For personal use and select distribution only � November 1997
by Pam Hunter

Black clouds had been building up behind them for nearly two hours and both Michaela and Sully knew that time was running out before the storm hit. They hunched further down into their buckskin coats and urged their horses into a gallop. Katie, who had earlier fallen asleep perched up in a leather sling in front of Sully, woke and begun to cry plaintively as the extreme cold burned her skin. It felt like the temperature had dropped about twenty degrees in the past half hour and the wind had an iciness to it which seemed to chill them through to the bones.

Sully reined his horse in and turned back to his wife, calling into the fierce wind which had suddenly sprung up and was whipping their hair around their faces, "Its no good Michaela … we aint gonna make it back …. gotta find somewhere to shelter or we’re gonna be soaked and frozen."

Michaela merely nodded her head, fighting the cold, the rising wind and her temper and they set off again. She couldn’t help thinking that if she had done this trip yesterday, when *she* had wanted to, this wouldn’t have been happening. In the back of her mind she knew this was not rational thinking, after all there had been a storm yesterday afternoon and evening too, but it still rankled that Sully had not wanted her to set out to see the old miner, Sam Slocombe, yesterday when she’d first been alerted by a trapper that he needed a doctor.

And this morning even the prospect of spending a few stolen hours in Sully’s company had not improved her disposition. The fact that they’d finally arrived at Slocombe’s cabin to discover that he needed extensive medical attention, including an ankle set and bound and wounds on his arm and shoulder dressed (a result of a hunting accident), had added to her woes - they would return much later than expected. Then Sully’d insisted on cutting some wood and checking Slocombe’s traps so that the old man would have enough supplies to tide him over until he was able to go out hunting again - delaying their departure even further.

And so now here they were, apparently to be caught in a blizzard, without suitable shelter or supplies! She shivered in sudden fear and pulled her coat more closely around her.

As for bringing Katie with them! Certainly Brian had had to go to school and everyone else in town was busy coping with the unusually bad weather which had been prevalent in these weeks leading up to Christmas, but if she’d found someone to look after Katie at the homestead she’d be safe and warm in front of the fire now instead of sitting up in front of Sully, enveloped in shawls and blankets. Again, deep down, Michaela knew that she wasn’t being fair. When she’d secretly met Sully in the woods yesterday morning he’d insisted on accompanying her, saying that it would also give him a chance to spend some time with Katie. He’d warned her that Slocombe’s cabin was hard to find, that the terrain would be rough, and she had to admit he’d been right. And sure, she realised that she’d probably have had trouble finding it without him but that wasn’t the point!

Lost in her thoughts and fears, she was oblivious to the first flurries of snow which had started to fall, until an urgent yell from Sully brought her out of her reverie abruptly. He’d reined in his horse and was pointing into the woods to the east. Michaela drew up alongside to look in the direction he was indicating. It was becoming increasingly difficult to see more that a few yards ahead, but amongst the trees she could just make out an old and ramshackle cabin and at this point in time any sort of shelter was welcome! Just then the flurries, driven by the fierce wind, changed to sleet, making it difficult to breath and forcing them to squint against the icy whiteness. Sully pulled the fronts of his coat together around Katie, beckoned to Michaela to follow and headed for the cabin, hoping for some relief from the elements. Michaela trailed doggedly on Sully’s heels, her heart pounding with every step.

By the time they reached the clearing in which the old cabin stood there were already a couple of inches of new snow on the ground. Katie, protected by Sully’s buckskin coat, was fairly dry but by now she’d had enough of riding with her pa in the snow and bitter cold and was wriggling and crying. Michaela dismounted and automatically reached up for the blanketed bundle which was her daughter. Katie gladly went into her mother’s arms, though what she really wanted was to be put on her feet and so her wriggling increased.

"I’ll find some shelter for the horses," yelled Sully against the howling of the wind, indicating that she should go inside. Michaela nodded and, Katie in arms, ran to the closed door of the obviously deserted cabin. She was relieved to find that it opened with a slight push with her hip and she tentatively ventured inside. The heavy storm clouds overhead made the interior very dim and Michaela could only make out an old table to the left and a chimney and fireplace to the right. She could clearly see sky through a couple of gaps in the roofing iron which were letting in sleet and snow and the window to the left was broken, allowing the bitter wind to rush in.

Slamming the door with a loud bang, Michaela moved with Katie towards the fireplace, immediately aware of the dank and musty smell and the extreme cold which permeated the interior. Katie was squirming in her mother’s arms, now demanding that she be put down. Unsure of the dangers possibly lurking in the shadows Michaela was reluctant to let her out of her arms but was having difficulty holding the now screaming toddler. At that moment Sully threw the door of the cabin open, tossed her saddlebags and his pack on the floor and then exited as quickly as he had come. Finally reaching the end of her tether Michaela stood watching the closed door in anger and amazement, tears welled up and overflowed, but she unconsciously maintained a firm grip on her fractious daughter.

