Places to go

If I can be arsed I’ll draw a map, but I’m not promising anything. Basically, you just need to know that Daniel Leon Borja is the huge main road in Riobamba. After the train station, it changes to Avenida 10 de Agosto, but I will refer to it all as Daniel Leon Borja, just to piss you off. You can find most things you need on this road alone. You should be able to find your way around. Just remember the “barrio” (neighbourhood) where you and your friends live, so that you can tell taxi drivers. As with all cities, the best way to know your way around is to walk as much as possible. It’s quite hard to get lost in Riobamba after a couple of weeks of being there.

Riobamba has quite a cool nightlife. The best is probably La Vieja Guardia (Saturdays and holidays are the best nights, especially Halloween), it has a big balcony, where if you wish, you can stand up and offer the whole dance floor a scrap when you get absolutely steamed. Also good is Romeo (and Juliet), for a Friday night. Watch out for the fella who tries to sell you coke. Obviously you don’t tell him to fuck off, but just tell him you don’t touch the stuff (even if you do, this stuff will probably kill you as soon as it touches your nose, I’ve heard a lot of grim stories about dodgy Charlie over here). The San Valentin pizzeria is quite cool for pizza, meeting up and football. There is a bar next to it called, err I don’t know. But it is quite small, serves pipas (those mad Arabic pipes), and is cool for karaoke, which you will be heavily into by the end of your stay. However, this place tells lies. It says they have “Careless Whisper”, but they don’t. I reckon one of the best places for karaoke is Adrian’s which is opposite the Terminal Terrestre. When it is open, it has loads of fucking fine birds inside. Also good is a bar called 70’s which is a little bit out of the way. It’s just past the centre on the way to Chambo. Don’t know the address, sorry.

When you want to use the internet, there are a load of cafes in Riobamba. The best is directly underneath Hotel Zeus. Also good is Andino, a bit further towards the centre on Daniel Leon Borja.

For good cheap food, try the Monte Carlo café in the centre opposite Park Sucre. Do not get confused with the Monte Carlo restaurant round the corner, or they’ll rape you with the bill. Not literally, but it makes you think doesn´t it? There is a posh restaurant that’s not too expensive called Bonny’s or Bunny’s or something. Only went there once, it was alright.

My favourite place to eat in Riobamba is without a doubt “Los sabores d’Italia”. I don’t know the address, but if you look for the crazy museum building in the centre, you can find the restaurant by just walking round the building. It’s on a corner next to the Andinatel. There is another good pizza place called Monaco, which is past the English pub and first on your left.

A long time favourite with volunteers is Hugo’s (NOT HUGO’S II), which is right next to the Mercado Merced. It sells fresh juice, beer and sandwiches amongst other things. The fella who runs it is called Byron, and he’s a fucking lovely fella.

There is an English pub called Café Uno on DLB also. Well, it advertises itself as an English pub. The only English thing about this place is that it has a poster of Tower Bridge on the wall, so don’t get your hopes up; I’ve yet to find Stella, even bottled. Oh but the food here is really good.

There’s also a place on Daniel Leon Borja called Gens Chop, which is the only place in Riobamba that has draught beer (Chop) and is quite cool on the weekend. However, the only thing they sell is beer, no spirits, no water, no heroin, no nothing. Next to the Chop, on the corner of Duchicela is an off licence run by a weird guy called Jimmy. This is THE place to go for cheap booze, especially Stolichnaya vodka and that favourite of Ecuadorians – Zhumir. If you haven’t tried Zhumir, try it. Try it today.

The post office is on Daniel Leon Borja, right in the centre. It’s a big building with a clock above the door. To pick up mail, you need to bring some form of ID, your passport number and about ¢25. If you’re going to be here at Christmas, ask your family to send presents a month before or after Christmas; otherwise your stuff will get robbed by the twats in the post office.

I’m afraid there is no Mackie’s in Riobamba, but there is one fast food gaff. It’s called Gus and it does some nice burgers and chicken. You can even have a beer with your meal which is quite cool. It’s on DLB, a bit further down than the post office.

