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| Monday,
May 05, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, I’m not sure what kind of day today is… quiet I guess. This weekend was a bit strange for me. But let me start with Friday, which I did not get to update because I was on my way to NY. First, I had to go to the Naval Base in Newport to pick up the rest of the money that Steven was giving me. I felt pretty good on the ride up there, listened to Christian music, which, by the way, is very good! Anyway, I got to the bank where he told me to meet him, and waited. I sat there looking around, and started thinking ‘This is not mine anymore. I am not part of this anymore.” And God said “I will return your land to you.” I don’t know what Bible verse that is, but I know it is in there somewhere! So, I almost started crying, just because I am so awed when God talks to me. I praised God, and asked him to please soften Steven's heart to me, just let him tell me to have a safe trip or something, anything. When Steven came to the car, he gave me the money, and said, “Drive carefully, ok?” He could not get away from the car fast enough for me, because I was ready to just bawl! On the way home I was crying a lot, and praising God! “You gave me exactly what I asked for! Thank You!” And know what He said? “Rejoice in the Lord, and He will give you your hearts desire!” That I know is Psalm 37 verse 4! Then I stopped in a grocery store to grab some things for the trip, and there was a song on “You’re the object of my desire!” I love God! The ride to NY was pretty good. Jacob and I listened to some bible study tapes, and talked a lot. At one point, it started raining wicked bad, and Jacob wanted me to pull over. I mean, you could not see ANYTHING! But I was scared to pull over because there was not much of a shoulder, we were on a mountain, and I did not want anyone to hit us. So I just prayed that God would get us through the storm safely. And Praise The Lord, he did! The weekend with my cousins and aunt was cool. I have not seen them in years. They sorta picked on me because of my ‘new religion’ and they found themselves correcting their language a lot, but that’s okay. I love em anyway! (Hi guys!) But I felt far from God there. I know that sounds strange, but I don’t know how else to explain it. And I knew it wasn’t God that was not with me, but something about me that was not with Him. I kept going out to m y car and praying, and reading my Bible, but still I had that far away feeling. I had it all day yesterday too, even though I was home. Today has been a bit better. I had to really get into His word, and pray. But anyway, I feel much better now. I will be back later to share some more with you. Have a great day! Toi
Tuesday, May 06, 2003 Dear Diary, Ok, today is turning out to be a very difficult day. I just have not felt quit right since I came home from NY. It’s not that I question God, or my decision to stand for my marriage… just today it seems so much harder. I have cried, and prayed, and cried some more. I don’t know why today seems any harder than any other day. I keep thinking about the Psalms, and the many verses where the Psalmist says they are growing weak. That’s how I feel. Weak… not weak in faith, but just weak. I know I have to wait… I know there is a lot of work for God to do on me… I have known that every day… just today seems so much more difficult. I just keep repeating that God will not forsake me, and that when I am weak, it is then that I am strong in Christ. I feel another really big cry coming on, like the one I had Easter Sunday. I know one thing that is scaring me is Mother’s Day. I am scared that it going to go by with no acknowledgement from Steven. I know that is a thought of the flesh, and I am trying to deal with it, but don’t let me fool you, it is not easy. Me
Wednesday, May 07, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, now…I know exactly how easy it is to goof up! I knew that before, but for some reason thought that maybe I was beyond that now. Nope… sorry, wrong answer. I spent a lot of yesterday feeling really yucky… I guess sorry for myself would be a better way to put it, though I was trying really hard not to. Steven came for Jacob, and they ended up hanging out here at the house. I had a prayer meeting last night, like I do every Tuesday, and at one point I heard Steven tell Jacob that he had to leave at 8:30 so he would be dropping Jacob off at the church then. I said, “You can’t, he can’t come to the prayer meeting.” There would be no one to watch him, and if you have ever been to a prayer meeting, you know that people’s attentions are turned to The Lord, and there is no way a child with Jacobs personality could sit through that. Anyway, he repeated again that he had to leave at 8:30. Why I asked. He said, “I just