For personal and select distribution only � March 1998
by Pam Hunter

Michaela lay on her back watching the flickering firelight play on the ornate ceiling and sparkle off the crystals in the decorative lampshade hanging above their bed. Gradually, as the fire died down, the shadows lengthened and the features of their grand hotel room became indistinct, fading into the background. And, as the firelight dimmed, the moonlight, through the large bay window, spread in a pool across the thickly carpeted floor and filtered through the lace draped between the bedposts. Occasionally a faint breeze wafted through the slightly open window and the only obvious sound was the crackling of the dwindling fire in the grate.

The more quiet and softly lit the room became, the more her senses heightened and gradually focussed on Sully’s open hand laying warmly on her rib-cage just below her breast and his arm securely lodged under her neck and shoulders. She was aware of his hip and thigh touching hers, the heat from his skin lessened only slightly by the fine lawn of her lace-trimmed, white nightgown. His own unique scent filled the air and she could hear the sound of his deep and even breathing and feel his breath on her neck. This was their seventh night lying together like this, the seventh night since their beautiful wedding in the meadow in Colorado Springs, one full week together as man and wife.

Her head spun with the feelings and experiences engendered by her marriage to Sully. Like today …….

It was a beautiful late spring day - clear blue skies, the air gradually warming as the sun climbed higher above them. Taking their time and enjoying each others’ company, they rode their hired horses high up into the foothills and then sat beside a fast running stream to eat the delicious picnic lunch they’d ordered from the hotel kitchen. The further away from Denver and the deeper into the valleys and woods they got, the more alone they seemed - just the two of them exploring the world together.

Together! That’s what struck her the most about these early days of their honeymoon. She’d never experienced this closeness with anyone before. She’d loved and worked with her father and they’d shared a passion for medicine but she had never been able to reveal her true self to anyone like she could with Sully. Her thoughts suddenly went further back …..

She was leaning against the railings of the porch at the homestead the night before their wedding, staring up at the stars and wondering what it would be like sharing her life with Sully, worrying that her independence might be swallowed up in this institution called marriage, worrying about whether Sully was ready to share his life with her, or rather, whether she was ready to share her life with him. She was so nervous, excited, almost fearful of the dramatic changes which were about to occur in her life, not the least being that she would be sharing her bed with a man for the first time. And her mother hadn’t helped her nerves any! After supper that night mother had been at pains to point out to her that once she married Sully there were certain conventions she would have to obey and certain rules which must be adhered to, including doing her ‘wifely duty’.

Michaela blushed in the darkness.

She stood there in the cool night air, hoping desperately that Sully would suddenly emerge from the darkness to hold her and talk to her and reassure her as he had the night they became engaged almost a year ago …………

The cool breeze wafted in the window beside the bed and the moonlight created eerie shadows on the walls and floor of the homestead. She lay in the darkness, knowing there was little hope of falling asleep. She raised her fingers to softly touch her lips. She could still feel that kiss. She’d never kissed a man like that before and her response to him out there in the sweat lodge had both frightened and excited her. Did all women react to their beloved like that, did they feel as overwhelmed as she had been? She felt as if she had lost control - the kiss could have gone on forever and she would have delighted in it. It had been Sully who had finally ended it by resting his forehead against hers and holding her to him until their breathing steadied.

It was one of those times when she missed being so far from her family. She needed to talk to her sister Rebecca about her feelings for Sully and that kiss. She would love to see Rebecca’s face when her telegram arrived in Boston to say that she had accepted Sully’s proposal of marriage. This made her wonder what her mother’s reaction would be. Mother was aware that she’d returned to Colorado Springs back in November because of her feelings for Sully but probably believed that her daughter ‘would soon come to her senses’ and get over him.

But since the day not so long ago, when he’d saved her from the dog soldiers and sheltered her in a cave high up in the hills, she’d taken to daydreaming about what she’d say if Sully ever asked her to marry him. She’d thought he was going to ask her the day they’d gone walking in the woods just out of town and he’d told her again that he loved her. But he hadn’t asked and she’d felt vaguely disappointed. Would she hesitate? Would she ask for time to think it over? But when he *had* asked her out there in the sweat lodge she hadn’t hesitated at all. Despite the unusual surroundings and situation, saying yes felt absolutely right. But the kiss afterwards had never been a part of her daydreams; it had not been within the realm of her experience. She had been unaware that Sully could evoke such a response in her - she could feel the excitement, the blood racing through her veins, her heart pounding, the butterflies in the pit of her stomach.

