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March 23, 2003 Dear Diary, I think I have figured some things out! Things about God and Jesus! I’m pretty pumped because of it. When I went into my room last night and got on my knees to pray, man, was my heart heavy. I cried like it was the first time I knew that this was not a dream. I pleaded with God to please bring Steven home now. Please don’t make me wait. I pretty much begged without saying that I was begging. I’m really wondering if fasting has anything to do with my emotions. Each time I have fasted, I have been a basket case, and there has been nothing usual, aside from the ordinary crisis in my life, to make me cry. I have gone days without crying, so why on the days that I fast? I’ll tell you why… because the dark one doesn’t like the fact that I am fasting in prayer for the restoration of my marriage, so he tried to break me. Too bad for him. Anyway, as I sat there crying on my bed, praying, I felt pretty much abandoned, but knew in my heart that I was not. God was watching me, and Jesus was crying with me. Then I had this picture of Christ on the cross, and I stopped crying. I thought about how alone he must have felt. How completely alone. He, Christ, even called out, “Oh God, why have you forsaken me?” I could only grasp a tiny minuscule fraction of the pain his heart was in, never mind his body. And then I realized that he was there for me. He went through that to save me, so that I would never ever have to feel that way! Then I sat there thinking… and I had an epiphany of sorts. Now, this is pretty amazing, as I have been thinking ALL OF MY LIFE, AND NEVER COME UP WITH THIS. I have always wondered exactly where God and Christ stood in the chain of command I guess. I mean, I know God is God, and Christ is His son… but who was I supposed to pray to? God, Christ, both? I can’t even explain right how I did not understand it, but I didn’t. Then again, knowledge filled my mind in a language I could understand. It’s kind of like God is my boss (well, He is, but I mean in a work environment) and Jesus is His Right Hand Man. God is in control, but because of His Love and Knowledge of His Son, has given Christ authority over all aspects of his business (The World). When I need something, I go to Christ, and tell him of my need. He then goes into the bosses office and says, “Okay, this is what Toi thinks she needs. I say we give it to her, she’s a good worker.” Or he may say, “This is what Toi wants, but I don’t think she’s ready for it yet. Why don’t we give her some material to learn from, and then follow up later?” And God listens to Christ, and sees that Christ is sincere in His desire to help me, and in turn, does what Christ has petitioned Him for. I can still go to God on my own, and He will listen to me, but Christ is there to intervene for me, and sorta show that He too is on my side! HOW KEWL IS THAT!!! Okay, gonna go get ready for church now. I am sure I’ll be back later. Me Later Dear Diary, Well, today was another emotional day! It started sort of last night, when I was praying before bed. I was crying a lot, and asking God to please bring Steven home soon! I said I couldn’t wait for him to return, please don’t make me wait! Well, this morning’s sermon at Church was about trusting God, and having patience. Boy did I cry in church! Cry and cry and cry! Then I had to go to my nephews 2nd birthday party. This is my sister in laws son. I was pretty nervous going there, I don’t know why. I just asked God to stay with me, and guide me. I was really okay on the ride there, but once I walked in, and Steven cousins came up and hugged me, I started to cry. Then it became very difficult to stop. At one point, Tammy’s father in law, who was recently divorced, asked me how I was doing… and I started crying again and had to walk out of the house. It just felt so strange to be there with all of HIS family, and he was in Connecticut with Jen. My heart was heavy with missing him. When we finally went to leave, the minute I got into the car I started with the real big bawling cries. I turned up the radio, so my son and his friend did not hear me, but driving was not easy. I ended up at Pastor Kens house, and talked with him and Sister Grace, his wife for a while. They made me feel so much better. Just because they listened to me. I left there after almost 2 hours and felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders. When I came home, I called my friend Lisa. We began talking, and her husband Jeff was in the background, offering his opinion on my situation. He finally got on the phone to speak to me. Though our conversation was over an hour, what it came down to was that he did not want to see me hurt again by accepting Steven back into my life. Once a dog, always a dog. I pointed out to him that at one point he was the aforementioned dog, but Lisa gave him another chance. I again did a lot of explaining about why I feel the way that I do, and why I know what I know about God’s promise of marriage restoration. The title of “Who Gave You That Crazy Idea?” is becoming more and more fitting. Anyway, Jeff and I had a very good conversation. I told him that I welcome him to challenge me at every point, and question everything I say. I told him I wanted that so when this does come to pass (restoration) I can and will Praise The Lord, and say I Told Ya So! He pointed out to me that even ‘if’ (his words, not mine) Steven came home, things would never feel the same. I would always have doubt. I told him that was incorrect, because ‘when’ (my word) Steven comes home, it will be because God ordained it and made it happen… and that in and of itself will erase any doubt. I don’t mean