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March 14, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, today was a pretty good day... a blessed day. I think this is going to be along entry, so I am very happy that I am now typing in on the computer... too much writing. Jacob and I went to church today... mind you, this was Jacob's first visit to church that wasn't for a wedding or a baptism besides the Bible Study we went to last week. And he liked it! He was clapping for the music, and paid attention... most of the time! Praise The Lord! Again, signs from God... one of the songs, I can't remember what it was, had a very specific phrase in it. Let me explain. In Marriage Restoration, when you stand in faith that God will restore your spouse, it is called "Standing". When I emailed one of the ministries to tell them that I appreciated the Biblical literature they shared with me, I told them that even though this was a difficult situation, "I would STAND!" That was about 4 days ago, and I have been using that phrase daily in conversations with friends about my position in this, and in prayers to God and Jesus. Well, during one of the hymnals, as they put the words on the overhead projector, I began to sing the song (first time I have ever sang out loud in church in my life!) I read the words as I sang, so I could follow along, but the bottom portion of the sheet was blocked. When the girl moved it, so that we could see the verse, the only words there were "I Will STAND!" Are you getting goose bumps, cuz I am? I just looked at that words, smiled a great big smile, and looked up to God and winked, and thanked Him. That you Lord, for putting things in my path to let me know that I am doing the right thing. Then as the pastor was speaking, he referred to other people's salvation. And then he just said, "Don't worry, if you pray for them, God Will Bring Them Home!" God Will Bring Them Home!" Again, I ask you... how kewl is that! So, I left church, a very happy person once again! Thank you Jesus! Later in the afternoon, I went to one of Jacob's friends house to pick him up to play with Jacob. I started speaking to his mom, who asked me how things were going with this situation and my husband. I told her that I have chosen to stand for my marriage, and continue to pray for Steven and Jen and their salvation. She got all excited and ran into her bedroom and brought out a book she is letting me borrow. It's called "The Power of A Praying Wife" by Stormie someone... I'll get that info later when I am not at the computer. Again, God directing my path. She also told me that her and her husband have been together for almost 27 years, and at the beginning, for a very long time, her husband was not a believer. He was an agnostic. Funny she should mention that because that was, and to many degrees, still is Steven. Even though he was raised in the church, he didn't believe. He would be the first to tell you that he needs proof of everything. He has to be able to touch it and feel it and see it to believe it. Just in the past I would say 2 months, he has started making a turn, for the better. During the time after he told me that Jen had called and told him she loved him, when we where having very deep conversations, he made many references to God, and how I was his connection to Him. He said that after all these years of me talking about Him; some things were starting to sink in. He said that in the very least, he now believes that there is some higher power directing his life. This is a start. Even when I told him about my infidelity, he said simply, "If that was where God led you, there is a reason for it." I personally think that was just an attempt on his part to not discuss it, but again, a start. And finally, during the first 2 days after he left, the few times that I spoke to him, he told me that he had been driving around talking to his mother, who remember, passed away in 1999. Now, I'm not sure where I stand on that. I have not quite figured out what happens to the soul after a person dies, and I am not sure if you should be talking to them, but in my minds eyes, I see him in the very least opening his mind and heart to an answer from somewhere beyond himself. I will continue to pray for his salvation, and for God to help him see Him. I love Steven Soares with all of my heart, and do want for him to be happy in God and in life... but we all know that they are one and the same, don't we. Oh, and by the way... Jacob had no contact with his father today, at all. That is going to continue to make me mad. Until Tomorrow, Me
