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March 29, 2003 Dear Diary, Today was another 'ok' day. Peaceful I guess. My sister came to church with me, and she cried. LOL... the Pastor has that effect on people that need it I suppose. I spent a lot of time at my Uncle Rodney's house, reading my Bible. I was really into it. It felt like I didn't want to put it down, which I thought was really kewl. Brenda's Uncle got into a bad car accident yesterday. She came upstairs this morning, crying. She said, "You believe in this power of prayer thing, so please pray for Joe." I did pray with her, then went to Church and asked for prayer for him, and will continue to pray for him. He was in really bad shape, and she is really upset. My other prayer is that once God heals him, that Brenda may be able to in the very least look at God in a new light. Maybe this could be the start of new journey for her. I feel like I am being saved again every day. I go through these times during the day when I feel really low and bad... and I turn to God, and it's like this bright light is turned on, and I feel good again. Praise The Lord. I am trying so hard to just Let Go and Let God. I have to make sure that my focus is NOT on doing what I think I have to do to have Steven come home, but focus on doing what I have to do to be a woman of God... and everything else will fall into place. I was a bit short tempered with Jacob this evening. And he was a lot whiney. LOL... but we each took 5 minutes to calm down, and then we talked. I asked God to please help me be the mother that he needs now. I know Jacob acts like none of this concerns him, but it does. He always hides his feelings, and I need to help him to share them, so that we can pray about them. I also prayed about, and decided to stop my regimental fasting. I will still fast, but not the way I was. I was fasting everyday all solid food before 4pm, and no food from Friday night until Monday evening. There are a couple of reasons I stopped. One, people knew what I was doing, and I want it to only be something between God and Myself. And also, doing it the way I was made it feel like a chore. I don't want that. I want to fast when the feeling comes to me. Maybe I will continue to fast that way, but it will not be planned out before hand. Thank You Dear Lord, for the day you have given me, and the chances you continuously provide for me to be the person you desire for me. In The Name of Jesus, Amen. Toi
Monday March 30, 2003 Dear Diary, Okay, so today for some reason was a tough one. I cried and cried while I was praying. And cried some more. I asked God to please take this feeling from me, please, give me peace. I feel so horrible when I cry, and lonely. Then afterwards, I feel like I had a lobotomy. Just there. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I tried to call Steven at work today, to see if he would bring home Jacob a printing cartridge for his computer. Ernie, the guy that answered the phone said he was not there. I asked him if he was not there all day, or just gone for a bit (I was going to ask that he call me back if he returned). He said He's not here and I have not seen him. I started to say thank you, but he just hung up on me. Harrumph! Steven came over tonight, to stay with Jacob while I went to Bible study. I tried so very hard to be strong, but pretty much failed. I hate crying in front of him. Not because I don't want him to see me like that, but because I don't want him to think that I am trying to put him on a guilt trip or anything. The first time I cried was on the phone. I was asking him if he was going to help me pay for the new computer, and new computer parts for his computer that we bought on my fathers’ credit card. I told him that I barely had enough to make the rent tomorrow, and started crying. Then I said, "OK, we need to stop talking about this, because I am getting upset." When he came over he asked me if I had been looking for a job yet. I told him no, because I did not feel like I could work right now, and also, I want to devote the time that I have to writing while I can. He got really upset when he figured out how much of his paycheck he has to either give to me or use to pay off outstanding bills, like car insurance and car payments. I asked him why he treats me the way he does, and he said he doesn't treat me badly. I told him "Yes, you do. You treat me like I am the bad guy in all of this... like you walked in and caught me cheating on you or something." He paced around for a few seconds then said "One day we'll sit down and talk about it, but not today." I just left it at that. I just have to keep turning to the Lord, and giving it all over to him. I feel like I have this great big conveyor belt in front of me, and every time something confronts me, I just put it on the belt, and look to God and say, "It's yours." I did that with my bills this afternoon. I was trying to figure out how I am going to pay all of this stuff, and saw that right now... I'm not. There is no way humanly possible for me to pay what I owe on what I make. So I gave it to God. It was after that Steven called and told me how much money he would be giving me, which helps immensely. I have still got a lot to figure out as far as money goes, but I know that it will be okay. I know some 'realistic' people would say that I should just go out and find a job. But I am not going to do that. I know that God is calling me to write, and this is the first opportunity that I have had to devote my time to it, and do it right. So I am not going to let outside influences sway me from that. It has always been my dream to write, and now I can do it. Yes, the belts will be tight for a while. But I know that with God, it will be well worth it. He is the Restorer of Broken Dreams. I have many many dreams, and He will restore them all. I just have to have patience. I continue to pray for Steven, and his salvation, and his love. I told him that tonight, and he scoffed. But that's okay. I am his