JOKES

Your New Computer Manual

Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax/2000 Multimedia 615X Personal Computer with Digital Doo-dah Enhancer. It will give years of faithful service if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a bonus pack of pre-installed software: "Lawn Mowing Planner", "Mr. Arty Farty", "Blank Screen Saver" and "East Africa Route Finder" which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up most of your spare memory.

So turn the page and let's get started!

GETTING READY

Congratulations. You have successfully turned the page and are ready to proceed.

Important Meaningless Note: The Anthrax/2000 is configured to use 80386, 214j10 or higher processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installations and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of your refrigerator is ideal.

Unpack the box and examine its contents. (Warning: do not open box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.)

The contents of the box should contain some of the following: monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2 1/2 inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page "Owner's Manual"; "Short Guide To Owner's Manual"; "Quick Guide To The Short Guide To The Owner's Manual"; "The Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide For People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient Or Stupid"; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish, and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of styrofoam packing material.

SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU IN THE SHOP

Because of the additional power needs of the pre-installed bonus software, you will need to acquire Anthrax/2000 auxiliary software upgrade pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator, 2,500 mega-gigabytes of additional memory and an electrical substation.

SETTING UP

Congratulations. You are ready to set up. If you have not yet acquired a degree in electrical engineering, now is the time to do so.

Connect the monitor cable (A) to portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo-channel (G); plug three-pin mouse cable into keyboard housing unit (make extra hole if necessary). Alternatively plug all the cables into likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens.

Additional Important Meaningless Note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows according to international convention:

blue = neutral or live yellow = live or blue blue and live = neutral and green black = instant death (except where prohibited by law.)

Switch the computer on. Your hard drive will automatically download (allow three to five days). When downloading is complete, your screen will say "Yeah, what?"

Now it is time to install your software. Insert disc A (marked "Disc D" or "Disc G") into drive slot B or J and type "Hello! Anybody home?" At the DOS command prompt, enter your license verification number. Your license verification number can be found by entering your certified user number, which can be found by entering your license verification number. If you are unable to find your license verification or certified user numbers call the software support line. (Please have your license verification and certified user numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

If you have not yet committed suicide, insert Installation Diskette 1 in drive slot 2 or vice versa and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modification some instructions will appear in Romanian.) At each prompt, reconfigure the specified file path, double click on the launch button icon and type "C:/>" followed by the birthdates of all the people you have ever known.

Your screen will now say "Invalid file path. Whoa! Abort or continue?" Warning: selecting "continue" may result in irreversible file compression, loss of memory and a default overload in the hard drive. On the other hand, selecting "abort" will require you to start the whole tedious, maddening process over again. Your choice.

When the smoke has cleared insert Disc A2 (marked "Disc A1") and repeat as directed with all 187 of the other discs.

When installation is complete, return to file path and type your name, address and credit card number and press "send". This will automatically register you for our free software prize "Blank Screensaver IV: Nighttime in Deep Space" and allow us to pass your name to lots of computer magazines, on-line services and other commercial enterprises who will be getting in touch with you shortly.

Congratulations. You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start.

WRITING A LETTER

Type "Dear" and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write "yours sincerely" followed by your own name. Congratulations.

SAVING A FILE

To save your letter, select file menu. Choose Retrieve from sub-directory A, enter a backup file number and place an insertion point beside the macro dialogue button. Select secondary text box from the merge menu and double click on the supplementary cleared document window. Assign the tile cascade to the merge file and insert in a text equation box. Alternatively write the letter with a pen and put it in a drawer.

ADVICE ON USING THE SPREADSHEET FACILITY

Don't.

TROUBLESHOOTING SECTION

You will have many, many problems with your new computer. Here are some common problems
and their solutions.

Problem: My computer won't turn on.
Solution: Check your computer is plugged in; check to make sure the power button is in the ON position; check cables for damage; dig up underground cables in your garden to check for damage; drive into the country and check electricity pylons for fallen wires; call hotline.

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution: Turn the keyboard the right way up.

Problem: My mouse won't drink its water or go on it spinning wheel.
Solution: Try a high protein diet.

Problem: I keep getting a message saying "Non-System General Protection Fault".
Solution: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any annoying messages will disappear.

Problem: My computer is a piece of useless junk.
Solution: Congratulations. You are now ready to upgrade to an Anthrax/3000 Turbo model or a pen and paper.

 

NEW WORDS FOR 2003 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located."

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

Office Tips

1. You see Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

6. Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

10. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.

11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

16. You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

18. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

22. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.

25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

26. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

27. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

28. The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.

30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.

31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone elses?

32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....

33. You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!

34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

35. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

 

Letter from the management

TO: All employees
FROM: The boss
DATE: May 9, 2002
RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . . INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?

 

Top 10 tricks to liven up an office meeting

1 Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

2 Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

3 During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

4 Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

5 Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

6 Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

7 Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

8 When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

9 Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

10 Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

 

Employee Evaluation

Name: _____________________ Date: ________
Position: ___________________

===============================================
Knowledge:
[ ] The Son of a Bitch really knows his shit!
[ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous.
[ ] Only has half a brain and is dangerous.
[ ] Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a higher IQ.

Accuracy:
[ ] Does excellent work if not pre-occupied with sexual fantasies.
[ ] Pretty good; Only occasionally blows it out his ass.
[ ] Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten.
[ ] Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.

Attitude:
[ ] Extremely cooperative (kisses ass frequently).
[ ] Brown noser in poor standing.
[ ] Often pisses off co-workers. Thinks thats his job.
[ ] Doesn't give a shit. Never did, never will.

Appearance:
[ ] Extremely neat, spends a lot of time combing his hair.
[ ] Looks great at evaluation time.
[ ] Can rely on him to be the first one out the door.
[ ] Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.

Performance:
[ ] Goes like a son of a bitch...if there's money in it.
[ ] Does okay around evaluation time.
[ ] Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes.
[ ] Couldn't do less if he were in acoma.

Leadership Skills:
[ ] Carries a chain saw and gets good results.
[ ] Occasionally gets told to back off.
[ ] Mother Teresa would have told him to fuck off.
[ ] Couldnt lead a pack of hungry wolves to fresh meat.

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