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EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.DAY 761 -T oday my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair... must try this on their bed
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARYDay number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
0:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Cat's motto:
No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever.
Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dog's have owners.
Cat's have staff.Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God.Dogs shed, cats shred.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep urinating into their water bowls?
Drunks
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining like hell out!"
"Well you've got a short memory," says the wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our trip and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him." The man does as he is told.
He gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" ask the husband.
"Over here on the swing," the drunk replies.
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean REALLY REALLY drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he tumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her against a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said "Not very tough tonight, are you Batman".
A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, completely drunk. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender kindly tells the guy he can't give him a drink because he is already drunk. Angry, the guy stumbles back out the front door. About five minutes later, the guy stumbles through the side door of the bar. He asks the bartender for a drink and once again the bartender says, "No, you’re already drunk." The guy stumbles back through the side door. A few minutes later the guy stumbles through the bar’s back door. The guy walks up to the bar, looks at the bartender for a moment then says, "Damn, how many bars do you work at, anyway?"
...and the moral is?
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
The McDonalds Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him
because he was so honest and funny!NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
The Gorilla
Once there was this man that heard about a Gorilla that would do anything the person he was watching did. The man was skeptical so he got directions to the zoo, and decided he would try this out for himself.
He got up bright and early the next morning, and went to the zoo he found the gorillas cage, and the Gorilla stared at him for a few seconds. The man scratched his head, and the Gorilla scratched his head also, the man was shocked so he scratched his arm pit, he watched the gorilla, and the gorilla scratched his arm pit as well. Then the man scratched his nose, and all of a sudden the gorilla reached out of the cage and pulled the guy in, and gave him a very bad beating.
The next morning the man woke up in the hospital, a doctor was watching him. The man asked what had happened and the good doctor said, "A Gorilla got a hold of you, and gave you a serious beating, what did you do to make it that mad?"
So the man told him the story and the Doctor said "Well did you not know that scratching your nose means kiss my ass in gorilla?" And then man said "No".
Later on that day he was released from the hospital, and he went back to the zoo but he brought a piece of salami, and two knives with him. He went back to the gorilla, and he scratched his head, he watched and the gorilla scratched his head, he scratched his arm pit and the gorilla did the same thing, then the man handed the gorilla a knife and held the salami in front of his crotch, and sliced a few pieces off, and watched the gorilla.
The Gorilla looked at the man and the salami then he looked at his knife, and looked down, he then looked at the man and scratched his nose.
Revenge
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.