OK, there are a couple of places to stay if you’re going to Quito for the weekend. A nice place is El Cafecito, which offers beds in a dorm for only $6, 00 a night. Don’t have breakfast here though cos’ it’s well expensive. A dorm only consists of 4 beds, so try and get 4 people together, or you may wake up to the sight of a sweaty German called Claus trying to shit in your ear. The best place though is the Posada Del Maple. This place charges $6, 00 an night for a dorm bed (the dorms are a bit bigger here, normally 6 people) and a fit breakfast included, or $12, 00 for a room bed. You need to book rooms though. They have a cool lounge for just sitting off and watching TV all day.

There are a couple of good internet places in Quito. The best is probably the Frog bar, which has a big fuck off sign outside. You can’t miss it. Also good is SpiderNet, which is next door to the Frog, and up some stairs. Don’t eat here though cos it’s expensive.

Quito nightlife is fucking class. The Papillon club is a laugh, but it’s full of stressed executives trying to boogie down. They’ll teach you all the dance moves you need to know. How we laughed. (Update, it burned down the other week, sorry). Nobar is cool, its basically just poppy house with salsa, and a few school disco classics. Also, they take on workers if yer a bit strapped for cash. There is a restaurant above Nobar called Sutra though, which serves fantastic food at fantastic prices (But please check the bill cos they tried to rip me off every time I’ve been there. Oh and its good for throwing eggs at Chivas if you’re they’re going down Juan Leon Mera). You can get a 3 course affair for about $6, 00 or $7, 00. Aladdin’s bar is a good place to meet up. You can get pipas here for $3, 00 each. Stay away from the chicken kebabs here though. They’re fit, but they made me throw up violently for 2 days. This wasn’t as funny as it sounds, cos I threw up on a bus full of people. Well it was quite funny. There is a little curry house around here, I forget the name, Tandoori something. But it’s quite cheap, try the Phaal. There s a cool karaoke bar around here called Oxygen, quite a classy establishment with a good choice of English songs. All the places listed above are within a five minute walk of each other in the Mariscal area of the new town. But if you fancy going a little further a field, then try these places.

There are two British establishments for getting plastered in Quito. There’s the Reina Victoria Pub on Reina Victoria, which is ran by this big Ozzy fella. It’s alright, but I have too many dark memories. The only time I ever cried in Ecuador was when the barmaid said they had Stella on draught. Fucking happy days. She then corrected herself; she actually said they had stout on draught. I never returned. The damage was done. Also, there is the Turtle’s Head (oh! The joviality of the name!) of which I don’t know the address (Juan Leon Mera y La Nina), but it’s a massive yellow building with The Turtle’s Head written on it. This place does a couple of draught beers which are really nice, especially Tortugas. The best thing about this place though is the landlord. Now I am not, never have been, and never will be a buggerist. However, I would gladly suck this man’s cock. The guy is God. Put it this way. The four of us had somehow managed to work up an $80 bill. When my mates went to the bank to get more money to pay it, they were mugged by a gang of fifteen knob heads who I swear to this day I will fucking murder if I ever see them again. Obviously, they couldn’t pay the bill. The landlord basically said: “Don’t worry about it. Pay it when you can.” We had never seen this guy in our lives, but apparently, he “always trusts a Scouser”. Fucking hell mate, why?! Do us a favour guys please, before you come to Ecuador buy a copy of the Viz and bring it to the Turtle’s Head for the landlord, he’s got this mad obsession with Viz. Nice One. Oh yeah, the barmaids here are FIT. There is also a cool bar called Hunter’s, which does empanadas, ribs and huge beers at a reasonable price. Don’t know the address.

I don’t know if you’re into your footy or not, but either way, going to the National Stadium on a Sunday (kick-off 11:00am) is a must. I think it’s between 4 and 10 dollars to enter depending on where you fancy sitting. You can actually have a beer at a football match, tell me that’s not cool! Just take the trolley bus until everyone else gets off and follow them. Also good for a laugh is going bowling in Quicentro. This is the big huge shopping centre in the middle of Quito. If you have breasts, this is your dream come true. Sorry but all the birds I’ve been with have spent hours looking at shit they’re never going to buy. I got my revenge by searching for ages looking for any album by The Who. For some bizarre reason, nowhere in Ecuador (even Tower Records) has ever heard of The Who. Just a little bizarre fact there for you all. (Update, at time of writing, I didn’t know that Pete Townshend, the Who guitarist, fucks kids).