one flesh, no matter what anyone else says or does; including him... and my prayers are heard by God Almighty. I heard from a girl tonight that said she was going through almost exactly what I am going through, and she told me about her faith in the Lord. You know... I felt good talking to her. I told her to have faith, and just give it to God. I think God set us up... he sent her to this website so she could talk to me, and I could encourage her in His word. By doing that I am encouraged. I never say what I don't believe... but saying it reminds me of how much I believe it. I am thinking about asking the Pastor of my church if I could use the church on Thursday nights for a Marriage Restoration support group. I'm not sure exactly how to go about this, but I have been giving him literature on my STAND, and I just feel the need to let other people know that they don't have to give up. Again, by encouraging others, I too will reap the rewards of a heart of joy. By reaching out to others, I too will be touched. I also made a hard decision today. One that I guess should not be hard, but it was. With the financial straights I am in, when I was doing my budget, I did not remove my tithes. Some people would say I am crazy, but I know it's something I have to do. Not just have to, but want to. My sister asked me where does the money from the tithes go. I told her that it goes to helping support the church and the ministry and the programs. She asked how did I know that's what the money went on. I said "I don't KNOW for sure, but I trust them... and where ever it goes, God knows where my heart is when I give it, and that is all that matters." Boy, am I glad I started this journal... this in and of itself is good for me. I always feel a bit better after writing in it. Like it helps me to reconfirm what I already know. And thank you for being a part of it. Thank you for listening to me, and for all of the great responses I have gotten from people, and the prayers and encouragement. Please, whoever you are, whatever your circumstances, you are welcome to email me. I love hearing from people, and make sure I respond. Thanks again for being a part of my life, even though you don't even realize it. God does, and He loves you. Peace. Feeling Uplifted, Toi
Tuesday April 1, 2003 Dear Diary, Today was another yucky day. I'm beginning to wonder how long I can handle feeling like this. I know God will not give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I find myself looking up to Him asking, "Are you sure about this God? Maybe I'm not a strong as you give me credit for." I sat here and cried and cried and cried some more. Like I've said before, I'm not crying because I feel like I want to give up hope, but I am crying because the waiting is so very difficult. I pray God will continue to give me patience and endurance, because He knows that I need them really bad. I keep putting on my makeup in the morning, along with my mascara thinking to myself "I am NOT going to cry today, so mascara is okay." And then, of course I have these big black lines running down my face later on. (I bought some waterproof mascara today, so that will not be an issue anymore!) I went to my first prayer meeting tonight. I must say that it was AWESOME! I did not know a single person there, and felt a little out of sorts at first, but everyone was extremely friendly. Then they passed around the prayer request, for each person to pray for. The first person prayed for their own needs, and then prayed for the person whose request they had. The 3rd person that prayed had a prayer request from me for my sister. That, OF COURSE, made me cry. Then when it was my turn to pray, I tried so very very hard not to cry in front of all these people that I didn't know. Wasn't happening. I cried. And as I had my eyes closed, praying for Steven's salvation, I heard chairs moving. Soon everyone was standing behind me, with his or her hands on me, praying. OY! I cried more! But I kept on praying! When I was all done, a lot of them hugged me and told me that they loved me. How awesome is that! I felt 100 percent better when I walked out of there! Thank The Lord! Thank you God for leading me to people that will help me on this path Dear Lord. Thank You! Me
Wednesday April 2, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, today was a really good day. I felt awesome all day long! Praise The Lord! I could feel Him with me all day long, and was so happy. Every time I thought about how good I felt I would say out loud, Thank You Lord! I did some work on the Prayer/Support group that I want to get started here. I made up a flyer and had copies made. I am going to post them all over the place. You can see a copy of the flyer here. I really feel good about this. And I know that when I am trying to help other people feel better, and understand the Bible, I feel better, like I have a purpose. I did a lot of thinking about things today. The first, and major one was that I thanked God for this situation! Yes I did! Because had it not been for this situation, I would not have been saved, and there would be little or no hope for my family, or Jen. Because of this, and my relationship with God and His Son, Jesus Christ, there will always be hope for everyone I know! Praise The Lord. I cannot believe how I walked around before. It seems now like I was walking in the dark, just getting by on pure luck, but now someone has turned on the light. I am amazed at how bright it is! Thank You Lord! Praise You Lord! Something else I noticed has to do with a person being 'together'. Lt me explain. My friend Brenda and I used to look at people, say, in the supermarket, and wonder why they always looked so 'together'. Here we were in sweatpants and tee shirts most everyday, looking like what could only be described as frumpy. And there would be these people (we mostly noticed women, as we are women) that looked so together. Nothing seemed to faze them, they always looked neat and presentable, and well... together. Well, wouldn't