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From: Mark & The Mighty Spazmataz
Date: Mon 07 Sep 1998 - 15:10:49 IST
Bandito John...
I got your email about sending my missive to the rest of the enlightened
degenerates on your cobbled-together list, and it's perfectly okay with me and
The Mighty Spazmataz (He's my retarded, hilarious, product-of-kitty-incest,
arrested-development-at-3-months idiot Zen cat who I've been taking care of
since he popped out of his five-month-old Mommy's rear end and flew through the
air---a placenta-soaked oversized cocktail wiener swinging on his umbilical
cord---into a resounding head-first THUNK against the bamboo wood frame of my
cheap 70's bamboo/jungle-print-cushions couch five years ago while I was
watching Steve Martin's "The Jerk." Talk about auspicious beginnings...). And
that's just the barest finger-nail sketch of the whole nimrod story.
Let's just say that Spaz has his own hysterical, moronic World View, and I'm
better for knowing the dipshit cat and playing our catalog of Dumbass Retardo
Games ("Hide, Seek & Ambush" being a mutual favorite, of course; imagine a 180
lb. man silently hiding behind the bathroom door gleefully wide-eyed waiting to
ambush a 10 lb. cat who's silently hiding behind the bedroom door gleefully
wide-eyed waiting to ambush the 180 lb. man, and you get the gist of our
highbrow maturity levels). Spaz is truly a Bandito Cat. I'm glad to have the
shithead....
Right! Whatever!
Anyhoo, the real point of this is to ask you to forward this considered message
to the folks on your list (and possible future others).
Now, your assessment of the two basic camps is stunningly spot-on. Those who
have, and those who don't. Those who DON'T have, WANT... and those who DO have
rightfully don't want to GIVE AWAY or SELL, as regards the rare natural wonder
that the few existing copies of this book comprises. Sort of an impasse, isn't
it? (I mean, those who have HAD know the agony of lending & losing this
masterpiece, and those who HAVE --previously folks who HAD, LOST, and REGAINED,
and don't want to LOSE AGAIN-- don't want to give up a valuable commodity, even
if it has no actual value in the Big World.) ... Hell, that was almost like a
description of Capitalism...
So, for two days, I been thunking about the situation...
The story is thus:
I possess two copies. Through miraculous measures and threats of harsh
physical punishment, I have managed to selectively & repeatedly lend out,
lose, reclaim and eventually hold dear to my original copy from 1988, which I
first read while on a jolly good trip to look at various New England colleges
during my senior year in high school (I still think I learned more from the
damn book than I eventually did while IN college, but that's a debate for
another space/time bar while imbibing whatever helps this whole Crock of
Insanity make more sense).
My second copy I tracked down in Manhattan many years later to a homeless
book "vendor" on the sidewalks of the Lower East Side, who occasionally set up
his rickety table just to the left of the NYU 14-story tower library (the
irony of seeking out a dipshit out-of-print novel from a homeless man on the
sidewalk OUTSIDE of one of the largest collegiate library collection of books
in the Western world was not lost on me). My friend Charles had told me he'd
seen it, and I kept looking for this fellow for weeks (Manhattan sidewalk book
vendors set up shop in MANY places in the city, so there's a wonderful mystery
quality to ever finding them again, see?).
Finally, after many weeks, one lovely Spring afternoon Charles and I are
on one of our walks through the Village and lower Manhattan (the LEAST
EXPENSIVE way for two "monetarily-distressed" friends to enjoy Manhattan --
just walk around and observe the madness and make jokes), and Charles tells me
that he thinks he recognizes the man, the homeless phantom vendor of books.
The one he thinks has a copy of C.B.
I look through the raggedy collection of books, and then light & sound &
horns: There it is! After all those years of thinking that I'd never see
another copy, Glory Be...
The man's pencil-written price inside the cover is $4, but he's no dummy;
he can sense my desperate need and gratification over finding this one book,
and haggles me; refuses to let it go for less than $30. No problem. I give him
a twenty, and we're both happy. Money very well spent.
Now, HERE I'm finally getting to the point of what I was thunking about:
the messages I've already received that express a desire for a copy of the
book. I truly understand the desire --the NEED-- to have this book, which
should be pretty clear by now.
And I have an offer, John, that I would like to put forth to those who
want copies...
After much consideration, I've decided that I'm willing to sacrifice one
of my copies of C.B. for the higher good. See, the one that I bought in
Manhattan is hurting, with a crippled binding (but with all pages intact).
Though I've taken good care of it over the years since I aquired it, I'm
willing to do this:
Kill the binding and make copies of the book for anyone who wants to buy
them.
Woo-hoo, color me Mother Theresa, yeah yeah yeah.
Point being, if anyone is interested, I'll mangle my intact second
original copy of the actual book in the interest of making "copier" copies for
anyone who wants one. I'll even try to get a full-color copy of the cover.
My first block in coming to this decision, of course, was the horror at
the thought of killing one of my two "babies." My brief second block was
realizing that I'd be breaking copyright laws if I did this...
But then, I thought that Our Narrator, Jose, High Pockets, Robert and the
rest of the crew wouldn't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about breaking
silly copyright laws, and my decision was made.
So... that's the situation. If people express an interest, I'll do it,
and they can buy a many-worlds-copy from me for a reasonable price yet to be
determined, as I don't know how much it will cost me to make a copy of a whole
novel. I'm hoping not much, if I judiciously use contacts. Maybe $20-30 or so.
I'm not doing this to make a financial killing, mind you. And if there's
enough interest, I may look into spanky professional spiral bindings. Yeehaw.
If anyone's interested, or has design ideas, feel free to contact me for
further quizzling at [email protected].
If not, that's okay, too! I won't have to mangle one of my protected
copies of our shared minor obsession.
Otherwise, Bandito Buddies -- be well, have a good day, shower regularly, and
check for ticks once a week. The important stuff...
Sincerely,
Mark & The Mighty Spazmataz
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