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April 27, 2003 Dear Diary, Praise The Lord and Glory To God! I am so very happy right now you cannot imagine! Why? Just because I know God loves me and Jesus died for me! That's it. That's the only reason. No, my husband has not returned, nor have I even spoken to him since last Tuesday, but that is okay! I have so much faith in My God, Our God... I know what I know what I know, and nothing the enemy can throw at me is going to change that. Cursed is the man that puts his faith in man, but blessed is the man that puts his faith in the Lord. That says it all. I had an awesome weekend in NJ! I was a bit leery about going, but I should know by now that every single time I think I don't want to do something... that is the enemy telling me not to do it! God spoke to me so much this weekend, in so many ways, you cannot imagine how very blessed I feel. And I am being driven to share it with you all because His message was not just for me, it was for all of us! First, I started my long 6 hour drive to NJ with a bunch of Bible Study CD's from an online marriage ministry that I belong to. I spent the entire 6 hour drive there immersed in God's Word, and prayer, and learning more about Jesus, and why I/We have been called to stand! At one point, the lady on the tape asked "Who is going to restore your marriage?" And I looked up, and there on the highway was a sign that said "Lord Ship" I have made that drive from Mass to NJ back and forth more times than I care to remember, but I have never ever seen that sign. I praised the Lord. The 6 hours went by in no time, and I was actually a bit upset because I still had 7 other cd's to listen to! :) Before I went into my friends hose, I said a little prayer for God to bless me, and send me in with the Holy Spirit, because I knew my friends were going to ask questions regarding my situation, and I wanted to be able to effectively and eloquently speak God's word to them. They are Jewish, so this I knew was going to take some careful handling. Praise The Lord, my friend Deb listened very interested, and actually seemed open to everything I was saying. I told her the reason I was telling her everything, and sharing God's word with her was so that when my restored marriage came to pass, she could see that it was s God and Jesus said. On Friday, I had nothing planned for the day, so I decided to visit the downtown area that I used to work in. I had thought about visiting old friends, but my motives were not right. I thought about visiting them for my vanity. "Wow, you look great, you've lost weight..." and things like that. So, before I left the house I asked God "Take me where you want me to go, I will listen to you." That's when I ended up in Downtown Red Bank. I went into a music store and began looking for Christian CD's. I had this strong feeling that there was something downtown that I had to get... there was something that God was leading me to. I did not find any CD's in the music store, but just as I was leaving, I heard a line from the song they were playing on the loud speakers. "He's coming home to me, so find your own man." I just sorta looked up and winked to God. Then, I started walking to the end of the block, and was going to turn around and head back to my car. Something told me to go further... okay, maybe what I am looking for is that way. I went down the street, and turned right. The last time I had been walking on that street was with my husband over 3 years ago. I went down a couple of blocks, and again, something told me to turn. I was now on a street I had never been on and was just a little hesitant.. I didn't want to get lost. But I went on. There was a little outdoor cafe, and they had music on. It was an old song, that I sort of cringed when I heard it. Abracadabra, by Steve Miller. I used to love that song, but have not listened to anything that was not Christian music in a very long time, not even Bon Jovi! But, as I tried to hurry past the cafe so as to not hear the song, the next line jumped out at me. "Turn this heart of stone into a heart of clay..." or something like that. I stopped on the sidewalk and gasped. Praise You God, thank you. When I finally got back to the main street, I was going to cross to get back to the side my car was on. Something again told me to stay where I was and walk on that side. Ok, God, I will. As I got nearer to my car I looked up across the street to a store front sign that I would not have seen had I crossed the street as it would have been right above me. "RESTORATION HARDWARE". Again, I stopped right in the middle of the sidewalk and Praised God. Had enough yet? Well, not me. I finally got to my car, and headed back to my friends house. I wanted to stop for a coffee, and thought of several little places I could go to before getting there. AGAIN! I felt the urge to go to this very difficult Dunkin Donuts in the middle of the