When Sully returned a few minutes later, his arms laden with firewood, it was to discover his usually unflappable wife sitting on the dirty floor of the cabin in tears, rocking their still screaming daughter in her arms. Sully’s first reaction was one of shock. In all the years he had known her he had never seen her give in to the moment as she was apparently doing now. He dropped the firewood by the stone chimney and reached for Katie who again tearfully demanded that she be put down. Aware that he would not be able to see to Michaela or light a fire with his daughter squirming in his arms, he did indeed put her down. She looked up at her father in surprise, the tantrum disappearing as quickly as it had come, then began to take in her surroundings, bleak though they were.

Sully was torn. He knew that his first priority must be to build a fire and dispel the cold and mustiness, but he was becoming more and more concerned about Michaela who was still sitting on the dusty floor near the fireplace, rocking back and forth, her arms clasped around her drawn up knees, silent tears pouring down her cheeks. He picked up the colourful indian blanket which they had grabbed at the last minute from the rocker at home to wrap around Katie, and draped it around Michaela’s shoulders before turning back to their mischievous daughter.

Now that she had got her way she happily followed her father around the cabin, chattering unintelligibly and discovering whatever treasures it might hold - if you could call a couple of candle stubs and an old bucket treasure. She seemed oblivious to the howling wind outside or the damp smell and bitter cold. Sully had to watch her carefully as there were several wet, slippery patches caused by snow, leaves and bird and animal droppings which had come in through the gaps in the roof. Near the fireplace however, the floor was dry, and so he laid out Michaela’s wool shawl and settled Katie on it to eat a biscuit and a quartered apple he found in the saddlebags. He then determinedly set about lighting the fire. All the while Michaela appeared unaware of what was going on around her, as if she had cut herself off from them.

With the aid of a little dry wood he’d found in the old wood-box by the chimney and the slightly damp twigs and larger pieces he’d brought in from outside, Sully soon had a roaring fire going which did much to improve the temperature (at least at one end of the room) and the atmosphere in the cabin. He often glanced across at Michaela while he was working, hoping to see some improvement in her demeanour, but while the flow of tears eventually stopped, she was still withdrawn. Sully removed his damp buckskin coat and spread it on the floor in front of the fire to dry before moving across to her. He gently removed her coat also and laid it next to his. He spread the blanket on the floor, tenderly lifted Michaela on to it and then sat down next to her, taking her into his arms. She leaned into him but remained staring silently into the fire.

Having made short work of the biscuit and the apple, Katie was now in a much better frame of mind and, seeing her parents sitting close by, toddled across to plop herself into Michaela’s lap, laying her head against her ma’s breast, almost as if she knew that her ma needed some comforting. Michaela’s arms encircled her daughter and she rested her chin on the top of Katie’s head. Katie looked up at her mother’s face, her tiny brow creased and then she turned to her pa.

Sully smiled at her and reached across to ruffle her hair. "How about a story huh?" he said quietly. Katie’s face lit up and she watched her father’s face intently, still cuddled into Michaela. Sully began to tell a tale he had told many times to Brian, of a miner in search of treasure. He knew that the actual story meant little to Katie, it was his tone of voice and mannerisms which were important. As he told the story Katie’s eyelids began to droop and her body sagged into Michaela’s embrace. Soon she was sound asleep in her mother’s arms.

Sully stood and took Katie from Michaela, laying her gently on the wool shawl in front of the fire. The warmth of the fire had made her cheeks pink and her breathing was deep and even. He waited a moment, just watching her sleep and then moved back to Michaela and took her into his arms. Again she leant against him but remained silent.

Night had fallen. The howling wind, and the ever-changing shadows painted on the walls of the cabin by the flames created an eerie atmosphere. Sully sat for a while, savouring the feel of his wife in his arms, something he had yearned for of late but which had not often been possible. Then, as she maintained her silence he asked softly, "Michaela? ………. Tell me what’s wrong ……… please."

There was no reply, but suddenly he was aware of Michaela’s tears wetting his shirt. He drew back a little to look at her and was shocked by what he saw. Her face had crumpled, her eyes were closed tightly and soon sobs began to wrack her body. All Sully could do was to hold her. She clung to him as she had once before - in a cave after he had rescued her from dog soldiers - as if she was trying to absorb him into herself. He began to rock her gently, endeavouring to provide the comfort she so obviously needed.

After a while the sobbing ceased but she remained silent.

He tried again, "Michaela …….. tell me ……..."

He felt her take a few deep breaths and then she said in a voice muffled by his shirt, "I’m so tired ……."

