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Diary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so good right now, you cannot imagine! And no, my husband has not come home, or given the slightest indication that he would ever want to... but that's okay, because I know God, and He is faithful! First, let me say that I enjoyed myself at Judy's wedding... it was very nice, and I met a lot of the NH prayer team... and we prayed together... satan did not want me to get there, but I did, Praise The Lord! But here is my praise report! Today before church, I again asked God to talk to me, and let me know what He wanted me to do... and boy oh boy did He! In a BIG way! During the Pastors service about Palm Sunday... he started talking about paths people choose... then he said "I don't know who I am supposed to be telling this to, but God wants me to tell someone... 'He will restore your relationship... just don't give up." I have not cried like that in a week, but I could not help it... I just let loose and cried my heart out. People around the church came around me and started praying for me. It was awesome, but that is not the end of the praise! Sadly, my husbands’ grandmother passed away, but no one told me about it. I found out by accident while talking to my brother in law in Florida. I was just able to make it to the service, and something told me that I had a MAJOR wrench coming my way... a wrench is my personal term for what satan tries to throw at me to make me give up... well, again, this was true in a BIG way! I took a route I would not have normally taken to the funeral home, and just as I approached the street to turn down, my husbands car pulls up in the lane opposite me to turn as well... and there sat Steven and Jen. OY! Talk about hands shaking, heart stopping, knees quaking! My first reaction was to jump out of the car and ring both of their necks. I thought, "The nerve! She never ever knew Meme and he brought her all the way from Connecticut?" I was livid... I am sure you could imagine. But, as I pulled down the street, I prayed, and asked God to give me grace, and bless me with His Holy Spirit. By the time I got it out of the car I no longer wanted physically hurt her, but was still not quit on my best behavior. I walked straight past them, and grabbed my son and dragged him away before he had a chance to say hi. I went inside, and greeted the family... MY FAMILY for 14 years. I went up to Stevens favorite aunt, and asked her how she was doing... she said she was doing find, but how was I? I told her "She's here." She said "WHAT?" I repeated it and then she looked around. Sure enough, in they both came. I went on and said my good-byes to Meme, and went out into the common room. There was Jen, sitting on a sofa. I greeted more family members out there, and told my sister in law that it was by the Grace of God that I stood where I was. Then PTL, I went over and sat next to HER. I asked her how she was doing, and she said she felt weird being there. I told her I felt weird with her being there as well. Then my husband walked over to us, and I asked him if I could talk to hi privately. We went down into the smoking area, and I asked him why he did not let me know that Meme had died. He said because he did not want me to start trouble and get people talking! I said (very politely) "We have been separated for 7 weeks... you don't think bringing HER here would have them talking before I could do anything?" He acted like I was worth less than the scum on the bottom of his shoe, so I just walked away, because my mouth wanted to say many things that I knew in my heart were not going to help the situation. I went back up stairs and found Jen and Jacob outside. I went out there and talked to Jacob. Then Steven came storming out like he was going to protect Jen from big mean old ME. I told him "You occupy your son for a while, and You (talking to HER) come with me. She did. She suggested we go around the corner. I told her no, because then Steven would think that I was trying to hide while I hurt her. She laughed, and we stood outside the gate of the funeral parlor. I told her... "Listen, I don't think it's unreasonable to tell you that I do not like the fact that you are here. That he chose to bring you here instead of telling me she died, when she was my grandmother for 14 years. She said she understood. I then told her that I am not mad at her thou I still do not want her in my life. I said "Why should I, you have MY husband. And that's not kewl." She again said she understood. Small conversation led to pleasant conversation, PTL! And, are you ready for this? I invited her over to my house for coffee! We could no find Steven, so I told one of his cousins that we were going, and for Steven to bring Jacob home in an hour. And Jen and I left together. On the way home, I asked her if she believed in God. She said yes. I asked her if she read the Bible. She said she had. I said, "So, when I say the words covenant marriage to you, you know what I am talking about?" Yes she said. "You realize that is what Steven and I have, Biblically?" She sort of nodded. "Are you familiar with the verse What God has brought together let no man separate?" She nodded. How about The adulteress' lips may drip with honey, but her path leads to destruction?" She said she had heard it. I said (again, very nicely) You do realize that is you, right? You are committing adultery with my husband in he eyes of God." It was then that she said she did not know that the Bible was the word of God to a tee. I told her that the Bible also says only a fool uses too many words, but I had something I wanted to share with her. I told her that because I know the bible is the word of God, I also know that my marriage to Steven will be restored, and that she would not have my husband forever. She made a little face and said, "Well, regardless of what happens with Steven and I, I really don't think he's coming back to you." I said that's okay 'You think what you want, but I KNOW what God has promised me, and He is faithful." We went up to my apartment, and I showed her around 'our' house... our wedding pictures, family pictures and the like. We had coffee together, and chatted. Steve showed up like 5 minutes later, apparently in a panic because I was alone with Jen. We continued to talk to each other, and he continued to be rude to me. I just accepted it, and did at one point say to him... "You made this choice to be happy... so be happy with your choice." Jen and I worked out a schedule for Steven to have Jacob, as