Despite Quito being the capital, this is without a doubt the biggest city in Ecuador. If you’re travelling to Guayaquil, be prepared. Guayaquil is the hottest, stuffiest place I’ve ever been to. It actually reminds me of Liverpool, but hotter. Everyone will tell you about the crime rate there. Admittedly, it is the highest in the country, but it isn’t that bad. Fair enough, I was only there for a day, but nobody tried to rob or pickpocket me. Take care anyway though. Keep your money in a sock or a bra or something. I’ve been told that it’s daft to travel in Guayaquil by foot due to the amount of street crime. Taxis cost $3 from the terminal to the centre. More information as I get it. If you’re flying with KLM and want to change your flight details, you can do it in Guayaquil. The KLM office is in the lobby of the Hilton Colon hotel (yes, it’s called Colon).

Before I continue, you may have noticed that Cuenca is situated in Azuay province. You must say this word as if you are a ninja in the middle of a flying kick to the bollocks. It’s not “Azuay”, it’s “Azoowaiiiiiiyyyyyy!!!!!”

Cuenca is Ecuador’s 3^rd biggest city, and it’s quite a cool place. We stayed in a boss hostel called Macondo (like in “One Hundred Years of Solitude”). The place was about $8 per person per night. This is probably worth it though, the biggest hotel rooms I’ve ever seen in my life. You get a free breakfast there, but just have some coffee. Why you ask? Because comrades, Cuenca has the legendary English Café. That’s right, full English breakfasts. It’s a boss place, I think the owner is called Dave or Steve or something. He seemed a nice bloke. If you’re up for getting pissed in Cuenca, there is a boss place called Wunderbar. The happy hour here is 11am till 7pm. You can also play pool here. After the Wunderbar, there is a cool club called Popeye, which is like going to a mad house party. The DJ was shite, but he played some classics such as “Shine” by Aswad and “How Gee” by American X-press, nice. Oh yeah, if you’ve read all your books, the Wunderbar and English Café have shelves of English and Spanish books to swap. Take care when walking back at night. Two fellas tried to mug me; it was the gayest thing ever. I hit one of them, he went down and his mate ran off. But still, I was probably quite lucky that they were such fags. Oh yeah lads, if you find a fit bird there called Maria Raquel, keep yer’ hands to yer’selves, she will be mine.

You will probably want to go to Otavalo market during your stay, good work fella. Its two hours away from Quito’s Terminal Terrestre by bus. It’s not worth staying in Otavalo for the night. Just stay in Quito and get the bus. Try to get there at about 1-2 pm, when everyone wants to just sell things and go home. A little advice, people will try to sell you things for silly prices. A GOOD Panama hat is no more than $8, 00 and you can get a shit one for about $3, 00. If you’re a rich bastard who is thinking of buying an ethnic 10 string guitar, I hate you. But don’t pay more than $70, 00 for one. Twat. Never more than $8 or $9 for a shirt / jumper thing, and even then make sure its top quality. Don’t freak out if someone asks for $30, 00 for a bracelet or something. Just tell them to fuck off and offer them $2, 00. Just cos’ they offer a ridiculously high price doesn’t mean you can only haggle to about 50% of that price. Some scatty woman asked my mate Tom for $40, 00 or something for a jumper, after telling her to fuck off; he bought it for $7, 00 I think. Even if they offer 1 centavo for a gold chain, it is the law that you must tell them to fuck off. Sorry, but you don’t want to break the law do you?

If you don’t plan on going to Baños, then you’re a thick fuck who deserves to be shot. This is the Embassy no. 1, the doner kebab, the Stella Artois the crème de la fucking crème of Ecuador. You can get buses here from Riobamba, but not the Terminal Terrestre, take a taxi to the Terminal Oriente. You need at least a weekend and a few mates to get the most out of Baños. The best hostel I’ve personally tried is called the Plantas y Blancas. It has a nice little rooftop café where you can get breakfast. Also, you can get beer, water and colas any time of day, by writing down what you’ve taken and your room number. It’s a trust system so don’t take the piss cos the people there are dead nice. Well, the owner spent about 20 minutes mopping up my blood one night without grumbling, no questions asked. Baños is pretty small so you won’t have trouble finding it.