Monday March 17, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, I feel pretty good about me this morning. Here it is only 7:30 in the morning, and I have made a positive decision. I was supposed to go and work for a lawyer for the next two weeks... a divorce practice none the less. A friend of mine knew I was out of work, and gave them my name. When the attorney called me, he said that he would pay me under the table so that it would not interfere with my unemployment benefits, or child support. I said okay. I knew that I could use the extra money, and figured I just would not report the income, or tell Steven about it. Well, I agonized over that decision all weekend. I prayed about it, and finally last night asked God to just tell me what to do. This morning I received a devotional that told me about claiming authority over things in our life in the name of Jesus Christ. So, here I sat at my computer, and said out loud. "I claim authority over my life and my choices in the name of Jesus Christ, and I say these attorney will not have me there to work and lie." About five minutes later I picked up the phone and called them. I told them exactly why I would not be there, because I had prayed, and it was not right to lie, and I could not do it. Granted, I left a message on the answering machine, but still, I did it. I am so bad with things like that. I so dislike confrontation of any kind when I am the instigator. (You wouldn't know that when I am mad though). I mean, I don't even like closing bank account because I fear the people in the bank will take it personally! LOL... so this was a big step for me. But I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I also this morning started having am angry conversation with Steven in my head about his actions with Jacob. It went something like this. "You listen to me Mr. Soares. You have chosen that girl over your own son. You have left him here without you, and taken up with her. What kind of father is that? What in that makes you any different then your father? Huh? You should be ashamed of yourself, because I am." Then I calmed down and just asked God what I should do, because I know those words would not improve any of our situations. God told me to simply "wait more'. Those were his exact words, I promise. So, I will wait more, and try very hard not to let this get under my skin so much. Until Later, Me Later Dear Diary, Here is another thing that I just thought of that I feel is God's work. For the 7 years that my husband has been in the Navy, I have never ever lost my Military Dependent ID. Misplaced it many times, but have always found it. Well, for the past week I have not been able to find it. The last time I remember using it was when I was in the emergency room the Wednesday after Steven left. I have searched high and low. I have even gone out into the garbage shed and taken everything out of the bags, looking for it (I did find a $23 dollar check I had been looking for though!). I have said my missing items prayer, that has ALWAYS worked for me, except once when I was 17, and I think that was because someone stole my Bon Jovi shirt. But anyway, this has always worked for me, with much much less effort than I have put into finding this ID. This ID is my connection to grocery shopping at the commissary, my insurance, everything that I would need to do; I need that for as a military dependent, which I still am. Can't find it. So, how is God's hand in this? Well, I had to call Steven this morning and tell him that I lost it, and he now has to go to an office called PSD and get a new page two, which states that I am his dependent. He than has to bring me onto the base and go with me to the offices I have to go to in order to get a new one. That means he must spend time with me. So, maybe we'll get some kind of conversation out of this? I'm not thinking that we'll suddenly get back together (But hey, stranger things have happened... have you heard about that red sea incident? LOL) I'm just saying that for, as much as he has been trying to avoid me... he cannot in this situation. If he did, he would be bigger jerk then I thought, and I would simply call his Commanding Officer again, and tell him about what Steven won't help me do. But he said he would get it started this morning, so, I'll keep praying. :) Until Later Still, Me
Tuesday March 18, 2003 Dear Diary, Whew, today was a tough one. Here’s the scoop. First, I went out yesterday and got my hair done, recolored and cut, and bought new clothes (I've lost 40 pounds) and had my nails done. I then went today to visit my friends at my old job and speak to my former Christian boss. She asked me how things were going with my husband, and I explained to her my decision to stand. She was very polite, but tried to say things like "Yes, God will take care of it, but it may not be the way you want." I told her that was not what I knew. I have heard God's promise, and KNOW it will happen, the same way I know when I take 3 steps from my desk, I will be in my dinning room. I know it. Period. I kind of feel like I have to let everyone know that I am standing for my marriage, so that when it is restored I can Glorify God to them, and show them what happens when you have faith. I was then excited when my husband said he was coming over for us to go through the bills. I wanted him to see my new look. I prayed to God to give me the strength to carry myself according to His way. When he got here he started talking about what he needed for when he files. I asked, "File what?" I thought he was talking about taxes! LOL He said "For divorce". I looked him in the eyes, asked