highway instead of a place with an easy entrance. Inside, the song was saying "Baby Hold on To Me..." I can never Praise The Lord too much, right? PRAISE THE LORD! Ok, so I am back at Deb's house, telling her all about my afternoon. She of course, thought I was crazy, but that's okay. Again I told her she'll see when my marriage is restored how very crazy I was not. Now I was debating about a play I was supposed to g and see with her. She actually owns a theater company, and I used to do theater for her when I lived in NJ. The play was an original production, and she had told me the story line was very intense. No one under 17 was being admitted.I didn't know if I should go see it or not. I didn't want to disappoint my friends, and all of my old friends that were going to the show to see me, but I was not sure if God wanted me to see it. Finally I said I would go. Well, one of the first lines of the play? Are you ready? Are you sitting down? You should be, cuz your at the computer... "The prodigal has come home!" It was all I could do not to start clapping right then. In the play the fact that the prodigal came home was nothing to clap about, but I was one happy person. I spent the rest of the night watching this dysfunctional family, based on a true story, go through heck... and all I kept thinking every time something came up against them was that they did not pray, and if they turned to God, nothing else would matter. A lot of my old friends from NJ knew about my situation's and asked how I was doing. I cold not have answered them more joyfully and excitedly! I am doing GREAT Praise The Lord! I heard a lot of "Well, if it's God's will..." and "These things happen." I had no problem saying "I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and I know that God is calling on me to pray for my husband, and he will be home one day." I know they all probably think I am a bit daft... I don't care. Again, when it comes to pass, how much more will we be able to Glorify God! Especially with all of these people that are concerned for me now! LOL The more people that know about my faith in God, and think I am crazy, the more will see the power of faith, and God's word when it does come to pass. So! That was my Friday! Praise The Lord! Then today, on my 6 hour drive home, and I just feel so pumped! I have so much faith in God. I don't care what the enemy shows me or tried to throw at me. There is such an awesome comfort in knowing that this is all in God';s hands. I can, without hesitation thank God, right now, for the restoration of my marriage, because I know that it is done. I just have to wait for it to come to pass. I am so thirsty for God's word... there is not enough time for me to read all of the books in the Bible that I want to read, and when I read over certain parts, I learn new things. So, all I want to say to you all is to very simply... BELIEVE. Believe in Our Lord God. Know that He is working. I now know what Jesus meant by "If you ask that this mountain be cast into the sea, and you believe with your heart that it is done, it will be done." Before, I prayed, and HOPED it would be done, but that little glimmer of 'what if' was always there. NO MORE. I know what I know what I know.... I have felt for a while now that God was working in a mighty way in my life, and that there is a miracle coming our way. I continue to STAND in the gap, not only for Steven, but for all of our spouses and loved ones... because the reality is, we're not just praying for our marriages to be restored, but for our loved ones very souls... they are living in sin right now, and away from their one flesh.. they are trying to dissolve the covenant they made before God. May we all continue to pray for the Holy Spirit to touch them and for them all to turn to God, and then to their families... because with God first, everything else will fall into place! Praise The Lord! And I hope that this message of inspiration, and of hope gives every single one of my fellow standers more strength to continue to stand, regardless of the circumstances. Praise God, and Thank You Jesus! I can't remember feeling this good even when my husband was home! I remember when he first left, I thought how I could not live without having him in my life, without knowing that even though he was not at home, he was coming home... now I feel that way about My Lord God. I cannot imagine in a million years living without HIM! If I had a thousand tongues I could not praise Him or Thank Him enough. Thank you Lord, Thank You Jesus! God bless you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 29, 2003 Dear Diary, I should not be here at the computer right now, but I felt compelled to write, so I am following my instinct, which I have figured out is God, because there is something I need to put down in words. Do you know that there is no such thing as coincidence? Nope. No such thing. Coincidence is about as real as the tooth fairy. Have you ever heard the words “Everything happens for a reason?” That does not only mean major things, like the fact that I lost my job two weeks before my husband left. God puts things in your path for a reason! Just like He directed me to the places He did on Friday. It was all to show me His will! God talks to us. No, the room does not have to light up, and you don’t have to hear an orchestra of angels singing, but He still talks to us. Do you realize in how many different places in the Bible it says “Show Me Your Will Oh Lord.”