2 - Stench

Primarily, you must remember that you are going to stink of shit for most of your stay. You will have farts that put your Dad’s to shame, and your shits will resemble your favourite teddy’s leg. People prone to particularly mammoth turds should take to carrying a shit-poke. You could copy me and improvise with the shower rail and a johnny, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

However, this is not a problem. As you will find out, nearly everyone smells in Ecuador, especially the indigenous (those guys who wear hats and ponchos). Remember, as Alan Partridge once said: “It’s not racism, it’s fact.”

You may think you’ve got a bad fart coming up like me this morning. However, be careful. It may be the sloppiest poo you’ve ever done. Also like me this morning.