Her hand instinctively reached out to touch the cotton sheet and pillow beside her and a warmth spread throughout her body as she blushed and her heart began to pound again. They already spent a lot of time together and he shared the chores around the homestead with her and the children. He also shared most meals with them. But each evening, shortly after Colleen and Matthew went to bed, he would leave to return to his lean-to high up in the hills. What would it be like to have him sleep close beside her, to wake up in his arms each morning, to have him hold her and kiss her like he had today in the woods? The pounding in her veins increased.

She was startled by a light tapping on the window pane beside her bed. She quickly sat up, nervously pulled back the curtain and, as if she had conjured him up in her dreams, she saw Sully peering back at her. He was beckoning to her, gesturing that she should come outside to him.

Hastily draping a thick shawl over her light nightgown, she opened the door to greet him as he stood on the threshold silently, a slight tender smile on his lips.

"Sully ….. its late and the children are asleep," she whispered.

In reply, he merely held out his hand, inviting her out into the night air. She hesitated momentarily, but his gaze captured and held hers and so she put her slightly shaky hand in his and moved towards him. His hand grasped hers and then caressed it, pulling her towards the porch step where they had so often sat and talked before. But this time was different. There was a tension, an excitement in the air which was new to them both. Sully sat on the top step and gently pulled her down to sit beside him. His arm came around her shoulders and he gently drew her towards him so that her head rested against him. They sat quietly for some time before tentatively, and then more eagerly, starting to talk, to make plans, assuring each other of their love and belief in their future together.

And so here she was, in a grand hotel room in Denver, in his arms. She unconsciously slipped her hand into his resting against her.

Sully felt her hand slip beneath his and gently stroked its softness with his thumb. Sometimes he had trouble believing that she was finally lying here with him as his wife. He thought back to his years of sleeping out in the wilderness, of his solitary life until this beautiful, strong, yet shy woman entered it and turned it upside down ……

He strolled slowly back towards his lean-to in the woods. Since the fire in the homestead barn back in November he’d taken to sleeping further down the foothills, closer to Michaela and the children, not that any of them knew that. The sky was clear, the moon was bright and the breeze was a little cool but he wouldn’t have cared if it had been pitch black and pouring with rain. He didn’t sing very often but at this moment he could easily have burst into song and his heart was pounding at twice its usual rate. He’d finally asked her and she’d said yes! He’d been thinking about asking her for a long time. In his dreams he’d been thinking about asking her ever since he’d first seen her nearly two years ago, but he’d never in his wildest dreams imagined asking her in a sweat lodge out in the woods like he had today.

He was a little embarrassed about that. He must never tell her that it was actually fear that had finally prompted him to put into words the question which had been consuming his thoughts for some time. In the sweat lodge, when the spirits had warned him that Michaela might leave him, it had frightened him more than he could ever have imagined. The pain and heaviness in his heart and the fear of never realising his dreams had provoked an immediate response - to call her into the lodge and ask her right away. He didn’t know why he hadn’t asked her before this. He’d made up all sorts of excuses in his mind - he wasn’t ready, the moment’s not right, she might not be ready to say yes, the moment should be special….. But his fears had all been for nought. She hadn’t hesitated. She’d said yes straight away.

After all this time he could still feel the excitement of their ensuing kiss.

He’d very nearly lost control and he was sure that Michaela had begun to. But he knew that she trusted him not to do anything to make her ashamed and so he’d *very* reluctantly pulled away from her and suggested that they return to the homestead to tell the children their news.

He reached his lean-to and sat down, his chin resting on his drawn up knees, Wolf curled up against his legs. Telling the children had been special. Getting the words out had been a little difficult, but their obvious delight when he’d told them that he was going to marry their ma warmed his heart; not that he’d ever doubted that they would welcome him, after all they’d helped him along the way in courting her - since the trip to Boston really.

