RadioShack rescues struggling Bucs and keeps Lions winless

Despite their winless record heading into Sunday's game, the Detroit Lions came out fired up against the visiting Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They wanted their first victory in 11 games, and they knew they could take advantage of the Bucs' depleted solar energy under the dome of Detroit's Ford Field. After all, the talented Bucs are hooked on Florida weather and rely on sunshine to energize themselves.

The hapless Lions jumped to a 17-0 lead in the first quarter to prove that the dome was their special advantage in this game. While the whole world was shocked to see Detroit with a commanding lead, Tampa Bay knew exactly what was happening.

"Our strength was in a nosedive without the sun, and we desperately needed energy," said Bucs head coach Jon Gruden. "If we weren't going to get it the solar way, it was time to explore other resources immediately."

Gruden dispatched the team's head athletic trainer, Todd Toriscelli, to track down a powerful portable energy source for each player. "While I know that steroids violate NFL guidelines, I couldn't find anything in the rule book that outlaws wearing an electrical power supply during the game," Gruden said. "It was worth a shot."

Toriscelli darted from the stadium late in the first quarter, and quickly came across a RadioShack in downtown Detroit. "It's been forever since I've been in one of those stores," he said. "I thought they went out of business years ago."

After Toriscelli explained the problem about the Bucs' lack of energy, the RadioShack sales associate recommended individual power packs containing Energizer Ultimate Lithium batteries. While the batteries weren't designed to power a human being, they have been proven to be the world's longest lasting batteries in today's high-tech, power-hungry devices like digital cameras, photo flash units and handheld GPS devices. The batteries also feature leak-resistant construction, meaning they could take a solid hit without endangering the players. Toriscelli whipped out the team MasterCard.

"I was sold," he said. "Energizer makes a great product, and I needed to get back before coach Gruden kicked my butt. He's pretty intense about winning."

For full effectiveness, the battery packs needed to be connected directly to the body's circulatory system, which consists of the vessels and muscles that channel blood throughout the body. The main parts of the circulatory system are the heart, arteries, capillaries and veins. The heart was the obvious choice, and the packs were plugged in, albeit somewhat dangerously. But the results were immediate.

"The Buccaneers started running around like jackrabbits out there, and we were steamrolled in a hurry," said Detroit head coach Rod Marinelli. "I didn't know what was going on. Our heads were spinning."

Tampa Bay scored five straight touchdowns en route to an easy 38-20 win. It marked the biggest comeback victory in regulation in franchise history.

In the Sunday Football Picks, Trevor loved that result from Detroit as it helped him achieve a week-best 10-4 record — his second consecutive output of double-digit wins. He boasts a 21-6 record in those two weeks, closing to within seven games of the top spot held by Mark and Nicole.

The ingenious actions of the Bucs to overcome their solar energy debacle have been recognized nationally. On Tuesday, the winning scheme was endorsed by President-elect Barack Obama.