have to leave at 8:30.” I could feel it coming, but did nothing to stop it… so I said “And when did you get a curfew?” Do I have shoestrings hanging down my chin? I should, because that’s where my foot is. He, of course, got miffed, and then cocky. I knew immediately that I should not have said that. Not because it was going to miff Steven, but because that was not of God. That was the enemy, who I let in by feeling sorry for myself all day long! I apologized, and tried to make it better, but the more I tried to talk to him, the more belligerent he got, and the more I wanted to say that was not from God… so I just left and went to my prayer meeting. I did call him and leave a message on his cell phone apologizing again. I felt really horrible. He was not here when I got back, which was about 9:30. He asked Brenda to keep an eye on him, so I did not have a chance to say I was sorry again in person. But boy, did I do some repenting last night. I can’t believe I did that. Not the words… those were actually mild for the old me. What I can’t believe is that I let myself get so off track. I had this funk hanging over me all weekend, and I allowed that to take my focus off of God. Well, hopefully, that lesson is learned, and I won’t have to repeat it. My dad always said the only bad mistakes are the ones you don’t learn from, and the ones that you repeat. Today is going to be an exciting day I think. I have a social worker from the Department of Social Services coming over to inspect my house. There is a little girl whose grandmother I attend church with, that needs a foster home. I had been looking into becoming a foster parent, and he made a few phone calls, but never went far with it, until I spoke to this woman about her grand daughter. This little girl needs a lot of love. She is going through a lot of what I went through as a child, and I believe that in some way, God has a plan for me to help her. So I am excited. Mind you, she comes with some issues… she has been diagnosed as bi-polar, and at times can become very angry. But I know that if she ends up being placed in our home, it will only be because God is going to use me to help her. Praise The Lord. Something I forgot to share is how God does provide for our every need. Did you know on the 1st, when my rent was due, I had no money? Steven was supposed to give me money, but every time in the past, there has been some reason or another that I have not been able to get it. Did I worry? Nope. I gave it to the Lord, and knew that He would take care of us. I received my money on time to pay my rent. Also, my electric was supposed to be shut off some time last week. Steven had said he would take care of those bills right now, so I gave him the shut off notice, and he said he would call to make arrangements. Before he even walked away from the table I wanted to take the bill back and say “Never mind, I’ll do it.” But I didn’t. I knew God wanted me to trust in Him. It was very difficult, but I did it. I was telling a friend of mine the other day how difficult that is for me. I am so used to being in control. I might not have the money for a bill on the day it is due, but I would know exactly WHEN it would have it, from what source I would have it, and when I was going to pay it. There were many times that I went to Steven, exasperated and overwhelmed by the bills, and just shove everything at him and tell him to deal with them. And no longer than a day later, I would take them back because I could not handle it. So, this instance was a true test for me. I wanted to be in control again, but had to leave it at the cross. Praise The Lord! I did, and I guess you know that since I am here on the computer, my electric did not get shut off. I even had to battle myself and not allow myself to call Steven and remind him to call them, or ask him if he did. Oy… thank you Lord God, for changing me, and molding me into the person You want me to be. I can now see what it means to honor your husband, and respect him as the head of the household. It doesn’t mean you have to shake and quiver whenever he speaks to you, but respect him, something that I have been lacking for a long time. I pray that God continues to work in me, through me, and on me. Thank you Jesus. I’ll be back later, after the DSS social worker has left. Toi