God to guide my words, and told him about my decision. Mind you, my husband is not saved, and swears he never will be. I showed him verses in the bible, quoted scripture to him, and told him I would not divorce him. I told him that even if he gets a judge to order me to sign the papers, I will not. I will go to jail if I HAVE TO, BUT I WILL NOT SIGN THE PAPERS. I'm not doing this out of spite or anything, but because I know it is not God's will. He got very very mad at me. And the whole time I thought, this is satan working. He wants me to believe that my husband is now going to hate me because I wont just let go and allow him to get on with his life. Some of the things he said did make me cry, as they were hurtful to hear from a man that just 2 weeks and 2 days ago promised me he loved me. But I tried to explain to him that if it was about making his life miserable, I could do that through the military, and his relationship with the OW. They do NOT look kindly on adultery. I said that if I just wanted to take easy way out, I could sign the papers and give in. I said if I were concerned about his resentment towards me because of it, I would just sign. But it's none of those reasons. I KNOW WHAT GOD WANTS ME TO DO. Period. The more indignant he got, the more I know what I am doing is right. I know that time and time again satan is going to try to block me, but honestly, I don't care. I know what I know, and that's all there is to it. I am unwavering in my faith, no matter what he or anyone else says. I can already hear his family saying "Why hold on to someone that doesn't want you, get over it." It's not just about holding on to someone that doesn't want me, I know that. I don't care how mad he gets, how frustrated other people get, or how dark it looks. I will not waiver. End of story. I also told Steven, who again, is not a believer... yet, that I asked God to put people in his path to guide him, and Jen. I told him he will one day see things he doesn't understand, hear things he doesn't understand, and feel things he doesn't understand. And soon after, he will begin to understand that it is God, looking for His lost sheep. Praise The Lord! I also wanted to share with everyone something very special. I think I was saved today. I truly felt the love of Christ this morning. I was cleaning my house, listening to a Church tape that a pastor sent me. Though he gave the service in 1998, it was written for me. At one point on the tape, he said, "STAND! I kept cleaning. "STAND I SAID!" The word stand finally hit me, and I stopped to listen. He started speaking, and I felt so moved, I cried and cried... not tears of pain, or of missing my husband, but tears of relief and joy, and love. I praised Jesus, and God, and felt so safe. It was truly beautiful. All this time I considered myself a Christian, and now I see that I was an acting Christian, only doing what I thought God wanted me to do, but not feeling it in my heart. Now I feel it! It's awesome! And my faith in God, and his promise are solid as a rock. I told my friend that I don't care if restoration doesn't come until I am 82, I will not give up the knowledge God has blessed me with. I will continue to treat Steven with love and compassion, and pray for his salvation. Satan doesn't even scare me anymore. As a matter of fact, I told him off yesterday. I was lying in bed, reading my bible, and I kept having malicious thoughts about Jen. I knew who was placing them there. I turned to face the room and said, "You know something? You really messed this one up, butthead! If you would have left everything alone, you could have had 3 people in the least, an acting Christian, an agnostic, and the OW. But because you chose to stick your nose in this, and mess with my family, I have come closer to God, and heard HIS promise. I'm not doing anything for you. And because of my new relationship with Christ and His father, I know that through my prayers, Steven and Jen will also be saved. So you just lost 3 of us... too bad." My husband this evening just walked out of the house in a storm grabbing some of his things. Normally it would have broken my heart, but though it hurt, I knew who had placed that animosity there. Not Steven, but satan. The more he opposes me, the further down I will dig my heels. The more that goes against me, the more I know that I am right in my stand, and my faith in Gods promise. Not only do I stand, but also I stand tall. Until Later, Me