In the daytime, get a few mates together and go horse riding, or rent mopeds or bikes. There are a load of activity agencies in Baños, but the best I’ve tried is a couple of doors away from the Plantas y Blancas on the same street. I forget the name, but it’s a salmon coloured building with writing all over the walls. (Update, the people there are cunts. We’ve just got back from renting quad bikes, which are a fucking laugh, $25 each. My mate Tom fucked up, and they tried to get him to pay $20 for repairs. The damage was a small scratch which needed to be repainted. The bizzies came in the end, and agreed with Tom, he was being ripped off.) Horse riding is a really good experience. I’d never done it before, but you pick it up really fast. It’s probably a lot more enjoyable though if you don’t have testicles. I haven’t tried the mopeds yet, but the mountain biking is really cheap and was one of the most enjoyable days I’ve ever had. You start off in Baños, and you can ride down to Puyo in the jungle, and then get a truck back. We just went half way, to a place called Rio Verde, where there is a fucking boss waterfall, which you have to pay 50 centavos to see. I can recommend this big time. If you do this, you must get the cable car across the mountain, about ¾ of the way to Rio Verde. On the other side is a national park. You can go trout fishing, and then some people will cook what you’ve caught. Also, behind the little café where you eat the trout is the coolest thing ever. It’s a little swing hanging from a tree, right on the edge of a mountain. Basically, you sit on the swing and jump out over the mountain with hundreds of feet of jungle beneath you. It’s fucking terrifying, but extremely cool at the same time. Photos are unavoidable when you take bikes out for the day, so make sure you don’t spend the previous night wasting your film on “funny” pictures of your mates dancing like gaylords, like I did.

I haven’t bothered with the white water rafting yet. My mates did it for about $30 or $40 each. They said it was boss, but they only had about half an hour or so in the water.

To eat, you MUST try the Buon Giorno restaurant, which has fucking great pasta and pizza served by a waitress with a spooky smile that reminds you of what Sid Vicious would look like if he was alive today and on Valium. God rest his smack head murderer soul.

In the night time, the Hard Rock café is alright, nothing special. My favourite place is probably the Leprechaun bar, which has great chances of pulling, great music and dancing and serves a mean Gin Campari. Also there is a fucking class place called Bamboo. It is basically just a house club, but I liked it. It’s $5, 00 for a Jack Daniels and coke, but if you ask nicely enough, (or aggressively enough) then the shitboy behind the bar will give you half a glass of JD with a dash of coke. Also, one of the barmen is this big fuck off man who looks like Pocahontas’ old fella. Kewl!

Alausi is a bit shit to be honest. However, there is a hostel a couple of kilometres away from the terminal (get the bus from Riobamba’s Terminal Terrestre). This place is run by one of my mate’s dad, called Victor Fiallo, you can ask the locals where Victor’s place is. Alausi is as dead as Liverpool’s Premiership chances, so there is no chance of going to a bar in Alausi. So bring a few drinks and a guitar and just chill in the hostel. A mountain river runs past it, very picturesque. Also good when you decide totally pissed at 2 in the morning that you must swim in this ankle high stream. In the daytime, you’ve got to take the train to the Nariz Del Diablo, which is fucking class. It’s this train that goes right along mountain ridges, and you sit on the roof. You can get it all the way from Riobamba, (get to the train station for 5:30 to 6:00 Sunday morning) but I don’t know if I could be arsed myself, although you’d be guaranteed a good seat. This is always full of tourists, and it’s the only place I ever met another Scouser. Try to get there as early as possible, cos’ it is fucking hard to find a place to sit. You should probably forget the idea of being able to sit with your mates. That’s about all Alausi has to offer. Oh, and my mate Dave reckons that there’s a fella who sells good quality crack there. Ask for ‘El Burro’.

Fucking hell, don’t you hate it when you’re trying to listen to a boss tune and the CD keeps on jumping? Sorry to be totally irrelevant but that well pisses me off. Anyway, Guano is a village a few kilometres away from Riobamba. It is also a word for bat shit. It’s meant to be famous for selling carpets. Riveting stuff eh? Never actually been to Guano itself, but if you take the Guano bus from Riobamba (somewhere near the main market) and go to the end of the line, you will come to Santa Teresita. This is a tiny village, but it has an outdoor swimming pool. At the bus stop, there is a road to your right which goes on for about a mile or so. There is a hacienda with a bar on the left hand side of the road which sells leather clothes. I bought a class leather cowboy hat. The swimming pool is at the end of the road and on your right. Er, that’s it.