she said she was appalled at the minimal time he was spending with Jacob. I ever gave my permission for him to bring Jacob to her house on the weekend. I told her no matter how much I disliked it, she was a part of my life right now, and I had no choice but to gracious about it. I also told her that I would continue to pry for her earnestly, that she would come to know The Lord. When they left she and I hugged, and Steven just walked away. I called out to him Bye Steve... he said Bye... then I called out, "I love You Babe." and they were gone! I FELT SO GOOD AFTER THEY LEFT! God was with me... I have prayed for God to not let anything pass my lips that was not according to His will... and He was with me... Believe me, if it were only me in that car, one of us would be in the hospital or jail right now... I was a very violent person at one point, and was tempted for a split second. But God Is Faithful is He not! I was able to speak to her, and laugh with her, and share coffee with her, at OUR dinner table, in OUR home, and feel good about it! I went to a fellowship meeting just after they left, and one of the ladies there told me that I had given her the truth, and that God will convict her. Praise The Lord, I am drunk with the Holy Spirit! Bless His NAME! Thank you Jesus, for dying for me, Praise You Lord God, for loving me, and keeping me on your path! Thank You! Blessed In His Love, Toi
Monday, April 14, 2003 Dear Diary, You know, I think we should just all come to expect that when I have a really UP day, I am going to have a really down day! Today was one of those cry all day days. That's what I did. But Praise The Lord, while I was doing it I was reciting, "For it is while we are weak that we are strong in Christ!" I felt just so broken hearted today. And do you know what my husband did? He was supposed to be a pallbearer at his grandmother's funeral... and he did not even show up. He called about 15 minutes before they needed him, and said he was not coming, but still. I prayed with my prayer partners after having this horrific day, and started feel a bit better. Then I called my husbands aunt, who was supposed to come over tonight with him to finish off bills. She could not come because she had a meeting, but we started discussing things a bit, and I asked her what Steven was giving me for child support this week, as he said he had to find out from her. She said she was not sure because she thought that the amount I had quoted was a bit high. I told her why it was what it was, and just to keep the story short, I had to make a few phone calls, and give her information, which continued to put me in the right. She thought the figures would/should be different because my husband received something called BAH through the military, and she thought that figure should not be included. But the catch is that he gets that BAH to provide shelter for his family... and the Department of Child Support Enforcement said they don't care why he gets the money he gets, it's all included in what they consider income for him. Then my husband was supposed to come pick up Jacob based on the schedule Jen and I had determined. He called me at 5 minutes before he arrived and told me to send Jacob down. I did, and then he called me 5 minutes after and said, "You didn't feed this kid dinner?" I told him "No, because you called so suddenly and had me send him down. I figured you would in the least come up." He hung up on me. I went to Bible Study, and when I was on my way home, my cell phone rang. It was my son "Muma, where ARE you?" "I am on my way home I said, why, where are you and daddy?" He told me his father had left! Apparently, Steven just dropped Jacob off in front of the house and took off without bothering to see if I was home yet. I called Steven on his cell phone, and sadly, started yelling at him. I said, loudly "WHERE AM I?!?!?" He said, "I don't know, where are you?" "NOT HOME!!!!!!!!!" He began to swear, and told me he would turn around and head back to the house. I told him not to bother because I was just pulling down our street, and then I calmed down, and asked God for grace again (He's been giving me a lot of that lately) I very nicely said "Okay, just do me a favor, and next time, make sure I am here before you leave Jacob here, okay?" His reply was a sign from God. Earlier, I had asked God to please please please just let Steven show me some kind of niceness today, something of the old Steven. Well, Steven said to me, very nicely, and civilly I might add, "I am sorry Toi... that was totally my fault. I did not do it on purpose. I apologize." God is good, even when we are feeling like we are in the depths of despair. I am not worthy of the sign and indications God gives me regarding His will, but He gives them to me anyway. His mercies are new everyday. Then when I came upstairs, Jacob told me they had been over Steven aunts house. So I called her to find out if they had figured out the amount of child support for tomorrow. I know how much he owes me, and also know it is a lot, so I wanted to know what he would be able to give me. We haggled over that a bit, because she apparently did not understand military paydays, but we eventually got through it. Then I said to her "I am sorry you are in the middle of this, but I love you anyway." She said something, and I said "Gee, I would have felt better if you had said I still love you too..." And then she laughed it off and said Well..." My heart broke again. Then she told me she was advising Steven to get a lawyer, so they could figure out all of the financial things, because she was not sure if what she was telling Steven was right. I told her that was fine; he could do what he felt he had to, but that I am still not signing divorce papers. I told her my Biblical reasons for not signing. At one point I asked her why Steven was so angry... she said it began when he saw the bills. I told her "No, he had acted this way since day one, but every week he seems to have a different reason to justify it." Now I must see if I can find a Christian Lawyer that would be willing to handle my case pro-bono. Boy, there were a million wrenches thrown at me today... some of them actually hit me... but that is okay, because God will heal me, and Jesus will comfort me. This is going to be a very long road for me emotionally. I can tell you that. But I have to just put my trust and faith in the Lord, and know that He will get me through this! He will not forsake me. I cannot cannot cannot react to this situation the way my flesh wants me to. I want to just yell and scream at everyone and tell them all to mess off, and get out of my life. I want to tell Steven to get over it, and stop pouting all day long like a flippin baby. But, I will bend my knees and pray for God grace yet again, and I will get past this. As a matter of fact, in the book of life that God has, I already have... I just need to catch up. Toi