Wednesday March 19, 2003 Dear Diary, Today was pretty good I guess. I kinda felt a little down during the day. Not down as in maybe what I am doing is not right, just sorta blah As far as if what I m doing is right, this is how I explained it to my friend Brenda. Remember those times when you have to make a big decision, and you always wonder if you've made the right one until after everything works out okay? Well, I don’t have that anxiety. I just know it’s the right choice. The same way you don’t have to test weather or not it a good choice to stay off the tracks when a train is coming, I know this is the right choice. I did see Steven this morning. He needed money so I gave him a few dollars. And he called me several times regarding bills in his name. I am so sure that I never tried to give him the impression that I wanted each of us to just take off with out own bills and be done with it. I don’t know how he came to that conclusion, but he did. He seems to be really mad at me still. I guess I can’t blame him, but you know. He should not be blaming me either. Regardless of why I choose to STAND for my marriage, what kind of person would I be, if after 14 years of what I thought was a good marriage, I jut up and consented to a divorce after 2 weeks? To me that would mean the marriage really didn't mean anything to me, and it does. It truly does. I love him so very much, and I will never cease to pray that God can find him, and save him. I also prayed hard for Jen last night that she can be saved as well. I wish no one harm here, no one. Bible Study was good, though we didn't do any studying. We spent the entire time praying about the war, and asking that God put His hand in it so that His Will be carried out. I was sort of short tempered with Jacob today too. I don’t know why, but I apologized to him later. I told him he was still wrong for doing the things he did, but that I should not have reacted the way I did, with yelling. And I can yell pretty loud. I bought him a new Bible today. Not one of the little children Bibles, but more of a big boy bible. Really easy to understand, but it tells more that the other version. I was thinking about reading it myself! LOL That’s it for now, so until later, Me
Thursday March 20, 2003 Dear Diary, Well, another so so day. Actually, I finally got my entire site up and running, Praise The Lord! It’s funny, because I sat here for along time working on this, and wondered, is this really what I am supposed to be doing with my time? I wasn't sure. I do tend to get somewhat obsessive with things, and demand that they are as perfect as I can make them. (There are stll things that bug me with this site, like pictures not lining up just right! LOL) Anyway, yesterday, when I was very close to being done, I started having all sorts of problems. Pictures were not showing up, text was changing, html was NOT WORKING! I finally gave up and went to bed early, as I was beginning to think some un-Christian thoughts! As I lay in bed I did my praying, and talking with God, and at one point I asked him if it was He messing with my site, or satan. He didn't answer me right away, but this morning when I got up, I decided to give it one last shot, and if it worked, good. If not, it would be my sign from God that He did not want me working on this. Well, don’t cha know that everything went as smooth as pie. I was able to just sit down and figured out all of the problems I was having, and their solutions. Thank You Jesus! I have sat here, going over the text of the site, re-reading certain things. And I found another sign! It is in the section of Letters From Steven. There is one letter there were he says to me, and I quote You are my wife now and forever more. So don't shrivel up and die on me. I need you standing tall and firm. I have read those letters over and over and over again, and just today they stood out for me. Everyday I ask God to talk to me, and let me know what His will is and he has not let me down, nor will he ever! Until Later Me
Dear Diary, Well, here I am again. I need to start carrying around one of those little recorder things, because throughout the course of the day I think of all of these things that I want to put here, and then I forget what they are when I am at the computer! I do remember one thing, and maybe while I am telling you about it I'll remember the other. I got butterflies in my belly today. Why is that something worth telling you about? Because, I was just going through my day, la dee da and I started thinking about when Steven comes home. It happened to me twice today, and it was such an awesome feeling! There was no 'Oh, gee, I hope he comes home' or 'If only' It was excitement at the absolute knowledge that he will come home! Praise The Lord. And I remembered the other thing! Told Ya! While I was up loading my site, I had this intense desire to send a link of this site to either Jen or her mother. See, I know her mom is not too keen on this situation because Jen told me the night I was at her house that her mom was not happy about her decision to call a married man and tell him she loved him. So, I’m kinda thinking the mother would be on my side. But then, there was that little angel on my shoulder saying, I dont know Toi. I’m not sure that is such a good idea. But the urge was SO STRONG! I put it off, knowing that God would give me a sign I was thinking specifically if someone emailed me and suggested it. Then I would do it. Well, I got an email all right. It was from a daily devotional from one of the marriage ministries I belong to. And the topic was ’God doesn't need your help.’ It funny, because that phrase kept going through my mind while I was contemplating. I had read it somewhere before, and it kept coming back to me. So, once again, there is my sign. I told my husband the other day, when I told him I was not divorcing him, about all of the signs. Not o convince him, but so that when this does come to pass, he will have known about as much of it before hand as possible. He told me that he thinks I am just seeing what I want to see. He’s right I am seeing what I want to see. I want to see signs from God, and I am seeing them. The same way a flower in bloom is a sign from God, so is everything else! We'll see just what he has to say about THAT when hes back home hopefully we won’t be old timers stuck in a bed somewhere! LOL. I'll continue to pray and STAND! Me
