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Things to Learn From the Movies
1. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
2. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
3. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override alien society.
4. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out the predecessor.
5. When you turn off the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
6. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
7. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
8. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
9. It is easy for anyone to land a plane provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
10. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.
11. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
13. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
14. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
15. If a large pane of glass is visible , someone will be thrown through it before long.
16. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noise in their most revealing underwear.
17. Even driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
18. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
19. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
20. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you meet will know all the steps.
The new-born
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.
"Spank him again."
The mental patients
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
To which Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Are You American?
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do
you break the news you are leaving?(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up
inbreds on national television.----------
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park.
What do you need to take?(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a
marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of
orthopaedic surgeons specializing in spinal injuries.----------
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a
rabbit. What do you do?(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is
still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it
died quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering,
whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.----------
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an
awkward position. What do you do?(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in
an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming
about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.----------
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny
side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs
and a diet root beer.----------
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What
sort of ceremony do you have?(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las
Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.----------
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming
disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a
youth club.
(c) Take him to an armory and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic
weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.----------
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of
comedy do you choose?(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the
audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a
super-glued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a
lightweight wisecrack.----------
9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's
dressing table. What do you do?(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue
your wife's ass.----------
10. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?
(a) Let them get on with it but offer your advice if needed
(b) Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides
(c) Ignore all parties wishes and protests and take over the talks.----------
11. There are global concerns about the emissions from cars, do you:
(a) Introduce incentives to switch to cleaner cars
(b) Invent a new cleaner fuel
(c) Continue to use and invent dirtier cars, ignoring the global
concerns about the emissions.----------
12. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:
(a) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and step in when
necessary
(b) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and bring the
culprits to justice
(c) Invade the country flattening all buildings, fire at all allied and
enemy airplanes killing people no matter which side they're on after
all, a kill is a kill.----------
13. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist attack. You should:
(a) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible
(b) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible and bring them to
justice
(c) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible, but continue to
support and fund terrorist activities abroad.----------
14. You're on holiday abroad, do you:
(a) Enjoy the local culture and food
(b) Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home
(c) Complain and whine that the country that you are visiting is nothing
like home.----------
Answers...
If you answered mostly
(a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well balanced individual.
If you answered mostly (C)'s then sorry, you are an American.
U.S. Criminal Apprehension
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Bill Gates Wisdom
Here's some advice Bill Gates dished out at a high school speech about things they did NOT learn in school. He talks about how feel good politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Humility is what we all need to be successful!
Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.