to say we will not have issues or things to work through… but it will be okay. How much sweeter the reward when you have to fight for it. He asked me if I was going to sit around for the rest of my life waiting for Steven. I said NO. I will not be sitting here waiting for him. There is so much more to who I am, and what makes me the person I am. My relationship with Steven is but one facet on a many faceted diamond. Yes, the diamond has a flawed facet right now… but there are all of the other ones to look at while that one is being repaired. I told him that I will work on the person that I am, and who God wants me to be. And when Steven comes home, I will be a new person. He asked me how this is supposed to work if my beliefs are not Steven's beliefs. I told him right now, Steven doesn’t have my beliefs, but when he comes home, he will have a thirst for the knowledge of God, and it will be him that peruses to quench it. I will help him. It was really a very revealing conversation. I was able to speak about my convictions assuredly and not once did he make me question myself, though he tried. I even at one point told him, and meant it, that I am a very happy person right now. Yes, there is this situation with my husband that is not as I like. But that’s okay. My life is still good, and God blesses me every day. It’s kind of like redoing your house. You love your house, but when it’s being redone, it’s all ugly and in shambles. But you deal with it because you know how beautiful it’s going to be when it’s done, and you know that it’s worth the wait. I know that I have a lot of growing to do right now, and I will do it. I will allow God to continue to guide me, and Jesus to intervene on my behalf. And it will be all right. I know that. Period. Good night friend.
Monday March 24, 2003 Dear Diary, I wasn't too sure I wanted to write today. It was another one of those down days. I spent a lot of time crying again, for no obvious reason. At one point I was doing laundry and I found a pair of Steven boxer shorts... I cried. Then I decided that I needed to do a little cleaning up, and I went through all of my clothes to give some of them away. I did most of what I did with my clothes with the thoughts of "Well, Steven never liked this one, so I'll give it away." And of course, I had a memory of Steven that related to every single article of clothing I own. If he was with me when I bought it, what he said when I wore it... everything I probably should not remember, I did. Then I rearranged my clothes, as I have all this extra drawer space now. That made me cry, to put my clothes in HIS drawers. I cried and cried... at one point I even fell to my knees and started crying out to God to release me from this pain. I miss his so much. There is no way to describe it. I find myself thinking about him all day long, and wondering what he's doing, if he's okay. If he even misses me just a little bit. Does he see anything that reminds him of me? Does he ever forget the situation and think he has to pick up the phone to call me and tell me about something happening at work? I pray that God puts the same emotions I am having in Steven's heart, so that he will remember, and not forget. Also, this crying thing is sort of a comfort in a strange twisted way. I have these days when I feel really good, and think, "Okay, this ain't so bad... I CAN do this." And no crying. But sometimes that worries me, because I get scared that the distance I feel from the pain is satans way of making me forget, so that I don't pursue my prayers and faith. If I don't care, maybe he thinks I will stop following the word of God. So when I cry, and feel that pain, and know that it is till real to me, oddly enough, it feels good. I have not forgotten, I am not numb. Some days I might walk a little taller, others I might be bowed over in grief, but on ALL days, God is with me, and His Son Jesus is comforting me. This I KNOW. I went to Bible Study tonight. A lot of ladies showed up, and it was really nice. We learned more about a little baby we prayed for last week. She was born very ill and they did not think she was going to make it. Well, this week the baby's grandmother told us that she is on the upswing, and breathing on her own! Praise The Lord. I will continue to pray for that little girl, and her family... so that one day I can see her play in the church playground with all of the other children. Steven called here twice today. Once this morning to find out if I was going to meet him on the base to get my military ID. I told him it was not a good idea today because Jacob had no school, and his friend Robby was over. He sounded kind of blah. And then he called to talk to Jacob tonight... again he sounded blah. I am not sure if it's a sin, but I am hoping that blah is coming from being away from his family. You know, I remember Steven telling me at one point when this all started that he felt like there was something missing from his life, and he thought that Jen had it. Tonight at Bible Study, as we were all praying, a and one of the ladies lifted our family up in prayer, she said "Let Steven feel that there is something missing from his life, Lord God, and let him know that it is You!" I never thought of that, not once. I am realizing that she was right, and God had already started working on that before. They say everything happens for a reason, that God has His hand in all matters. I believe that this is happening to me and Steven and our family so that I could be saved, and Glorify God's name, and so that Steven can come to know the Lord. And even Jen. I also know that I have a lot to learn still. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I really don't like feeling like this all day long for days on end. I want to smile tomorrow because I feel like smiling, not because I feel like I have to so that no one will ask me what is the matter. In Jesus name, I pray. Me
