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| Tuesday,
April 8, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, I know... it's been like 3 days since I did my journal! I have been redecorating here, in case you did not notice! LOL! But I have been keeping notes, and have so much to tell you about! Just know this... Just like James Brown... I Feel Good! Glowing In God's Glorious Light, Toi
Wednesday, April 09, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, not a personal update right this second, but I wanted to share something with you that was sent to me by someone that belongs to a Marriage Ministry. And I promise that tomorrow I will tell you all about what is going on in my life. I still feel good, Praise The Lord, and am now wondering how I managed to ever live without Him? I mean, I thought I knew Him, but now realize that I did not have a clue. I am so thankful. But, anyway, here is the email that I received today… mind you… I got this in my email after I came home from Bible Study, where we discussed free will. (I changed peoples names, as I don't know them personally.) Hello Toi .. I have been praising God and thanking Him for His goodness and His faithfulness. You don't know the name John. Our team of prayer intercessors prayed daily for John for many months. He is one of Marriage Healing International's lawyers and has been a tremendous inspiration to me personally as I have never been such close friends with a man who hungers for the presence of God like John. Fitting name... As our friendship grew I became very aware that John had a broken marriage and little by little the Holy Spirit opened him up to me. So many times I wanted to blurt out my beliefs and my convictions especially regarding his personal situation but the Holy Spirit usually checked me and said 'quiet'. JOHN HAS BEEN SEPARATED FROM HIS WIFE FOR 10 YEARS. Needless to say, their two boys have borne the brunt of the destruction, pain and scars. They have a story almost too incredible to believe. Let's just say that if ever there was a broken marriage that looked irreconcilable, this was it. John had clearly been told by the Lord not to marry this woman but did it anyway.It cost him dearly. Among other things it resulted in his incarceration in a mental institution against his will and the loss of his two boys. John shared with me that he would do whatever the Lord told him to do but that he knew there was no way that his marriage would be reconciled. He had prayed many times over the years that God would heal his wife's heart and their marriage. He was convinced that God's answer was 'no'. There are few who will literally risk their life or their well-being for their faith but John is one of those. Being a person of such deep conviction and knowing the voice of the Lord, made him very difficult to 'counsel' and consequently my counsel to him was very infrequent and brief in point. But clearly as we spent more time together, the Holy Spirit was talking to me and revealing glimpses of His divine plan for John, his wife and the two boys. We usually walk around a track for a few hours each Friday evening and one day we were walking when John shared that his wife would be coming to Washington for a very brief layover to pick up possessions which have been in storage for 10 years. They had brief contact on the phone and though neither had plans to spend time together, John was hopeful that this trip might be an opportunity for them to close the book on their history once and for all. He also hoped it might be possible for her to receive healing in her heart while in Washington. Of course, the Word of God says many are the plans in a man's heart, but it's the Lord's purpose that prevails. John had some plans... but God had some different ones. John demonstrated his consideration by picking her up at the airport (with a very trusted husband and wife accompanying). What followed after that was an incredible series of events leading up to a phone call I received just before leaving for church. It was John and he said.. "I just called to give you an opportunity to cry". That didn't sound encouraging coming from a man like John. I said "what's going on?" ... and his reply was "I have someone with me". As John shared this, the Holy Spirit said to me... "the time has come" and then John said... "it's Jane". She said hello to me and they asked me to come meet them after church to pray for them. After hanging up the phone I jumped and twisted and looked like a cheerleader on speed.I was freshly excited by the faithfulness and power of God. The husband and wife who accompanied John to the airport, along with myself, prayed for them and over them as we anointed them with oil and prayed warfare and deliverance on their behalf. My heart was filled with deep reverence for God as I watched this man and woman anoint and wash each other's feet. To see the miracle restoration which had taken place in the blink of an eye after 10 years and hearts which were convinced there was no hope and certainly no desire for each other, was almost more than I could stand. I could write all night... Toi... if you are doubting