Tuesday April 15, 2003 Dear Diary, Just a quick observation from yesterday that I forgot to share. I was speaking with one of the ladies from my Bible Study, and telling her about my visit with Jen. I began to tell her how very nice Jen is, and how I believe she is a good person, how she has never ever spoken unkindly to me, even though she has lied. Then it dawned on me … “THE ADULTRESSES LIPS DRIP WITH HONEY!!!!!!!!!!!”Need I say more? Then, last night as I was praying for her, I asked God to please put people in her path that would lead her to the truth. Put people in her path that would be bold enough to speak the truth in Your word to her. And God spoke to me again. “I put you in her path.” I love my God! Today I have been praying for her again. I know God can and will touch her heart. I know if she would just open herself up to Him for even a split second, she can be saved! She does not have to be the adulteress… I was in a similar situation, and look at all God has blessed me with now, since I have repented, and truly come to desire to please Him. Also, I would ask that if any of you that are reading this pray, that you would stop for just a second and pray for Steven right now. This man is most certainly under attack by the enemy. He is not just being influenced by him; he is being attacked from every single angle. Please pray that God will raise him up from under these attacks, and allow him to come to his senses in The Lord. I’m not saying for him to come home to me, I am saying for him to realize how rotten he is acting, and for him to change it. But again, it is not he; it is the enemy that he is under the influence of. I was drunk on the Holy Spirit the other day. He is inebriated with the juice of the enemy, but it is something he did not knowingly choose to ingest. Thank You! Later Dear Diary, Okay, remember how last week I told you that there were a lot of things that I had learned that I decided I wanted to share with you, but had not been able to yet? Well that is what I am going to start doing now. I may not get to all of it in this sitting, but I will get to some of it, and then keep up with it as I go. One thing I have learned just recently, like since Meme’s wake, is about those that do not believe the Bible Is THE WORD of God. Some people think the bible is a guideline or some such thing. They claim to believe in God, and His commandments, but they are a bit iffy on the bible. I have figured out that every single one of those people choose not to believe the Bible as it is written because there is something in it that speaks against something in their life. And whatever that is, is more important to them to feel justified in what they are doing than to believe what God has to say about it. I know this for a fact. It’s a fact generated within my own heart, but a fact to me nonetheless. I even felt that very same way once… I knew the bible was telling me that certain things I was doing was wrong… but that was only if I listened to it as it was written. If I instead, gave it an interpretation, I could spin and twist what it said so that what I was doing did not seem that bad. Praise The Lord that I do not feel that way anymore. That’s like having directions to put something together, and saying “Well, no, I don’t think they really meant for me to put screw a into slot b. I want to put it in slot k. Well, now, whose fault will it be when the thing falls apart? You had the instructions, they told you exactly what you needed to do to build the item right. God has given me an instruction manual for life. What kind of fool do I have to be to not follow it? I am not going to leave a note for my son that says “Eat dinner, take a bath and then do your homework…” but really mean “Devour the whole box of Oreos, smell the soap, and don’t even worry about your homework.” I mean what I said… period. No question about it. How much more magnificent is Our God? Should we believe He means what He says any less? NO! Right now, I pray for those that know the word of God, but don’t feel like it applies to them. Dear Lord, please, just touch their heart, and give them the understanding that You left them an instruction book… and the foundation on which they have built their life will stand strong if only they will follow your instructions. I pray this in the name of Your Son, Jesus, who died to save ALL OF US… Amen and Amen. Ok, another thing that I have learned, or feel like I have learned, is the secret to life! I guess it kind of ties into what I just said above. The answer to every single question and need we have is in the Bible, and we can receive that answer by simply praying. The answer TO EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM WE FACE IS FOUND IN PRAYER! How much more simple could it be? Even if they prayer is not answered immediately, like we would sometimes wish… there is an undeniable comfort in praying, and knowing that God hears us, and wants to see us happy. Every time someone comes to me and says, “I have this problem” or “I have that problem”, I say PRAY! Even with Jacob. He called me the other day because he wanted me to go and get him from his friends’ house because one of his friends little brothers were not treating him very kindly. Instead I told him that we could pray. And we prayed together one the phone. When he came home I asked him if the brother started acting better, and he said YES! See… it doesn’t matter what you ask for, if it is asked for in righteousness and with a pure heart, which I also explained to Jacob. I told him “We cannot pray for the bully at school to get hurt… but we can pray that God would touch the bully’s heart, so that they want to be nicer today.”Jacob has even made friends with one of the bullies he told me not to bother praying about, because not even God could change her. I told him then that God could change anyone. Jacob is now bringing in books to school to share with Jenna because they have found that they both are interested in trains! Praise The Lord. Jacob has said to me, “God answers prayers.” Okay, trying not to cry here. Praise The Lord! I have to run for now, but I will be back… I hope some of what I have learned here makes sense to you. Have a Great Day In The Lord! Toi Later Again, Another quick note: The day Jen and I had our conversation, she said to me I knew about her feelings for Steven before she did, and she did not know how. I told her that I knew because God told me, though at the time I just attributed it to ‘my gut’. But the same way what I knew than was correct, what I know now is correct… Steven will return to be my husband one day. Simply and gloriously because God said so! Me