Friday March 21, 2003 Dear Diary, Good morning! Oh, what a beautiful day! Well, okay, so it’s rainy outside of my window, but, like any other day, today is full of hope and promise! That makes it beautiful. You know, I love the way I wake up now! As soon as I open my eyes, I am praying. I used to try to do that, but I would find myself around nine going ‘OH! Darn’, and saying my prayer then. Now it’s like I never stop praying, from the time I go to sleep to when I wake up, and then some! I asked God last night to Deliver me from all of the many malicious thoughts I have about Jen. Not evil thoughts, as I have never wished her harm. But I would think things like "How could she, she has some nerve she'll get hers.' I have also wanted to call her many times and say things that would hurt her. Well, this morning, during my morning prayers, I actually felt that maliciousness being lifted, and I prayed very very hard for her. I know she needs God in her life, as much as anyone else. This is a girl that is 26 or 27 years old, and has been divorced twice. She is not standing with the Lord, and I know how lonely that can be. (I'm gonna cry right now just thinking about this). I know now that when I pray for her, it is real. I don’t just want her saved because it will make my life easier. I want her saved because she needs it. God loves her so much more than I do, and I know he will reach her, and hold her and comfort her. I will also pray that one day we can be friends. Real friends. Maybe I can be the vessel God uses to guide her. Praise The Lord, and thank you for delivering me from my malicious thoughts. Another of my observations this morning is this. Well, first, let me explain something. I seem to have a hard time saying ‘I have faith in God.’ Now, before you pass out, here’s the explanation. Maybe my definition of faith is incorrect. But right now, to me, it means believing in something that you don’t know. Believing in it and hoping it will be good in the end. I don’t feel that way. When I say I have complete knowledge that my situation, and everyone else’s is in God’s hands, I mean COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE! The same way that I know, again, when I take 3 little steps from my computer desk in the den, I will be in my dining room. ABSOLUTLY, no if’s, and’s or but’s about it. So, that being said, this is what I wanted to share. With Steven being in the Navy (Thank God and Jesus that he is on shore duty right now, and stationed here in the states I will pray for everyone involved in this war, and ask God to keep his hand in it that His will be done.) Anyway, with Steven being in the Navy, there were many times that he was gone for months and we did not see him at all. I missed him terribly, and would look forward to his homecoming with anticipation. I knew he would be home on such and such a day. That is exactly how I feel now, minus the knowledge of the date. I know he will be home. When he is here to pick up Jacob and he is acting mean towards me, most of the time, I dont see that as my Steven. I see that as the person that is under control of the ways of the world, and I just have to continue praying for him. Kind of like when I knit a scarf. It doesn't look like a scarf in the beginning, but one day it will. He is an incomplete scarf right now, and I just have to devote my time to praying that it be completed. I cannot explain to you the comfort and peace Jesus has provided for me with the knowledge. Everything is okay, and it will remain okay. Because God said He loves us, and Jesus dies for us, including Steven and Jen, and anyone else that may be wandering from the Path. As I said before, They love everyone so much more that we are even capable of imagining, and I know my heart wants everyone to be bathed in The Love of Jehovah and Jesus. All I can do is pray for it they will MAKE it happen. Praise The Lord, and may God Bless You, whose mind is reading these words, so that you have the knowledge of God in your life. Me