? Well, now, why would he direct us to ask that, and not answer? Every single day I ask God to show me His will for my life, and every single day He does it! There have never ever been any contradictions, or faltering in what He is calling me to do, which is Stand not only for my marriage, but also for the soul of my spouse, and for every single person that is away from God right now! It truly burdens my soul to think of all of the people that are not right with Him. There are even Christians that I know that need to get closer to Him. They are all who I am standing for. I refuse to let satan just walk away with the plunder. Something that I have noticed the past few days is a firm KNOWLEDGE of what God is telling me. People challenge me at every turn. They are not trying to be mean… most of them think that they are looking out for my best interests. But not once have I even questioned myself. I know what God has said. Think of it like this. Look to the left of this web page. What do you see? Butterflies, right? Now, what if someone came into the room while you are reading this web page and said, “Oh, those are kewl flowers on that page.” WHAT? You know they are butterflies, and nothing that person says is going to change what you know. It’s not an abstract picture that you have to try to figure out. In the Bible it says that once you put your faith and trust in God, you will have peace. That is exactly what I have. Peace, because I know what He said, and I know what He wants me to do. I will STAND and wait. There is so much for me to do. Now I am sort of hoping that I have enough time to do all God wants of me before my husband comes home! As I said in an earlier post, Jacob can thank me today for promising to take him to Florida in 2005, regardless of the fact that there is a lot of work to be done to make that trip happen. This is how I feel about my husbands returning home. Last night he came to see Jacob, and I had to run his sunglasses down to him. The back of his car was all filled with stuff that he had taken from our home, so Jacob had to sit in the front seat. I told him he could put the stuff in the basement so he did not have to drive around with it, and Jake could sit in the back. He said he was taking it with him. Taking it where you ask? To Jen’s house. Now, see… before I put my trust in The Lord, and my Savior Jesus Christ, that probably would have crushed me. In the least I would have come upstairs and cried. Nope… not a thing. I just knew, ok, this is something that has to happen to bring God’s plan to pass. Do I like it? No… just like I would not like having to work all kinds of extra overtime in order to pay for the Florida trip… but I know I have to do it to get there. Same diff. So, I tell you all, without doubt, that my husband will be home. When? I don’t know, God has not marked that off on my calendar… but it will happen. When it does, will you review your faith in our God? Will you stop and listen to Him, and see what he is trying to say to you? I tell you, my situation looks impossible for the world’s standards, and the world has given me all kinds of routes I could take. The world even looks right to the Bible and points out the ‘escape clause’ for divorce. “Except in the case of sexual immorality”. You know what? I don’t care what the world says. Because He that is in me is GREATER than he that is in the world. Did people think Noah was crazy for building an ark when it wasn’t even raining? Yep, but look what it got him. Did people think Elisha was crazy when he tried to burn an alter that he had drenched with water, just to prove that his God was there? Yep… but He did it. Because He had faith, and knew what God had said to him. Did people think Daniel was nuts for willingly going into the Lions Den as punishment for praying? You bet. They knew he was going to be ripped apart. And what happened to Daniel as a result of his unalterable faith in The Lord? They opened the lion’s den, and there say Daniel, with the lions, unharmed… but the very next person to go into the den was mauled and killed by those very same Lions. I am in the Lions den, waiting patiently for God to open the door. But you know what? It nice in here. Because God is with me. Did I ever think that I could be so happy and at peace with my life 9 weeks after my husband left me for another woman? No… but that was because I did not have