Tuesday March 25, 2003 Dear Diary, Today was another tough day, and I am beginning to really not like this pattern. I had to go meet Steven on the base this morning to get my new Military ID. I was pretty nervous getting there, which was odd to me. I was nervous about going to see my husband. That's not right. Anyway, he met me in the parking lot, and I got into his car. Again, it wasn't right. Usually when we ride in the car, I reach over and tuck my hand under his leg, and he would hold it while he was driving. But all I could do look out the window on the right so that he would not see my eyes tear up. He got to the building for the ID's and walked in way ahead of me. When we got inside, he went to the counter, told the lady what we needed. He referred to me as 'the person I told you about.' She called me over, and Steven walked away. I did my thing, and signed the papers, and then she called Steven over, he signed and started to walk out. As we did I asked him, "Why do you treat me like I've done something wrong?" He just said, "I'm not." Boy, that was it. It was so hard to not make noises when I was crying in his car... our car... the car we purchased together! And I kept thinking that at some point in time, Jen was sitting in my seat, probably with her hand tucked under Steven's leg. I couldn't even look at him when I got out. I just said "Thanks" and ran over to my car. I was a wreck. People were looking at me as they walked past my car, and I'm sure they could hear my howls. I sat there for a good twenty minutes crying, and trying to get myself together. It was tough. I've been reading tons of different books, including my Bible. Most of the others are about prayer, and Marriage Restoration. In one particular book it said that yes, God answers your prayers, but you need to ask him to change you before that other person can be changed. Change me? I didn't think I needed to be changed. I was not the problem, right? Well, after sitting in Newport, crying, I was willing to ask God to turn me purple if it would help. So I cried out "Please God, change me, so that I can follow your will! PLEASE!" I sorta yelled at him, but he knows how I can get. I also asked Him to give me a pure heart, and to make me into the wife Steven needs when he comes home. You know, all my life there have been things about me that I did not like, that I would always say to myself, "Self, tomorrow you're gonna start doing this... or start doing that." Yeah, well, self ain't tough enough because self never did it. And I pretty much knew I wouldn't, but maybe if I said it often enough, one day I would do it But today I feel different. I can't explain exactly how, but I do. This is a bit embarrassing to say, but I have not been a very good housekeeper the past few years. I don't know why. When Steven first moved in with me, I was meticulous. I was a pain actually, and everybody told me. Everything had to be just so. I'm not sure when it happened, but Steven and I reversed rolls, and he became the neat freak, and I became very lax. That would get on his nerves something fierce! Well, I have been keeping the house pretty neat, mostly because I know that there is no one here to help me, and if I don't I will just have this huge mess to deal with all at once. But today, when I walked in the door, I felt different about my home. I went and started making beds, and doing dishes, which I hate! And I was thinking to myself... "You never know when Steven will come home, so you want it to look nice." I've also read a lot about praying for people, and I realized that I never ever prayed for Steven the right way. I would say things like "Dear Lord,please take care of Steven," and things like that. Vague. But I never really knew what to ask for him, so I just said that. I didn't think my prayers would do anything for him anyway, as he did not believe in God. Now I know that's not true, and my prayers will help him, weather he believes or not. I might have mentioned this before, but I have always had a difficult time praying to God for things for myself. And I don't mean physical things, like a new car, or a new TV. I mean intangible things. I would just say, "Please let everything work out for the best." Then I would leave it up to God to figure out what the best was. I have recently learned that you have to pray for what you want and need. If you need money to pay your rent, ask God for a financial blessing. If you need anything, you have to ask God for that thing! I was still a bit uncomfortable with that until Sunday. On Sunday, my son and his little friend were here, and they were dancing around the subject of having a snack. Jacob said things like "Gee, do we have any chips? I like chips." And "I think Robby would like something salty to munch on." I was just looking at him thinking I know exactly what he wants, but until he asks me, I am not giving it to him. I have always been like that. I don't know why. Even with friends and family. If my sister were to say to me, "Wow, I have no way of getting to work tomorrow, wonder what I am going to do." I would simply say to her, "Ask someone." I thought I could always tell when someone was reaching for me to offer something, but I alwayswanted them to ask. Not that I ever had a problem doing for anyone, I just wanted to be asked, instead of someone thinking they suckered me into doing something for them without my realizing it. Wasn't very Christian again, was it? Yep, I'm noticing a lot of that lately about myself. But anyway, I GOT