I can begin to explain love first by addressing jealousy. Jealousy could be accurately described as insecurity. But, for our purpose here lets call it anger. It is anger based in fear (as is all anger). All anger is about control. (We're angry at the copy machine, for instance, because we have no control over its' behavior.) We want something to be different than it is. Why? Because for some reason we are afraid of things not being the way we want them to be.

That fundamental desire for control, and for self being in control, is at the very root of our Western Culture's idea of romantic love. We find it every where in our literature, movies, love songs (i.e. baby I need your lovin, got to have all your lovin -- I can't live if livin is without you -- etc. etc. etc.) Those songs, ironically though, are not about the object of our passion -- but rather about us!

This is where the dichotomy exists. If "I" am the most important part of my love relationship and I think only of ME then the relationship is obviously doomed.

 And, yet, if I become so co-dependent upon the other that I completely lose my identity then the relationship is equally failed. Under closer scrutiny though -- when that happens the relationship is still about "I". It's masked in that I seem to be so lost in the other that I don't exist. Whereas in reality what happened is I made MY possession of the other the most important thing in the relationship, and thus, even though self has been lost "I" is still selfishly seeking control.

If our egos are fed by someone and they make us feel strong and smart and sexy, and we appreciate them because they do whatever we ask, and they allow us to do whatever we want -- that is not loving them. It does not recognize the uniqueness or worth of the other person. Only their value to us -- because of how they make us feel. We could substitute anyone else who was willing and achieve the same result. Loving someone because they have similarities to us or because they become extensions of our ego is -- once again -- a round about way of loving ourselves. And, we would find ourselves very lonely in the end.

So then -- what is the proper model? My opinion is that "true" love of another is a state of being rather than an act of doing and is not predicated upon the actions of self or the other. It can never be lost. Even if the other's actions become so intolerable that we can no longer be with them it is never lost. This being true -- if we truly love ourselves -- and are truly "In-Love" with someone else we have no choice but to "set them free" --or rather -- recognize they are already 'free' totally separate individuals from ourselves.

You can't give to someone else what you haven't achieved in yourself. It isn't them we have to give freedom to -- first it is ourselves.

Truth and Potential

The human animal has the peculiar ability, unlike the other animals, to recognize the difference between how we are -- in truth -- and how we can be potentially. This knowledge is the state of being the Hebrews called "sin". All actions, desires, passions, frustrations, are attempts to make up the difference or outgrowths of our failing to do so. The Western culture has perverted the concept of sin into the actions and desires instead of a state of being. The unconditional love of "Christ Power" brought redemption because it balanced the difference, giving the recognition that one will always be somewhere short of potential and allows flexibility and peace in the balance between the two.

In love we recognize not only our own truth and potential -- but the truth and potential of the other. We must balance our desires and actions against the desires and actions of the other, not attempting to superimpose our requirements upon them, recognizing their freedom to pursue dreams and act for themselves -- and regardless of the outcome we stand as a shelter for them to return to and accept them for their truth and not their potential. In doing so we find balance in our love.

An American tourist found himself in a village in India at the time of the pilgrimage to the top of a sacred mountain. He decided to join them in the experience and had no doubt that he could make it to the top since he was in perfect physical condition. Yet on the journey, after only twenty minutes he was out of breath and could hardly climb another step. He noticed women carrying babies and old men with canes were progressing effortlessly. "I don't understand it" -- he said to his Indian friend who had sponsored him there. "How can they continue when I cannot?" His friend replied "It is because you have the typical Western habit of seeing everything as a test. You see the mountain as an enemy and therefore you must defeat it by climbing it. So -- the mountain fights back and it is naturally stronger than you. We do not see the mountain as our enemy. The purpose of our climb is not to reach the top but to become one with the mountain and so it lifts us up."

It is a paradigm shift.

My question is -- why is it wasted time? I'm sure there was a point in the relationship when things got so bad that one or both really needed to make a move to get out of it -- and probably some of that time was wasted -- but, was all the joy at the beginning wasted time? Just because two people have gone as far as they can with a relationship and one has decided that moving forward is not possible does that make the initial attraction and affection just a lie?

Sometimes the one that knows the relationship has to come to an end doesn't want to make a move -- so they do things to precipitate a breakup by the other person to avoid being the 'bad guy' -- and then unfortunate things happen up to the point of cheating and affairs.

This is all painful stuff I know -- but -- wouldn't it be better to focus on the positive things -- like (x years) were really good -- and this other person chose me -- from everyone else available -- to spend this time with ? And -- I now know a lot more about relationships and giving and receiving love and I'll be ready to share myself again someday and THAT person is going to be really lucky to have me because of who I am and the things I've been through in my life.

I think women tend to take breakups harder than men because of a misplaced value that still exists in our society on female virginity -- and that is really, really, sad.

I may want to look for a one-owner car if I'm buying a used vehicle -- but if I'm picking a life mate I want one that is at least as reasonably mature (and that means in life experience) as am I (I don't want to raise one -- I have children to raise) and knowing her way around in the bedroom would be a bonus as well.

There is no reason to consider any relationship wasted time -- every one is a gift -- because you did have good times together and you now have the benefits and wisdom of that relationship to grow with and move on to the relationship that will be 'right' for you.

Bear in mind though -- every relationship comes to an end in some way or another.