There were so many things he and Michaela still had to say to each other. She’d been surprised when he’d said that he wanted to build a new house for the family and neither of them had known what to say when Brian asked about when they’d be getting married. He hoped that Michaela would agree to the wedding being soon, because now that he’d finally asked her he was impatient for their life together to begin.

He’d left her tonight very reluctantly. He’d have been happy just to stay and watch her sleep. When he closed his eyes every one of her beautiful womanly features came clearly to mind and his pulse quickened. The prospect of sharing their lives in every sense of the word filled him with almost unbearable excitement and anticipation.

He stood up and retraced his steps to the homestead. He needed to hold her and talk to her.

Closing his eyes now he relived that clear, starry night, when they’d sat on the homestead steps until the early hours of the morning holding each other and talking, overwhelmed by the commitment they had both just made. His body warmed and unconsciously his thumb brushed the underside of Michaela’s breast.

Michaela shivered and her clasp on Sully’s hand tightened.

"Are ya cold," he murmured in the darkness.

"No," she replied, shyly.

"Good," he replied with a smile, gently caressing her skin.

Michaela lovingly stroked his chest with her fingertips and her thoughts flew to this afternoon ……

After a wonderful summer’s day spent rambling through the woods, riding, talking, enjoying having time to spend together, they reluctantly started back, but then Sully suggested they stop and sit for a while to watch the sun go down. They perched on a rocky outcrop overlooking a creek and the hills beyond and watched the sky gradually change hue all around them and the sun become a huge fiery orange ball as it dropped behind the towering Rockie mountains. Sully sat with his back against a gnarled old tree trunk and drew her close to sit between his knees, his arms wrapped around her tightly - laying across her breasts, his chin resting on her shoulder.

She took a deep breath - she could still feel the soft breeze, the coolness of the air and Sully’s gentleness.

She held his arms and leant back into him, enjoying this closeness. After sitting in peaceful silence for quite some time, awed by the beauty of the scene before them, she sensed his mood change. His arms and hands became more tender and intimate, he drew his knees up to hold her to him and he leaned in to lovingly place a series of light kisses on her neck. Her heart started to race as she began to think that he wanted to be with her, out here in the woods. She was uncertain how to respond, still unsure of herself in this new intimate relationship with Sully. Then suddenly he gave her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek, stood, drawing her up with him, and suggested that they head back before it became too dark. She didn’t know whether to feel disappointed or relieved.

She trembled a little and turned slightly in his arms.

As she turned towards him, the moonlight which had been slowly creeping up their bed as the moon rose higher in the sky, spilled across her face and, once again, Sully was awed by her beauty ……

He turned from the fire as he heard Michaela’s footsteps behind him. She had just emerged from their hotel bedroom where she had been preparing for their outing. His breath caught and his eyes widened. The wait had been well worth it! She stood before him in a vivid blue gown, the likes of which he had only seen in Boston and Washington. Her hair was swept up in a series of curls high on her crown and a number of tight curls tumbled down over her shoulders. A simple pair of filigree silver and onyx earrings hung from her ears and caught the light. He would be so proud to escort this beautiful woman, his wife, to tonight’s concert.

Remembering their night at the opera in Boston a long time ago, they’d decided to attend the Denver Opera House to hear the renowned singer from New York - Margaret …. something …… he couldn’t recall her full name. Of course this meant that he had to wear a dress suit but now he was thankful, as he would have the most beautiful woman in Denver on his arm and he wanted to do her proud.

He was sure that the other concertgoers were turning to look at them as they crossed the foyer of the Opera House and walked down the aisle to their seats. Then the theatre darkened and the light concentrated on a small portion of stage on which stood a grand piano. The singer’s name was announced and she walked regally into the spotlight. The pianist began the first melody and a beautiful, rich soprano voice filled the theatre. Truth to tell, he wouldn’t have known if the singer was good or bad but Michaela told him later that, although she had heard better, this one was pretty good. Margaret ….. completed the first song to a thunderous round of applause and the pianist began to play the next.