IT! I connected the two ideas in my head. All I wanted was to be asked for what someone needed from me, and I would gladly give them what I had. That's all that God wants, to be asked. Not to be tricked or connived into doing for you, but to be asked with a sincere heart. Kewl! I still acknowledge that God's time is not my time, and will continue to pray for patience and understanding until the time He sees fit to restore my marriage. And with His help, and the love of Christ, I will continue to grow and learn. I am reminded of a cute little joke I heard a long time ago, and I want to share it with you. A little boy was talking to God one day, and he said, "God, how long is a million years to you?" And God said, "Time means nothing to me, so a million years could be a minute." The little boy thought about it, and then asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "Money means nothing to me, so a million dollars is worth but a penny." The little boy again went into thought. After a few minutes he said, "God, can I have a million dollars?" God smiled and patted him on the head, "Sure," He replied, "Just wait a minute." Me Wednesday March 26, 2003 Dear Diary, Praise The Lord, today was a good day!!! God is so good to me. I'll never understand His love for me, but that's okay... I will never stop trying to please Him! Thank You Jesus for all you have given me! So, would you like to know about my day? Okay, I'll tell you. I woke up this morning feeling peaceful. Not overly happy, or overly sad... just peaceful. I got dressed this morning and took my son to school, then came home to clean the house up after having friends over for dinner last night, like a good little wife... :) I put on a tape on from one of the Marriage Ministries that I have corresponded with, and listened to it while I cleaned. I love those tapes. They are so uplifting. My friend Brenda came up with her sister Karen, and asked me to help her move furniture downstairs. To tell you the truth, I really didn't feel like doing it, but I knew the Christian thing to do would be to help her, so I did. It wasn't bad at all. And we got it down pretty quickly. Then I took a nap, but first I prayed. On the tape I had listened to earlier, it said to come to God and confess your sins, even the ones you don't remember. Now, I had thought I had done that. But again, I was vague. I would say thing like "Please forgive me for the sins I have committed today" and just skirt by them. Today I rattled off everything that I could think of, from the time that I was little until just this afternoon. I am sure I missed plenty of them, but I tried. I then again asked God to give me a pure heart, and understand, so that I could speak and act according to His will. I felt pretty good when I woke up. The day got better. Steven called at about 3pm to pick up Jacob at 4. I sat here in my den and prayed like I have never prayed before, and for longer than I have ever prayed before. I kept quoting scriptures, and telling God I knew His word, and His promises. I also told Him that I willingly commit myself to Him, to use as He would for his Will. I spoke out loud, "No weapon forged against us shall prevail." 'What God has brought together let no man put asunder" and many other ones. Remember, Jesus subdued satan by quoting God's word from the Bible. I told satan there is no place for him here, and I had no time for him, so, because I claimed the authority in my life given to me by Jesus Christ, he must flee from my life, and the life of Steven, and of Jen. I prayed for her salvation too. I prayed right up until Steven knocked on the door, and said Amen as he walked in. Well, to make a long story short, Steven ended up staying for dinner! Jacob had whispered to me about sending his daddy home with some corn bread I made yesterday, and then he went and asked Steven if he would stay for dinner. Steven said yes, and that he thought that was what Jacob had asked me. Dinner was nice. I just happened to have made Steven's favorite homemade stuffing last night, so we had that with leftovers. It wasn't a typical dinner in our household as far as conversation goes; we mostly talked with and to Jacob, but remember, this is from a man who just yesterday rode in a car with me and didn't speak but 2 three-word sentences with me the whole time. Also, I went to Wal-Mart today, to pick up some more Christian CD's. Originally I was going to go to Best Buy, but while I was driving something made me choose Wal-Mart. I am new to Christian music, so I don't know who has what song or anything. So again I asked God to lead me to a CD He thinks would be good for me. I picked up one by Rebecca St. James with a song titled STAND, and another one that I don't know the name of, but one of the chorus lines is "I will pray for you my love." God Is Great! It's a really good CD. I have faith in my God, and comfort from Jesus. I will make it through this, and God will make it joyous! I will continue to pray, and to fast, and do whatever God leads me to do. I have asked God to remove this mountain of trouble from my life, in Jesus name, into the sea... and it WILL be done. Feeling Very Blessed, Me