Thursday, May 08, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, Jessica is coming to live with us! I am so very excited! We got to meet yesterday. It wasn’t planned, but I asked the social worker to bring her by, and let her meet us, so at least she would not feel like she was just being plopped off somewhere again. It was very obvious that she does not like her social worker, and I am not too sure if he likes her. It was also evident that she has some issues, but a part of me feels like they are issues that have been placed there by other people. She mentioned that her math teacher yesterday told her that there must be something wrong with her as far as depression goes, because she was not concentrating. I told her not to let what other people say bother her, but her social worker said he disagreed with me. He also told me a red flag goes up when people start talking about religion. Well, I never talked about religion… I said, “If Jessica comes here to live, I know it will because it is God’s will, and therefore, everything will be okay.” I know that it will be difficult, but that’s all right. Yesterday the enemy did not want me to go to my bible study again… and I have, as I said before, come to realize that the second the thought comes to my head that maybe I’ll stay home, that I HAVE TO GO! And that was what happened first. I thought that maybe I would stay home and get things in order for Jessica. Then I thought, No, I could do that tomorrow during the day. So then Brenda and I decided to order dinner out, and the driver got lost. We ordered the food at 5PM from a place only 5 blocks from here, but they did not get here until almost 10 past 6. I knew again that something was trying to keep me from bible study… so I ate my food quickly, and jumped up to pick up my niece and nephew, who have decided that they wish to attend bible study as well! Praise The Lord! Anyway, the whole Bible study was about prayer! It was so good. It was taught by another man from the church, not the pastor, but I liked him. He said God was going to work a miracle for someone, and one of the little older ladies turned around and looked at me and said, “That’s for you.”She is so sweet… every single time I see her she tells me how much she loves me. I meant to get her number from her yesterday, so that I could call her and check on her. I know she lives alone, and she is just the sweetest thing. Then the instructor, his name is Russell, talked about why some people don’t have victory in their prayer lives. He said there was a study done that indicates most Christians spend about 30 minutes A WEEK praying! Oh, my gosh! I was dumbfounded, until I realized that up until about 10 weeks ago, that was me. Now I pray all day long, in the morning, at night, in the car, everywhere. He also said that victory in prayer comes with belief and faith. Kewl. But the best part of his teaching was about signs and wonders. He read a few verses from the Bible about prayers, and believing, and then indicated how signs and wonders will follow those that believe! Praise The Lord! I love God! I love Jesus! You know what? I love my life!!!!!! Yes, I do… because it’s God life, and God is nothing but glorious! Also yesterday, I felt the need to go to a Christian Bookstore again. So I found one here and Jacob and I went. Jacob picked up a couple of things, including a little book about a boy that lives during Biblical times. I thought that was good for him, to help him gain a better understanding of Our Lord God. I grabbed some bumper stickers for my car. That was a bit difficult for me. I kept thinking, “I’m not sure I want to put these on my car.” Then I realized that the only reason I have the car is through God’s mercy, and who am I to NOT proclaim Him? So, I bought 4! LOL… one says Praise The Lord! One says, “God is dead… NOT! I spoke to Him this morning” another says Jesus is The Light, and the last says, “Jesus is The Truth.” But the really kewl thing is this little bear that I bought. I almost didn’t even see it, but just before we went to cash out, the little stuffed animal caught my eye. I went over, and there were little angle bears, and prayer bears, and off to one side was this little purple bear. He was the only one. (Purple is my favorite color) Well, not only was this little guy purple, but he had a butterfly on his belly. So I bought him to put in my back window. When I got him home, I noticed that his tag told a little story about The Eternity Butterfly. It said how the butterfly symbolizes the life cycle of Jesus: The caterpillar represents His earthly life The cocoon represents the tomb. The butterfly represents His resurrection. Well, Praise The Lord and Glory to God! From the first day that God has given me signs, it was a butterfly, remember? And the butterfly represents His resurrection! How could I not believe?!? Oh, Lord, I pray that every single person that reads through this web site is able to thirst for you, and come closer to you! I pray that they would see how someone as small and insignificant as myself can be altered by Your wonderful love, and that You are there waiting for them too. How all of this joy and happiness is theirs as well, if they would only claim it! In the name of your precious Son, Jesus Christ, who died to save US ALL, Amen, and Amen. Toi Later, Okay, remember when I had said that I decided that there is no such thing as coincidence? I found a very interesting site today… coincidence? I think not! It talks all about signs and wonders, and how to recognize when God is talking to you. Check it out here. I’m waiting for Jessica to arrive right now, so I’ll be back later hopefully. Toi