Sensitive to everything about Michaela at this time, he felt her still as the new, but strangely familiar, piece of music began to fill the air. She was not as relaxed as she had been before. He glanced across at her face - her eyes, reflecting the lights, were staring fixedly at the singer on the stage and, though he couldn’t be sure, he thought he detected a hint of a tear in them. Her hands which had been demurely held in her lap unclasped and then clasped again. Then he was surprised when his proper Boston-bred bride reached across to place her hand gently on his knee seeking his hand which she found and grasped, oblivious to the other theatre patrons seated near them.

Of course he knew now what had prompted her intense feelings and subsequent behaviour ….

He gently rolled her towards him so that her head came to rest on his chest and he raised her hand to his mouth and held it there, gently touching the rings on her finger.

Her engagement and wedding rings from Sully with love ……..

They sat at a table for two, a little apart from the main crowd, just sitting, occasionally touching hands, occasionally eating, but all the while unable to take their eyes off each other. She was wearing, for the first time, an engagement ring, given to her just a little while ago before the town’s performance of Romeo and Juliet began. Several times during the performance and then the curtain calls she’d unconsciously touched the ring and glanced across to her right into the lengthening shadows looking for Sully. She’d convinced herself that it didn’t matter if there was no ring from him but receiving that ring as a formal acknowledgment of their engagement had thrilled her more than she would’ve ever imagined. In addition, Sully had left the conference in Denver early so that he could spend at least part of this day with her and now, as if in a world of their own, they sat in Grace’s Caf� sharing the remaining few hours of Valentines Day.

As Sully reached out and gently caressed her hand and touched the ring on her finger she was aware that they had both overcome so much in their lives to find each other, and while they still had a lot to learn, she knew that they would take the journey into the future together.

She had been so worried about her relationship with Sully, so confused about her feelings, frightened to let go, to be herself, to let Sully into her life. She knew that her rigid upbringing in Boston had been very different from Sully’s and that all her studying to be a doctor had meant that she had not enjoyed many of the usual experiences of a young, single woman. She’d arrived in Colorado Springs desperate to be accepted as a doctor and afraid to let anyone into her private life. Sully had overcome all that. She loved him so much for his strength, his patience and his perseverance in breaking down the barriers between them.

At that moment Sully raised her hand to his lips almost reverently and then reached to clasp both her hands in his across the table. She felt so blessed to have this man look at her the way he did, with such love and protectiveness.

They rose to leave, trying not to be noticed, hand in hand, then arm in arm to wander back towards the main street towards home. Alone but together, stopping where they thought they could not been seen, to reach for each other, to embrace, to kiss and to share their love.

She sighed and Sully gently stroked her shoulder in response. He’d heard her sigh like that this afternoon …….

They were sitting watching the sunset, she between his legs, leaning back into him. He’d be happy to sit forever like this - at last the slight tenseness which had always been there when he held her was gone. The sky gradually deepened, changing the colour and shape of the magnificent landscape spread out before them - a little like looking through Brian’s kaleidoscope. The air had gone still - even the birds had stopped their twittering. He became conscious of her and her alone - her heartbeat became his, their breathing synchronised. Suddenly he wanted her so badly that he found it difficult to control his mind and body. He ran his fingers down her arms and then tightened his hold on her before lightly kissing her neck, gauging her reaction. She trembled and then seemed to melt into him and yet he sensed an uncertainty. He moved his hand to the top buttons of her blouse. Was she ready to love him like this? Was it too soon? They’d been married for only a week and he knew that it was better to take things slowly - after all they had the rest of their lives to love each other.

So he gave her a quick hug and a gentle kiss on the cheek and suggested that they return to the hotel before it became too dark to see. He heard her sigh …….

He wondered what that sigh had meant ….

Through the open window, carried by the breeze, came the sound of music from one of the dance halls down the street and Michaela smiled a little ruefully to herself, thinking of last night …..

When she came out of the bedroom she saw Sully’s eyes light up. She’d taken a lot of time dressing up for him and was assured by that look that the extra care had been worth it. She couldn’t help admiring the figure he cut in his black dress suit either and she felt a frisson of excitement run through her.