Wednesday, April 16, 2003 Good morning my friends. It’s 6 am as I sit here, and I just feel the need to say that I feel like today is going to be a difficult one. I am trying so very hard not to be weak, and not to allow the enemy to make me feel down… but there are times when that seems like a monumental task. But through God… ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! I will rejoice in my sadness, for it is when I am weak that I am strong in Christ! Yesterday wanted to be a trying day as well, but for the most part, with God, I was able to rejoice! First, a very good friend of mine (I will not use her name unless she gives me permission) emailed me on Monday. She said that she was feeling the call to go to church, but did not really know where to start. She also said that she was feeling very down. Before I even get any further into that, let me give you our history. This woman and I met about 17 years ago. I was walking down the street, wearing my high school jacket. She stopped me and asked me if I atteneded the high school. I said yes, and she asked me if I knew a girl she was a friend with. Yes, she was in my class. She then proceeded to say, “I know this is going to sound like a strange questions, but would you come with me? I am going to look at an apartment, and I don’t want to go alone. Would you come?” Well, she was right, I did think it was strange, but I went. And we have been friends ever since. But we have not been the kind of friends that speak every day. We have gone years without talking, but always remained friends. Well, about 14 years ago, while Steven and I were dating, I was going through a very rough time in my life. I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown (which I did have, but a few months later). I sat in her house one day, crying and asking her why God was letting this happen to me… why was He allowing these things to happen in my life? And she very quietly looked at me and said, “Did you ever stop to think that maybe it has to do with they way you are living your life?” I was a studying to be a white witch. In my own apartment I had an alter set up, with tarot cards and candles and crystals and everything that you would expect to find on an alter of that kind. For some reason, what she said made absolute sense to me. I went home that day and threw away everything I owned that had anything to do with that, and have not even read a horoscope since then. She put me on the path of following God way back then. Which brings us back to this past Monday. I called her, and we spoke for a while. She told me that she was amazed at the person I have become, and that my faith inspires her. (She has been reading this web site) She said this because she remembers who I was at that point in my life, and the kind of person I was. Remember, I told you I did not have control over my mouth or my anger. Or, to say it better, I did not allow God to control it. I told her that. I told her it is ALL GOD AND HIS GRACE. The only thing I have done is chosen to follow Him. Anyway, she told me what some of her troubles were, one of them being financial. We prayed together on the phone, and I invited her to my church for an Easter Play tonight. She called me yesterday to tell me that, as if we didn’t know, God Is Faithful! Praise The Lord! She was able to acquire a new position within the job she is working that will help her earn extra money! She said it is an ideal position, and one that she never expected to be open because the person that had it prior to this was happy with it. But, God opened a door for her! Again, even though we do not deserve it, God gave her something to show her that He is with her, and will guide her through this time in her life. Praise The Lord! This happened in ONE DAY! My God is a Glorious God! The Only God! I love Him! So tonight, she and I will attend the Easter Play, and God will guide us from there. I also got a phone call from another friend that I have not spoken to in a while. I met her while I lived in NJ. She lived next-door tom me on the Military Base, and was also married to a sailor. They have since divorced. She said that she had been reading the site, and was concerned for me. She sited the fact that she has always known me to be a strong person, that it was that strength that drew me to her (I never ever see this in myself). And she wanted to make sure that I was okay. What really got her attention were the things going on right now with Steven and the money. She went through all of this herself, and gave me some advice. Which I apparently needed, because after I spoke to her, my day got just a little bit more trying. Steven called me to say that he would be here soon to pick up Jacob. I asked him if he had any money for me, as both he and Aunt Rhea said he would give me it on the 15th. He said NO. He was not going to give me any money until his lawyer looked over everything and gave him a number. He apparently got a lawyer on his aunts’ advice. He spoke very angrily to me again. I did try to talk to him about that. I told him that it did not make sense the way he treats me. I said if there was going to be someone in this situation that should act like they have been wronged, it should be me, but through the grace of God, I am not. I told him he could not treat me any worse if he spit in my face everyday. He actually seemed to calm down a little, and in the very lest listen to me. I reminded him of a conversation we had a few years ago, when Jen and her second husband began having problems and split up. He and Jacob went over to her house for her birthday, because she was alone. And he was indignant for her because Chris was treating her like ‘dirt’ (Not the right word, but you get the idea). I said this to him. “You have got two choices here. Either Chris was and is a complete butt head (again, not the right word, but…) and so are you. Or Jen deserved to be treated like she was scum, and so do I. Which one is it?” Well, do I have to tell you that he had no answer? But Praise The Lord, he was open to my talking, and spoke quietly… and at one point he did say that he