Dear Diary, Well, I’m back again. Today has tried to become a very trying day again. It started with talking to my stepmother. Oy! Now, don't get me wrong, she is very nice and sweet, and would do anything for you if she could. She just tends to put a negative twist on everything. We were first talking about my financial situation, and she had much to say about it. At one point I said to her, very nicely ‘Ok, if this is the way we are going to talk, then I am going to hang up and we can converse later.’ She was getting me frustrated, and I didn't want to say anything mean. Then we started discuss my applying for Section 8 Housing assistance. I told her that I would because the waiting list is long, but that if it ever came through and I didn't need it, I would give it back. She didn't like that idea. Why should I give it back? I told her because if I don’t need it, I am not keeping it from someone that does. Well, you’re the only one looking out for you. You have to do what you can. I told her that I am not the only one looking out for me, that God will take care of me. She wasn't buying that. ‘God takes care of those that help themselves’. DUH. I’m not going to sit in my house in a corner and wait for my life to be hand delivered to me. But I know God will show me what I have to do, and then it is up to me to do it. I told her that I really didn't think I would be in financial straits in a year or two. “Well, why not?” “Because I am writing a book.” She said, “Oh, please, now you really need a reality check.” I just said I can’t talk to you like this, and handed the phone to my dad. I was not happy, and so wanted to say a lot of things, loudly. But I held my tongue for the most part. Key words here, most part. Then my dad started working on me. He doesn't want to see my faith hurt if things don’t work out the way I want. I again told him, what I have been blessed with is not a hope, or a want it is plain and simple, knowledge. How difficult is that for people to understand? Very I guess, cuz I've been explaining it an awful lot. Now today I have also been acting vain I think. I am going out this evening with my friend to a Karaoke Bar. I don’t drink, so that’s not an issue, but because of the weight I have lost, and my new hairdo, I keep looking in the mirror, amazed that it really is me looking back! But then I think that is vanity, and try to stop. Dear Lord, please remove this from me. Please keep my heart and mind pure, and lead me in your light, Lord. Steven is coming over to get Jacob in an hour. He said he is going to drop him off in the morning at around 8 am. I know this is because he wants to go to Connecticut with Jen. It really is bugging me again that he is satisfied with this relationship with Jacob. Yes, hes been doing better taking him out, and calling him on the phone but doesn't he miss the cuddles on the sofa, reading, or watching TV? Doesn't he miss all of the little things going on day to day that he can’t see? I guess he has not gotten to that point yet in this. He will. God told me.
Saturday March 22, 2003 Dear Diary, Ok, I’m not sure if I tried to ‘help God’ yesterday or not. This is one of those situations that I mentioned earlier, where you have a choice to make, and then sit there after going “Did I make the right choice?” Here’s the story. I had made plans with my friend Brenda to go out last night, Friday night. There is a little pool hall down the road where her family likes to go to sing Karaoke. I felt like it would feel good to go out, and have fun. Again, I’m not a drinker, so getting drunk is not a part of my have fun plan. Anyway, I got all dressed up in one of my new outfits nothing terribly special black jeans, a black blazer type shirt and black boots. My hair looked nice, and my makeup came out good. Well, I had decided to get ready for the night early, so that Steven could see me when he came to get Jacob. It just so happened that Jacob and I were down in the basement when Steven arrived, and he was standing at the top of the stairs as we came up. I looked up and saw him looking at me. We went into the house, and he seemed distant again. There was a song on called Picture, and the lines playing right then was “I just want you to come home now.” Anyway, I helped Jacob collect the rest of his things, and Steven just looked at me and said, really nasty “I’m going outside.” And walked out. I followed him out into the hall and asked him what was the matter. He just walked away from me. So I went back in and finished getting Jacob ready, and then walked him out to Steven’s car. Steven was pacing out in the driveway. I again asked him what was the matter, and he turned from me again. Jacob even said to him “Please answer Muma, Daddy.” Didn't happen. I asked him again, and said I could tell there was something wrong. Steven got into his car, and said, in that, there-really-is-something-wrong-but-I’m-not-telling-you-attitude, “Nothing.” I asked again, and said, “Talk to me, babe.” He said “We don’t have time to discuss it right now.” He then looked at my top. (Ladies, you know what I mean when I say you can tell where a man is looking, right?) And then he drove away. Now I am confused. I think he was mad because of the way I was dressed. I’m not sure. If he were, I would take that as a good sign, because, well, I don’t see people out on the street, that I have no feelings for, and get mad at the way they are dressed. And there was nothing wrong with the way I was dressed, except that it wasn't seat pants and a tee shirt. But again, here is my dilemma did I Help