JOKES

The Hot Air Baloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north/south latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees east/west longitude."

"You must be a scientist," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect those beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

What is marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed" - thats Direct Marketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. One of your mates approaches her, points at you and says "He's fantastic in bed" - that's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. You call her the next day and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed" - that's Telemarketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You get up, straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her handbag when she drops it, offer her a ride home, and then say "I'm fantastic in bed" - that's Public Relations.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. She walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed" - that's Brand Recognition!

 

The Hooker

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them
-- it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
face."

 

Great truths about life that children have learned

No matter how hard you try,
you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad,
don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother
to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is
cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a
cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli
in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear
under white shorts.

The best place to be when
you're sad is Nana's lap.

Top 45 Oxymoron’s

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

 

Basic math

The Basic Maths of Life Proves that Attitude is the Secret.

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes life 100%?

Here's a little maths that might prove helpful...

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


Then

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

and

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%


But

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and

B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%


So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,

attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

 

I'm LOST

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

The boy in the closet

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her nine-year-old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
"I have a baseball," says the boy.
The man replies, "That's nice."
"Want to buy it?" asks the kid.
The man says, "No, thanks."
The boy says, "My dad's outside."
The man finally says, "OK, how much?"
The boy thinks and says, "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mother's lover are in the closet together.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
"Yes, it is," says the man.
The boy now says, "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks, "How much?"
The boy says, "$750."
The man agrees.
A few days later, the kid's dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's far more than they cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again.

The optician

A man goes in to see an optician.
The optician says,
"You'll have to stop masturbating."
The man says,
"Why? Am I going blind?"
The optician says,
"No, you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room..."