Chambo is a small town about 7 or 8 km from Riobamba. You can take a cab for about $3, 00, but the bus is only ¢22 each. You must go to the Terminal Chambo in the city centre to get a bus to Chambo.

Chambo is home to the infamous child killer, Moises Oswaldo Fiallo Escobar. He is known to the locals as ‘El loco’. You might spot him riding around on a motorbike, wearing a footy shirt and an insane grin. Stay away at all costs. Only joking, he’s a dead nice fella in one of our classes.

If you can find a taxi in Chambo, ask to go to La Pampa. This is a bizarre, low budget theme park. Put it this way, the ‘log flume’ is a bathtub on wheels that you push up a hill, jump in and ride through a puddle of shit. Contrary to what you may think, this is actually quite an enjoyable day out.

Oh, and if you’re into walking and stuff, can’t say I am, but Chambo is boss for that. Apparently you can walk right along the mountain ridge.

You will probably meet Carlos and Jorge Larrea; these are sound fellas, cowboys as it happens. They speak fucking boss English and they are just off their fucking heads. You want to go to their house in Chambo cos’ they have at least one party a week. Jorge has one of those hats that you can put two tinnies in, and drink through a straw. Genius.

Not much to do in Chambo. There is a footy pitch, but you have to climb over the railings to play. For amusement, the locals like to fuck pigs. (Legal note, not really).

Montañita (Guayas province) (4 to 5 hours to Guayaquil, 2 hours to Santa Helena, 1 hour to Montañita)

OK, this is a town on the coast which is a fucking nightmare to get to, but it’s worth it. There is a shit load of tourism there, and there are times that you really feel like you’re in that film, “The Beach”. Still can’t make my mind up if I liked that or not. You’ll have to try surfing, which is easier than you think, but still quite tricky. The best bar is called the Peyote, which has good music, good drinks and Jenga. The owner is cool too, he’s a big fella called Jorge, dead friendly. Unfortunately, this gaff is shut during the day. There are hundreds of restaurants, and they all have more or less the same menu; fish, seafood, pizza, chicken, empanadas and steak. The only one that sticks in my mind is a small place on the beachfront with a chalkboard outside, ran by some old hairy fella who wears Daffy Duck vests. Oh, and the Funky Monkey serves bacon butties.

Again, hostels are pretty samey. We stayed in the Casablanca for the first night, which was very good but quite pricey. There is also a nice smaller place on the beachfront for $5 a night. It’s a white and blue building, with a sandwich board outside. It’s well cool, cos’ the old woman who runs it will go to the shop for you, without commission, Paddy likes.

Don’t forget to take your swimming shorts or bikini. Shorts over there cost at least $10. I bought a pair for $14 and lost them that night whilst skinny-dipping.

I can’t believe I was there for four nights and I can’t write any more. There isn’t much to say really. There is one bus stop which is easily found. Traveller’s cheques can be changed at some shop, but there is no bank. The nearest is in La Libertad which is about an hour away by bus, so take all the cash you’re going to need. Oh yeah, don’t forget to wear your sun cream, you will burn to fuck otherwise.

When you go out at night, don’t expect another night in a British club. Drugs are a no go in general. Come on, you can wait 6 months to get off your tits again can’t you? My Ecuadorian mates even reckon that weed is bad. Although I have had a fella try to sell me some coke in the Romeo; I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Also, don’t believe what people tell you about not getting hammered; everyone in Ecuador gets pissed. As you may or may not have heard, everyone will think you’re fit. But lads, if you want to go on the pull, you have to put the work in over here. Girls expect to be asked to dance, and although you will probably cop off on the first night, native girls usually wait a lot longer over here to go further (like marriage longer). Unless you can be arsed with sticking with her for a few weeks, shagging is normally a no-no. Girls, I don’t know about your sex life and it’s none of my business, but lads don’t expect to get shagged when you cop off. And I don’t care if you’ve got a face like a dog’s arse, you will get whistled at by the Dirty Sanchez’s. You will feel like a bit of a prick, cos’ the Ecuadorians can really dance, but also be safe in the knowledge that you could pull any bird / fella in the club if you wanted. FEEL that ego increase!