understood how I felt. I also told him that I DO NOT want him and Aunt Rhea discussing our financial life without my being present. I said I understood that he needs her help, and that is fine, but I need to be present, because obviously no one thinks of calling me after all of the decisions are made to let me know what they have decided for my life. I then spoke to Stevens Commanding Officer again. I told him what had just happened regarding the money, and that I had an appointment with The Navy Lawyer on Monday. He said that the military has guidelines for spousal support when the military member abandons the family, and that regardless of what Stevens civilian lawyer tells him, the Navy will hold him to higher set of standards. He said that through then, not only will Steven be responsible for child support, but also family support for as long as we are married and he is in the military. He asked me if I was okay with food in the house, and rent. I told him yes, for now I was good. He was going to call Steven to task right then if we were in need. FYI – My friend who is now divorced from her military husband, was able to get him to give her all of the money that the Navy gives for housing, the BAH and VAQ, and have him pay off all of the bills in HER name. Over 10 thousand dollars worth. This is causing me a dilemma. Part of me wants to say, “Fine, you want to play like this… let’s play.” But the other part tells me to just give it to God, and let Him work it out. And that is what I am going to do. I will pray for this lawyer I am going to see on Monday, that God will bless Him with His desires for me. I will not suggest anything to him, and just let God tell me what to do. When I spoke to this man on the phone, I explained to him that I am a Christian, and that divorce was not an option I wanted to pursue. He said that he understood completely. OH, his commanding officer also said that he is religious, and that “Steven will have to stand in judgment for his actions one day… not just in the military (if I choose to file adultery charges) but before God.” I told him I do not want to file the charges, as that is not what God is calling me to do. I then went to Bible Prayer Meeting, and we all prayed for the various needs in our church, mine included. I lover the Prayer meetings. They are so uplifting. When I came home I called Steven to tell him to bring Jacob home. Do you know where he was? AT MY FRIENDD PATS HOUESE! Ok, so she was his friend first, but still. I only had two women in my wedding party, my sister, and Pat. His being there would not have been so much of a shock had he not had Jen with him. She said she was shocked when he came through the door with her. It seems that Steven is trying to weave her into his life and make it seem perfectly natural. I told Pat that Steven has not been the person I thought he would have been. Not that I ever thought we would be in this situation, but when I saw other couple separate, including my military friends, I always thought “Thank God that will never be Steven and I.” But at every turn Steven had proven me wrong. At every turn he has been more concerned about covering his butt than doing what is right, when it is right. Even if it just means speaking kindly to me. Every day he shows me more and more that he is becoming someone I do not know, which is why I say that he is under attack. This is not Steven. He is allowing himself to be influenced by outside forces that are not of God. I have also started praying for Aunt Rhea. She knows God, she knows Jesus. She doesn’t know them like I do, but she is open to them. I am praying that God touches her in a mighty way, so that she will see I am not the bad guy, and that she does not need to make Steven protect himself from me, that what she is doing instead is making me have to protect myself from him. I am feeling a lot of anger now, towards everyone involved, and I must let that go. I must be able to give this all to God, unconditionally… and be at peace with whatever His choices are, because after all, He knows what is best, not me. I have had a lot of people tell me how strong I am. Even the Pastor said to me one day “You are a very spiritually strong woman.” I want to know where they get this? I don’t see this. I see God, and His strength… but maybe it’s because they don’t see me curled up in a corner on my bed, crying, or now, trying to type through tears. Any strength I exude it PURE and UNADULTERATED GOD! I am not string, but He is. And I have one His armor. My friend that is going to the play and I were speaking again yesterday, and I told her I am amazed at how fast God has worked in my life. I have met and spoken to people in my same situation that have been here for months, and some years, and they are just now coming to some of the realizations that I have come to. I wonder why I was able to find Him so fast and so quick, and then have such a passion for His word. She said she thinks I have a higher purpose through all of this. Then we both said, “I think it’s to minister to other people through the written word.” Speaking of God working in my life, I do have to say that Steven’s heart is thawing out. The past 2 days he has brought the level of animosity he shows me down a few levels. That also is ALL GOD. Praise You Lord, and Thank You Jesus. I also spoke on the phone last night with someone going through this situation. We are both standers. We prayed on the phone together, and talked about God. I shared with him the message God gave me at church on Sunday, about God saying he will restore my relationship, just don’t give up.” He said to me that God did not just give that message to me, but he made it so that I could deliver it to him. Praise The Lord. We made a date for Easter of 2004. That date is for both of our families, he and his wife and their two daughters, and myself, Steven and Jacob, to share Easter together in Quebec, where he lives. I have marked it on my calendar. This gentleman is quite a story in and of himself. He was a Pastor, and an elder in his church. And then he was a divorce lawyer for 10 years! LOL… and now we have both come to God in supplication. I did not speak with my friend Kerri yesterday at all. I hope she is okay. I know she is starting a new job today, Praise God. Okay, that’s enough for now, but I am sure I will be back later. Toi Later… Told ya I would be back… just wanted to throw something at you really quick… I have decided to seek out a publisher for my book now. Though it is not completed, I know that many publishers will accept a book