At the theatre she and Sully were shown to their seats some fifteen rows back from the stage. Ever since she’d seen the poster at the hotel for Marguerite Van Berg’s recital she’d wanted to go but was unsure how Sully would feel about it, but he had readily agreed, reminding her of their excursion to the opera in Boston some years before.

As the lights dimmed, her excitement built - she missed being able to attend the theatre as she had as a young woman. She enjoyed Miss Van Berg’s first aria - her voice was strong and clear and sweet. The appreciative applause was followed by the pianist’s introduction to the next song. As she listened to this oh-so-familiar piece her thoughts flew back to the Opera House in Boston - Sully was sitting beside her and she was explaining the story behind the words and music being performed. All the while the soloist sang the plaintive refrain and she talked in a whisper to Sully, her heart and mind were in turmoil.

Each word of the aria had a special meaning for her. Memories of uncertainty, unfulfilled dreams, family disapproval, and her love for Sully which she had kept buried deep down in her heart crowded in on her. She would not want to return to those times ever again. This man sitting beside her, her husband, had dispelled so many of those uncertainties and fulfilled so many of her dreams. She needed to touch him, reassure herself that he was real, show him that she loved him. She reached out for his hand, brushing his knee as she did so and when she located his hand she clasped it tightly.

Michaela shyly raised her eyes to his and then reached up to tenderly kiss him before snuggling down again against his chest.

Sully smiled and again marvelled at how this woman could move him like no other ever had. He would never have believed that lying quietly together like this in silence could have given him such pleasure and delight.

They stood hand in hand at the top of the steep climb and watched the sun set in all its glory before their eyes. This was his special place - a place he had never shared with anyone before, a place where he came to sort out things in his mind. But now he felt that it was important to share it with Michaela. They were so different, in so many ways, but this place would give them something in common, not just because they both knew of it and no one else did, but because it would now have a special meaning for them.

There was no need for a single word to be spoken. He could see in Michaela’s eyes that she understood. He clasped her hand and drew her down to sit beside him. So much had happened to them in the last few weeks - the trip to Boston, the drought, the friction between the townspeople and the Cheyenne and most importantly their declarations of love to each other and now they just needed some time to be together, to take stock. He tentatively placed his arm around her and drew her head down to rest on his shoulder ….

That’s a lot of what this honeymoon is about he realised - a taking stock and learning from the past, experiencing the excitement and newness of the present and a promise for the future. He reached down to rest his hand under her chin and raise her lips to his. His mouth opened and moved over hers and his hold on her tightened.

Michaela revelled in his kiss but she wasn’t yet ready to respond in the way she knew he wanted. She was enjoying this peaceful, anticipatory ‘together’ time and she snuggled in against him once more. She pondered on the way her heart, mind and body responded to Sully’s touch. She’d never envisaged herself trembling when he held her as he did now. And this trembling had nothing to do with uncertainty and embarrassment as it had in the past.

She stood swaying slightly with the movement of the train. She could feel his gentle touch as he fumbled with the lacing on the back of her beautiful white gown. Each time his fingertips connected with her skin she tingled and fought to suppress the trembling which slowly crept through her entire body. Slowly he pulled each lace through its eyelet until she was bared to the waist, the dress held up only by the lace-trimmed sleeves. She could feel his breath on her skin and her knees were threatening to buckle under her. His hands left her for just a moment and then returned to tenderly grasp her shoulders and pull her back to lean against him. He’d removed his shirt and she felt the heat of his skin against hers for the first time. His hands slowly and intimately moved from her hips to her waist to her midriff to the softness of her breasts still protected by the beautiful soft silk of her wedding gown. She found herself holding her breath and her heart was pounding so fast and loudly she was sure he could hear it. He gently began to slide her gown down her arms and she fought the urge to raise them to cover her breasts as the gown fell in a heap at her feet. He leaned in to kiss her neck and cheek and then slowly turned her to face him - his eyes locking onto hers and holding them …..

Her heart was pounding as it had then and she could feel the slow blush which was suffusing her body.