God. You know, I see now all of the opportunities I had prior to this. Those times that Steven said he wanted to leave, and tried to. If only I did what God called me to do then. Instead, I prayed and cried when he left, and when he came home, I thanked God, and went on about my life. Not good. God has to be an integral part of my life, your life, every single day, regardless of the circumstances. Cursed is the man that puts his trust in man… Blessed is the man that puts his trust in God. There is nothing that can happen to me that will change that trust. Even if I were to be like Paul and Silas in prison, being chained, I would do as they did, and praise God! Why? Because whatever I am going through is part of God’s plan, and it will all work out for good as long as I trust him! I love God, and I love Jesus! Praise The Lord! Ok, I’m done for now! Toi
Thursday, May 1, 2003 Dear Diary, Can I say I love God too much? Never!!!!! I love Him, and how faithful He is! I wish I could explain to you, or bottle this, and give it to you. I wish I would just be able to tell you how to have faith in God, and let Him work in your life! It is such an awesome thing! He is AWESOME! Praise The Lord! Today, I had to walk to pick Jacob up from school, because I let my dad borrow my car to go to Boston. Well, on the walk, again, something told me to stay on the side of the street that I was on. Okay, God does not have to tell me twice. As I walked, I talked to God. I came up to a cleaners, and when I looked in the window, there was a wedding gown. I guess it was there to show that they clean them or whatever. When I saw it, I got this little flutter in my heart, and the very next thing I looked at was a sign at the next building that said God Bless… High Five To God Almighty! Then I continued to speak to him regarding some things He ahs shown me. I asked Him to let me know that these visions were really from Him, because I have an expectant heart about them. I sat in front of Jacob's school and prayed about this. When I was done, I just sat there quietly, waiting for God to speak to me. I started looking around for something, because I didn’t want to miss it. Then I stopped and said to myself, “Nope, if God wants me to see it, He will put it right in front of me.” I bent my head, and Praised God, and when I looked up, there was a man walking past me from my church! He walked past, and closed my eyes and Praised God again, and when I looked up, the man was gone! Honestly! Gone! Then, while standing around all of the other parents when the bell rang, one of the other mothers said, “Prayers have been answered!” I wanted to turn to her and say something, but I was too astonished! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE JESUS! I’ll come back later and tell you more about the expectant heart thing! Have faith in God, and nothing will harm you! No weapon Forged Against Us Will Prosper! Praise The Lord! Toi
Friday, May 02, 2003 Dear Diary, You know, I’m sitting here, and it’s 5 am, and I am just so amazed at the change in myself. Don’t you even doubt that God can do anything, ok? I was just remembering that day 9 weeks ago that I sat across from my husband, after I had gone to Jens house in the middle of the night. I remember how hopeless everything felt. How much it hurt to say to him “I am sitting across from my husband, and I cant reach out an touch him.” I can very much remember how it felt for my heart to break again and again and again. I could have killed myself it hurt that much. I think the only reason I did not was Jacob. But then again, I recall many other times in my life when it looked hopeless, and I thought I wanted to die, but there was always that little voice in the back of my head that said “As long as you breath, you have hope.” Then I remember the night I began to pray, and how it felt to think, “Maybe, just maybe, there is a little hope.” And now how I feel. I feel like jumping up and down all day long screaming at everyone“ There is hope for you too! Just believe!!!!” I can’t explain why it was so easy for me to take this ‘leap’ of faith. I wish I could, so that you could do it o, regardless of what is going on in your life. I say ‘leap’ because I really didn’t feel like it was a leap. It sort of feels like standing on the edge of a cliff, and realizing that you are going to fall off and hit the bottom so very far below, and having your heart beat, and being scared to death. You feel like there is nothing to do but fall, and you panic. Well, during that panic, I happened to look to my side, and there was a very sturdy path for me to walk on. Duh! Why didn’t I see that before? I hear I was, getting all nervous! That is how I feel. God has always always been here waiting for me to look over at him. I was talking to Jacob the other night. He was asking why I don’t watch TV anymore. I told him because there was really nothing on TV that Glorified God, so I choose not