based on what they read of it, and then give a dead line. I am looking through Christian Publishers. I would ask that you pray for this endeavor. That if this is truly what God wants me to do, it would happen. That I would be led to the right people and circumstances. Thank you in advance for your prayers! God is Good! Toi Later Again… Dear Diary, I have made a decision. I sat here struggling with what I was going to do regarding my husband and this lawyer thing and money, and asking God to help me. As I sat here on the phone with my friend, I decided to call the Chaplin on the Navy Base. I spoke to him, and told him my situation, and that I am a Christian and needed guidance. He said to me “If you truly want to be Christian, then you need to turn the other cheek.” “The ways of the world say there are things you can do to protect yourself, but the bible calls on us to trust in the Lord.” That was the reason God led me to call this man that I had never spoken to before. He is absolutely right (I know my military friend has smoke coming out of her ears as she is reading this right now… lol… sorry) So that is what I am going to do… I am going to let God handle it. Period. He knows what is best. So, I have found my Christian Lawyer. I will tell Steven that I have decided to let God handle my things in the same way he has his aunt handling his, and whatever comes from it will be because God has ordained it to be so. Praise The Lord. I was very scared making this choice, but then realized it is most certainly the hard ones that God truly wants us to trust in Him for. It’s easy to give something to God that feels like either way it goes would be okay. But it’s the hard choices like this that glorify Him all the more. Glory Be To My God, and I will be all right! Praise You Lord, and Thank You Jesus! Me
Friday, April 18, 2003 Oh My Gracious, Where do I begin? A LOT has happened. A LOT! And I pray that all of it is in accordance with God’s Will. Wednesday, after I gave this situation to God (regarding the lawyer and everything… he’s always had the other) The Naval Chaplin called me back. Remember, he is the one that told me that to truly approach this as a Christian, I would do nothing. I told him I had decided to let God handle it, and he can be my lawyer. He asked me if I was still going to the Legal Office on Monday. I said “Yes, but I am going to pray for the person I am to speak with, that God will put it in their heart whatever it is He wants for me. I am not going to ask for anything, or demand anything… I just want him to tell me what God pots in his heart about what I need.” The Chaplin said, “Good, I am going to tell you that if you ask for nothing, there are very clear and basic guidelines that the Navy will follow in the absence of a mutual agreement or court order. That guideline says, quite plainly, they will require him to provide us with ½ of his gross pay… period. Well, that is a lot of money. I know that is, and I am sure Steven knows that is. I told the Chaplin that I did not want that from him that I knew that would be too much, so I was going to call him and let him know this, so that we can reach something on our own. He told me I was about 3 miles ahead of everyone else in this situation as most others are very uncertain of what they want to do, and will sway back and forth depending on the info they receive, and that I am trying to be very fair and mature. I told him it was all through the Grace of God. I called Steven and told him what the Navy said. He yelled at me and asked if I was threatening him. I said no, I am telling you I don’t want this for you… that is why I am telling you this. I could just go to the office, or simply tell your commanding officer next time he asks, that we do not have an agreement. He complained a bit more and it was very difficult for me to break through the barrier. In the end I said that I would be calling his aunt to let her know because I did not want him to tell her, as he would make it sound like I was doing something out of malice. So I called her, and prayed to God that I could be gracious. There was most certainly some animosity there on my part. I did at one point say to her “I really resent the fact that Steve has $400 dollars in his pocket that he was going to give to us, but didn’t because you told him not to, and here today I have no milk, no money for Jacob for lunch or to give him for the school store.” She in turn told me she was angry because the Navy is going to help me, but they basically told him to buzz off. I said, “That is not my fault… I have no strings that I can pull over there, this came to me. I don’t know why they wont help Steven.” (Well, I think I do, but that is later). At the end of the conversation I told her what I thought would be a fair agreement between him and I, and asked if they would work with me on this before Monday when I am supposed to be there. She said she would talk to Steven and his lawyer. For the record, the navy is not going to represent me in a court of law. They only do that for the military person… so I have not gotten a lawyer. What they will do is inform me of what my rights may be, and help me draw up papers with all of my concerns and request, if I had any. However, they will not now represent Steven, as I have already made an appointment with them, and they can only advise one party. I prayed some more to ask God if I was doing the right thing. Then my Pastor called me, and I asked him. I said “I know God calls on me to let Him provide, so what do I do?” Pastor Ken said, “The Lord has provided for you Toi. He has provided these answers that are coming to you, and he also provided rules that Steven must follow. Don’t feel bad about holding Steven to those rules… this is his choice and the navy would have him do this even if you did not say a word.” Ok… so that was where I was. Later that evening, Jacob and I went over his friends’ house to visit. Brenda came with us. While there my cell phone rang. It was Steven. I had called earlier to ask him what time he was going to be here on Thursday. He got really nasty with me again, and I said to him, yet again, “Why do you speak to me like that?” He starred yelling, “Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that we are $18,000 in debt.!” I cracked. I absolutely broke under the pressure.All thoughts of using Christian langue where gone. I began screaming and yelling and swearing. I wont use the language here, but can convey the thoughts. “How dare you even think you can use that to justify your anger with me pal! You were