He tenderly ran his hands down her shoulders and then across her back, gently pulling her towards him, against his chest, her cheek resting on his shoulder. Her hands automatically came up to encircle his waist and move up his back. Oh the incredible sensations! He began to run his hands lightly over her body and then his lips claimed hers and she was lost ……

Sully could feel Michaela’s skin warming to his touch. "Whatcha thinkin’ about?" he asked softly into the silence.

Michaela’s blush deepened.

"Tell me …." he implored, kissing her lightly on her forehead.

She lowered her head and whispered, "Our wedding night on the train."

Sully smiled and asked gently, "What part were ya thinkin’ of especially?"

This time Michaela could not answer but the warming of her skin did not diminish. After a long pause she looked up into his eyes, wanting to see his reaction to her next words, and asked softly, "Do you think its possible for a person to feel nervous, frightened and excited all at the same time?"

"Uh huh!"

"You do!"

"Yep, cos that’s how *I* felt," he stated, his eyes twinkling.

"You did? But …. but …… you’d been married before …."

"Mmmm … but I knew you hadn’t …. an’ ….. I wanted it to be special …. An’ I didn’t wanna frighten ya with how much I wanted ….. needed ….. to love ya …..." he said softly, caressing her back and shoulders.

"It *was* special Sully ….. and you didn’t ….. don’t …… frighten me," she answered shyly, looking up at him, wanting him to see the truth in her eyes.

His eyebrows lifted, he smiled and then lightly kissed her mouth. "But I aint finished yet. Ya see, I always felt that there was a place inside ya that ya kept me out of …… locked me out of ….. an’ I wanted to reach inside that place …… do ya understand?"

"Yes I understand and I’m sorry," she murmured a little shamefaced.

"Nah, don’ feel like that Michaela …. It was just part of you that you kept to yourself ….. maybe even *from* yourself ….. eh?"

"Someone else once said something like that to me. He said that I didn’t know anything about love ….. that I was dead inside ……. I wouldn’t let myself feel ……" her voice dwindled away so that he could barely hear her.

"Who told you that?" he asked indignantly. "Was it David?" He was annoyed that someone else would ever have said something so personal to her.

"It doesn’t matter who it was Sully ….. but I was so angry at him at the time …… it was actually you who made me realise why I was so angry."

"Me??"

"Yes you …… and Horace Bing if the truth be known. I was angry because I knew he was right - there *was* a part inside me that was frozen …. that stopped me showing my true feelings……. Maybe it was the way I was raised, or that I spent so much time at my studies, or maybe it was just me and my fears and I’d have been like that anyway, no matter where I lived or what I did. Do you understand?" There was an urgent plea in her voice and expression.

He smiled, gratified that she was finally being truly honest with him about herself. "Yeah, I understand ……… always did."

She looked up at him in surprise and something akin to relief.

"Sometimes, when I was with you, that place would melt some …. you’d let me in a little ……… an’ I’d see a different Michaela ….. that’s why our wedding night was so important to me …. I wanted to show ya that ya didn’t have to go away into that place ….. or lock me out ….. that …. that ……"

"I understand Sully." She reached up and placed her fingertips over his lips to hush him and then kissed him tenderly. "I think maybe that part of me is just about melted away now …. thanks to you ….. I love you so much …… Thank-you for being so patient with me …. for being so gentle and loving ……. for waiting so long for me to be ready ………"

He slowly and gently rolled her onto her back and, looking down into her eyes, he said, "We got a long way to go yet Michaela …… another full week here …. just us … I love bein’ with just you …… havin’ time to talk …… bein’ together like this …… an’ then, when we go home, things aint gonna be like they used to …. We’ve got a whole new life in front of us Michaela ….. a lifetime together to build up a lotta memories and feelin’s to tell our kids and gran’kids about ……. alright?"

"Mmmm ……. very alright ……" she said, excited by his vision of their future. "And promise me that if you ever think that a part of me is keeping you out again you’ll tell me …. please ……"

In reply, Sully oh so slowly and tenderly traced the softness of her lips with his fingertips before replacing them with his eager mouth, by which time Michaela was *very* ready to respond in the way she knew he wanted ……

THE END