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Application to go on the Jerry Springer Show
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-JackWhat does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) PreacherSpouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________
Gay Lover's Name:___________________________Relationship with spouse: (Check all that apply)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) PetNumber of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Number you know the name of: ______Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shedModel and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
If no, please explain:Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and ShotgunNumber of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not ApplicableColour of eyes:
Right_____ left_____Colour of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) ClairolColour of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-ManHow far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) Just a whoop-and-a-holler!
(_) road?
Dating Translations:
"I've learnt a lot from you." = "Next."
"We need to talk." = "I'm pregnant."
"I want a commitment." = "I'm sick of masterbation."
"I still think about you." = "I miss the sex."
"You're so mature." = "God, I hope you're eighteen."
"I think we should see other people." = "I'm seeing other people."
"I've something to tell you." = "Get tested."
"I love what your wearing." = "I can see your nipples."
"Trust me." = "Damn! I think someone has told her."
"What are you doing Sunday?" = "I'm seeing someone else on Saturday."
Diets:
Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
*The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
*The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
*The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
*The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Doctor Darren
Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: 'Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Darren, you're a vet...."
Bumper Stickers You Will Never See (...but should)
1. Jesus loves you. . . everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
3. The proctologist called, they found your head.
4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
5. Save Your Breath. . . You'll need it to blow up your date!
6. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
7. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
8. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Hang up and drive.
10. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
11. Heart Attacks. . . God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
13. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
14. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me. "
15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
16. Guys: just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one.
17. Welcome to America. . . Now speak English
The College Theme Paper: HE VS. SHE
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time, in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
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STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
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(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie, with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator:"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedlyand carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
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(Gary)Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty theAnu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
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(rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.-----------------------------------------------------
(gary)Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
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(rebecca)Asshole.
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(gary)Bitch.
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(rebecca)Wanker.
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(gary)slut.
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(rebecca)Get f*cked.
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(gary)Eat shit.
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(rebecca)F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
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(gary)Go drink some tea - whore.
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(teacher)A+ - I really liked this one.
Advertising slogans that went wrong!
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
When Coca-Cola was attempting to translate " It's the real thing" for overseas, the German advertising company came up with an idiomatic rendition " Coca-Cola Max Rund" which literally translated means "Coca-Cola makes it round". Idiomatically, it was supposed to suggest that Coke makes it all round, whole, meaningful and that it adds fullness and life. When it was tested among teenagers, they burst out laughing because in German teen parlance at that time it meant "Coca-Cola makes you pregnant". Shows how out of touch the ad agency was.