to watch it. He said, “You’re making me sad Muma, because nothing I watch glorifies God… so do I have to stop watching TV?” I told him no. I said “If you continue to pray to God, and read His word, and really trust Him, He will put it in your heart when you are ready, and then, those shows wont interest you anymore. And you will not want to watch them. I have been trying to explain that to others around me. Every single person I seem to come in contact with is either having marriage problems, or knows someone that is breaking up. When I say “Pray… turn to God” they look at me funny. “Well, I’m not sure I want my husband anymore anyway, so it doesn’t matter.” But that’s not what I am saying. If you, anyone, just turns to God, at any point in time and says, “God, I can’t do this, will you help me?” He will put the right things in your heart, and you will want them. So, the wife that says she doesn’t think she wants her husband anymore will one day look at him and her heart will do one of those butterfly jumps, or she’ll remember what it felt like to be in love with him, and want that again. God’s commands are not burdensome. I don’t remember where in the Bible that is, but it’s there. And it’s true. When you really want to please him, it doesn’t bother you at all to follow him, no matter how much you think right now that it will. I have another friends, whose cousin is in the process of divorce. The wife is apparently in need of some serious prayer. My friend was saying to me “God can’t change her.” ??!?!?!?!??!? WHAT?! I could not get it. God cant do what? He, who made the heavens and the earth can’t change whom? Of course he can. Sure, she look like a real loser right now, but giving in to that appearance is doing exactly what the enemy wants us to do, give up on her. Then he can have her, and her husband, and possibly her kids. “She’ll never turn to God for anything.” Well, I told her, she doesn’t have to. Her husband can pray for her, and slowly, God will change her heart, and guide her on the path He had for her when she was born. Maybe one night when she is getting ready to go out drinking, something will suddenly come over her and she’ll just decide to stay home. It would be gradual like that. But we have to see her the way Christ sees us.”When I think about what a loser I was when I did drugs, and stole from people, and did so many other horrible things to get drugs… well, what a waste. Can’t even imagine how many people looked at me and said, “Don’t even bother.” I thank God that He never gave up on me. And I will not give up on anyone else. Now, I am not saying that a wife that is being beaten by her husband should stay with him in the home, and run off to a corner and pray between beatings. Maybe it would be best that she stay away from the situation, but she can still turn her life over to God, and let Him work it out. If she does that with real faith and trust in Him, that abusive man will get to the point where he not only never ever raises a hand to her again, but actually honors and reveres her the way the Bible calls for a man to do for his wife. Expectant Heart. I mentioned that before. I have an expectant heart. Praise The Lord, cuz it’s not something I consiously try to have, it’s just there. Have you ever been aware that something good was coming? Doesn’t matter what…. Say you were going to a family reunion, and knew you were going to see your favorite aunt that you have not seen in years, and your heart gets that flutter. Or say you are going on a vacation, and as the day draws closer, you get more excited about it. That is an expectant heart. And that is how I feel right now. I’ll be walking around through my day, and all of a sudden it will occur to me “My husband will be home one day.” And I get those flutters. God is awesome! It really pains me for all of those that don’t know that. Sure, there are some that say, “I believe” but then go about living life their way. That’s like saying, “Yep, gravity is real” but insisting that if you flap your arms long enough and hard enough, you will fly. Ain’t happening. When teaching Jacob about prayer the other day I said to him, “Imagine how you feel if there was someone you loved very very much that never ever talked to you, never mind believed that you loved him. That’s God. He loved you more than I do, and that’s a lot, and it breaks His heart when you don’t talk to Him.” It breaks God’s heart when we don’t realize that He is there for us… not just for moral support, but really there for us, and will help us. He’s just waiting for us to turn to Him, and ask. I am going away this weekend, so there may not be another update until Sunday. Again, I am going to make a long drive on Saturday night so that I can get back in time for church. LOL. It’s going to be tough, but the idea of not being able to go and Worship God irritates me. But that’s a good thing.
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