 |
|
 |
| Here I
have decided to post only my recent letters to Steven,
because well, we all know that I love him very very much,
and have chosen to STAND for my marriage, as is my right
through Jesus Christ and The Lord. So this will be the
letters that I either have written and sent to him, or
written and not sent to him. I'll let you know which is
which. The newest ones are at the bottom.
March 10, 2003 Listen, I did some thinking last night, and came to a few conclusions that did not occur to me before. One, I realized how, in so many ways, I took you for granted. I am so very sorry for that. I never ever thought that I was that kind of person, but I guess that's one of the big downfalls of getting so comfortable. Jacob began crying last night, because he wanted to talk to you, but could not get through to you. Please, if nothing else, give him a call from wherever you are to say goodnight to him. The longer this goes on, the more real it is going to become to him, and the more it will hurt him. So we have to make sure we minimize that as much as possible. I enrolled him in Sunday school yesterday, and they will help him through a lot of this, but no matter what, he needs to know that his daddy is always there for him, no matter what. My next observation is about you. Please Steven, look at me when you are here. Your inability to look at me pains me. It tells me that you hate me that much you cannot even bare to look at me. I will not cry. I spent most of the time Jacob was gone praying, and giving my problems to God. He has blessed me with many things right now, one of them being that for the most part, my eyes have dried up. I want to be your friend, if that is what you want. But I cant do that, nor believe you want that, if you cannot look at me. I hope that one day we can sit down and talk. Not for me to try to convince you to come home, or for you to hurt me, but for us to be able to identify where things went wrong, so that we can both avoid this ever happening to either one of us again. I know it probably means little to you right now, but I am praying for you. I really and honestly do what for you to be happy, and I want you to understand that. By the way, this message had nothing whatsoever to do with bills, but I figured if I didn't put something like that in the subject line, you would not have read it. I'm still not so sure you read it now, but I can only hope. Take care of yourself, babe.
March 13, 2003 Dear Steven, Again, I feel the need to write to you. First, you know I am so much better with the written word than I am with speaking them. And secondly, I am not sure that you want to hear me speaking them anyway. But I have a need to say them, and I hope you will hear them, even if it is through written words. I have done a lot of soul searching this past week and a half. Again, doing the "What did I do?" thing to myself. And the conclusion that I have come to is not one that I particularly like. I have seen in my minds eye so many times that I treated you badly, or took you for granted. I did not treat you as the husband that I loved and adored, but as something much less. You cannot know how horrible that makes me feel. I can see now all of the instances with Jacob where I made comments that were unnecessary. I can see all of the things that I said and did that were not said out of love. I am so very sorry Steven. I have sat hear reading through all of the letters that we sent to one another while you were in boot camp, on the cruises... and the book of "Love Letters" from the marriage retreat. (By the way...we got something in the mail from them yesterday... talk about irony.) I read your letters to me, and yes I cry. Not just for what I have lost, but also in a lot of ways, for what I never knew I had or was too stupid to see and appreciate. In one long letter you referred to a train going down the tracks at breakneck speed. You talked about the scenery that was going by. You said "I want to be able to absorb it all with you! The sights, sound, smell and textures. The feelings, the awe, the inspirations gathered from the experience. Everything, the whole package. As if it was laid out on a table for us to view, touch, play with or use in whatever manner we choose." "I cant stop the train from barreling down the track at breakneck speed. I want your help! No one else will suffice. You’re the one I want, no body else. If I can't do it with you, then it's not worth doing at all. I'd rather crush at the end of the line having not seen the view. So I hope you’re prepared for a long ride. All you need is the willingness to come aboard. Hopefully you'll take those couple of stairs onto the platform and ride my train with me (fingers crossed.) ALL ABOARD!!!!" I messed that up. I was either too busy doing everything else to hear you call me aboard, or I was so comfortable in the knowledge that you would not leave without me. But I suppose you got tired of waiting for me. And now here I am, standing on the empty platform, watching the train leave. And I am not aboard it. I want to be. You cannot know how much I want to be, how much I regret not having paid attention. And now I have to explain to Jacob in some way that will make it okay for him, why Muma missed that train. (Man, he will be really upset if I ever use that terminology!) Steven, I see so many ways that I did mess up. I respect you, but I never showed you that. I didn't treat you like my partner in this life, but like someone whose only job was to learn from me, because of course, I knew that I had all of the answers. I was wrong. Now I think that I don't have any of the answers. If I would have shut my mouth for a few minutes, and listened to you, and what you had to teach me, things would be different. If I would have accepted so many things that I thought were unacceptable. I see so many of the arguments that we had that were my fault. Why couldn't I just shut up?!? And I don't mean to just give in, but to not make it the big deal that I did, like the deodorant fight. Like they say, hindsight is 20/20 and there is no better quarterback than a Monday morning one. It's like we tell Jacob about his toys. You have to take care of them if you don't want them to break. I dint take care of my toys. And now it's broken, and no one is going to buy me a new one or fix it for me. It's a discontinued line, only one in the world, and I broke it. You cannot know how much pain that causes me, and how very deeply sorry I am for that. Not just because it's gone, but also because I caused someone else pain in doing it. You. I am so very sorry. Steven, you know that I love you with all of my heart. I still do, and I will always. Because I love you like that, it hurts me more to think of all of the ways and all of the times that I was so very very wrong. Now when I cry, it's not because I feel like you have hurt me, because I have let go of whatever pain that was. I cry because I hurt you. And I am so very sorry. Toi
