Other Ethnics 2

The Pastor and the Parishioner

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times.

Finally he took out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back, and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he counted the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was written "Genesis 3:10."

Rev. 3:20 "Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Gen. 3:10 "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

Contributed by Lillian Haisila

HEBER AND THE POPE

Many years ago, the Pope decided that all the Mormons had to leave Rome. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Mormon community. So, the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Mormon community. If the Mormon won, the Mormons could stay. If the Pope won, the Mormons would leave. Realizing they had no choice, the Mormons picked a young missionary from Idaho named Heber to represent them. Not able to speak Italian very well, Heber asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side could talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Heber and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Heber looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his figers in a circle around his head. Heber pointed to the gound where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Heber pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up! This man is too good. The Mormons can stay."
Afterwards, the Cardinals, gathered around the Pope, asked him to explain what had happened..The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all aound us. He responded by pointing to the gound and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile the Mormon community and all the missionaries had crowed around Heber. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Heber, "first he said to me that the Mormons had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. He told me that his whole city would be cleared of Mormons. I let him know we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know." said Heber. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Contributed by
oliana tuia-fiso

Bungee-Jumping Service in Mexico

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea,so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?

Contributed by
Winze

WHITE HOUSE FOE

One day, Chelsea surprised her parents by bringing a nice young man home and announced that they were getting married. Her dad asked the young man what his name was and he said: "Drew Flowers". The President was so shocked that he called Chelsea to his private office and explained:"Sorry, honey...Drew is your half brother so therefore, you can't get married." His daughter was so angry and hurt but broke off their engagement. Another 4 months passed, and again, Chelsea brought another young man home. She again informed her parents that she was planning to get married and again, her dad asked for the fiance's name.
The young man answered:"Roy Hopkens, sir." Anxiously, the President took Chelsea on the side and hopelessly told her, "Honey, I'm sorry but Roy is also your half-brother...you cannot marry him!" Feeling so hurt and alone, Chelsea cried into her Mother's room and sighed:"Oh Mom, what am I to do? It seems that almost every boy I bring home is my half-brother!" Hillary looked at her daughter with a smile and answered soothingly:"Don't worry, Chelsea. You can marry any boy you want because your Daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy don't know!"

And so.........anything else without hope may find hope where least expected......Yo Conscience......Queen of LaiePark....

Contributed by the Queen Of LaiePark

Troubles with bats

Three Pastors in the South were having lunch in a diner. One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

The Funny Bone

Three worst Persian torture tests

A man is out in the Persian wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Persian torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Persian torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Persian torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

Anonymous contribution

The Blind Rabbit and the Blind Snake

There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see.
The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit was happy to know what he was.
He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are." The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."

Anonymous contribution

Some Drummer Jokes

Q: How can you tell a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up and gets louder.

Q: What was the last thing the drummer said before he got fired from the band?
A: "Hey, guys, I've got some songs, too..."


Anonymous contribution

The Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

Contributed by The Funny Bone

The guy in the bar

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing! "He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

Contributed by The Funny Bone

The Experiment

A science teacher set up a simple experiment to show her class the danger of alcohol. She set up 2 glasses, one containing water, the other containing gin. Into each she dropped a worm. The worm in the water swam merrily around. The worm in the gin quickly died.

"What does this experiment prove?" she asked. Little Johnny from the back row piped up: "It proves that if you drink gin you won't have worms"

Anonymous contribution

Why are Black people so tall?

Why are black people so tall?

Because their knee grows [negros].

Anonymous

The porch Painter

Barbara the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Barbara,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Barbara.

"Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks OK?" Barbara asked.

"Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 15 minutes later, Barbara knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Barbara replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Barbara. "oh, and by the way," said Barbara, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Anonymous contribution

The Expectant Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" Asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."

Anonymous contribution

The Priest and the Rabbi

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?"

Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?"

Man replies, "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replies, "I committed adultery."

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says "Once."

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

Anonymous contribution

The New Teacher

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up. After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

Anonymous contribution

Gas Pain

Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.