God and your circumstances look hopeless, cast down those vain imaginations and turn your eyes upon Jesus. If the God we serve, loved you enough while you were still a sinner to send His only Son to shed His blood for you..... don't you think He will do so much more for you now that you are His child? If you are doubting... you don't know the heart of God. Let me say it again.... If you are doubting that God is able and desires to turn your mates heart toward home, then you simply don't know the Father heart of God. Not only is He able and willing... but He CANNOT fail to produce a miracle on your behalf if you trust Him. Only unbelief hinders or binds the power of God in the life of His children. Those that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength... For those of you who will say... "Yes but my mate has "FREE WILL"... read on... Picture me and my 2 y.o. son I know that if he were to touch a hot skillet it would bring permanent scar into his life not to mention present pain and suffering so I see him moving toward the skillet and I say "no" but, of course, he says "yes" and begins to reach for the skillet so I say "NO" more strongly...and he hesitates thinks for a moment and continues to go for the prize so as his hand shoots out Daddy's hand comes down and he jerks his hand back at the surprise.. butt then he GOES FOR IT AGAIN so Daddy has to come down a little harder and this battle of the wills continues till Daddy's will be done :) God won't force us to do anything but He certainly knows how to engineer the circumstances which will lead to our choosing what is best for us so the next time some religious spirit comes rebuking your faith.... just smile knowingly and thank God that HIS ways are sure. Just read the story of Jonah and meditate a bit on:Proverbs 16:1 Proverbs 16:3 Proverbs 16:9 Proverbs 19:21 Proverbs 21:1 Proverbs 21:30 Free will is over-rated Toi !!! Copyright © Marriage Healing International Thursday, April 10, 2003 Dear Diary, OK, I am back! And boy do I have a lot to tell you about! Let me start real quick with Sunday, at church. Sunday was a really rough day for me. I cried all day long, and felt really really low. I had even considered not going to church. I thought it would be no big deal. And satan really tried to get me to stay home, because I had forgotten to change my clock back, so by the time I had half heartedly made the choice to go, I realized I only like 10 minutes to get dressed and get there. But, that was my motivation. If satan didn't want me to do it, then I was doing it. So I ran to church, unshowered, wrinkled clothes and all. THANK GOD I WENT! The whole sermon was for me. I tell you, God spoke to me that day in a very real way. Just prior to going inside church, Jacob and I prayed that The Lord would teach us something today, tell us what He wanted us to do with our life. Well, He gave me sign after sign after sign. The first was a song that was sung by a member of the church. First a little history on why this is a sign. A Pastor Ted Bates, whom I had emailed when this whole thing started, mailed me a couple of tapes of some sermons he had given, to comfort me. One of those tapes was called "He Will Do It Again." It's my favorite tape, and I listen to it often. This was also the one that I was listening to when I was saved. Well, wouldn't you know, the song that was sung that day was "He Will Do It Again." Though we were all standing in praise, I had to sit down, and I put my head in my hands and just started to cry. Deep cries. I can't even tell you why, for what particular reason I cried, but I did. Then Pastor Ken got up and started the service. He said something about what he should be talking about was one thing, but that he felt the need to address people in the church that were overcome by grief. Now, I know that he did not look over and see me crying and decide to alter her service for me. I am not even an official member of the church yet. But for whatever reason, God called on him to speak on this subject on this day. He spent the entire service talking about how God will rescue you. How all you have to do it have is have faith, and know that God is there for you. He made a reference to standing on God's promise a couple of time. Now mind you, I am crying the whole time. Well, not the whole time. At one point, Pastor Ken took a couple of eggs and put them into a zip lock bag, then double and triple bagged them. Then he started body slamming them! Yes, the pastor of my church threw this bag on the floor and started doing WWE type jumps on it! It made me laugh! He was demonstrating how very crushed and mutilated satan can make you feel. How he can make you feel totally destroyed. But, unlike the eggs, God can, and will, restore us. I went up to the front of the church for the special prayer request, like I always do. The woman that prayed with me said she is in a similar situation. Again, I am crying while praying. When we sat back down, and Pastor Ken went on with his service, she kept looking back at me, because she would hear him say things that she knew I had to hear. Her face asked me if I heard it. Yes, I heard