Friday, May 09, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, Jessica is here, and I love her! So does Jacob! She is so sweet, and really, just needs to be loved. We told her yesterday that this is her home! Period. That she will not have to leave unless she wants to, but we will never ‘send her away’. She said she gets really sad when she thinks she has found a family, and then something happens that she can’t be with them. I see so much of who I could have been as a child in her, and my heart just breaks for her. I am so thankful that God brought her to us. We talked for a good long while last night, and she cried and hugged me. At first, during the day, when I said Praise The Lord a few times, and my friend Brenda sorta rolled her eyes, Jessica laughed as me… but when Brenda left she told me that she really does believe in Jesus and God, and then she recited this beautiful poem that she had written about Jesus! She said she just felt embarrassed. I told her not to worry about what other people thought, because even though they may roll their eyes, anytime some is ‘picked on’ because of their faith in God and Jesus, from Heaven they are blessed. I paraphrased a bible verse, which I cannot remember right now, but it is in the Bible. Then we had a long talk about… are you ready? God talking to you! She brought it up. She wanted to know if God would ever talk to you in your dreams! Remember what I said about coincidence! She had a dream about Jesus, and she said when she saw Him, her heart filled up, and she started running, and then she fell down, and He said to her “You will be okay.” And then she felt like she was floating. This is truly a very special little girl, that needs only to be loved… not looked at as a paycheck, or a burden, but as a child that needs love. I told her as of yesterday, she is a part of this family… period. She is very excited about getting her room set up, and this morning gave me some ideas that she would like to do in it. I am excited for her. And now, are you ready for this? You cannot imagine who she looks like. Just like… Jen! I kid you not! A few times when she was lying on the couch, and I looked over, for a split second, I thought it was Jen. Praise The Lord! Why am I praising the Lord, you ask? Because, looking at this little girl that needs so much love, and being able to relate her to Jen, helps me so very much in my forgiveness of Jen. This is something I have been struggling with. I could SAY I forgave Jen, but it just didn’t feel quit the same as when I know I forgive Steven. There was still some small little piece of unforgiveness that I was holding on to. No more, Praise God! Jessica has helped me to see Jen through Jesus’ eyes… again, as a child of God that needs to be loved. Doesn’t mean I want her to receive my husbands’ husbandly love, but that I can and have now forgiven her, and really mean it with my heart when I ask God to help her too. I love God and Jesus! They have been so good to me! I told Brenda’s mom last night, “If you are faithful to Him, He is soooooooooooo faithful to you!” I love watching my life now that it is in His control. It like watching a movie, and every time something happens, I get all excited, because I can see His hand over it! Praise God!!!!!! I love my life! I love God’s life! Okay, enough rambling for now! I pray that you have a great-blessed day in Our Lord! TTFN! Toi Later Dear Diary, More signs and wonders! Praise The Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I brought one of my marriage ministry books with me to read while sitting in my car waiting for school to let out. I was thinking about when God has shown me we would see a miracle, and how much I trust Him and love Him. I then read a bible quote that said “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” And something struck me about that scripture, so I thought I would memorize it. When I went to check what verse it was, it was Romans 8:28!!! I know, this has no meaning for you, but it means a lot to me! 8 = August, correct? Our wedding anniversary is August 28!!! Which, by the way, is around about the time God has indicated that things would start happening in earnest! I praised the Lord and could not stop smiling. Not just because the revelation made me happy, but knowing that God has chosen to speak to me in such a special way! But, wait… am I ever done when you think I am? NOPE! Jacob came out of school, with this little bundle of something wrapped in newspaper. He handed it to me and said “Happy Mother’s