March 30, 2003 (Not Sent) Dear Steven, I am writing this letter with the knowledge that I will not send it to you. But I need to in the least feel like I can talk to you. I miss you so very much babe. You cannot imagine how hard it is to get into our bed at night, and know that you are not going to be there. I am so sorry for any hurt that I caused you. It breaks my heart when you are here and you seem so very angry. I miss seeing you smile, and hearing you laugh. I miss the smell of you, and feeling you breath. I miss doing things for you. I just miss you in every single way. I miss things about you that I never ever thought I would miss. I worry about you. I want to know that you are not only okay, but also happy. I pray for you everyday, many times a day. You may not believe, but I do, and as it is written in the Bible, a husband is saved because of the faith of his wife. So know that I will never stop praying for you, and for our marriage. I believe in my heart of hearts that you will return to Jacob and I one day. And when you do, it will be so much more than we ever expected. I know that everything happens for a reason, and one of the reasons for this situation we now face was so that I could come closer to God and Jesus, and devote myself to them. In doing that, I am also helping you, Jacob and Jen. And everyone else in my life that needs it. God is holding me up through this. Though many many times I am weak, and breakdown, like now... He comforts me. I know He is watching you, and trying to break through to your heart. I pray that you will listen when He speaks. I've just recently started having dreams about you. Just where you give me a kiss and tell me that you do love me. All I can do is hold onto that, and wait for it to happen in God's time. I love you babe. More than you will ever know. Because I love you, I am willingly letting you do this. I have chosen not to pressure you, or beg you, or ask you any questions. This is something you must go through. This is something that I must go through, and sadly, that Jacob must go through. Because I cannot hold you in my arms and comfort you, I pray that you allow Jesus to comfort you. I told you once that you would see, hear and feel things that you would not understand. That is God, looking for you, trying to bring you home. I will be here for you when you do come home. I love you Steven. Your Wife, Toi
May 16, 2003 Steven, I just needed to email you again to say I am sorry for the things that I said last night. Those are all things that 'in the flesh' I want to do, but, as I am putting this all in the hands of God, I will trust in Him, that His will be done. I am still not getting an attorney, but I guess I will be representing myself pro se, I think. I have not even quite decided if I will even go to court that day. It wants to break my heart, what's going on here, and sometimes it feels like it will. But my heart is guarded by God. I know you can't understand my position, but I will continue to pray that you will. I know at some level, you do, but when that knowledge beings to come to you, you shut it off. When you suddenly find yourself thinking about this whole thing, and the reality of what is going on, you make yourself go the other way. Just like you said, you do everything in your power to NOT think about it. That's okay. I know that one day that will change, and you will see. Steven, when we married, I made a vow, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do we part. Like I said last night, I can imagine that this is the worse. I did not say for as long as you think you love me, or until it gets rough. Before God, till death do us part. Yes, I made many many mistakes, I know that. You said last night that I did the same thing. No, I didn't. I was tempted, but remembered then my vows. I thought I didn't have the 'right' kind of love for you when all of that was going on. How could I, when I was listening to what someone else was trying to tell me? My love for you never left, I just allowed it to be buried under what the world was trying to tell me was better for me. I love you more today than I ever have. I know you will not understand this, but I am continuing to walk in faith. I may have to walk through the fire, if He tells me to, and I will. God has shown me many things. I know a lot about what you are going through, from God and God alone. One day, when this is all over, I will share them with you, so that you might get to see the truth in what I say. The songs that you hear, when you have to change the station because they don't make you think about what you want to think about... when you are changing the stations on the television, and hear someone say 'go home' ... the sudden thoughts that pop into your head unexpectedly, that remind you of home... those are all happening to you for a reason. Those dreams you've had? I know. Remember the truth that a dream can contain. You had dreams about me when you were away, and I have always had dreams about you and this very situation. God will speak to you however He chooses. There is no such thing as coincidence. You've already seen a lot of what I have said here, but try to brush to off as nothing. It's not nothing. It's the Spirit of Conviction. God will not give up on you, and neither will I. I love you Steven, and no matter what happens, I always will. I am not mad at you or angry. Sad, yes. But no matter what a piece of paper says, I will always be your wife, and I will never ever stop praying for you. We were married in a church, with God as our witness, not a court. We made a vow, and I intend to honor that vow regardless of the circumstance, and what they look like. I love you and I want you to come home... and one day... you will. I love you, Toi
Please sign my guestbook and let me know you were here! Thank You!
Use the button below to make a donation to assist in keeping this site up and running.
Since March 12, 2003 |