every single glorious word that Pastor Ken said. I would like to hear them again. I am now thinking about buying a little tape recorder to bring with me, so that I can hear him over and over when I need it. Then, Pastor Ken asked for those that were feeling particularly sad, and crushed, to come up again. I, along with several others, did, and everyone prayed again. More tears... Jeeze, do these things ever ever dry up? I left church that day feeling like I had been saved all over again. I went home and thought about what he had said, and thought some more... and suddenly, I came to this amazing realization. Are you ready for this? My walking around every day in a funk, depressed and sad, is not, in any way shape or form, bringing Glory To God! People could not look at me like that and say "God is good." They could look at me and say "Poor thing... she is so sad. I hope she feels better soon." But, that's not what I want. I want to bring Glory to God, because I KNOW He is with me, I KNOW He loves me, and I KNOW that everything will be as He promised. So what am I crying for? The way I feel now, I hope and pray it brings Glory to Him. I hope that now when people look at me and see how at peace I am, that they can say to themselves, "She was so down before, but look at her now. She says God gave her that peace. WOW." I will never ever stop loving my husband, or praying for him, but I cannot let myself get into the pit of despair that I have been in. Yes, I can miss him, yes I can cry because I miss him. But to allow myself to feel like I want to die? NO! That is only giving in to the enemy, and I refuse to do that! I feel like my whole life changed once more after that church service. Now I know why satan didn't want me to go to it... and again I say to him... Neener Neener Neener! Praise Be To God, cuz I am HIS! Thank You Jesus! Jacob is becoming more interested in the Bible as well. And he has many questions. He asked me the other night about Jesus, and how he saved us. Again, I prayed for God to give me the right words, so that Jacob would understand them. This is what I told him. "Imagine this... you and Kristen are together playing. And Kristen's father told her not to throw a baseball, but Kristen does it anyway, thinking that it will be okay, but she breaks a window. When her father comes outside and sees the broken window, he is very upset, and knows that Kristen needs to be held accountable for what she did. He tells her that she will have to pay for the window out of her allowance every week until it is paid off. But then you Jacob, know that Kristen will be paying for that window for a very very long time, and because she is her friend and you love her, you want to help her. So you decide to tell her dad that you will pay for it . You tell him that you want to do this because you love Kristen (as a friend he reminded me) and are able to help her with all of your allowance money you have saved up. That is what Jesus did for us, even though we were not even born yet... Jesus knew that we would do things that were wrong, and have to be held accountable for them. And He knew that it would be a very long time before we could pay for our sins. But he also knew that he could pay for them himself, and save us from doing it.. so Jesus died to pay for all of our sins, and because of that, we are forgiven." "But remember this... after you pay for the window that Kristen broke, it is up to her to remember to follow her fathers rule about not throwing the ball in the yard. How do you think you would feel if after you helped her pay for that window, she decided that she would throw more balls, and possibly break more windows? That's being ungrateful, isn't it? What if she said 'It's okay for me to break these windows, because Jacob will pay for them." That's not very nice, is it? No. That might make you want to turn away from her,and to play with her anymore. But, if Kristen apologized for breaking the window, said thank you to you, and did her very best to make sure she followed her fathers rules, that would mean she is repenting. She is sorry for what she did, and wants to never do that again, and is grateful to you for helping her. That is how it is with Jesus. He paid for our sins, but that does not mean we can just go out and sin anytime we want. We have to make sure that we try to be good, and follow Father God's rules. If we make a mistake, and we realize it, and ask for forgiveness, it will be given to us, but we have to try to not make those mistake again on purpose." That was my explanation to Jacob. And you know something? It helped me to understand more. Praise The Lord! I feel like I have come to understand so much now. I am so thankful that I am where I am right now. I cannot imagine having lived another day without the knowledge of God's love for me. How did I do it before? I have n idea but that God He did not give up on me. I will share more about things that I have learned later. This entry was a long one, huh? That's what I get for redecorating the site and not keeping up! LOL... may you have a blessed day. Take Care! Toi
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