Stuff to take and not to take

Lonely planet advises taking a torch, magnifying glass, sewing kit, etc. Bollocks to that. Take a Super-Soaker and some porn. I fucking wish I did. But stuff you will probably need includes:

1 Loads of T-shirts and shorts, cos it doesn’t half get hot in the day, especially when you go to lower altitudes.

5 As many British cigs as you can smuggle. The cigs are dirt cheap over here, but they taste of poo. You’re only allowed 200 by British law on a British passport, wherever you are in the world. If you don’t want to break the law, buy more and ask non-smokers (that you know) to take them through for you. If you ask people that you don’t know to carry stuff through customs for you, you could go down for 3 to 8. That’s years guys.

6 Loads of paper back books. Lonely Planet reckons you can swap with other tourists. But all other tourists are American, and I wouldn’t swap my Harry Potter 5 for his “How to be a Fat Thick Twat who Annoys the Whole Fucking World. Volume 5” by some inbred farmer that lives in a caravan and says “garbage” instead of “rubbish”. Sorry if you’re American, but it’s your own fault.

8 The most useful thing I brought to Ecuador is my 2002/ 2003 fixtures sheet for Liverpool Football Club. Don’t bother with one of those e-season ticket things. They’re expensive and nowhere over here has the software needed to view the matches. There is a good website where you can view all of the scores as they are happening. It’s called Planetfootball.com. Follow suit with your team of choice. Unless you’re a Chelsea Cunt (sorry ladies, that’s the only situation in which I ever use that word. Except for Arsenal Cunts. Or Man U Cunts for that matter), in which case, top yourself immediately. Sorry, it’s Ecuadorian law.

9 Internet Banking Info, I wish to God I’d sorted out internet banking before I left. Seriously, if there’s one thing you do before you go, sort out internet banking.

10 You might want to take comfort foods like peanut butter, chilli sauce, heroin, etc

11 A guitar, I don’t know if you play or not, but someone must bring a guitar. Sorry, it’s the law again.

12 One of those soft CD cases which hold about 50 CDs. Individual cases just take up valuable space.

13 Don’t worry about a money belt. You’ll never use it. My trick is to put my wallet between my immense six-pack and my belt, then fold a T-shirt on top (see picture in the safety section). The only problem with this is that when you get your wallet out, people will automatically assume you’re scratching your balls.

15 A watch, not a good one cos’ it will get robbed. Just a shitty Casio or something.

16 A pair of sunglasses. Although you can buy some sound ones here quite cheaply.

17 One of those ‘Pack-a-Mack’ things, Riobamba is quite hot, but the rain is mad.

20 A couple of magazines for when you’re bored. Or need to inevitably have a wank. Try to do this when your family are not at home. They won’t be impressed.

22 Insurance info, I’ve had to go to hospital numerous times and it’s only a couple of quid, but my mate had to have an operation on his knob (I shit ye not), and the bill came to about $700 or something daft like that. However, it was quite funny.

23 Copies of your passport, national insurance no, travel insurance no, return flight numbers, traveller’s cheque numbers, and most important, bank numbers. Leave at least one copy of each with your parents.

26 A walkman is a good idea, but don’t bring anything you can’t afford to have nicked.

27 A pair of walking boots is a good idea. Make sure you put that waterproof spray stuff on them before you leave.

28 You will need a camera. I opted for disposable ones cos’ I always lose stuff. These cost $8 in Ecuador. If you are a photography loon, bring what you need with you, cos apparently lenses and stuff like that are dead expensive. I don’t really have a clue about photography; I’m just quoting Lonely Planet here.

30 Warm clothes as well, cos it gets cold when the sun goes down. Think about it, in the day, you’re warm cos’ you’re on the equator. At night though, that’s irrelevant cos’ there is no sun. You’re just thousands of feet up in the Andes Mountains. You can tell I got my science GCSE can’t you?

31 As well as your main backpack, take a smaller one for school, or weekends away and stuff.

32 Johnnies, always a bonus. (Also, (Mariah speaking here) if you can get hold of it in England, bring some emergency contraception pills. There’s no chance of finding it here, as abortion is illegal. But that’s only if you’re as stupid as me!) Cease your infernal blabbering wench!

36 CDs that you like, but only ones you won’t be able to buy here. The selection of house music here is shite, as is the selection of my favourite blend of bizarre tastes like “Frank Zappa”, “Felix”, “The Monkees” etc.

37 Don’t bring any videos for classes, cos’ British videos don’t work over here.

40 That was it. Bring a pocket knife but put it in your main luggage or Customs will nick it, and you won’t get it back.

41 Moisturiser, no I’m not a pillow biter but when you’ve spent all day in the South American sun, you’ll need it.

42 Don’t bother with that teaching guide you get at the course, it’s fucking useless.

43 I don’t know if you wear gold jewellery or not, but don’t bring it here. I’m sorry but I don’t care if it was a present from your Nan before she died or something. The fact is that it will get nicked.

44 A diary or something. I brought a little book with blank pages that I’ve stuck photos, leaflets, phone numbers and stuff in.

45 A half decent bathroom bag that will last you for all the time you’re travelling. Mine is fucking class and it only cost me a couple of quid.

46 A wallet, cos’ you’re going to have to carry a lot of stuff with you, like your cards, passport copy, phone numbers and shit like that.

49 Malaria pills are available over here for about $1 each. You need to take 2 a week, starting 3 weeks before you leave, and finishing 2 weeks after you return. I didn’t realise this and took them the night before I left for the beach. I’m still alive though.

50 A Union Jack, for when you get bladdered and find yourself compelled to leg it everywhere screaming “God Save the Queen”.