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Actual extracts from Queen Mother book of condolence
"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face". L. Ward,Mansfield.
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"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
A. Christie, Hendon.--------------------------------------------------------
"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are @#%$"
J. Clement. Grantham.--------------------------------------------------------
"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D. Holmes, Somerset.-------------------------------------------------------
"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'.
That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though,it was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.--------------------------------------------------------
"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".
L. J. Worthington, Penrith.--------------------------------------------------------
"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off". S. Wilson, Bristol.
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"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.--------------------------------------------------------
"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.--------------------------------------------------------
"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T. Watson, Ilford.--------------------------------------------------------
"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around he Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.--------------------------------------------------------
"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.--------------------------------------------------------
"It is such a loss, God has $h*t on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.--------------------------------------------------------
"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties". N. Wallace, Swansea.
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"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.--------------------------------------------------------
"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
P. McGregor, Southampton.--------------------------------------------------------
"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin". R. Thompson, Bath.
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"I have been unable to masterbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.--------------------------------------------------------
"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
R. Combes,Romford.--------------------------------------------------------
"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile.Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.--------------------------------------------------------
"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear,'you know its not true' she said, 'you don't smell of @#%$'. She was a wondrous person".
E. Collier, London.--------------------------------------------------------
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as
exciting as Diana".
G. Williams, West Midlands.--------------------------------------------------------
"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way.
God bless you ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.--------------------------------------------------------
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!" J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
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"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort" T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.
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Car Accidents
What follows are REAL excuses from drivers when asked to sum up their accident in the fewest words possible:
1. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. I collided with a stationary truck which was coming the other way.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
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7. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
Actual Letters To landlords
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
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2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand on this?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. The person next door has a large erection in his backyard which is unsightly and dangerous.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. Will you please send someone to repair our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp; we have two small children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. Could you please send someone to fix the faucet in our bathtub. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us this way.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much for me.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
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15. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
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16. I have had the works foreman down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
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17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
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18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
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19. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
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20. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
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21. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
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22. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
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Aircraft Maintenance Engineers
Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as 'squawks', recently submitted by pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve them. (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P - Left inside main trye almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.P - Test flight OK, except Autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - Seepage normal, Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
Los Angeles Drivers Licence Exam
For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to
live in California, here is a copy of the California
Driver's Exam. For those of you who do live in
California, study hard. This is a new exam. Since
driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los
Angeles, you may not have realized that the
California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued
a special application and driver's test solely for the
Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:___________________
Stage name:____________________Agent:___________________
Attorney:_______________________Therapist name:_________________
Sex: ___male ___female* ___formerly male
___formerly female ____both*If female, indicate breast implant size:_______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to
safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___Please list brand of cell phone*:_______________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ]
Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ]Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your
convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / ReloadingPlease indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while
driving _____If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should
immediately:a) Call the police to report the crime.[ ]
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch
your car on the news in a high-speed chase.[ ]c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone company for 911 call not going
through.[ ]d) Call your therapist.[ ]
In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) Stop your car.
b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved
ones.
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for
Channel 9.In the instance of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
c) You're not sure what "rain" is.Please indicate number of therapy sessions per
week: ______.Are you presently taking any of the following
medications?a) Prozac [ ]
b) Zovirax [ ]
c) Lithium [ ]
d) Zanax [ ]
e) Valium [ ]
f) Zoloft [ [
g) All of the above [ ]
h) None of the above* [ ]
*If none, please explain:__________________.Length of daily commute:__________________
a) Less than 1 hour*
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please
explain:____________________When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and
insurance form ready.
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
405 Freeway.
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to
attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.When turning, you should always signal your
intentions by:
a) Using your directional signals.
b) What is a "directional signal"?Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) The wiper blades.
b) The belts.
c) The horn.The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) Dark, poorly lit roads.
b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of
the way.
c) Revenge!Your rear view mirror is for:
a) Watching for approaching cars.[ ]
b) Watching for approaching police cars.[ ]
c) Checking your hair.[ ]
The Male & Female Stages of Life
The Male Stages Of Life
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
The Female Stages Of Life
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
Personal Ads Dictionary
WOMENS ADS
40-ish………………………49
Adventurer…………………Slept with all your friends
Athletic……………………No tits
Average looking……………Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful……………………Pathological liar
Contagious smile…………Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated…………………Banged her Political Science Professor
Emotionally secure………Medicated
Feminist……………………Fat ball buster
Free Spirit…………………Junkie
Friendship first……………Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun…………………………Annoying
Gentle………………………Comatose
Good listener……………Borderline autistic
New-Age……………………All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned……………Lights out, missionary position only, no BJ’s
Open-minded………………Desperate
Outgoing……………………Loud and embarrassing
Passionate…………………Sloppy drunk
Poet…………………………Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional………………Certified bitch
Redhead……………………Bad dye-job
Reubenesque………………Grossly fat
Romantic……………………Looks better by candlelight
Social………………………Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous…………………Very fat
Weight proportion w/height………………Hugely fat
Wants soul mate…………Stalker
Widow………………………Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart……………Old batMENS ADS
40-ish………………………52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic……………………Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking……………Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back
Educated…………………Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit…………………Banging your sister
Friendship first……………As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun…………………………Good with remote and a six pack
Good looking………………Arrogant
Very good looking…………Dumb as a board
Honest……………………Pathological liar
Huggable……………………Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle……………Insecure mama’s boy
Mature……………………Older than your father
Open-minded………………Wants to sleep with your room mate, but shes not interested
Physically fit………………Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet…………………………Wrote ex-girlfriends # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive……………………Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive………………Gay
Spiritual………………………Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable………………………Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful…………………Says “Excuse me” when he farts
Before and after you fall in love
Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocatingBefore - Twice a night
After - Twice a monthBefore - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniacBefore - Lucy and Ricky
After - Fred and EthylBefore - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night FootballBefore - He makes me feel like a million dollars
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...Before - Don't stop
After - Don't startBefore - The Sound of Music
After - The Sounds of SilenceBefore - Is that all you're having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honeyBefore - Wheel of fortune
After - JeopardyBefore - It's like I'm living in a dream
After - It's like he lives in a dormBefore - $60/dozen
After - $1.50/stemBefore - Turbo-charged
After - Jump-startBefore - We agree on everything
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?Before - Victoria's Secret
After - Fruit of the LoomBefore - Charming and Noble
After - ChernobylBefore - Feathers and handcuffs
After - Ball and chainBefore - Idol
After - IdleBefore - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fatBefore - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship is going nowhereBefore - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instantBefore - Blind
After - Near-sightedBefore - You look so seductive in black
After - Your clothes are so depressingBefore - Iambic pentameter
After - Blank verseBefore - Oysters
After - FishsticksBefore - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like youBefore - Passion
After - RationBefore - Once upon a time
After - The end