there for 14 years, spending right along side of me! Did you not always have a roof over your head, and every stupid little thing that you wanted? Did I not ask you MANY MANY times to help me with the bills because they were over whelming! Did you not sit on your duff before you joined the Navy, while I worked 3 jobs, and still left me to figure out the money!?! Don’t you dare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He immediatly started trying to calm me down… “Ok, Toi, stop yelling, take it easy…” But I was having no part of it. “Don’t you tell me to calm down! You have done everything short of spit in my face every single chance you have had, and now that I am finally MAD, you want me to calm down? (I let spill some very un – Christian words telling him what I thought he could do). “ He still tried to calm me. “Now that I am going to tell you exactly how this whole situation is going to work, and you will listen cuz me and God are in control here now buddy! And the first thing I have to say is that I DEMND you start treating me with some respect! DO YOU HEAR ME!!! RESPECT ME LIKE IO AM THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD BECAUSE I AM!” He got upset at that point and said to me … are you ready? “Oh, no, if you want me to speak to you in a certain way, than you need to speak to me that way.” Again, a slew of bad words… “ARE YOU CRAZY! I have done nothing but treated you kindly since the day you walked out on Jacob and me, and you have done everything in your power to be the nastiest bast*** you could be. Don’t you tell me that I have not TRIED that already! With the Grace of God, I even hugged the girl you are … (um, there is not really any nice way to put this…I can change the word, but it will still sound bad, but here it is…) I hugged the girl are screwing! So don't you tell me I have not been gracious!” He said “And what about the way you treated me for 14 years?” “Don’t go there… you were and are a party to that marriage… I already confessed to you and God what my sins were there, and pray for God to change me, but I was not alone! Don you lay all of the blame on me. You chose to just get up and walk out instead of in the very least point it out to me if it was bothering you! I know you don’t believe in God, but you must know that SOME HIGHER power showed me how I was because the old Toi would not readily admit that… and I apologized to you before you ever ever said a thing to me… as a matter of fact, I am not assure you are being accurate… maybe you are again just using what I have said to you in repentance to justify how you are acting!” Then I immediately calmed down. It was like a veil fell over me, and I took a deep breath and said, “OK, I am done yelling.” He said good. I said, but while I have you now listening to me, I want to pint out a few things for you. Will you listen?” Yes. “Do you not see the reality of this situation Steven? If I lay out all of the facts, side by side, with no emotion, no opinions, lets see what we come up with. Fact: You were married to and with your wife for 14 years. Fact: You just up and walked out one day with no warning. Fact: You ran right to your girlfriends’ house. Fact: You have not provided the child support when you said you would when you said you would. Fact: You have spent 1-½ hours with your child per week unless directly asked to do differently. Fact: You are walking around with your new girlfriend, introducing her into other people’s lives without their consent. “Have I misstated any of these facts Steven?” “No”, he said. “So, with just the facts, what do we have? We have a lying cheating husband that walked out on his family for a younger woman, and is approaching becoming a deadbeat dad. Did you ever think that was you Steven? Did that ever occur to you?” “No, I never thought of it that way.” “And while we are talking about it, let me tell you this. You are being extremely disrespectful to me, your son, and our friends and family when you just waltz around with her like it is nothing and expect people to not have questions, and just accept it. You are a married man Steven… not a free agent. How fair was it of you to call Pat and asked her if YOU AND JACOB could come over, and then show up with your girlfriend? This is one of my BEST friends. She has always been your friend, but you put her in a situation she was not comfortable with without even asking her.” “I will also tell you this… I was asked if I wanted to file Adultery Charges against you. I am not, but let me tell you this. If I wanted to, you are making it very easy. I do not have to prove a thing; you are doing all of that for me. Your Commanding Officer knows where you were on that first day… the navy knows that you now are having all of your money deposited into a bank in Connecticut in Jens neighbor hood. You produced a room full of witnesses at Meme’s wake… and a house full of witnesses at Pats house. I would not have to do a thing. I am quit sure you have not thought about the ramifications of what you are doing and how you are doing it, but there is some food for thought.” He was rather quiet for a bit, and then started talking about meeting tomorrow to talk about money. I ended the conversation with I love you babe. We probably spoke for 45 minutes, and after I finished yelling, it was the calmest conversation he has had with me since the beginning of all of this. Of course, I felt very bad that I allowed myself to react that way. I knew I had lost control and let God down. I came home and prayed about it, and asked God to please forgive me. Then I again asked Him to lead me to something in the Bible that would help me. The verse I got was “When God is please with a righteous man, He will make ever his enemies be at peace with him.” Is this for me God? I didn’t know. I didn’t want to hope it was because I was scared, and be wrong, so I decided I would pray on it some more. I feel asleep before I even finished reading my Bible. Thursday morning, as I sat outside of Jacobs school, waiting for the bell to ring, I remembered that I had my little Bible in my purse, so I pulled it out and began to read from Proverbs. The verse?Chapter 16 verse 7 “When God is pleased with the way of a righteous man, he will cause even his enemies to be at peace with him.” This was a different Bible, and a different chapter… the night before was in Psalms. Ok, God… Praise You. I understand. Aunt Rhea and Steven came over Thursday afternoon for us to go over n agreement. Steven really had nothing to add to what we had already come up with. I did tell