"Tired?"

"Of trying to be strong when all I feel is frightened," she whispered heartbreakingly.

He lovingly brushed back her hair which had fallen across her face, stroked her neck and back and asked gently, "Frightened? …….. Of what?" He was afraid that he already knew what her answer would be, but her reply gave him a jolt anyway.

"Of …. of …… lots of things ….. callous soldiers ……. rattlesnakes ………an’ ……and …. mine cave-ins …….. dog soldiers …….." It was all coming out in a jumbled rush. "Of ………. of ……… b-blizzards ………..and money-hungry bankers ……….. an’ droughts …….. outlaws …." He couldn’t have stopped her now if he’d tried. It was as if all her fears had manifested themselves here, now, in this tiny, deserted cabin in the foothills. "Of ….. soldiers …… and the law ……… and …….. and …….. l-losing you …….. losing you *too*," she sobbed.

Sully tightened his hold and began to gently rock her again. Now he was lost for words. How do you comfort someone when you have so many of those fears yourself?

For Michaela it was if a dam had burst as she poured her heart out to him. "I lie awake in our bed at night and I wonder if I’ll ever see you again ….. if maybe the last time I saw you really was the last, and I pray that God will keep you safe. And then you come back to me for just a few moments and I want to hold on to you but I know that you’ll be going again ….. I don’t know where …. I don’t know if you’re going to be safe …….. I need you beside me …… in our bed ….. holding me." She glanced across at Katie sleeping peacefully on the floor. "Holding us ….."

"Michaela …. we’ll get through this …….. it aint gonna last forever," Sully tried desperately to reassure her, aware that his words sounded hollow.

Michaela went on as if he hadn’t spoken, "I go to the clinic and I have to be the proper Dr Michaela Quinn ……. taking care of my patients …… convincing the town that I’m coping ….. being strong for Grace and Robert E ……. trying to ignore Hank and Jake’s snide remarks ……. holding my head up high …. All the while I want to curl up in a ball somewhere and wait for you to come back to me …. us……. It feels like I’ve been frightened for so long I’ve forgotten how to be anything else …."

Sully’s brow creased in a pained frown and he closed his eyes against the images she had conjured up. "Michaela … I know I can never make it all up to you ……. An’ I know we got some way to go yet ….. but it’ll pass …. one way or the other ……please hold on to that … I wanna be with you too …. an’ I feel like I’m missin’ out on so much with Katie an’ all … but there aint no way to end this easily or we’d ‘ve already found it." He took a deep breath and went on, "I’ve bin frightened too …… knowin’ what you were goin’ through ……. scared that the army might wanna take it out on you ….. try an’ involve you in some way …. I could never’ve forgivin’ myself if anythin’ like that happened."

She looked up at him, her eyes shining with still more tears. "Sully .. there’s so much you don’t know about …… how it’s been….. how I felt," Michaela said softly. "When I found out I was pregnant …. it was like there was something good that was going to come out of all this trouble … something that we could hold on to … be thankful for ….. and then …. in one awful night it was all gone." She was crying again, but this time quietly, and she began to unconsciously stroke Sully’s hand with her own. She whispered into his chest, "I wanted so much to give you a son …. to carry a part of you inside me through all this …….. if I was going to lose you ….. I’d have Katie and our son to get me through."

By now Sully was fighting the need to give in to his fears as Michaela was, but over and above that he needed to make her realise what she and their life together meant to him. "You’re right Michaela …. I don’ know how you *felt* losin’ our baby …… but I do know how it felt *here*." He placed his open hand over his heart, then picked up her hand, placing it over his heart and covering it with his own. "I carry you ….an’ the kids *here* Michaela …… no matter where I am or what I’m doin’. You’re a part of me … you fill me …… what happens to you happens to me." He suddenly took his hand from hers to run his fingers through his hair agitatedly, unsure of where to go from here. At last he said, "I’m so sorry Michaela ….!" And the tears he had been holding in check began to fall.

Michaela reached up to lovingly brush away the tears rolling silently down his cheeks. "Sully, we’ve talked about this before. No-one’s to blame. If your helping the indians at the reservation hadn’t ended up this way, something else would’ve happened ….it was inevitable. You’re alive, so is Cloud Dancing - that’s the most important thing. I don’t blame you for not being there when I need you or when I lost our baby." She clasped his hands tightly in her own. "We both know its not possible to be together at the moment. Sometimes I miss you so much that it hurts ……. but you’re *here* with me now and I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been today …. Everything was building up inside me …… I felt so tired …. I just couldn’t be strong anymore……." She looked up into his eyes to make sure that he understood what she was trying to convey. "Now …. just hold me …. hold me ……. please."

