Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her... Ephesians 5:25

*NOTE: Some text has not been posted, either for personal reasons, or because it's just mundane everyday stuff.

No Date

This letter was written before Steven joined the Navy, probably about 1992. There is not date on it... and we had been together for about 3 years. We'd been arguing over the fact that he was not working, and I was working 3, yes 3, jobs.

Dear Toi,

You ask me why I love you. I love you because you make me feel wanted, because you try to help me when no one else will. You always seem to think about me and my feelings when no one else seems to remember that I exist. That is why I love you. You mean everything to me. Without your encouragement and support, I'd probably be an even more shallow person than I am now. I'm sorry I'm that way, but like I told you, I never really learned how to express my feelings. I swear I will try to improve on that, and other things you think might need improvement. As far as your appearance goes, I do think you are pretty and attractive. (Portions removed due to sensitive material)

You are the biggest part of my world. When I am home alone I get very restless and bored, and feel very alone, but on the same note, when your home, it seems like I don't make you feel like we're even together. And I am sorry for that. I do appreciate the things you do for me, like cook my supper and wash my clothes and get me little gifts to let me know that you love me. For those things and anything else you do or will do in the future, I thank you very much. As a person, you're caring and concerned and fun and daring. You always seem to think about me or us before yourself and I admire that very much and that's why I love you. (Even though you can be crabby sometimes) I would also like to thank you for all of the hours of your life you wasted working when you could have been home resting like I was.

Our situation did cross my mind many times these past couple of days. I felt like I was going to lose, and hoping I wasn't going to. I was also kicking myself in the ass for being a selfish and unthoughtful jerk (sic).

I'm going to start making you and your interests come first however I can. But give me a little help and have a little patience even though I don't deserve it and we will be able to overcome these problems and many many more in the future. I just hope you're willing to try.

I love you too Toi, very much.

Steve

August 25th, 1996

This letter was written to me when Steven was in boot camp. He was concerned because I was feeling the stress of being alone for the first time in our relationship with our son Jacob.

Dear Toi,

(Long boring everyday chitchat omitted).

Are you really sure you can handle this situation? I'm getting a little worried because of what you've been writing in your letters. The last thing I want is for you to bug out. I don't want you to go through what you went through the last time when things got really bad. Please tell me you're truly all right with this or not all right if that's the case. Either way let me know truthfully please. I'm sure somehow something can be worked out if you’re not okay.

Start the countdown. We have 40 days left here after today. Then I can see you. YEAH!

I love you very much,

Your husband, Steven

August 26, 1996

This was written 2 days before our anniversary while he was in boot camp.

Hi Sweetie,

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!! Sorry I couldn't call you today. I asked but they said it isn't fair to let one person get a phone call and not everyone else. (Day to day chitchat removed.)

Thank for your last letter. I miss your touch as much as you miss mine. I miss hearing your voice. I even miss your complaints and gripes. I now realize that you were just trying to make me a better person and husband and father.

Believe me, your going to see a very positive change in me when we are together again. As far as you’re worrying about me liking being alone, don't because I hate it. I no longer feel complete without you and Jake with me. I only feel like half a person. But when the two halves meet up again I will be a new man. So I think you're right. This is good for us. Yes, it sucks bad, but like you said, change is never easy and now I finally see that. Just from reading your letters I truly realize how much you do love me and I want you to know that I love you just as much. I had an idea! We should renew our vows on our 5th anniversary. Just you and me and Jake (and our parents if they're available) just for love's sake. We can use that occasion to get new wedding bands like you wanted and to remind each other how much we love each other. So what do you say? Will you marry me on August 28th, 1998?

I miss you so much. I Love You very much.

Your Loving Husband,

Steven

September 15th, 1996

This was written just after a hurricane had passed through our area.

Dear Toi,

(Everyday chitchat removed).

I'm glad the hurricane moved. If something were to happen to you and Jake when I wasn't there to help, I would go freaking crazy!

YEAH! I LOVE YOU I can't wait to go to A school, because I'll be able to call you whenever I want. TOO! Our division has gotten all the flags so far but we missed getting one pennant. It makes me feel good to do something two are my only concern worthwhile for you and for Jacob. You right now, not me. I finally see all I cared about before was myself, but this experience has put me on the right track. That's where I plan on staying. I want a house too, and I'll do whatever I can to get us one. I won't let what you saw happen to other service men happen to us. After all of this, if you're happy, I'm happy. It's not you that used to mess up, it was me. I want to be with you for life, together.

I love you with all my heart,

Your husband,

Steven

October 23rd, 2001

This was a letter Steven wrote to me after the first time he wanted to leave, during our marriage retreat.