him that I had reconsidered having Jacob at Jens house, or even allowing him to take him over 2 state lines. He said ‘C’mon Toi, you know I wouldn’t do that.” “Eight weeks ago I knew my husband would never walk out on his family for another woman… but he did.” “Seven weeks ago I knew I would never have issues with my husband providing for his family… but I did.” “Six weeks ago I knew my husband would never give me concern about the amount of time he spends with his son… but he did.” “So, yes, right now, I know my husband would never do anything to take Jacob away from me… but maybe he will.” At this meeting, I realized that neither of them understood what was going to happen with the military if he did not reach an agreement with me. His aunt kept saying things like “Whatever we put in here, a court order will over ride this, right?” Yes, I said, but we are not going to have a court order for a while. She said’ Well, the lawyers are drawing up the paper right now.” “I realize that but those papers are not court orders, they are still just papers until we go to court.” She looked at me a little funny. I asked if I was explaining myself right. “Yes, I understand you, but I disagree with you.” I said, “The lawyer can talk and write until they are blue in the face, it doesn’t make the papers they have court orders. That will be done by a judge. And even in the best situations, where both parties agree to a divorce, you don’t get into court for a while.” They still were not getting it. I finally said, please just call someone and make sure this lawyer is correct… maybe I am completely wrong, and she is right… but I don’t want for you to be surprised when the Navy does this with our having an agreement.” See, I know that if Steven does not grasp what is going to happen, he is going to allow himself to be misguided, and then the Navy will give me $1000 per pay day from him. I don’t want that. I only want what we agreed upon. But even when I am trying to help him in this, he is being stubborn. I told hi that I would type up the paper with everything we had agreed on and he is going to come over today, after he goes to his lawyer, to possibly sign it. Fine. I then went to Pats house, who is a para legal, so she could help me with it. He called me as I was pulling up. “I am going to the bank tomorrow to see if I can get a loan so we can start with the bills. So maybe you should try to get started on this as well.” He was very nice. I said okay, “I have to run to Newport first, then I will see if my dad can come to the bank with me.” “What do you have to go to Newport for?” “Don’t worry about it I said. “Why are you going to Newport?” I said, “How many questions have I asked you Steven, that you would not answer for me? How many times have you told me not to worry about it, that it was your business? This is my business.” He said, “Okay, you want me to talk, I will talk… I feel like you are holding this over my head.” Holding what over your head? “This thing with the adultery charges….” He was getting testy. I told him I was not holding it over his head, but that he would not even have to worry about that if he was doing things right. I then returned to his lawyer… “Listen, make sure your lawyer understands that if we do not agree by Monday, you are gonna get the short end of the stick.” “Well, my lawyer told me wither I do it her way, or not at all.” “Steven, I understand that, and I understand the fact that you think you need her… but the fact is if you do what she is telling you, you are not going to be happy with the outcome. Please, just call someone on the base, and just see if I am right. I would hate to tell you not to listen to her, and you don’t, and I was wrong, but I also don’t want you to listen to her, and I be right, because you loose either way.” I tried to explain to him why this navy thing would take effect. He said his lawyer said Naval law does not super cede civilian law. Correct… BUT… they will take action in a matter where there is no civil court order, or mutual agreement. If you work for someone, which you work for the navy, and you violate one of the rules laid down in their personnel policy, they can take action, even if your violation has nothing to do with the law… it could be about wearing purple on Tuesdays… if it violates their policy, they can take action. The fact that we have no agreement or court order violates their policy, and there is nothing your lawyer can do to make them not follow it.” “I don’t know what I am supposed to do Toi.” “Please Steven, talk to someone on base. I mean, if this all works out in your favor, good for you! I will be okay with that because I know that no matter how it works out, it will be God’s doing. Not your lawyers, not the Navy, no one But Him. I just don’t want you to be mislead by anyone, including me.” We hung up the phone, and I told Pat that I don’t think I should say anymore to him. I am wondering if God is placing all of this confusion in them regarding this because He is working His plan, and satan has got me thinking that I am trying to be nice by warning him. So, again, I give it to God. Last night when I asked for guidance from the Bible, I was lead to the chapter where Paul is being help prisoner, and defending himself in court. I felt better, because He was defending himself… only with his words, but speaking the truth. I love my God! He was not going against God by pointing out to his captors why what they were doing was wrong. Today is Good Friday… and then Easter. I told Jacob Wednesday there was not such thing as The Easter Bunny. He was ready. He took it better than good. He was like “You mean that was always you and daddy!” “Yep, Is aid… and then told him all about what Easter is really about. He had questions about the tooth fairy and Santa Claus… I told him the truth about everything. He was happy. Happy that it was always me and daddy doing this stuff, and not some imaginary figure. So, I can tell you this… Christmas and Eater will be a very new holiday for us! Praise The Lord! I will not be back here until Monday or Tuesday. I have some things to do that will prevent me from having access to my computer, but I will update you on all of that as soon as it happens. I am sorry that you wont know about it as it happens, but … Continue to pray for me, and Steven! Your prayers, and my prayers are working… God is thawing his heart. He is reaching a point where he can speak to me… Thank you all… and Praise You God! May You Be Blessed Until We Talk again! Toi
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