Sully pulled her close against his chest and rested his chin on the top of her head, saying with love, "You don’ have to be strong with me ya know." Michaela wrapped her arms around his waist, closed her eyes and savoured being held so lovingly in his arms, drawing on his strength, trying to put to the back of her mind the troubles which might still lay ahead, before he could return to her forever. Despite all her fears she firmly believed that someday soon he would return to their home, a free man, able to care for his family in the way he had always wanted to.

They sat before the fire together for a long time, reaction to what had just passed between them setting in, making them both weary and yet strangely grateful that they had been able to express their feelings to each other without recriminations.

After a long while Sully said quietly, "I’m gonna have to add some wood to that fire Michaela or it’ll go out and we’ll freeze."

Michaela nodded and he rose to stir the embers and add some of their small supply of wood to the fire. He reached down to gently stroke Katie’s back and pull the wool shawl more tightly around her. Before rejoining Michaela he rummaged through their saddlebags on the floor and came up with another apple and a cloth which held two biscuits. "’Fraid, this is all that’s left of the food we brought … hope you’re not too hungry," he said apologetically.

"We’ll have to keep a biscuit for Katie’s breakfast or we’ll never hear the end of it," said Michaela reaching for the apple. "Looks like half each of this and the biscuit!" She smiled wanly up at him, warming his heart. She was pale and exhausted but this was the Michaela he loved, who could smile when the same situation would make other people angry or cry. He knew that this came from her natural strength - inside.

He tossed her the biscuit and said encouragingly, "If we’re lucky this blizzard’ll blow itself out by mornin’ an’ we can head back …. bacon an’ eggs sound real good to me ….. even if I hafta sneak past soldiers!" As he spoke he sat down beside her on the blanket and they ate their meagre meal slowly, determined to make it last.

After they’d finished eating Sully again reached for Michaela but this time he lifted her gently to sit between his legs wrapping himself around her before pulling the edges of the blanket up over them. Again they sat quietly together, the earlier tension gone.

Then Michaela murmured softly, "Sully, if we close our eyes we could be sitting in front of the fire in our room at home ……. can you see it?"

"Uh huh," said Sully, just as quietly. "Katie’s sleepin’ in the room opposite and Brian an’ Colleen are in their rooms and tomorrow I gotta chop lotsa wood to last us over the winter …." He tenderly kissed her neck. "An’ tonight I wanna hold my beautiful wife and keep her safe an’ warm."

Michaela reached up to cup his face and draw his mouth down to hers. The kiss was loving and deep and tender and seemed to go on forever. It had been so long since they’d been able to relax and enjoy being together, loving each other, without having to look over their shoulder - they were hardly likely to be interrupted by soldiers tonight! Instead of a menace, the raging blizzard had become a haven.

As they broke apart Michaela said softly, "Sully … if I’ve learnt one thing its that I miss you being by my side. I don’t think I realised it before all this happened ……. You’ve been there ever since I stepped off that stagecoach from Boston six years ago haven’t you?" She raised her eyes to his and he shrugged his shoulders self-consciously. She went on, "I came to depend on you well before I realised that I loved you …. You were always there if I needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to back me up, to talk things through with …. or help me with the children …. That’s what I miss the most. You give me strength to overcome my fears and with you being away from me it felt like that strength was dwindling away ……" She turned in his arms to face him, again cupped his face tenderly with her hands and looked straight into his eyes. "But now I realise that the reason I felt like that was because I wasn’t thinking of *you* ….. I was thinking of *me* ….. I carry you in my heart too ….. wherever you are and whatever you’re doing …… I don’t need you beside me to give me strength …… I have you *here*," and she placed her hand over her heart.

Sully closed his eyes for a moment - the intensity of her steady, tear-filled gaze was overwhelming. When he opened them again her gaze had not wavered. He smiled and reached out in wonder to trace with his fingertips her brow, cheeks, nose, chin and lips before pulling her against his chest, holding her tightly. Michaela’s hands began to move lovingly on his back, increasing in intimacy until she pulled back and claimed his lips with her own. They moved as one to lie together on their blanket in front of the fire, but before giving way to the passion stirring in him Sully couldn’t resist pulling back to again smile into Michaela’s eyes. He lifted one eyebrow and said softly, "Rattlesnakes huh??"

Michaela blushed and bit her lip, "Well …….."

Sully tenderly kissed her again and then whispered into her ear, "Mmmmm …… seems to me, a while back doin’ this used to frighten ya too ….."

In reply, Michaela, her eyes holding his, slid her hand inside his shirt and again placed it over his heart. Quickly unfastening the buttons on her blouse, Sully did the same. There was no need for further words or explanations.

Outside the wind continued to howl fiercely and new snow continued to mount up in drifts around and on the tiny cabin …….. but the storm had passed.

THE END