Growing up is hard. We all want to feel loved and accepted. We watch movies and imitate those behaviors. We see other people in love with each other and our young hearts want that, too. Well, we have to wait! That's all there is to it. I claimed to be in love with with him. I was never in love, I've never felt that kind of love before. I thought I did, but I was wrong. I'm in love with Jesus Christ because of everything that He's done for me. It would be selfish not to love our Lord. I told my boyfriend every day that I loved him. It's not that I didn't love him, it's that I didn't know how. I tell everyone the phrase "I love you." nowadays. As God's princess, I've developed a love for all people no matter who they are or what they've done because Jesus commanded us to do so. I love God's people almost as much as I love our Creator Himself. There is too much hatred in our world. I love that guy just like I love everyone else in my life. In order to make things better, I must change my words, shall I not? I do think that I often give men the impression that I "love" them in the romantic sense, but that just leads them to the wrong thinking of what I meant, and they'll want so much more from me. I guess there are a thousand different kinds of love, eh?

I wasn't getting what I wanted out of our relationship, so I broke it off. I then felt sorry for him and with that people-pleasing trait of mine, I fell for the guilt-trip and asked the very handsome boy if I could be his girlfriend again. Of course, he agreed. This time was different, however, because I knew we had something in common. Belief in God. I had no idea the first time. I was confused and asked God to fill me in a bit. The answer was crystal clear. If you don't see it in his actions, then he's lying to you. Guys will do that. They lie to get what they want. Sorry girls, it's sad but true. If you meet a guy and he's not everything you need in a man, then break up with him. Don't get back together because he says he's a Christian. If he doesn't have genuine traits then don't even think about dating a bad influence. You'll just get yourself in trouble, and you'll get hurt. I think that was my first mistake. Never take a guy back. They won't change for you, that's a personal thing. Also, don't ever feel like you need to be with a guy to change him. He'll do that on his own, or he won't do it at all. Don't be a fool and believe his act that deceives many.

My intentions before moving there were to stay away from relationships unless he loved God as much as I do. It took a few days to kick in, but when I started writing in my journal again about how happy I was, I looked back a few entries and saw my own writing over and over again. "I WILL NOT be in a relationship with anyone!" It was just going to be God and me for the next few years of high school that I had left. I made this promise hoping to stay pure and preventing myself from getting heartbroken. I thought that my dreams were a sign and I thought that I had my whole life under control. He kept secrets from me and never opened up to me in the beginning. I thought that it would be okay to be with him since he claimed to be a Christian. In reality, he was dragging me away from my faith. I didn't even notice because I was so "in love" with him. Be wise girls, not naive.

I didn't enjoy being with him, I didn't know how to love him, but I just did. Lust pretended that it was love. I saw him and became so happy, the thought of him made me happy as well, but who was he? I never took the chance to find out. I didn't want to be with the stranger that I had given my heart to, but I wanted to feel something that I've never felt before. A second time, I had to break it off because God is so important to me, and I knew that God's sweet spirit was telling me to get out, because my thoughts were in the "gutter" and the temptation was getting strong. I wanted to keep my purity and I knew that I was risking everything. The guilt was unbearable and that's why I never went along with the touching and the kissing. My parents didn't like him because he was never around. They thought that he had something to hide, and they often checked to see if I was high when I came home from seeing him. They told me to break up with him and I disobeyed them for a long time. Eventually, I did it and they were pleased, but I was sad. I don't know why I was sad, or why I cried so much, but I did. Then I realized that I did the right thing and the pain was only temporary. Then summer came. I worked, went to church and hung out with friends. He was never there, and I wanted him to be. I thought that I just never gave him a real chance. Maybe he was just busy and overwhelmed because of school?

After much prayer I told him how I felt again and he took me back. Big mistake. I should have kicked him to the curb and lost his number when I had the chance. I was such a fool in making this decision. My parents had already told me to stay far away from him. I didn't listen. I became more and more rebellious. I made him change plans to come see me. I was getting on his case about every little thing. We fought all the time. I took everything he said seriously, and when he really was being serious, I thought that he was joking. I never knew when he was mad at me, or when he was just being sarcastic. I didn't even know myself anymore. Then I just decided to do something for God, because my selfish desires were making my life miserable. I gave him choices. I said that he had to choose either me or weed because he couldn't have both anymore. I tried making that clear, but obviously it wasn't crystal because BOOM! caught him cheatin`. He had plans that very weekend to be with his friends. I decided that it wasn't worth arguing about. If he was going to prove that he's the man for me, he would resist without hesitations. I later found out that he did get stoned. Yeah, smoking weed when your girlfriend wants you to stop is basically cheating on her. I broke it off for a third time, and cried some more.

It wasn't the only time I was lied to. I have a letter saying that he quit pot for me. It made me feel like I meant nothing to him when I found out that he did it often but kept it secret for so long. We were angry and upset for a few weeks but became friends again. I was really comfortable around him, more than I had ever been, and I was getting second thoughts again. He did change a lot for me, but I told myself over and over again that he didn't change at all. He always apologised but never told me how he felt. Text messages were our words of mercy. Nothing ever got said in person. Since I knew that I still wanted him, but not be hurt by him, I choose not to date anymore. I wanted to be friends. He wrote me poems about wanting to hold my hand and stating that he couldn't live without me.

Unless of course it's God's will for me to date, I know I need to wait. If God put the right guy in my life that I was supposed to date, tomorrow, I'd do it. I missed him. I still do miss him. What is there to miss? Okay. I've just discussed how I was too guilty to let love happen, I was too obsessed with the idea of being with him, and not actually him, whom I never really knew. I didn't get to know him like I wanted to from the beginning. That's not me. That's who I was. How many times have I hated who I was? Don't answer that. In conclusion, I pray that he will forgive me for hurting him. I also pray that I will date the right, Christian people that will encourage me and we can walk with God together.