God when I wasn't supposed to? I guess I'll find out once Steven talks to me about it, if he ever does. Let me explain my Help God theory, and why I think it is wrong, based on testimonies and scripture that I have read. Say you are at work, and you have many projects to deal with. Some of them really just too big for you. You take the very biggest, most difficult one, and go to your boss, and asked him/her to take this burden from your hands, as you have so many other things that need your attention as well. Your boss says, ‘Okay, not only will I remove this project from your plate, but also I will complete it for you. GREAT! It’s taken care of. Not finished yet, but you know it’s in good hands, and when it is done, it will be done right. Now for the helping part. How do you think your boss, whom you have trusted with this work, would feel, if every few minutes, you were looking over his/her shoulder, asking ‘Did you remember to do this did you do this THAT way?’ Or what if your boss had in their own mind how they were going to complete the project, and you take it upon yourself to tackle some areas for them, without their asking you too? What if what you do conflicts with what their plan was? What if you kept doing that? I could see my old boss, Bonnie, saying to me, ‘Look, Toi; I thought you said you couldn't handle this? You seem to want to have your hand in it, so why don’t you take the responsibility back? And there I have lost the help I had asked her for. Now, I’m not saying that God is going to just hand this back to me and say ‘You do it.’ God loves you and me so much more than our bosses do, and knows we are imperfect, and impatient. But I can imagine the frustration at the situation. So, if what I did was try to help God, I will make a very concerted effort to NOT do that again. I will ask God to guide me in every choice I make, so that I can know that it is the right one. Please, Lord God, guide my every word and action, so that I might work in accordance with your Heavenly Plan. Amen. Going out was fun for the most part. I sat with my friends; saw a few people that I went to high school with. It was nice. I also met this gentleman named Eddie. A very nice man. He noticed the wedding ring that I continue to, and will always wear, and screamed. LOL Then he came to sit next to me. He is good friends with Brenda’s family, so I was not concerned about him or his motives. And I knew where my head was. We started talking about my situation, and he revealed to me that he had been in a similar situation twice. I then told him of my choice to STAND for my marriage, and he was one of the many that, though trying to be respectful, also tried to tell me things might not be the way I hope. I said, It’s not a hope it is a knowledge.” We then discussed God, and scriptures! Here we are, in a karaoke bar, music blaring, talking about God is this kewl or what? He is a believer, and he reads the Bible, so it was a nice conversation. I also found out that he was in the Navy for seven years. I see that as a way of God letting me know that I was talking to the right person I guess. At one point, he just turned to me and said "You know what? I do believe that your husband will come home. You are a good person, and he will be home. Thank you Eddie. I hope you are reading this one-day, and can know that I truly appreciate it. I came home after that, and prayed, and talked to God some more. When I woke up this morning, I started praying again. I always seem to open my eyes in the morning with “Talk to me God.” (Oh, and for some unknown reason, I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS wake up at 3 in the morning. I don’t know why, but that never used to happen to me before.) Anyway, while God and I were talking this morning, I prayed that what I did yesterday was not wrong, and that if it was, please let me know, so that I could ask for forgiveness. I asked for it anyway, just in case. Then, as I came to sit at my computer here, to update this week’s journal, I saw that my computer desktop theme was pretty boring. (Desktop themes, for those that may not know, is the picture you see when you have your computer on, and the sounds that it makes when you do things) So I decided to use my Theme randomizer to change it. I didn't want to pick one, because I have a lot of fairy and dragon pictures, and I am not sure where they stand in God's eyes, but I have not removed them yet. So I did the randomizer, and asked God to pick one for me. Mind you, I have over 250 themes, there are many many to choose from. The theme that came up was butterflies or which I only have two. This is another sign, and would you expect anything less than for me to explain? LOL Butterflies seem to be my personal sign from God. I have always liked butterflies; I have them in my car, stickers on my window, and had even considered getting a tattoo of one (don’t worry, not doing it.) So, the first night that Steven was supposed to come over to do the bills, I sat in the living room, praying, and asking God to give me a sign. I had my eyes closed, and no idea what kind of sign I