Day.” I got ready to rip open the paper he had wrapped it in, but something told me to be gentle. So I was. Inside was a little wicker hat with butterflies glued all over it, and ladybugs! I started to cry, and told Jacob thank you. Then I looked at the inside of the paper he had used to wrap it in, and it was all of the wedding anniversary announcements! Praise The Lord, Glory To God! I love EVERYONE! I’m telling you… you cannot imagine the peace and joy I have in my life! Just knowing that God is looking out for us, and has everything under HIS control! I feel like a baby all wrapped up nice and cozy in a blanket, without a care in the world. I was talking to Brenda’s sister last night, about God, and she indicated that she prays every single time before she goes to Bingo, but never wins. I tired to explain to her that loving God is not just about praying when we need something or want something. She said that she also thanks God for how well her daughter is. (He daughter has had many trying things happen to her, and Praise The Lord, is a blessing of a little girl). But still, I tried to explain, God needs to be your EVERYTHING first… not just about thanking Him when things are good, or praying when things are bad… but we need to acknowledge Him every single day in everything! I mean, I see a cloud, I thank God… I see a bird, I thank God… my dog licks my face, and I thank God. Don’t get me wrong, I am not walking around all day long saying “Thanks God” all the time (I say Praise The Lord a lot! LOL) But seriously, I just acknowledge in my heart that it is through Him that all of these things are possible, and made to come to pass. It is not by my power that anything happens for me or to me… it is by the Grace of God, and His mercy! And the more we love and acknowledge Him, the more He shows us of His grace and mercy! Here is another instance of God working, and providing for all of our needs in every way. My telephone and cable was supposed to both be shut off yesterday. Well, Praise God, they are not. Now, I did not just sit here on my duff and pray that God would make my bills disappear, but I prayed that He would provide for my family and me. I then called both companies to try to work out payment arrangements. I, however, was not able to make payments on either account yesterday, as they wanted me to. I cannot do that until next week. But by the grace of God, neither has been shut off. Also, and this is a biggie… I received a notice to appear in court on the 15th for larceny by check… no, I have not passed out yet. See, what happened was during Christmas time; Brenda and I went out the day after Thanksgiving to do our annual Christmas shopping. I had about $2000.00 put away for Christmas, so I ended up spending almost $700 at Wal-Mart. The money was there when I spent it. Then, I am not sure what happened, but when that check went to go through, I was short by like $20.00… all of the other checks I had written went through, but somewhere I lost twenty dollars, and that one bounced. Ok, I was not fretting. I figured they would deposit it once more, and I had my paycheck going in in a couple of days. Well, dag nab it… it bounced again. Then something happened with one of our cars or something, and I was happy that the check bounced, because that left the money in the bank so we could take care of that. I knew I would take care of the check, so I was not worried. Well, this week turned into next week turned into next week, and so on. I did call them at one point in January to see if I could send them so much at a time… I wanted to send then like $377 this month and $377 the following month, but they would not accept that. Not that I blame them, or think that in any way I am not responsible for this. I know that I am. The circumstances that surround it have nothing to do with the choices that I made. Well, then my husband left, and money became even tighter. I kept seeing the bills for it when I would look through everything, but there was nothing I could do about it. So, I received this notice in the mail. I think previously I would have been petrified. Me? Go to court? Larceny by check? Oh my gosh! Am I fretting? No… I will put the notice in my Bible, and pray about it, and give it to God… and then walk into court with the armor of God on, and know that everything will be okay. That does not mean I think the judge will look at me and decide that he is going o dismiss everything and I am free and clear. No. It means that I know because I have given it to God, He will turn everything to good for me. Maybe the company will accept payments from me. I don’t know. But I am not worried. I will tell you this though… I will be A LOT more careful when writing out checks of that amount, if I ever do that again! Praise The Lord! Toi
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