Thursday March 27, 2003 Dear Diary, Jeepers... just when I start to feel strong, I turn into a big baby! Today was pretty good to start with. I did a lot of praying today. I actually spent about 2 hours on my knees praying this afternoon for Steven and Jen, and other family and friends that need prayers. I was feeling really good. Steven was coming over this evening to play video games with Jacob. It was okay... but again, he never talked to me. I sat and prayed and read my Bible while they played, and started weeping a bit... not terribly much. But then the more I prayed for God to fill me with the Holy Spirit, the more I cried. Steven never saw that. I was cleaned up before he was ready to leave. I sat at the dinning room table, and read some more. He walked out of the door and I said "I Love You". He said "Okay" which was pretty much what I expected, and it was okay, I just needed for him to hear it from me. But as soon as he shut the door I began bawling like a baby... and don't cha know he walked right back in the house. "I forgot my tools." He went into his old closet in the den and started rummaging through things. I think he got kind of aggravated that everything was pretty much just piled up in there. He started having an attitude. I asked him what was wrong, and got the typical sharp "Nothing". Then a childhood friend of his called me. She lived across the street from him growing up for years, and they havemaintained a very good friendship since. She is also a good friend of mine now. Anyway, she wanted to know if I felt like having company. I said, "Yes, please." Steven was still here when she got here. Every other time Steven has ever seen her, he has always been up beat and happy, and usually would do something like jump or her lap and mess up her hair or something. Today, when he came out of the den, she said "Hi, what's up?" And he just looked at her and said "Same s*it, different day." He then proceeded to go through our junk drawer to find more tools. I asked him if he was going to leave any tools for me. He looked at me and said "Babe, I need all of my tools." Gee, should I be happy that he called me babe? I don't know, but when he left the second time, I broke down again, and Lee comforted me. Then Brenda came upstairs (she had come up before, but I was praying) and we all sat around and talked. They had me laughing soon enough, and I do feel better. This is just so tough. It really is like a roller coaster ride. I have this desire to write Steven an email and just talk to him, but I'm afraid if I do, that would be 'helping God." So I asked God to tell me what to do. Maybe I'll post a letter to Steven on that page here tomorrow, if I do nothing else with it, at least I'll get the feelings down. Right now I am going to go pray, and pray, and then pray some more. Struggling To Have Patience Me
Friday March 28, 2003 Dear Diary, Today was okay I guess. I drove to Boston to pick up my little sister, Tennille. She is going to church with me on Sunday, so I am excited about that. I did a lot of reflecting today, especially on the ride there and back. Still feeling kind of down. That's about it. Me
Saturday March 29, 2003 Dear Diary, Today was a really good day. I felt really really good. It seems like after I have these bouts of 'lows' I feel like I am saved all over again. Not that my 'lows' contain any doubt about God's plan, I just get to feeling like I miss my husband. I learned a lot today. A very nice couple that have been in my situation reached out to me and called me to speak with me. I thought that was awesome! They had a lot of very good advice, and gave me some good scriptures to read. They are going to send Jacob and myself a few things from their church, and find out about some Christian 'get-a-ways'. Thank the Lord they came into my life. I think it was set up by The Big Guy! :) I also went to the bookstore today and bought a couple of books to sort of help me understand more about praying. Sometimes I think I am not praying, cuz I'm just sort of talking to God. But the lady (I don't want to put her name here without her permission) that I spoke with today said that talking to God the way I was is also praying. Again today I asked God to work on me. Change me into what he needs me to be, and create in me a clean heart. HEY! I am fasting again today, and guess what?!? I have not cried once!!!! Thank the Lord! I have noticed subtle changes in myself. A lot of them. I am very up on my house, keeping it clean, which I never used to be. I used to let the house get messy, and clean it all up at once. Now I am on top of everything right when it happens. Also, I have little or no desire to gossip. When my friends and I are sitting around chatting, one of them may say something like "Did you see what so and so was wearing? She looked horrible!" Normally, I would have said something, but I find myself trying to dissuade the conversation more. My friend Lee said to me the other day that she hoped that I would not loose who I am in this. She likes my personality. I told her that I will still be fun and outgoing... I'll just have to come up with new jokes! LOL The other two observations I have made about myself is that I don't swear anymore. I used to always try to make myself not swear, but I would mess it up daily. Now I don't even have to think about it... the words just don't even occur to me to say. And I have WAY more patience! No yelling at people when I am driving, or getting frustrated with slow drivers, and best of all, with Jacob. So much more patience! Thank you Lord. I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me. I willingly look forward to and will help God to mold me into the person He desires me to be. It has such a peaceful feeling. Really. I will continue to pray for Steven, and that in time our marriage will be restored and repaired, but today I understand that I have got to change first, and put God before all else. With Him, neither Jacob nor me will fail. He will be my spouse for a season, and the head of my household. I am blessed. Many people take a very long time to learn what God has revealed to me about myself in this shot time. Praise The Lord. May God Bless You, Me
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