was looking for, or even when I would get one, if I would get one. While I sat there, with my eyes closed talking to Him, a huge beautiful butterfly filled my eyes. I could see it with my eyes shut. Not like seeing a dream, but like you see lights after you close your eyes. I saw it, and new that was my sign. Then, while out shopping, I decided to get some new earrings, but I was not going to buy anything that I really didn't like, because I do that a lot. I went over to the earring counter, and there, right next to each other, was pair of crosses, and a pair of butterflies. I have 3 holes in each ear, so I bought them, and knew that every time I saw them in the mirror, I would be reminded of God’s saying to me that everything will be okay. And now today, with butterflies on my desktop. God is Good and Praise The Lord! Well, that’s it for now, until after Steven comes over I guess. Have a Blessed Day! Toi
Dear Dairy, Hey, I have a question for you, the reader. Actually, several. You can answer them in your head. 1. What is your first name? 2. If you own a car, what color is it? 3. How many fingers and toes do you have? 4. What color are the walls in your bathroom? 5. What is your screen name? 6. What is the day of your birth? 7. If you have a child, or friend, anyone special to you, what’s their name? Okay, now here is the reason I asked those questions. The answers should be pretty simple to you, right? There should be no contemplating, or guessing, or hoping that you are correct about the answers, right? Well, that means you have absolute knowledge regarding those answers. Weather you have seven finger, two toes, and a lime green car; you KNOW what you know about them. THAT is how I KNOW that not only my marriage and family will be restored, but that I am following in God’s will for me, and the direction my life is taking now. Just look, he blesses me every day with the words to speak to people, to help them understand! Praise Jesus! Okay, so Steven was here. He actually acted very good pretty normal. You could have thought he was just running out to go to the store or something. It was nice. I asked him what was the matter yesterday, and he sheepishly said, ‘It was nothing, don’t worry about it.” I said, “Are you sure?” “Yes, it was really nothing, Toi.” So I left it alone. Thank you God for taking something that I interrupted, and fixing it, as only You can do! Steven and I talked a bit. I told him about how yesterday Jacob got mad at me when I made him clean his room. Jacob, who, remember, is nine years old, turned to me and said, “I’m sick of being dictated to all of my life.” LOL I really didn’t even have a response for him, I was so shocked. But he has been known to come out with some dooseys, but that a different story! Speaking of stories, I have decided that I am now working on two books, count ‘em, two. The first is still Broken Hearted, Soul Restored, about my life, and God’s hand in it. The second is this, what you are reading right now. I will put all of this together, either once Steven returns to his family, or when there are enough pages to fill a book. The title will be “And Who Gave You That Crazy Idea?” What do you think? I like it. Out of the mouths of babes, right? Today, after Jacob came home, I asked him how he liked his day with his daddy. He It said it was okay, but it was kind of boring because all they did was watch television. Then he asked me “How can you be so sure Daddy is going to come home?” Now, I have prayed about this for a few days. I asked God to give me the words to express my knowledge to Jacob, without making him expect daddy to return home within the next week. I don’t want to hurt the faith he is building in God, and if he thinks daddy will be home soon, and it does not happen well, you get the point. So, after he asked me that, I looked up, said a quick prayer, and said to Jacob, ‘because the Bible tells me that if we have faith in God, and trust him, He will always help us. It also says that whatever you ask for, if you have faith that God will give it to you, he will. It might not be right when you ask for it, but it WILL happen. What we need to do now, while Daddy is not home is to work on the people that we are, and become better people, with God, and with everyone in our life, so that when Daddy does come home, we can help him too.” Jacob said, in his typical Jacob-ism style “Oh, I see, so we need to reflect on ourselves.” HE’S NINE! That’s it for now going to go work on the book. Have a great day! Very Much Later Dear Diary, Well, I guess I should expect days like this to happen. Today was very melancholy. I wanted to cry at every turn, but held myself back. Again, I’m not feeling sad because I think Steven will never come home, I just miss him terribly right now. And thought keep running through my head like “What is he doing with her right now.” “Is he thinking of us?” And many more. Its feels like my heart may have started to scar over, but it’s staring to break again. Gonna go cry into my pillow and have a chat with God. Goodnight all.
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