "Oh, god," I bury my face in my hands, knowing that I'm totally messing this up.

She touches my arm lightly. "Joey, what is it?"

"Is he coming tonight?"

The look in her eyes tells me right away that she knows who I'm talking about. "I honestly don't know, Joey," she answers sincerely. "He never said anything."

"Did he… tell you what happened?"

"He told me about seeing you at his firm's party. He was so shocked that the brilliant interior designer his friend had been talking about turned out to be you." Andie smiles softly as I try to keep my heart from leaping with joy, grasping at anything that could possibly mean that he might really have cared while at the same time thirsting for any other thing about him that she could tell me.

"I was shocked, too. I had no idea that he changed his name."

She hesitates. "Joey, I promised him -"

"I know." I nod reassuringly.

"He's changed a lot, you know," she says after a pause. "What happened in high school… it really scarred him. After that, he hated being dependent on anyone else for anything and was always too proud to ask for help. Not that he needed much of it. He just about worked himself to the bone all through college and law school, basically cutting himself off from everyone - except maybe for Doug and Gretchen. I had to threaten to come back here from Italy and hunt him down just so he'd keep replying to my e-mails."

I want to cry, remembering how he'd looked so alone at graduation, and picturing how determined he must have been to be completely independent after high school.

"It's hard for him to trust people now, Joey," she tells me gently. "Especially women. I don't think he's dated anyone for more than a few months since college."

The lights in the ballroom dim for a slide show, effectively ending our conversation. Andie's words feel like weights being anchored to my already-heavy heart. Unable to remain sitting there pretending to pay attention, I excuse myself from the table and head towards the exit.

I think I've had enough. I don't care if the reunion isn't over yet, I need to get out of here. But at the lobby of the Yacht Club, feeling miserable and defeated, I run into Dawson, looking tanner and older in his dark suit and smiling at me in surprise.

"Joey! Are you leaving? Is it over? We're so late. The train from New York got delayed."

"Dawson," my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes. "Everyone's still in there. I just needed to leave early because I'm not feeling too well. I'm sorry I never got the chance to call you back when you were in New York."

He shakes his head. "It's perfectly fine. I'm still going to tell you what I've been wanting to for so long," he says. He turns to the woman standing beside him and pulls her closer to his side. "Joey Potter, this is Alyssa Burns, my fiancée."

My jaw drops in shock. "Oh, Dawson, that's great! Congratulations. I'm so happy for the two of you," I say to her, and to my surprise, I find that I mean it with all my heart. I hug them both.

"Dawson's told me so much about you," she says.

"I wanted to tell you first, Jo. To make up for not telling you about it the minute I met Lyss." He smiles and looks at his fiancée. "Joey's still sort of my best friend, even though she dumped me soon after starting college."

I laugh with them briefly before begging off for the night, all of us promising to set something up after the reunion. I stand watching as the two of them walk away. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly how I feel at this moment, knowing that my two best childhood friends had somehow moved on, while I was still the same.

Alone.