We've started over many times before, and each time I was a little different. I'm 16 years old, I'm growing up into the woman that I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Thank you for reading.

07-10-2008 Thur -Dear God, I know I need to focus and be more alert. It was overwhelming, but I learned. There are always positives to my own negatives, and the negatives of others. Find what I love, and dwell upon it. The summer has got me beat with the heat and slight boredom, but it's not so bad after all. Spend more time with God and gain wisdom and understanding. I'll have the right guy placed convieniently in my life. Things will improve, just pray like I'm about to die.

07-16-2008 Winnemucca ! Month Anniversary -Dear God, Hooray! I've lived here for a whole thirty days and it's truly been a blessing. Where are my dreams of you? The ones where I would preach the good news, die, and go to Heaven? I don't need romantic love. This one year commitment to stay away is incredible. You're guarding my heart, because obviously I don't do a good job of it. Youth group last night made me cry. We washed our hands in a bowl of cranberry juice symbolizing Jesus' blood. You're my best friend, and you're mine for life.

07-17-2008 Thur -Dear God, I played Halo with the guys again. It was awesome because we went LIVE this time. Work went alright. I'm getting better at my job although my boss keeps making fun of me. He's doesn't have priviliges to fire me or put me on probation, but I would still consider him a higher rank than I. My BFF is in China, and I've been thinking about her often. I miss her immensly. I pray for healing in their bodies, Lord. I pray for all of my friends and family. Goodnight.

07-19-2008 Sat -Dear God, I want to be more like you. Please take away my guilt and shame. I've messed up a lot this month, and I need your peace now. Those who I have hurt, please give them guidance. Be with them, and hopefully someday they will forgive me. It's easy to forgive, I don't hold grudges. When I hurt someone else, the damage stays, because I don't want to be remembered like that evil person that has wronged them. Lord, I need you now. Heal me and make me a new creation. Let me forget the things of the past and stay away from those things in the future. In Your holy name, amen.

07-23-2008 Wed -Dear God, I went to a sleepover last night and I've decided that I will no longer drink energy drinks, Mountain Dew (in large quantities) and any other form of caffeine. I made a fool of myself dancing around in my underwear in Laura's room. I told my friends that I hated them from time to time, saying the first thing that came to my mind knowing that it would be "funny." I also said that I hated certain aspects of the evening. Laura's dad even pointed out that hate was a strong word. Guide me Lord, and help me watch the words of my mouth. I want them to be pleasing in your sight. Above all, I want to stay away from temptations that would numb my heart and mind. We watched a terrible show all night and day. I don't want to become immune to such things and the next time I have a slumber party with my best friends, I will ask what activities we will be involved in before attending the party. You can still have fun while being safe. I know this.

07-27-2008 Sun -Dear God, We just got back from Reno for the weekend and didn't attend church this morning. I read Psalm 119 again. I Thank You for Your promises, Lord. I had an amazing time.

07-31-2008 Thur -Dear God, I'm done with all of the teenage drama stuff that is totally controllable. We love to feel accepted and I know that I'm accepted by You and that's all that matters. Work is going wonderful. Here's a verse: "You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth." --Deuteronomy 8:17-18a. Can you say amen to that? I got completely blessed today with receiving around $300 from You. I'm loving it! Today was a really great day. I eliminated most of my college pamplets like the outregeously expensive ones. You're probably laughing at my plans and that's okay! I'd love to really hear Your laugh, I bet that's where earthquakes come from. I want You to guide me all the days of my life because doing Your will is the one thing in this world that I could always genuinely enjoy doing. That's right, You rock my world and I love You more than gold or silver, only You can satisfy. Thank You for absolutely everything good in life and even the bad things that draw us to you. Thank you for boys, who will someday grow up into men. Thank You for this beautiful life, and the glorious life yet to come. Thank You for You!

08-01-2008 Fri -Dear God, Thank you for this day and for all of the opprotunities to grow closer to You through prayer and worship. I pray that my co-workers, peers, and others in my life will know who You are. Make me a shining light for You! Life is freaking good.

08-04-2008 Mon -Dear God, Lately, I've been thinking of creative ways to tell others about Jesus. One would be to put URLOVED or HELOVSU on my liscence plate when I get a car. I'll also have encouraging messages and Bible verses on my windows to be a moving automoblie advertizement. I've been inviting a lot of my friends to Youth Group but I should be doing more. As a Campus Missionary, I made the commitment to live. I live an average Christian life. I made the commitment to give. I sucessfully give some of my income to the church or others. If it's not for college, it's for someone else. The commitment to serve. I've served a little bit. The commitment to pray. I'm always praying, it's instinct. Last, the commitment to tell. I need to do less holding back, and more telling others of Christ's works. In all things I do, may I be more like You. Forever and ever. Amen.

10-08-2008 Wed -Dear God, Today is mom's birthday! It's been one of the best days all week. I think it's because it's my day off. I love You and Your word so much. Please take that thing out of my heart that's been holding me back. I don't know what it is, but sometimes I feel like I'm not okay. I feel lost and lonely, which is ridiculous because I have You! I've stayed away from things that would cause me to sin. I don't hang out with my friends as often. The last time we spent time together was at a football game. I'm drug-free and now my environment is also. I sometimes wish I had this knowledge, this willpower, this relationship with you two years ago. It's alright that I didn't. Everything happens for a reason. Bless me and never leave me. I need You. We all need You. Forgive us of our sins. Amen.

Last update on: 02/13/2009

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