Toi,

I can't think of a time that I felt more intimate with you than now. Right now this weekend. This has turned out to be the most enriching couples activity I have ever had. When we first arrived last night I was a little hesitant about what was to come. I'm starting to understand now what you've been trying to say for so long. You've asked me to express my feelings, not just my opinions. I never understood how strongly a feeling or a gaze could affect you. Now that my eyes have been opened a bit, I see that you've been saying I love you. All of you. Good and Bad. They both come as a package deal and make up who we are. You've made so many attempts to show me this that I am just now realizing. I now understand how you say I love you without a word. Like when you go shopping without me expecting anything and you come home and say, "I got you something". Even if it's a can of cashews. It shows that even when we are in two different places, you are still thinking about me. That says, and forgive me for using a lyric from a song, "You say I love you babe without a sound. I'd give my life for just one kiss." So, in closing just let me say this.

I LOVE YOU TOO!

I promise to keep doing this with you even after the weekend is over. Because I think it's brought us a closeness we've never had before and I don't want to let go of the moment.

All My Love,

Steven

Same weekend

Toi,

We need to discuss what you think your hiding from me that's got me fooled. I know that I am sometimes blinded but I don't think you've fooled me in anyway. You are a caring, understanding kind hearted person. This weekend has somehow shown me a few things, and made me look at things in the past in a different perspective. One of the things that occurred to me is that when I am open to you and tell and show you how much I love you, you tend to more critical of the house like I am. But when I distance myself from you, you stop caring about your surroundings. I think this is probably because you are analyzing yourself. Asking yourself what have I done wrong? Does he really love me? The answer is YES. Yes, I really love you. I wouldn't be here with you this weekend if I didn't.

Yes, I was skeptical about this and what we would really get out of it, but now we've arrived at a whole new level that I never knew existed.

You're a great mom to Jacob! Not perfect, but no one is. I'm not perfect either. We'll never be that. But we can try to come as close as possible together. As far as the people you work with, let them think you are a super secretary. Because you are. I'm sure your not the only one in the world, but I'll bet you're one of the best. Most people would not be willing to take on the responsibility or work that you have with as little professional training as you have. Life hasn't given you everything you deserve, but you've taken what you have been given and turned in into more than people born with silver spoons in their mouths would have. Stop second guessing yourself, and use your significant gifts to enrich everything around you. You’re a natural at it. You just tend to forget it sometimes. You are my wife now and forever more. So don't shrivel up and die on me. I need you standing tall and firm. Ready to accept my new sunlight! I love you babe! Really love you! Never forget that.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

All of my love always,

Steven

Same Weekend

Dear Toi,

As I sit here and read these questions, I'm surprised. The first two questions took me by surprise, and I didn't even read the others. They are questions that never even occurred to me. I guess you could say that I tend to go through life like a train with no brakes on a steep mountain track moving at terminal velocity. Never really seeing the scenery as it passes by in a blur of motion. Never knowing where the track will end or how it will end. Will it end at a cliff, suddenly dropping off into a deep gorge? Or will the ending be at a buffer at the end of the track, a sudden loud and violent crash that leaves a twisted pile of metal. Hopefully not! I hope at the end of this long downward track there is an equally long and flat track that allows for a slow and steady and graceful end to the fast and furious ride that is life.

These first two questions, "What are my reasons for wanting to go on living," and "What are my reasons for wanting to go on living with you" go hand in hand. I want to go on living for myself because as you know I am an extremely visual person. I want to see what life has to offer. I want to find a way to slow down the train so I can see the scenery. At the same time, I want to see what you have to show me and what life has to show us! What can we change in our world to make a better place for ourselves as well as for others?

Eternity is plenty of time to see what's at the end of the track. But our time between here and the great unknown is limited. We need to use every minute to see and explore the world and our world, together! You’re great at repairing the intangible things in life. I'm great at fixing the physical ones. Lets put our heads together to come up with a way to fix the breaks on the train so we can slow it down and enjoy the view. I want to be able to absorb it all with you! The sights, sounds, smells and textures. The feelings, the awe, the inspiration gathered from the experience. Everything, the whole package. As if it was laid out on a table for us to view, touch, play with or use in whatever manner we choose. Is it soft and fragile, hard and strong? Or is it flexible and pliable, so we can shape it into anything we choose. I hope it's the latter. Lets use this life we've been given together like a big can of play dough. Shaping it into what we need or desire most. Let's become as flexible and pliable as the play dough so we can shape each other. Lets become like a sponge, soaking up all the water possible. When we can soak up no more, we can ring it out and start again. Wringing out all of the dirt, so we can soak up all of the clean water from the bucket of life.

I hope this makes sense to you. I can't stop the train from barreling down the track at breakneck speed alone. I NEED YOUR HELP! I want your help! No one else will suffice. You're the one I want, no body else. If I can't do it with you, then it's not worth doing at all. I'd rather crash at the end of the line having not seen the view. So I hope you're prepared for a long ride. All you need is the willingness to come aboard. Hopefully, you'll take the couple of stairs onto the platform, and ride this train with me. All Aboard?!?!

Let's go girlfriend, the train is leaving.

Love Always,

Steven

ANOTHER NOTE: I don't think I could express to you, the reader how very very much it hurt for me to read these letters, and type them up. It took me a very long time, as typing through tears is not easy. Will I ever stop crying?

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