"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"

Anonymous contribution

When Hell Freezes Over!!

A farmer from Utah dies, but, unfortunately, there are a few more debits than credits on St. Peter's ledger and the farmer goes to Hell.

Two weeks later, the Devil is making hi usual rounds and discovers that the farmer isn't that uncomfortable in his surroundings. He asks the man, "What makes you so happy to be here?"

The man replies, "This is just like when I used to plow the fields in June."

The Devil decides, "I'll fix this farmer," he goes back to the thermostat room, finds the temperature at 104 degrees and the humidity at 78%, and cranks it up to 122 degrees and 88%.

When he checks on the farmer again, he's standing there very contented. "This is just like pulling weeds in July," the farmer says.

Back goes the Devil to the thermostat, and he runs it up as high as it can go -- 140 degrees and 98% humidity.

Still, when he sees the farmer, he's just sitting there happy as a clam. "This is just like working in the silo with my friends in August."

That's when the Devil sees the light. He goes back and rams the temperature control all the way to the left, knocking the temperature to 13 degress below zero and turning everyone's sweat to frost.

The Devil throws a heavy coat on and goes to check on the farmer. He finds that the farmer is now dancing around and yelling.

"ALRIGHT!!!! The Jazz finally won the NBA Championship!"

Anonymous contribution

A guy in a pub

A guy comes out of a pub and is drunk. He sees a nun and immediately lays into her. He punches her in the face and kicks her to the ground until she is left there groaning. As he walks off he calls back:

"Not so tough now, are we Batman?"
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The Funny Bone

Dwarf lady at the doctor's office

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

"Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!!"

"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"

To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

The Funny Bone

Woman with sex problem

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

The Funny Bone

"On his death bed..."

An 80 year old man was lying in bed dying. The doctor said he had minutes to live. His first and only wife was by his bedside to hear his last words:

"Honey, do you remember how when we got married, I was a cheerful, handsome, wealthy man? But soon after we were married, I lost all my money on bad investments. Never-the-less, you stayed with me the whole time. Then my first business went bankrupt, and we lost everything we had. You didn't leave me. You were right by my side the whole time. And now I've had a long sickness, which has used up all our savings. I'm a wrinkled, grouchy. old, poverty-stricken, dying man. You're still by my side! So, with my dying breath, I just want to say three little words to you, (With his dying breath) YOU'RE BAD LUCK!!!"

Anonymous contribution

Walking On Water

One day there were four men in a boat -the Pope, a Methodist Minister, a Wesleyan Minister and Joseph Smith (the first Prophet for the Mormon/LDS church).
Anyway the boat was sinking so they decided to walk on water to get to the nearest piece of land.
The Pope volunteered to go first. Unfortunately he sank as soon as he stepped out onto the water.
The Methodist Minister went next. He too sank and drowned when he stepped out of the boat.
The Wesleyan Minister went and he made it successfully to the piece of land.
Joseph Smith went after the Wesleyan Minister and he too made it to the piece of land. On his arrival the Wesleyan Minister asked, "Did you use the stepping stones under the water?"
Joseph replied, "What stepping stones?"

Contributed by Fobby Fran, Sydney Australia

Married 9 times

"I have been married 9 times. Let me tell you what's wrong with each... My 1st husband was a MUSICIAN. All he wanted to do was play with it. My 2nd husband was a DOCTOR. All he wanted to do was examine it. My 3rd husband was a POLITICIAN. All he wanted to do was make promises to it. My 4th husband was a PSYCHIATRIST. All he wanted to do was talk to it. My 5th husband was a PHOTOGRAPHER. All he wanted to do was take pictures of it. My 6th husband was a POLICEMAN. All he wanted to do was keep it under lock & key.

My 7th husband was a HAIR DRESSER. All he wanted to do was tease it. My 8th husband was a GOURMET. All he wanted to do was taste it. My 9th husband, and last. Is the one I'm married to now and I like him best.. He's a MECHANIC. He tore it up the first night, and he's been working on it ever since..

Contributed by J.T.
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