you know that I feel like I am on of those people now! Praise The Lord! I feel good about myself, and my life, and I am hoping it shows through to other people. Maybe someone else will notice, and try to find the answer. Maybe they'll even ask me, and I can tell them it because I found God. I have been asking God to change me and mold me into the person that he wants me to be, and He is doing it. Even just with my house. I think I mentioned before that I was never a person big on housework. There would be days that my house would get really really bad, and it would drive Steven mental! I just never had the desire to get up and do anything. Now I am completely opposite. All of my housework is done by 9:30 in the morning, and I am showered and dressed by then too! It's funny, because these are changes that I notice. Not something subtle, where someone else would say to me "You seem different." I am different. Wow, if God has done this much for me so soon, I cannot imagine the wonders He has in store for me in the future. Glory Be to God, for He is The Almighty! He is working on me, and through me, and I willingly accept it, and welcome it. I know there are going to be days that I feel like nothing is happening, and there is no progress being made in my marriage... but today I know that is not true. I pray to God that when I have thoughts of mine and Steven's life together, one that give me a pang of hurt... I pray that Steven feels it too. As a matter of fact, there have been a few times where all of a sudden I would get this image in my mind of Steven and I together doing something, anything, with Jacob, or just the two of us, and I would get this feeling of loss and regret. Then immediately after I would feel that it was from Steven. Did I say that right? I mean that it was a sign from God that that memory was one He had just put in Stevens mind, and the feeling of regret and loss is what Steven felt while he and the thought. Does that make any sense? I'm going to have to do some research on that in the Bible, and see if I am just nuts, or what. See, told ya I don't know everything... but I'm gonna find out. Also, God had blessed me again in that I am more able today o control my thoughts. Many times I have found myself envisioning Steven with Jen, and then breaking down and crying. It didn't matter what I tried to picture, just them sitting on her couch together, or holding hands, or even what he calls her for a pet name. But no sooner did I think about it, I would be crying, and I could not get the thought out of my head. But today, again, Praise The Lord, it has not been an issue. Even just writing the above things did not cause me any grief. He has Blessed me with the Holy Spirit, and I am able to keep my mind focused on the task at hand! Well, I hope that reading this; you are now feeling as good as I am. I have to go pray now, and read my Bible... which by the way, used to be a chore, but now I thoroughly enjoy it! How kewl is that! Bathing In God's Mercy, Toi
Thursday April 3, 2003
Dear Diary, Ok, prepare yourself, as this one is a real downer, I can tell you that already. I woke up this morning feeling ok. Not extremely up, not extremely down. I did my housework and said my prayers, and prayed for others that have asked me to pray. I went through my Bible, and re read some of my favorite verses. At some point during this, Steven called me to ask if he could take Jacob overnight tomorrow night. I said sure, and then asked him about the money he was supposed to give me on the 1st. He told me that he only had a percentage of it, and then proceeded to tell me that he thinks we would be better off handling our finances differently. What he wants to do is to pay ALL of the household bills himself, including my car payment and insurance, and the Gas and Electric and other utilities and such. He would then not give me any money for child support, and work on paying off those bills. I would use my unemployment check to pay the rent and buy food, and pay off the old utility bills that are in my name, so that eventually I can have everything turned over to me. Then I would take over paying for my car and the other things. You cannot imagine the financial straights this puts me in. But I agreed to it. Somehow, someway God will make this okay. Tomorrow I am going to try to get emergency food stamps, which I really did not want to do. I don't know if I will need to go for any other type of assistance, but my plan is to resist it with all I have. If I have to feed Jacob mac and cheese every night, and not eat myself, I will do it, and not ask Steven for a dime. If he chooses on his own to change the arrangement, so be it. I know I have said this before, but my heart is absolutely broken... and every single time I think I am getting stronger, I crack under the pressure. I feel so weak at times like this, and feel like I am disappointing all of the people that have said how strong I am. (Trying to type through tears here). I don't feel strong in the least. Today I actually wanted to die. Really and truly and literally. I drove my car top speed down my street, and wanted to just plow out into the intersection, and let it be over. I kept thinking to myself "I can't do this anymore... I cannot be this person. God has saved me, so it's okay for me to die." Then I kept driving, not caring who was pulling out in front of me... pretty much daring other drivers to get anywhere near me. I wanted there to be a drunk somewhere that would just plow into me and end this. End this pain! Make me stop hurting. I will take any physical pain over this! I was being really reckless, and I know it. But I really and truly wanted to just die. I can't say that I don't want that now. This just hurts so much. I want this to be over. Please God, take this from me! My spirit is failing! It's not that I don't have faith... I don't have patience, or endurance, though I pray for it every day. I am tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of these feelings sneaking up on me when I think that I am okay. I'm also tired of doubting that I can handle this. I tired of feeling like someone that can't handle this. I'm tired of feeling so alone and lost. I cry out to God to rescue me, but sometimes I wonder if I am crying loud enough. Am I missing something? What else do I need to do? I will gladly do it to remove this pain from my heart. I would willingly die in a heartbeat to end this. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die. I can't feel like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!! My whole world has been flipped turned upside down and I had no say in it, and I am here alone, left to clean up the mess. I'm supposed to act like everything is just peachy for everyone. I am a woman of the world, and nothing fazes me right? NO! I am supposed to be strong for my precious little boy, right? He has to lean on me. I have no one to lean on, no one to wipe away my tears. No one to rub my back and tell me that I will be okay. God said He would not forsake me... and I don't think that He has. But there must be something that I am missing... some mark that I am not seeing. God works beautifully... what a switch, huh? As I was sitting here crying my eyes out and blowing my nose, typing and wishing God would just take me home, someone IM'd me. I may have mentioned her before... SweetAngle... and we chatted for a few minutes, and I feel a lot better. She is in a similar situation, and she helped me feel better. She reminded me that God loves me, and no matter how vulnerable or unprotected I may feel, God is protecting me, and always loves me. I feel like now in the very least I can make it through the night. My poor Jacob... this is the first time I have openly out and out bawled in front of him. I couldn't help it. He just rubbed my back and told me not to worry, that everything would be okay. What a blessing this little boy is. He's one of my many, though sometimes I seem to loose track of them. I'm going to go for now... maybe I'll write more later... depends on my mood I guess, or if I have an epiphanies. Oh, and by the way... waterproof mascara apparently is only waterproof for so long. Toi A Little Later... Dear Diary, I was just sitting here thinking, as usual, and crying. There is something that really really bothers me. Steven left me for another woman! I can't get over that. He did not walk out on me and Jacob, and just say "I don't want you anymore." He walked away from us and to her. She is replacing me. She has replaced me. How can he ever miss me when there will never ever be that empty feeling for him? After 14 years of heartbreaks and triumphs, struggles and victories, he has walked away from it all and chosen Jen. He is not alone. He will always have someone to talk to, to in the least take his mind off of anything that may bother him. I am alone, sitting here looking at these walls, remembering him every second of every day and wiping away my own tears... no one hears me cry... no one knows when my heart is aching. I'm not that important to anyone for them to care about me that much anymore. I really miss having someone come to me and ask me if I am okay. I know, God is here. I know... but He's being awfully quiet right now. Or maybe I just can't hear him over my cries. Me
Friday April 4, 2003 Dear Diary, Good morning. It's 6:30am right now, but I felt the need to get on here and let everyone know that I am okay. After updating my journal last night, I of course cried and cried. I could not stop. Jacob again came over to me and said "Don't worry Mom, you and Daddy will be back together soon." Out of the mouths of babes, eh? Then he asked me what he could do to make me feel better. I told him not to worry about Muma, that I would be okay. And he said, "I know what we can do! Let's read the Bible!" So my precious little man went and got his Bible, and we sat together on the Den loveseat and read from it. God Bless him, I did feel better. He hugged me mightily and said that he doesn't like to see me cry. I don't like for him to see me cry either, but yesterday was just too tough. After that I prayed some more, and then went to bed to read my Bible... LOL... I ended up reading Jacobs, because it was easier to understand some of what I was reading... Hosea. Then I talked to God, and learned some more things about myself... humbling things, that I will share with you later today. I felt really good when I turned off my light to go to sleep, and then I thought about all of the people here, that would read my last entry, and worry about me. So, for you I came and did this early morning update, to let you know that I AM OKAY. I am better than okay... God loves me, and that will always be enough to get me through days like yesterday, even when I myself doubt it. I have also decided to change the graphics here. It may take a while, but I want to use butterflies. I had wanted butterflies from the beginning, but could not find any graphics that I liked. A friend of mine sent a very nice picture so one yesterday, so I am going to make a web set out of it, and brighten up this site. Or maybe I'll even use some of the pictures that I already have, but use brighter colors. I don't know, I'll see. But don't worry; it won't interfere with the pages now, or my writing. OH! I have gotten quite a bit of work done on my book, Broken Hearted; Soul Restored. I am looking for people that would like to read over what I have, and tell me what they think so far. I don't have an editor or anything, so I need some help. Please email me if you would be interested. Thank you! I read a very nice quote yesterday, that I wanted to share while I am here: Everything will be okay in the end... if it's not okay... then its not then end. :) Toi
Saturday, April 5, 2003 Dear Diary, There is not going to be much today, as I am in the process f redoing this site… so check back tomorrow. I do have A LOT to say! Me
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Since March 12, 2003 |
